Remembering me

Sometimes when you become a parent - and indeed when general adult life gets busy overall - you can lose track of what it is that makes you you. 

What have you been up to lately? So, what are your hobbies? Often when I get asked these questions nowadays I get a bit stuck - erm...not much, I can’t remember, I don’t really have time to have any...

But that’s sort of wrong. I know deep down I need to make time and not give in so easily to Mum guilt or give excuses not to do things for me.

This month I knew was going to involve a few well overdue days/evenings having fun. Fun for me that is - not laughing at my kids being crazy, smiling at something cute they’ve done, or enjoying watching them making me proud. 

The month’s not over yet and I have to admit so far it’s been great. My bank balance and figure won’t thank me, but it’s been so nice to indulge in a few things I enjoy. 

Eating out

Theatre

Film

Music 

Friends 

Dating

Reading 

I had a girl’s night out at the start of the month, it’s been a very long time since I’ve got together for a girly one and it was great. A perfect combination of drinks, chatting, nice food and a good dance/sing to some ‘classics’. I can’t sing or dance great let’s be honest, but nothing does me the world of good more than a drink or two and dancing like a loon and ‘singing’ along to some old garage songs I used to love when I went clubbing when younger! 

I’ve eaten a gorgeous afternoon tea in London at a swish hotel, gastropub family birthday lunch, tasty bistro birthday meal, a late night ‘fancy’ burger and a steak dinner. All bar one were child free too which make the world of difference as for a change I could take my time, enjoy the flavours and savour my food! 

I watched the Tina Turner musical in the West End which I’ve wanted to see for a while - again I really like a good musical or simply a play at the theatre. This tends to be an annual visit nowadays so I think I appreciate and enjoy it even moreso. The musical was amazing - so much energy and emotion in the performance, it certainly didn’t disappoint. 

My fiancé and I couldn’t properly remember the last film we saw at the cinema and thanks to my in-laws we ended up seeing two films when we went out. Again - as with good music, good books (I’ve been getting into my reading again finally of a night before going to sleep) and a good play/show - I find films great escapism, a fun way to switch off and forget real life for a bit. We had a good mix of a lighthearted kids story and then a more adult Tarantino film. 

And speaking of my fiancé, we’ve had some time just us for a change, which is very rare and makes the world of difference. It’s so hard to even get in a brief conversation most the time - hence why our to do lists and social planing are always so behind! 

Oh and a bit of a lay in and breakfast in bed weren’t all that bad either! Sleep is extremely underrated pre-parenthood! 

I’ve still got a couple more things ahead too - a night out with friends and my fiancé at a ‘silent disco’ and a girly night out with a difference with my Mum, and mother and sister-in-law! I can’t wait!

Before kids we used to go out lots more and my fiancé would find new places to visit (immersive Alice in Wonderland was one, themed afternoon teas, music gigs, stand up shows). I love music gigs, live comedy and things that are a bit different and so I’m going to see if we can both really try to make more of an effort to invest in planning more regular time for us to enjoy these things again. 

Even if it’s a once every few months event, and we have to wait until our budget allows, we need to make sure we’re not missing out. 

Just a few moments rediscovering things I enjoy has made me feel so much like me again and reminded me who I am. And let’s not forget I’ve got to get back on that spinning bike as it’s been a while again now - if only to work off the after effects of all this ‘rediscovery’! 

Jumping back on the saddle

It became apparent to me recently that I had maybe lost my way a bit over the last couple of years. Without wanting to sound too cliche, I felt like I'd lost the real me and become one of those women who are simply someone's Mum.

Now don't get me wrong, I appreciate what a complete privilege it is to be somebody's Mum and I adore my children and being a Mum. However, since having my first born in 2016 I have forgotten to think about me and been focused on bringing up our children - particularly since we went from a family of 3 to a family of 5 last year!

After a few rather self pitying moments and honest messages and chats with close friends I came to realise I had to start doing something for me again. In particular, making the effort to actually stick to looking after me and not making excuses to avoid it!

Those of you who have followed my blog for a long time will know I used to enjoy a few things before becoming a Mum - never anything too exciting hobby wise admittedly, but I had a few interests and one of those was spinning.

There has been a gym local to our house for quite a while now and I've never really properly looked into it, but after my recent realisation I decided to bite the bullet and make some enquiries.

Fast forward to this week and I found myself signing up to a spinning class.

It's so funny how times change, as I was getting my gym gear on - my old, trusty padded-bum cycling trousers included - I felt a little buzz of excitment. After helping bath the twins and put them to bed I left my fiance to sort our eldest and impatiently waited to make a move round to the local gym.

I was part nervous as to whether I'd be able to keep up and if I'd enjoy the class and then pretty excited I have to admit. How sad - the excitement at leaving the house without kids and being such a little rebel doing something for me!!

As I got in the gym and walked up to the small studio (the fact the gym is ladies only, local, teeny tiny and the spin class works like a silent disco setup all helped no end) I found my confidence return and I started chatting away to the friendly instructor and some other ladies there to take part.

The music began and that was it, I went straight back to my previous spinning classes and felt a huge surge of adrenaline and sensed a great big smile spread across my face - I bet the others thought I was crazy and in need to get out more, hmmm...

These classes are just 30 minutes so it was a great way to get me back into it, I tried to push myself as hard I felt able and not too much that I'd collapse - put it this way I felt sick a few times during the session!

My poor fiance when I got back, I was definitely on some sort of post workout high and I didn't stop talking when I got in. And then it hit - my body went into a bit of a shock I think from the exercise - I felt all wobbly legged and a bit light headed. Lots of water and some dinner and I was fine though and so pleased I'd taken the first step to get back into something I enjoy and try make time for me.

Needless to say I've put my name down for another class and can't wait (bar the achey bum the next day!)

It's lucky I need to find someone to watch the kids in order to go, as I fear my little obsession (three classes a week and having a 'favourite' bike and so on) would soon become the norm again!

Before

 After...

Re-grouping

Anyone who knows me knows I was a baby social butterfly when my first was born. 

If there was a local group to go to I was finding it out and trying it!

I don’t drive so I’d walk everywhere and go to music groups, playgroups and more branded things like sensory or baby ballet.  Sometimes with other Mum friends or sometimes on my own and I meet other Mums. 

