Hairy horrors

Having a baby - going through pregnancy, childbirth and the actual caring for the baby and sleepless nights and putting yourself last - all have a huge impact on your health and well-being. Admittedly way more than I’d ever realised or imagined. 

I could go into all the usuals - your weight, tiredness, your boobs, stretch marks, your ‘mummy tummy’ - perhaps in another blog. For now, though, one I never realised, your hair.

Yes, often if people over style their hair - constant dying, straightening, curling and the like - they can damage their hair. But having a baby? Surely the damage is all downstairs? 

Those who’ve been through the whole motherhood thing will likely have been told about your hair often getting thick, glossy and full when pregnant and you may find after birth you start to lose hair a bit as it resets itself back again. 

But what about breakage and thinning? I’ve always had very thick and fast growing hair. It got even thicker and shiny when I was pregnant with my eldest daughter. I took my pregnancy vitamins religiously and ate very healthy most of the time. 

I breastfed my daughter, still taking some vitamins as advised and then suddenly I started to notice these annoying wispy bits of hair at the front of my hairline. 

And then they kept coming. It was a nightmare trying to do my hair. I have a side parting when my hair is down, it’d take so long to find somewhere to part it where the wisps didn’t show. Then if I wanted a ponytail or any style where my hair was brushed back off my face - ha, well needless to say it looked awful!

I’ve seen some people refer to it as a ‘baby fringe’ and some articles suggest on average it takes 15 months to return to normal! 

My hair otherwise was in good condition and although it fell out when drying it was thick and healthy overall. You know when those annoying wispy bits disappeared? Ooh not long after Olivia turned 1 I’d say. And then what?

I got pregnant again didn’t I? With twins! And so it began again!

This time double the hormones and a longer period of breastfeeding. I still took vitamins before and after, but my twin pregnancy diet was nowhere near as healthy admittedly (I blame the boy for that!) 

This time round I noticed the wispy bits pretty early on and there seem more of them. As the twins are around 13.5 months now I was hoping fairly soon my hair would return to normal (it’s certainly not falling out). 

According to gethegloss.com and Anabel Kingsley, “During pregnancy, raised oestrogen levels keep hairs in their anagen (growth) phase for longer than usual...after delivery, levels return rather speedily back to normal, causing hairs to switch from their growth to shedding phase (called telogen).”

“Breastfeeding can also contribute to this due to increases in levels of the hormone, prolactin, which is connected with hair loss too,” Kingsley explains. 

My hair is still pretty bad and I recently had my hair done and my hairdresser noticed on the left side my hair is actually getting quite thin near the edge. 

Anyone else had this, what did you do? Through pregnancy or otherwise I’m sure it makes no difference. I’d love some tips!

For now, I’ve bought some skin, hair and nail vitamins to try. I’m definitely lacking something as I notice my skin is very dry on my hands and feet - something I’ve had since I first had my daughter and she turns 3 in May! 

I already know the benefits of drinking water and most the time I stay on top of this (again something I’m trying to work on at the moment in between handling three under 3!) 

So today was the first day I’ve taken the vitamin and I’ve bought a tub of 30 so let’s see what happens...I’m hoping by the time I go on holiday in a few months it’ll be back to its old self and I can feel confident with my hair once again. It’s been a long time... 

I know from reading the little tufts are simply new hair trying to grow after the loss post pregnancy and birth, and some people feel they look like a troll after, so I’m not alone. At least it’s not breaking as such!

Hey, even popular Mum and author Giovanna Fletcher posted about it.

Hair transplant surgeon Ken L. Williams Jr., a fellow of the International Society of Hair Restoration Surgery, speaking to SELF, explained that hair grows at an average of half an inch a month, so this kind of thing will typically resolve itself once those hairs get long enough to blend in with the rest of your mane.

So basically I’ve got to be patient...let’s just hope it’s solved itself in a few months time so I can soak up the sun so I only need to show off my Mum tum and not my troll head too! Wish me luck! 