I was non stop and it was full on but I really enjoyed it and thrived on being out and busy. 

In fact I hated it if I had to stay in and would get fed up staying indoors. 

People told me when I had the twins to realise I wouldn’t be able to go out as much. Something I was not looking forward to.

I’ve had to stay in more and I’ve had to get used to it to be honest. 

However, I truly believe in the power of leaving the house and getting some fresh air - particularly as a stay at home Mum or new Mum. You can truly go a little crazy being indoors all the time just you and a baby/babies. 

Of late I started to feel that a bit more again. Whether it’s where the children are getting a bit bigger now (i.e. out the newborn phase) or because it’s Winter (I’m a Summer and sun girl and hate the cold and dark days), I’m unsure.

So I’m slowly but surely trying to get back to it. It’s tiring and hard to get all 3 up, out and ready in time (and I do need help from  others to do it which shock horror I feel

guilty for!)

This week though has been more action packed and has been much more out the house.

Monday - preschool for Olivia in the morning and a play date with couple of friends and the kids in afternoon at ours

Tuesday - tried a gymnastics themed group in the morning, took twins Baby Sensory in the afternoon

Wednesday - preschool for Olivia in the morning and a bit of relax in the afternoon as the twins are teething and Olivia is going through a very odd clingy phase at the moment

Thursday - tried a playgroup run by ladies who did a former playgroup we used to go to regularly 

Friday/today - went for the 2nd time to a local church playgroup my Aunt volunteers at and out for lunch after 

I’m super tired this week, but my partner has been doing some night shifts, the twins are teething and as mentioned Olivia’s having yet another odd ‘phase’. I’ve also been trying to start to do a combined bath/bed time which has been a huge success so far! (Yes you are right in picking up sarcastic vibes there!) Who knows the tiredness might be more from going out more too.

But you know what? I feel so much better mentally for getting out more.

I feel it’s better for the kids as they’re socialising more with others and getting out and discovering more. In addition, for me, I’m getting some conversation with other people and I’m away from the same toys/crafts cluttering my lounge and the same rhymes/kids programs on my phone/TV! 

So as long as my energy levels let me - and my little ‘helpers’ (thank you my family and Trev’s) are about - I’m going to try get back to a more regular group life. 

Wish me luck!

Making time for Mum

Ha even the title of this post is proving the point of how things change when you have children.

Not making time for me/for Mel but for ‘Mum’. I’m sure I’m not the only one who wonders where they’ve gone since having kids - what happened to the person you were pre-children?

The gap since my last post should give some sort of indication of how time for myself is pretty much forgotten most the time these days - definitely bottom of the pile in life as I know it now, with it’s never ending and constantly growing to do list.

I dread to even think how this will even read - can I even write well anymore? Or has my Mum mode/baby brain/rhyme singing mind taken over?

Don’t get me wrong I adore my children and truly know how blessed I am to even have them. (There you go obligatory Mum guilt statement number 1!)

However, one of the key things that shocked me when having children is the discovery of how different it is to how I ever imagined and the sense of loss in your self that can be experienced at times.

I don’t really like to make new year resolutions, let’s face it most of them aren’t kept to and aren’t that sincere. Or we just ride along with the generic cliched standard list that get rolled out most years - be healthier, lose weight, be better with money, be more organised, blah blah blah.

I’m really hoping this year to try and make more time for me. I see it myself, after a little time on my own or getting to be ‘the old me’ as I often view it, it’s like hitting the reset button. I’m more chilled and I miss and value those little munchkins of mine even more. I appreciate my life a whole lot more and the resentment, anxiety, tiredness, impatience, short temper and stress is chipped away and seems not all that bad.

Yes it’s tough being a Mum and a stay at home Mum at that - pre child me is sitting there now rolling her eyes at that one (you ‘don’t work’, you’re at home, what’s so hard about that, how can you be stressed?) But if you can find some balance and have a few bits of ‘time off’ now and again it’s such a fulfilling and worthwhile life and a privilege to be able to experience.

So why is it every time I even start to consider looking into booking some time for me - shopping, a film, a spa day, just an hour or two to read a book, have a bath, listen to music, see friends - the guilt kicks in?

Why do we feel so bad at needing a break? Why do we feel it’s so wrong to want to be someone over than Mum?

Tell me, how do you balance it? What do you do? And what is this guilt? I’m sure I’m not the only one who gets it, right?

So yeah, 2019, I’d like a bit more time for me please and to also be a fiancée again and enjoy some time as a couple - the pair we used to be, not Mummy and Daddy for all the time.

Now if I can just get over this guilt first...and the care of 11month old twins and a 2 and a half year old...the washing...the nappies...the shopping...the cleaning...the diary planning..the budgeting...the cooking...

Oh, you know what, maybe tomorrow...

'Just' a Mum?

So I had a couple of conversations yesterday where my blog came up and it reminded me that actually I haven't really written on here in a while. Clicking on the link now I've seen just how long it's been. Wow.

It feels time to change that. How regularly I'll post, realistically, and what about, who knows. For now, this is a start!

Times have changed for me a lot since my last posts - the biggest change (as my hypnobirthing and breastfeeding posts show) is I'm now a Mummy.

And after today I'm officially a full time Mummy.

Yesterday I travelled into London and said goodbye to the digital corporate communications agency I've been employed by for the last nearly 6 years.

Typically, our daughter being looked after by grandparents and my other half already in work on an early shift (so bed and house to myself) I'm wide awake and have been since 6am! Of course I'm sure the alcohol in my bloodstream has nothing to do with this either...

At times when work is stressful and you imagine being a 'lady of leisure' (ha who am I kidding, Mum life is far from easy!) you can only picture smiles and feelings of happiness.

I genuinely feel so mixed and I felt it made sense to write about it.

It's quite common now for Mum's to return to work either because they genuinely have to for financial reasons or because they still want to 'be themselves' and have a career or another element to them and not 'just be mummy'. There are plenty of things shared how they feel so upset about leaving their child, yet also relieved to have 'me time'.

I realised I don't recall seeing or hearing from those who decide to stop working. It's just assumed of course it's easy - not having to work, getting all the quality time to see your child grow up.

However, I've realised you actually still are emotionally all over the place.

Thoughts I've experienced for instance:

Am I doing the right thing?
Am I losing part of myself?
Will I numb my mind or social skills by not being in a traditional career?
I miss my work friends
Will I still have an adult social life?
Will my partner still respect me/find me attractive if I'm 'just mum'
Will lifelong friends see or treat me differently now I've decided to 'just be a Mum'
Will my Mum friends see or treat me differently because I'm that 'lucky cow' who didn't have to go back to work, or that 'weird stay at home mum' who enjoys the baby classes, park trips etc?
Will friends see or treat me differently and that I'm taking an 'easy option' or 'lazy' or 'not as good a mum' because I can only manage being a Mum and not juggle career and motherhood?
Am I being lazy?
Am I depriving my child of things in life as we won't be so financially well off?
Am I being selfish expecting my fiancé to support us now?
Will former colleagues and friends lose respect for me taking this step?
Am I setting a bad example to my daughter to 'give up work'?
Am I holding my child back by being with her all the time? Should I have her in nursery or similar for her development/confidence?

When I list it all down it's shocking how much I could actually beat myself up about it.

Whether I've made the right choice only time will tell. Right now I'm extremely fortunate we'll be able to at least get by on one salary and I can't even contemplate leaving our child so it feels right in that sense. She is my life and that feels right.

It goes to show - whether you're a career Mum, a part time working Mum or your job is being a Mum - we're all still facing struggles and continue to guilt trip ourselves day in and day out!

In need of a gardening guru

For the first time ever I am blogging from my garden!

Granted, I've likely blogged from outside before as I do mostly tend to write posts on my phone whilst out and about or sitting in a packed train carriage or public area. I've yet to have my own area though that belongs to me.

For 3 years whilst I was at Uni and for 7 years whilst owning my first home - a flat - I didn't have a garden. Well technically in my flat I had a small 'communal garden' and for 2 of the 3 years we had a garden whilst at Uni. None of these were 'proper' gardens.

We moved into our house end of September last year. It was the first property myself and my fiance were going to own together and so far so good - well we've survived being in the house without killing eachother for now!This is the first house I've owned and the first property full stop my partner has owned.

One of the big things I always missed when living in a flat was the chance to go outside. I love my sun and you can normally find I'm in a better mood when the sun is shining and I'm feeling healthier with a glowing tan.

Now the rain has stopped today (well it was really hot yesterday and this is the UK!) it feel so nice to be able to come out into our own little private area and enjoy some fresh air. Where our patio area is - and where I'm sitting at our recently bought garden table and chairs set - feels really private and secluded as I'm almost hidden in a corner, behind a small extension area and next to a high fence. Just me and my thoughts.

In addition, we live in a small little crescent and there is hardly any noise when you sit out here, apart from birds tweeting and other people who live nearby.

Our garden is pretty small in all fairness, but to us it's a start and it's our garden, and realistically due to our different working hours and not having much time together as it is, how big a garden do we really need in all honesty?

This garden is small and compact, but most of it gets the sun and it suits us just fine.

But, I have a question for you - how do you decide what to do with your garden?

When we bought our house we soon realised - on viewings and once we'd moved in - that the former owners were very keen gardeners. Our garden was in immaculate condition when we moved in - shaped lawn, lots of bushes and plants, a cute little hanging bird table, a little shed, they left us their lawnmower and washing line. We were set up. Or so we thought.

The key word in the paragraph above is bushes! Yes there may have been lots of perfectly pruned and healthy bushes when we moved in, but fast forward to springtime and everything was kind of a bit overgrown. More of a problem than that, our garden is small and taking up two big chunky sides of it with bushes does not help that situation.

So recently we've decided to cut almost everything away and start again. Yes right now the garden looks bare and a bit of a mess, and it did take a lot of hard work (and many scratches, cuts, bruises and garden tools), but there is so much space to play with.

The problem now?

Well, we're stuck.

We need to decide what we really want it to look like and how it will work for us and we either don't agree with each other, or - in my case - can't even decide a consistent theme with ourselves.

For example, I love the idea of painting the fences a colour rather than creosote and painting the shed another colour - more pastel - to match the new colour fencing. I also like the idea of a small water feature (very small), but I don't want a load of hassle of water pumps, electricity etc so want to see if we could find a basic one. I one minute want thin flowerbeds to replace the wide ones we have now and put lots of colourful flowers in, but then I'd really love the sides paved - still thinner than they are now - and big pots on them instead. Already I've bought a small Buddha head statue for the garden as I've always wanted one.

See? A bit of a mixed bag of ideas here? You want to check out my Pinterest Garden folder to see just how bad!

My other half seems on board with most of my opinions, but his concern with paving and pots is we won't have much colour in the garden. And where I think we could pave one edge, but the other have turf right to the fence, he thinks it all has to match.

How can it be so complicated for such a small space of land?

When you add in we don't have tons of money to spend, we've not got lots of time to spend gardening (to do it up and in future to keep things alive!) and we're already into July next week, it's leaving me a bit doubtful we'll ever get it right this year before rain, storms and snow set back in!

We've also come to realise what a sign of ageing it also is to be so interested in our garden! To top it off, in order to get all tooled up with garden equipment, we used the Tesco Clubcard Double Up campaign and exchanged all our vouchers for items such as - gardening gloves, secateurs, rake, spade, fork, shears, loppers and more. We did also buy a small basic barbecue and some utensils for that, but we've not had a chance to actually have a BBQ yet!

I'd love to hear what other people out there have done with their gardens. Right now any help we can get we could do with.

I'll try to keep you posted on progress - if there is any! - and just keep my fingers crossed the previous owners never see this and hate us for ruining their beautiful blooming garden!

Every little counts

At the risk of jumping on a cheesy Tesco tagline, I'm really mindful at times of approaching life one little step at a time.

Today I weighed myself and finally I've lost two pounds!

No, not a huge weight loss or anything monumental, but it's progress and wow was I craving that.

The odd thing is - as I've likely said before, I never learn! - I'd started to get a bit more relaxed and had been eating 'badly'. Then miraculously the weight starts to move.

I read an interesting article this week about why your weightloss might be slow, it suggested that in fact you can end up eating more by obsessing over eating less.