Mum friends

When I slump down on the sofa exhausted from the day 

As I hold my head in my hands, wiping tears away 

There you are to reach out to, in your calm and caring way 

When I’m feeling shame at how my child acts

And questioning myself at my approach to their answering back

There you are with your advice and thoughts, all handled with such tact 

When I feel so cruel for how much I now feel I shout 

As I stand in situations at times feeling the odd one out 

There you are with your comments, helping to reduce my doubts 

When I’m at my wits end, just tired of it all

As I don’t know where to turn and my world now feels so small 

There you are to build me up again, making me proud and tall

When I need to share some things that I worry may be judged by some

As I check my lists and fret over all I haven’t done 

There you are to tell me stories and remind me of things that are fun 

When my child does something of which I am so proud 

As I watch in delight at kind behaviour, lovely words said aloud

There you are to share it with and give praise too so loud 

When something gross happens that would make others feel sick

As I finish some soggy leftovers or help save those melting treats with a lick

There you are with your own tales and funny grotty tricks

When I feel bad at how I now feel and look 

As I note my new shape and the old me that motherhood took

There you are to compliment, remind me to relax, enjoy a treat or book 

When after bedtime I fancy a tasty glass of wine 

As I tuck into some fattening treat so divine 

There you are to support me and share too your naughty but nice lifeline

When I over analyse and question it all 

As I feel over that edge I’m about to fall

There you are at the end of a message, text or call 

Never judging a snack choice, outfit or parenting hack

Always there to support and have my back

Suggesting playdates to help suit me and my brood

Having a good laugh together, helping to brighten my mood

Never a competition about who’s done best 

Always making me feel with you there’s no chance you’ll ever judge, not like the rest 

You are the mum friend I trust 

I rely on and I need

When days are bad or I feel doubt

My worries and sad thoughts are soon freed

It just takes that one mum friend who truly gets you and how things are

Someone who’ll turn up at your door or offer support from afar 

In the form of playdates, lunches, sweets, messaging or wine 

We all need at least that one mum friend and I truly treasure mine 

Re-grouping

Anyone who knows me knows I was a baby social butterfly when my first was born. 

If there was a local group to go to I was finding it out and trying it!

I don’t drive so I’d walk everywhere and go to music groups, playgroups and more branded things like sensory or baby ballet.  Sometimes with other Mum friends or sometimes on my own and I meet other Mums. 

I was non stop and it was full on but I really enjoyed it and thrived on being out and busy. 

In fact I hated it if I had to stay in and would get fed up staying indoors. 

People told me when I had the twins to realise I wouldn’t be able to go out as much. Something I was not looking forward to.

I’ve had to stay in more and I’ve had to get used to it to be honest. 

However, I truly believe in the power of leaving the house and getting some fresh air - particularly as a stay at home Mum or new Mum. You can truly go a little crazy being indoors all the time just you and a baby/babies. 

Of late I started to feel that a bit more again. Whether it’s where the children are getting a bit bigger now (i.e. out the newborn phase) or because it’s Winter (I’m a Summer and sun girl and hate the cold and dark days), I’m unsure.

So I’m slowly but surely trying to get back to it. It’s tiring and hard to get all 3 up, out and ready in time (and I do need help from  others to do it which shock horror I feel

guilty for!)

This week though has been more action packed and has been much more out the house.

Monday - preschool for Olivia in the morning and a play date with couple of friends and the kids in afternoon at ours

Tuesday - tried a gymnastics themed group in the morning, took twins Baby Sensory in the afternoon

Wednesday - preschool for Olivia in the morning and a bit of relax in the afternoon as the twins are teething and Olivia is going through a very odd clingy phase at the moment

Thursday - tried a playgroup run by ladies who did a former playgroup we used to go to regularly 

Friday/today - went for the 2nd time to a local church playgroup my Aunt volunteers at and out for lunch after 

I’m super tired this week, but my partner has been doing some night shifts, the twins are teething and as mentioned Olivia’s having yet another odd ‘phase’. I’ve also been trying to start to do a combined bath/bed time which has been a huge success so far! (Yes you are right in picking up sarcastic vibes there!) Who knows the tiredness might be more from going out more too.

But you know what? I feel so much better mentally for getting out more.

I feel it’s better for the kids as they’re socialising more with others and getting out and discovering more. In addition, for me, I’m getting some conversation with other people and I’m away from the same toys/crafts cluttering my lounge and the same rhymes/kids programs on my phone/TV! 