And a recent TV documentary suggested exercising can indeed also lead to eating more than you need as you gear yourself up to needing the extra calories or indeed being deserving of eating more/consuming more calories as a reward.

Guilty as charged!

Being strict with my diet and exercising most days was tiring and I wasn't sleeping too well. When I jumped on the scales and saw no movement - well no positive movement - I was really starting to feel disheartened.

On Sunday we had our parents over for a meal. We had tea and biscuits and alcohol and nuts before the meal. Then we sat down to wine with dinner and three courses:

Mozarella, prosciutto Parmesan, oil and vinegar and bread to start.   

Duck breast with a plum sauce, mash, sugarsnap peas, baby corn and asparagus for main.

Ending with either apple crumble or chocolate brownie cake with cream.

I thoroughly enjoyed it all. I'd been to an rpm class in the morning but I didn't calorie count and I had a good chat and catch up with family. 

Surely I should put on? I'd been for lunch out Friday and cocktails on Friday night too. 

But no today I lost weight. 

I have no idea why but I am thankful. And I'm remembering every little counts.

It was the little boost I needed to stick at it, but also enjoy socialising and eating and drinking too. And not agonising if I don't exercise constantly.

Tomorrow I'm going to a talk by Jillian Michaels (my 30 Day Shred hero) and I hope she'll be more than a boost to my current mindset and diet and exercise  approach.

For now I'm making the most of the little steps in the right direction and I'll let you know how the talk goes.

It's her Maximise Your Life tour. Here's to minimising my body fat and maximising my progress! 

Beating the blues

I've decided I've found the way to beat January blues.

We all know what it’s like you have a big build up to Christmas, time off, presents, food and drink. Within 5 minutes it’s over and then bam you’re into a new year. It’s cold, it’s dark, you’re back to work and you’re skint. Happy days.

A few years back I decided to try Dry January and in turn ‘become more cultured’. The no drinking was tough and I found I just became a bit of a hermit and didn’t socialise for most of the month. I did however discover I liked ballet, am not a fan of the opera and like exhibitions/galleries depending on what they are.

Like everyone else I was feeling a bit down about the winter and having to go back to work – especially after having simply been eating, drinking and watching films over the Christmas break and totally messing up my sleeping patterns!

I’m finding it hard to get up in the mornings whilst it’s so dark and I am constantly sleepy by about 3 or 4 in the afternoon. However, I am finding a way to deal with it.

Plans. Lots of plans – I’ve been on a booking whirlwind – booking in friends to come visit our house who haven’t seen it yet, making social arrangements after work and booking shows I quite fancy the look of.

So far we’ve been to see Swan Lake at the London Coliseum, The Likes Of Us by a local group at our local theatre, a wedding exhibition at the V&A, been on a work team meal out and eaten Mexican street food.

This week I’m catching up with an old friend over a meal and drinks and am going out for cocktails on Friday night.

I’ve already got booked up next week a diet/coaching talk show, a spa day and a wedding show.

That’s not counting having family over at the weekend, booking up another ballet and already having tickets to the Ideal Home Show (thanks to my lovely friend, one of my Christmas presents).

It feels good to see my diary getting full and it doesn’t make January and winter seem so glum that’s for sure.

The other thing I’m of course doing is trying to get back in shape. I put on quite a fair bit of weight over Christmas and in fact since moving into our house together. So I’ve also been trying to be strict since New Years Day and am exercising and eating a healthy diet/watching my calories.

Last week when I weighed myself I was a tad disappointed with progress however and tomorrow I plan to weigh myself again – another week in. So let’s just see how successful this blues beating approach is then…

Tired of my weight

10 days into January and 10 days into my diet and exercise. Well, sort of.

I've been strict for 8 of the 10 days. To be fair the two days I didn't exercise and ate badly were days planned by others so I had no choice (well that's my excuse anyway!) 

In 10 days I've been to two spinning classes and done my workout DVD three times. 

Rushing to get ready for the gym this morning I completely forgot to weigh myself to judge progress.

I definitely feel less bloated, but sadly still feel quite big and my clothes are tight. I'm hoping being strict for the next 10 days in a row will help. 

Let's be honest two evenings of alcohol and Mexican food isn't exactly going to help my waistline!

One thing I am pleased about is my love for spinning definitely seems to have come back. I'm loving the new dedicated spin studio in our gym.

Although I've missed the usual Saturday instructor, both classes have had cover teachers so I've really enjoyed trying something fresh and new. 

I'm exhausted though, combining the first week back at work with exercise and consuming less calories hasn't been ideal.

Most days I'm struggling to keep my eyes open! 

I won't lie the two days break eating Mexican style tapas food and alcohol was very welcomed and I enjoyed it at the time. 

However, it's funny how you start to adapt to health again. After two days I was longing to eat more healthily and on buying cupcakes for my team at work yesterday I even stayed away. Whilst they tucked into the sweet delights, I snacked on my grapes! And I wasn't envious. 

Even today making a reduced fat cheese omelette for lunch when I got in from the gym, I really enjoyed it! 

We plan to go see a scary film this evening too, so maybe that might even help burn a few calories (I'm a complete wuss and jump at everything!) 

In the meantime I'm relaxing on my sofa and as sad as it is I'm seriously considering an afternoon nap to give me a boost. After my initial exercise high earlier I definitely need some form of boost before tonight.

Admittedly I've not done any of the chores I planned today, but if I'm honest I'm not getting too worked up, after doing my 60 minutes' worth of spinning earlier I would even maybe say I've earnt it! 

Time to get back on the fitness wagon

A new year and I thought it was about time I get back on this blog. I know I know, I always say that and don’t worry I’m not going to start claiming my new year resolution is to blog more.

I am, however, going to be extremely stereotypical and announce how the Christmas break is over (well it is for me as I was back at work today) and that I am now aiming to get in shape. Bore. Yawn. I know I know could I be more cliché ‘new year, new me’ and all that…

However, after the vast amounts of food and drink consumed this past fortnight, something needed to be done. Well, I say past 2 weeks, what I really mean is since we moved into our house – takeaways galore and very little exercise for 3 months…

I reached that well known point we all get to after the festive indulgence, I was actually craving healthy food.