So as long as my energy levels let me - and my little ‘helpers’ (thank you my family and Trev’s) are about - I’m going to try get back to a more regular group life. 

Wish me luck!

Please slow down my baby

Seeing those words, that line, announcing you are there
Feeling those flutters within, making me aware

Watching as my bump grows and grows
An overpowering love, nothing else like it does anyone know

Then the day you officially appear on this earth
As they hand you to me, nothing else will ever match up to what you’re worth

Then just like that, it’s like someone takes over the clock
Time’s forever flying by, it just doesn’t stop - ticktock ticktock

Non stop firsts - smile, laugh, wave, tooth, crawl
Trying to record them, amazed and so proud of them all

Those adorable newborn features, a blink and you’re an infant now
Then turn around and a little toddler wow

Your skin still so soft, like the most expensive velvet or silk
Eating more and more, turning away more and more from just milk

Your huge pussycat eyes stare up into mine as you drink your bottle or nurse on my chest
Stroking, holding hands, cuddling, kissing, whatever you do, your little touch always feels the best

You once liked nothing more than to breastfeed from me
Then suddenly you stop, it’s like you no longer need Mummy

Starting to do more and more for yourself
Having to try teach you to listen to no, what’s right/wrong/good for your health

Becoming a Mum has been the most amazing thing to happen to me
But it’s also the toughest, it’s racing by way too quickly

When I picture you I will have the biggest smile even if before there was a frown
Life is zooming by, how fast you change, I wish I could slow it down

Nobody ever tells you how fast it goes
Nor how to stop it, how to slow down these precious moments nobody knows

You try to treasure it all despite the fast pace of life, always non stop
But sometimes it’s not possible, it feels like there’s so many balls to juggle, ready to drop

You’ll always be my baby to me, no matter how big you grow
But please slow down my baby, I love you more than you’ll ever know

Why it was always going to end too soon

New Year’s Eve.

The end of a year, the start of new things to come.

For me it signified another end. Breastfeeding.

My twins decided they didn’t want to breastfeed anymore.

The signs were there, I’d moved to feeding them on me morning and night only for a while now.

And then, I assume due to teething, my youngest twin, Sophia, started to bite me. I won’t go into details but it hurt and one time she drew a teeny amount of blood!

I didn’t want to stop too soon or risk stopping when actually it was a temporary glitch, I tried a few times and different ways to see if I could convince them to carry on. Even if just one of them, but no new years eve they both pretty much rejected feeding on me.

My first born stopped breastfeeding between 5 and 6 months, so managing nearly 11 months with twins is pretty good going I appreciate.

When my daughter stopped it broke my heart how sudden it seemed and again with the twins I felt cheated. Why was it stopping before I was ready? Again.

I can imagine it’s tough when you want to stop feeding your child/children and they want to carry on too. I guess it’s best they make the decision for you even.

Regardless it’s still not easy to take.

I don’t exaggerate when I say it made me feel heartbroken when they didn’t want to feed off me.

Unless you’ve done it I don’t think you can get it even. My fiancé was super supportive when I was balling my eyes out over it, but I tried to explain to him why I was so sad.

Things I felt:
I will never ever breastfeed again
The bond I felt I got with my children from doing this has now ended
My babies are growing up too fast
My babies don’t need me anymore (anyone can clothe, dress, feed them formula or regular food)
They don’t want me anymore
More silly points too like I’m going to gain lots of weight now, couldn’t they have waited a bit so I could’ve been proud to breastfeed for a whole year, am I going to get health complications by just stopping feeding (mastitis etc)

I could go on.

As the days have gone on, as I expected, I’m starting to accept it a bit more.

I just feel like bedtime isn’t the same with them now too as we don’t have that closeness.

Each to their own, but I’m not one of these people who would choose to feed a child until they’re particularly older/bigger, but it still feels at 10/11 months they could’ve fed a bit longer.

I always remember before having children and when I was younger the thought of breastfeeding actually freaked me out a bit and I can remember thinking ‘ew I wouldn’t want a baby doing that on my boobs!’ (Similar to my idea that if I had a baby I wanted it cleaned up before they handed it to me after birth hahaha).