As a brand new year started yesterday I jumped on the scales when I eventually got up (after a rather late and drunken New Year’s Eve party) to survey the damage. I have to admit it wasn’t good, but it was definitely a lot better than anticipated.

Just over 7lbs put on in 3 months, bearing in mind I’ve eaten healthily for a few days out of that and only went to the gym once I’m relieved it wasn’t a lot more. I certainly feel like I’ve gained about 2 stone!!

I’m bridesmaid to one of my oldest and best friends this year too and we’re going to a wedding show at the end of the month so I really need to try and shift some of this excess fat before then – right now I don’t think any form of dress would suit me!

I have to admit (it is in all likelihood simply post-Christmas effect only and will be short-lived) I felt great yesterday. Although I was a tad hungover (mostly tired), I had healthy food and was only just over my suggested calorie allowance.

Fish, vegetables and sweet potato for dinner with a glass of water really did feel great! No fat, no booze, no junk. Lovely!

I’ve also stocked up on some more fruit and veg and low fat goodies so I plan to try and stick to this for as long as I can now.

I’d suggested a Dry January again like I did previously, however the social calendar is already against me – a team drinks thing next Wednesday and ballet (and no doubt a meal and drinks) on the Thursday! Therefore, my plan is instead to not drink alcohol unless it’s for a social occasion, I think that’s fair enough and a tad more realistic.

I’m also hoping to go to my first spinning class of 2015 tomorrow morning too to get myself back into it. I’ve already looked up the studio timetable for my gym so I can start planning visits too. I will shed this weight and more if it kills me.

A friend of mine has been dieting and exercising for a good few months now and she’s done so well she’s really inspired me. I can’t wait to be rid of this tired and bloated feeling – and also start enjoying looking good in clothes again and not wearing what’s comfortable or what I don’t look too fat in!

One, nearly two days down, and many more to go…

Busy doing nothing

I’m writing this blog as I want to know if I’m the only one who faces diary dilemmas.

Lately I’ve been tied up sorting our house out and if I’m not at work I’m doing something or planning something for our home.

This then led me to get quite grumpy this week and feel a tad like I’m in the middle of Groundhog Day syndrome and doing the same thing over and over, whilst not enjoying life itself and socialising.

Cue me then desperately reaching out to people to make some plans.

Of course the time I leave it to arrange things now most people are busy and tied up already. This then leaves me to get a bit mopey and complain I have no social life and am getting boring.

I’ve now made a couple of plans so hopefully I won’t feel like I’m ‘wasting’ the weekend, and in all honesty after all we’re spending on homeware my purse could probably do with a break from socialising.

However, as the festive season approaches I’m pretty sure we’ll start to get booked up as we always do. I’m already stressing over the fact we’ve had one set of friends over to the new house socially and have loads more to see and invite round. Our poor family have only come for very brief visits too – or to help us set things up!

I’ve just chased our furniture company in fact to see if there is any update, I just want our big corner sofa and dining set in so I can buy new crockery/placemats etc and have people round! I am getting very impatient now.

The one problem with all this?

Picture this – a diary full of plans most days of the weekend and in the weeks ahead. How will I react to this scenario?
Do you know what, I’ll have the hump I’ve got too much on and just long for a quiet night in!

Never happy!

So, do other people get like this? When you’re busy and going out do you want to stay in and relax? Then when you’ve got quiet nights in do you wish to go out and party?

Or am I the only one and just never happy?

Let me know and if you’ve got any tips to get the perfect balance even better!

Living together lessons

I’ve been with my partner for over 9 years.
We’ve been engaged nearly 1 year.
We’ve been living together in a house, our first home together, for 1 month.

Help!

Previously I was living in a one bedroom flat which I bought around a year and a half/two years into our relationship. My fiancé used to stay over quite a lot but we didn’t actually live together.

We’ve been wanting to live together properly for years, but various reasons have meant financially that wasn’t an option.

Our search began in February this year and rather naively it didn’t hit me until literally the week before we moved in that this was it, we were actually going to be living as a proper couple. Still, I didn’t expect much to be different, after all we’ve been together years.

Wow, was I wrong.

It feels so so different. Where my fiancé does shifts we don’t see each other as much as other couples do anyway, but most mornings he gets up and says goodbye to me at the door which is such a lovely feeling. On those days he’s not working it’s lovely to have him here, particularly to come home to after work.

One slight issue, we are so different in character. Clearly this is something we’ve discovered way before now, but certain elements haven’t mattered as the flat before was my home and my property, now we’re in it together.

If I have things to do I like to crack on and just get them done. My fiancé likes to do things within his timeframe.
I like to keep things quite tidy and my fiancé often teases me I am ‘Monica’ from Friends. My fiancé isn’t messy as such, but is much more relaxed about tidying everything up.
I like to get help and guidance from our parents who have more life experience on things than us. My fiancé is keen we do things ourselves and stop involving others.

I could go on. Nothing here is horrendous, but as you can imagine we have bickered quite a bit in the last month.

I’ve also been learning a lot about myself (perhaps it’s being an only child), but I am quite selfish at times. I didn’t realise until we started looking at items for our home.

My fiancé describes my taste as ‘Essex’ and some pieces I’ve seen he feels are ‘chavvy’. I on the other hand think what I like is modern and looks good of course!

When we walk round I will see something I like and he’ll tend to not like it but look to compromise and see the good and bad in the item. He suggests something? My response mostly is ‘No’ and walking on. Awful, I know.

Until our wardrobes are fitted and complete my partner still has near enough all his items (clothes etc) at his parent’s house. His parents live really close to his base at work too so he’s still getting food for work from his Mum and picking up his clothes from home (as well as his washing). This also means we’re still not quite experiencing living together properly and it’s making things awkward around meal times and the like.

I really didn’t realise how even after so many years together we’d need to learn each other’s ways like this and need to adapt again and learn to compromise and take on each other’s ways.

Most people I know live with their partners already and have done for years, so I guess they’ve been through the same. I’ve had people at work giving me tips on how to ‘get things done’ by your other half and similar! But how about you guys? How have you found it when moving in with your other half? How long did it take you to get used to each other and settle?

Overall, I’m so pleased to be living together finally and be able to move forward in our relationship after so many years. I must admit though it’s not easy learning things about yourself (and your partner), particularly for someone who’s stubborn and of course ‘always right’ like me!

Weight loss worries

This morning I've woken up and I'm feeling a little disheartened if I'm honest. This is a theme that's been present most of this week so I've been trying to tell myself to 'stop moping and just get on with it'.

As I do each week I woke up this morning to weigh myself for my weekly weigh in. Most Saturdays, plans permitting, I also get ready to go to a spin class at my local gym.

Today I've woken up super achey from last nights cardio workout. Great, I thought, I must've worked hard if I'm feeling like this. Admittedly that also made me hopeful for something positive on the scales.

I already was a bit disappointed as I really am too achey to go spinning and I've been reminded by people before to let my body rest and recovery is important too.

Anyway off I hop onto the scales. What do I see? I've put on. Yes super minimal 0.4 of a pound, but as I typically round my weight up when logging on the likes of MyFitnessPal it effectively says I've put on 1lb. 

There are two schools of thought here, some people say 1lb is nothing and not to worry if you put it on. Others show images of just how much a pound of fat is to illustrate just how much fat you've lost when you lose 1lb. So who is right?

If I don't weigh myself weekly, something others have suggested, I lose the feeling of accountability and tend to find I get lax and don't feel a sense of achievement or progress.

I've felt the last few weeks my body feels heavy and bloated and normally when I've exercised I do feel lighter. I'm not feeling that lately (and in fact have been worrying now I'm in my 30s that maybe I'm experiencing that as-you-grow-older problem people talk about where your body just clings to fat). Who knows.

So I'd purposely started to mix it up this week. In fact, including last Thursday I've made seven gym visits. That's seven times over ten days. That to me is pretty good. 

Of those seven, three have been spinning, 45/50 minute classes. The other four have been cardio. 

Each of those cardio I've tried to mix up, different machines, sometimes using weights, trying different modules on machines, different orders of using machines and times/levels. I've been feeling it each time and aching the next day most times and sweating non stop during the sessions.

Typically my fitness 'week' starts on a Saturday so if you look at it that way I've exercised five days out of seven. Two rest days. 

The only 'cheat' day I've had was on Wednesday for my Mum's birthday when we ate and drank out. 

And so after actively watching what I eat (bar one day) and made a conscious effort to push myself in exercise, I just don't understand why my weight loss is not showing an impact. 

My fiancé feels I'm stressed out and worked up about certain things (primarily our house buying/flat selling fiasco that feels like it's pretty much taken up our year and has been ongoing since March). He thinks maybe our bodies are just exhausted from it all and not working as optimally as they would typically. 

When I went through a really stressful time last year - and didn't resort to my typical comfort eating approach - I really dropped in weight (and in turn reached my lowest). I therefore don't understand why this tricky time my body is reacting differently? 

I thought why not post on social media and blog about it, in a bid to see if anyone out there has tips and can advise. 

I'm not at my ideal weight or at my lowest, I'm currently 10lbs heavier than the lowest I've preciously managed to achieve. 

As you can probably tell I truly am baffled and a tad fed up. So it's over to you. 

Please comment away and tell me what you think or what you've found works for you. I'm at a total loss and unfortunately it's not weight loss! 

My 'progress' over the last 6 months (the yellow line is the 'trend line', the average/underlying weight taking out fluctuations). 

Our love of technology – terrific or terrible?

Thanks to my own stupidity I am completely without my mobile phone today (read: I had too much alcohol this weekend, dropped my iPhone 5 on the floor outside the pub and smashed the entire screen).

My lovely fiancé is trying to take it to a shop and get it repaired for me before he starts his shift so I left my phone in his hands and will hopefully be reunited with it (and it having been fixed) this evening.

I am lost.

I’m not exaggerating, I am actually having withdrawal symptoms at not having it in my handbag, on my desk at work, by my side as normal. I do feel a little on edge.

This, I totally appreciate, is ridiculous.

I can remember years back going on holiday and not taking my mobile phone, I’ve had mixed experiences. When I was younger I missed my phone being there and actually at times reached into my beach bag on hearing a phone, totally forgetting I didn’t even have mine with me! At other times I’ve loved being totally away from it all and nobody contacting me or obsessing over social media updates.

Yet, having to come to work and in the middle of sorting out all sorts in my work and personal life I feel like something huge is missing. I am extremely conscious my phone is not sitting even on my desk for example.

I’m already realising I won’t be able to input my food/drink on my fitness app I use, I won’t be able to check when the bus is due on my journey home, I won’t be able to text my fiancé or friends and family during the day or call them on my break. And as for social media updates, don’t even get me started!

On reflection, I feel this is a sad state of affairs and really worrying that I am so dependent on a small piece of technology.

I’m already well aware how we all live our lives too absorbed in our Facebook accounts for example and was a big fan of the Look Up From Your Phone video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7dLU6fk9QY&feature=kp – even if ironically we all watched it and shared it on our phones!

We’ve all seen whether it’s with our own children or young relatives how familiar the younger generation are with technology nowadays and so early on and it leaves me constantly torn between whether our love of technology and frankly our obsession with it is a good or bad thing.

Working for a digital company of course I should be interested in and embrace all things digital. And to an extent I do and find it amazing how digital constantly evolves and we’ve got all these cool gadgets and ways to help us in our lives. The fact children are so clued up on this stuff is great and just leads to a future of ever increasing options and digital evolution.

However, another part of me feels so saddened by it all.

I can’t help but feel we’re becoming a society of robots. Our social skills are lacking based more on our virtual friendships on social media platforms and letting everyone know what we’re doing all the time. I myself am completely guilty of regular ‘check ins’ on Facebook, Tweeting when I’ve had a great class at the gym, taking photos on my phone and uploading them religiously and filling in App information as if it’s a regular job (GoodReads book progress, MyFitnessPal dietary and exercise behaviour, tracking my weight).

We see constantly how stats are coming back showing how many people are viewing online content via their phone now, users are constantly digesting data on the go. Websites now need to be responsive and even the type of content shown on a dedicated mobile site needs to be considered differently to previous ideas.

Think about at home when you sit down to watch the TV or read a book, how soon is it before your browsing on your phone and distracted?