Once pregnant with my first born I started to feel I’d like to try it. I was lucky in that I never pressured myself and thankfully I never experienced the pressure from any healthcare professionals that some people complain about to breastfeed. My view was always I’ll give it a go and see what happens, if it works great it not I’ll bottle feed.

I’m a firm believer that a baby should be fed in the best way for them/their Mum - whether that’s formula, breastfeed, expressed milk in a bottle whatever. Same with parenting - you do what’s right for your individual child and circumstances.

I don’t know if I’ve been lucky or it was my relatively laid back attitude to breastfeeding, but I’ve been fortunate my children took to it pretty well and I’ve never had too many of the not so pleasant physical experiences breastfeeding can bring (well bar my poor chest shrivelling up to nothing, ha sorry TMI!)

When I was pregnant with the twins one of the - many - worries I had was whether breastfeeding would be possible. I joined some groups online, tried to research and see if I could do it. I went in again with my same attitude of let’s give it a go and see. And I saw about a twin feeding pillow.

Thank heavens for that pillow - seeing it and my NCT friends for clubbing together and getting me one for my baby shower.

It’s been amazing since the twins were born. I seriously couldn’t have done it without it. It’s even been great as a seat of sorts for the twins to lay on as newborns, they loved it!

I’ve still got it in my bedroom resting by my dressing table, like it had been when I used to feed the twins on my bed when they woke/before they went to sleep at night. Pointless now, but I just can’t quite pack it away just yet.

I’m sure I’ll find a way of making bedtimes cuddly and magical again with the twins and I’ve got some photos to remind me of my experience too.

But for this lady, that’s it now, my breastfeeding journey is over, despite the heartache at the end it’s all been worth it and I’m truly so pleased I gave it a go and so grateful all 3 let me do it.

No time

No time

No time to keep the house clean and get done all the chores
But always time to make sure that I’m here and I’m always yours

No time to eat a meal slowly and in peace, without little hands wanting some or little mouths crying out
But always time to ensure you don’t go without

No time to keep on top of meeting up with friends
But always time to be careful you have someone on you can depend

No time to remember important to dos to keep adult life running fine
But always time to know all those characters, stories and rhymes line by line

No time to get back to all the messages needing replying to and dates to find seem to never end
But always time to have a caring shoulder, arms or ear to lend

No time to buy nice new clothes for me, sit and do hair, makeup, nails and other beauty
But always time to play, sing, read, draw and get messy

No time to read a really good book, watch a film or listen to music properly
But always time to hold you in my arms or sit with you on my knee

No time for me and daddy to just cuddle and talk for hours like we used to do
But always time to get bags, food and clothes ready for you

No time to plan holidays, dates and nights out
But always time to make sure you get out and about

No time to notice all the mess on my clothes and in my hair
But always time to smile and gaze into your adoring loving stare

No time to be referred to as or make quality time for ‘the old me’
But always time to make note you’re developing as you should be

No time to remember all I always need to do
But always time to show my never ending love for you

Constant concerns

Think of not having to work and life seems like it'd be so stress free and easy right? Well I've not been working quite a while now since having our baby girl (not so much a baby now - she's 14 months old). Don't get me wrong it's lots of fun and without a doubt my stress levels must be so much lower without the whole office politics and struggling to keep clients happy and manage a team. Only thing is though you swap one set of worries for a whole lot more...

Those who know me will laugh and say I will always worry as I am a worrier - something I used to tease my Mum for - I'm now a pro at myself!

However, am I just worrying more because I've got more free time? Or is it now I'm a Mum? Or is there really much more to worry about nowadays?

What's really got me on edge of late in particular is the threat to our safety. With all the terrorist attacks I started to get on edge about going into London, going abroad and those I know and love being under threat when they travel to and from work.

I feel I was just starting to get things into perspective about it all and then now the idea of danger came closer...we've got a huge issue around our area right now - moped crime. And I for one am getting a tad obsessed with it I'll admit. Most days it leaves me feeling sick and anxious.

I worry about walking out and about with my daughter and someone trying to attack us, even more so if they came near my daughter. I don't drive so I'm probably not their ideal target (they try and steal people's bikes and attack bike riders primarily) but then they moved on to other innocent people - those in cars. Whether that's trying to drive in to them, surround them, attack their cars with hammers or throw liquids (it's been suggested on occasion it's been acid). Each time I try to see how relevant this is to us - it's been single drivers etc, then it changes again and I hear stories of people with kids in the car being threatened!

However then we hear of tales of bikes coming up onto the pavement at people, across parks, or starting to try and break into people's homes.

So when I need to walk out with my toddler I panic we'll be under threat on foot, when my partner works nights I worry about potential burglary and when we're all in the car together I worry around the hotspots that we're going to be victims.

Worse still it seems the situation is getting worse and the police can only do so much.

I'm not asking for a miracle solution by posting this, just thought I'd share just how much damage these thugs do even to those they've not directly terrorised. And also put it out there to those fellow worriers - why is it some of us worry worry worry whilst others go with the flow and don't get so wrapped up?

Am I just over thinking things as I've got more time on my hands and different priorities and commitments? Or am I right to be worried and so aware?

Let's hope something is done soon about our local issue. Although we're going to look to book our first holiday with our daughter soon so don't worry I'll soon have something new to worry about!

'Just' a Mum?

So I had a couple of conversations yesterday where my blog came up and it reminded me that actually I haven't really written on here in a while. Clicking on the link now I've seen just how long it's been. Wow.

It feels time to change that. How regularly I'll post, realistically, and what about, who knows. For now, this is a start!

Times have changed for me a lot since my last posts - the biggest change (as my hypnobirthing and breastfeeding posts show) is I'm now a Mummy.

And after today I'm officially a full time Mummy.

Yesterday I travelled into London and said goodbye to the digital corporate communications agency I've been employed by for the last nearly 6 years.

Typically, our daughter being looked after by grandparents and my other half already in work on an early shift (so bed and house to myself) I'm wide awake and have been since 6am! Of course I'm sure the alcohol in my bloodstream has nothing to do with this either...

At times when work is stressful and you imagine being a 'lady of leisure' (ha who am I kidding, Mum life is far from easy!) you can only picture smiles and feelings of happiness.

I genuinely feel so mixed and I felt it made sense to write about it.

It's quite common now for Mum's to return to work either because they genuinely have to for financial reasons or because they still want to 'be themselves' and have a career or another element to them and not 'just be mummy'. There are plenty of things shared how they feel so upset about leaving their child, yet also relieved to have 'me time'.

I realised I don't recall seeing or hearing from those who decide to stop working. It's just assumed of course it's easy - not having to work, getting all the quality time to see your child grow up.

However, I've realised you actually still are emotionally all over the place.

Thoughts I've experienced for instance:

Am I doing the right thing?
Am I losing part of myself?
Will I numb my mind or social skills by not being in a traditional career?
I miss my work friends
Will I still have an adult social life?
Will my partner still respect me/find me attractive if I'm 'just mum'
Will lifelong friends see or treat me differently now I've decided to 'just be a Mum'
Will my Mum friends see or treat me differently because I'm that 'lucky cow' who didn't have to go back to work, or that 'weird stay at home mum' who enjoys the baby classes, park trips etc?
Will friends see or treat me differently and that I'm taking an 'easy option' or 'lazy' or 'not as good a mum' because I can only manage being a Mum and not juggle career and motherhood?
Am I being lazy?
Am I depriving my child of things in life as we won't be so financially well off?
Am I being selfish expecting my fiancé to support us now?
Will former colleagues and friends lose respect for me taking this step?
Am I setting a bad example to my daughter to 'give up work'?
Am I holding my child back by being with her all the time? Should I have her in nursery or similar for her development/confidence?

When I list it all down it's shocking how much I could actually beat myself up about it.

Whether I've made the right choice only time will tell. Right now I'm extremely fortunate we'll be able to at least get by on one salary and I can't even contemplate leaving our child so it feels right in that sense. She is my life and that feels right.

It goes to show - whether you're a career Mum, a part time working Mum or your job is being a Mum - we're all still facing struggles and continue to guilt trip ourselves day in and day out!