I cannot remember the last time I sat down indoors and just sat and relaxed and focussed completely on one thing, without distraction.

So, is this a good thing? Is it great our kids are so technology minded and the area is no longer seen as just ‘for geeks’. Have all these apps meant we’re more in control of our lives and we’re super capable of doing so many things simultaneously? Are we expanding our brain’s capacity? Or in turn are we actually stunting our social skills and development? Are we only able to live through our social media persona now and unable to switch off?

Films used to show the future as a world of robots, super intelligent metal objects which people found far-fetched and rather uncomfortable. In fact are we instead simply creating a world of human ‘robots’ who have no off button and living life in a virtual world?

As you can tell, I really can’t decide which side of the debate I fall on. Does there even need to be sides? I’d be really interested what you think? Particularly those of you who don’t have a job within technology.

Fitness fakers

When you think about going to the gym and the essentials needed what do you think of?

Your gym kit, bag, water and a towel?

Or rather is your fake tan topped up, your makeup thickly applied, your best gym gear and revealing outfit packed, along with your designer sunglasses?

I often on a Saturday morning roll out of bed, put my gym kit on and head straight to the spin class, so you can tell which camp I’m from…

Yes, I will have makeup on if I’ve gone for a workout straight from work, but that is the only reason why.

Yet attending my local gym recently I felt like I’ve been surrounded by bronzed-up gym bunnies and arrogant muscle meatheads.

Don’t get me wrong if I had a hot body I too would want to flaunt it and show off how the hard work had paid off.

However, often these people are rude, bowling through the building and barely break a sweat as they wander round the machines not really doing much at all.

Take my spin class, some females have been known to whoop throughout as if they are out clubbing. Now I’m not a complete bore here, when you really get into it sometimes the instructor makes noises and gets everyone going, but an individual doing it on their own when nobody else in the class is of that nature is just cringey.

One lady recently rudely shouted out to the instructor “Oi turn the music up, I can’t ‘ear it!” Charming.

As for the men. What exactly is the point of going to the gym to hog a weights machine and sit on it in your jeans with your woolly beanie on chatting to your mates about your next night out? Or lifting weights that are clearly far too heavy for you and then simply letting them drop with an almighty clang on the floor? Don’t even get me started on the grunts and groans!

And if you dare to walk in their pathway don’t expect them to move. Oh no, they own the gym didn’t you know? They are the kings and queens of the faux fitness world so you better all move around them.

My fiancé has ended up in a coughing fit on the treadmills after a girl jumped on a treadmill directly next to him (there were loads spare, another pet hate!) and had so much perfume on she affected all the surrounding air.

Also I’m sure you’ve experienced the people on their phones (despite numerous signs saying you shouldn’t use them) on the treadmill and bikes? Or the friends in matching Juicy-esque tracksuits side by side on the treadmills having a conversation the entire time.

Now correct me if I’m wrong, but is a gym not a place to get fit, lose weight and work out?

Apparently, it’s actually the place to go to ‘check in’ on Facebook and let people know you’re at the gym yet again, but in fact you are there to pose. I’m all for fitness having a social element and people having workout buddies and really embracing the healthy lifestyle. An hour plus of wandering around chatting and eyeing up the similar ‘talent’ is a whole other world.

In another spin class, I was in the middle of stretching at the end when I had to let 2 or more people past (of course they’re ‘too cool’ to stretch!). The best was my return to the ladies changing room to find one female standing in front of the mirror preening. She was literally standing admiring herself – checking out her bum, her tummy and pouting!

She then proceeded to leave the gym in her leopard print hat, skin tight outfit, fake tanned skin and huge sunglasses (worn inside of course!).

Since when did gyms become more about showing off than shedding fat? Flaunting the fact you are ‘fit’ in the attractive sense, not health-wise?

Do you experience this at your gym? Or is it just an Essex thing?...

Comfort food

This post may surprise you. 

No I'm not writing about chocolate, crisps, pizza, pasta and ice cream or drinking wine. 

I'm taking comfort from food and exercise. 

Things are going a bit off track with the house purchase (don't ask!) and I've realised I can't control any of it.

So what have I done? Returned to my trusty old friend food and exercise.

I can control what I eat and how often I try and work out.

And as I said I'd blog my progress with the 30 Day Shred here I am writing about it.

I've been completely stressed out all week, tired out and had a banging headache.

As is always the case when you get yourself into exercise you always feel better for it. 

Exercising this week has helped me de-stress and switch off temporarily. 

Tomorrow I am weighing myself to see what progress I've made this week.

I'm really hoping to see something positive.

This week I've stuck to eating healthily, within my recommended calorie allowance to lose weight, for all seven days of the week.

In terms of exercise I've done my workout DVD (30 Day Shred) for five of the seven days. 

Fingers crossed as well as benefiting me to help relax, this week's food and exercise efforts have helped me lose weight and get fitter too. 

Until tomorrow's weigh-in...

Two weeks on: bringing back the balance

I met up with a close friend a few days back and she reminded me of my plans to blog about my diet and exercise.

Of course those of you who read my posts regularly will know that I haven't actually done this.

The reason being? I didn't get off to a great start if I'm honest.

On Sunday 11th May I started off my 30 Day Shred workout DVD and in the main stuck to my calorie limit.

And then? I ate healthily but I didn't do any exercise again during the week.

I'm pleased to say that things are now looking up again (of course they are that's why I'm blogging!) 

I've now completed 9 days of level one of the 30 Day Shred and I've eaten healthily.

The balance is still there as I pigged out last Sunday at a family BBQ and I've been out for meals. When I'm eating out at restaurants I'm staying within my recommended calorie intake this time and logging my diet and exercise on MyFitnessPal.

I finally seem to be getting back on the fitness 'wavelength' again. 

It's paying off.

Since starting 'The Shred' I've lost 5lbs in weight and lowered my body fat and BMI as a result. 

I've still made plans and kept a social life.

Yesterday I went on a bit of a shopping spree and was pleased to see I'm still fitting in size 12 clothes in the main too. 

Let's hope I manage to keep it up and keep blogging about it! 

Day 2 of bringing back the balance

In order to attempt to restore balance in more ways than one (or perhaps to get the excuses in early!) I'm thinking I may not be doing my workout DVD when I get home this evening.

Yesterday, as you'll know from my blog, I did my workout DVD (30 Day Shred, my trusty favourite) for the first time in a long time - in fact the first exercise I've done in about 3 weeks!

Today I had a course on Investor Relations and Financial Markets at work (contrary to what you'd think it was actually rather interesting). As a result I'd be on the course and unavailable 9-430, therefore I did some work on the train in and got into the office half hour early. 

As is typical with most of us these days in the working world any lunch or tea 'breaks' were spent back at my desk doing work. 

Knowing I had to be in early must have been playing on my mind as I just could not sleep last night. You know those situations where you wake up every half hour and on the hour? So much fun!

This morning as a result I awoke shattered and in turn super achey from my exercise attempt on Sunday.

Throughout the day my muscles, in particular my quads (thighs) have got tighter and more sore, to the extent as I walk it feels like my legs might burst!

I'm cranky, tired, have had no fresh air all day and am super sore. 

Add to that brain melt from all-day training and I'm not in the best of places for this evening.

Nope I'm not already talking about doing my workout.

Oh no I'm talking about the long phonecall I have this evening with my fiancé and our mortgage broker. We're going to be talking losing your job, getting injured and dying. Well, moreso critical illness cover, lifetime protection and the like.

I did thankfully leave work 15-20 mins 'early' today so am now on the commute home.

Right now I'm really not keen on doing any form of exercise when I arrive home.

Of course, as a result, I am now starting to feel guilty and to be honest a bit of a failure, for on the second day only thinking of not doing the workout.

Am I being lazy and a failure? Or am I being sensible letting my muscle repair and recognising I am exhausted?

Help! Please answer!

I either need reassurance I'm okay and doing what's best, or if not a virtual kick up the a*se to get myself in gear.

Please do tell me what one... You've got about 30 minutes before I crash on the sofa and eat my dinner (healthy of course !)

Oh and not wanting to sway your judgement or anything but I thought you should know:

At breakfast at the course there were freshly baked croissants and biscuits.

I had my light yoghurt and a low fat cereal bar

I drank over 1.5 litres of water.

Not tons of the coffee and tea in the training.

At lunch they'd ordered in Pret sandwiches, crisps, juice and biscuits/cakes/sweet treats. 

I went to my desk to check work emails and ate my homemade salad.

In the afternoon the temptations remained.

I snacked on my mango chunks and then some low fat crisps when downstairs.

So? What should I do? 

Bringing back the balance

It has been a long long time since I've blogged. I feel I spend more time writing posts apologising for not having written anything than any other subject! 

I have had good reason. Promise! 

Myself and my fiancé have literally been living and breathing property. We've been focussed on me trying to sell my flat and buying our first home together a house (more on that another time). 

However, things seem - touch wood - to be a bit more on track and I've been trying to focus on having fun and doing things rather than just making the selling and buying my whole life! 

I seem to be managing to get on a more even keel finally between that area of my life and my social life again now.

One area where I've really been suffering is diet and exercise. It's been over three weeks since I've done any exercise and food and drink seems to have become a huge focus of late.

I'm not one of these people who gets stressed and stops eating. If only! No, I'm a comfort eater, meaning the last few weeks as well as no exercise, most days I've been eating non stop junk and drinking alcohol. 

My fiancé is the same. We've been getting takeaways, eating meals out and generally consuming far more volumes of food and drink than is needed. 

I've always said when I see programs or articles on obese people who have numerous health problems caused by their weight that surely they must reach a point and realise they're going too far? 

Myself I felt I reached that a few years back where I suddenly identified I'd got pretty big in size and was pretty unfit. 

Now I've never let myself get to that point again, but over the last few days on talking to my fiancé and others it's clear I've got a bit off track.

Ironically it's whilst eating out the last two nights saying to friends how I always find it hard to be healthy and still sociable, that something has clicked. 

So enough is enough.

It's time to bring back the balance.

I've done a little plan as you can see and decided to give good old Jillian a go again.

So today I've tried to eat healthily so far, drank loads of water and have done my workout DVD.

Day one, level one of Thirty Day Shred done.

I'm going to the cinema tonight and we're going for a carvery first but I'm going to stick to my calorie limit. 

Hopefully by focusing on my weight and fitness again (which is horrendous judging by how hard I found the DVD!) I will also keep a bit calmer on the house buying and flat selling process. 

I also plan to keep blogging about it so I hold myself accountable.

Measurements have been taken and the first step is starting it so here's to getting shredded! 

Horny and hammered holidaymakers: the new reality?

There is no end of programs on TV now showing young Brits on holiday abroad and drinking themselves silly. 

Tonight BBC Three has Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents. 

There really is no end to the junk I'll watch on TV I know!

However, every time I see these shows showing young people on holiday I think back to the times I went away when young.

I'll probably sound a prude and you may not believe me, but I find these programs pretty shocking.

Whether it's Spain, Greece or Croatia, they all seem to be the same. Male or female they all just get drunk to the point of passing out and seem to have no thought whatsoever of any sense of morals or dignity.

Watching this latest series, the focus is on Thailand. That makes me even sadder. Obviously people know all about the Full Moon parties out there, but to me my memories of Thailand are of my 30th and the beauty and amazing people we encountered. 

Seeing people having sex all over the place and throw rubbish on the beautiful beaches makes me so sad.

I did the whole teenage holiday experience when young - Kavos, Magaluf, Zante and more. Admittedly I was always in a relationship but I still wanted to drink and have fun.

But when did first holidays or your first trip with friends be about giving someone oral sex on board a party boat or having full blown sex in a bar?

Obviously times change, but it makes me feel ill just how different times are. 

People used to sleep around on these types of holidays and we're well aware of the games on 18-30s where you had to act out sex positions.

Yet those people didn't go out and have full blown sex as part of it. 

My fiancé says these programs are just showing kids playing up to the cameras and it's not that bad. Can you imagine seeing your child on one of these shows? How proud you must be! 

Although I have no sympathy for those who spy on their loved ones on their first holiday away from home. Especially those naive sets who still seem to think their child is a baby or are living in the 1900s!

Nowadays holidays away from home seem to be all about how much sex you can have in front of other people and getting so drunk you get seriously injured.

Where's the fun in that?