Thursday, 15 October 2015

In remembrance of our Little Seed

A super secret we'd been keeping, so excited about you
Weirdly I kept constantly worrying, was this all too good to be true

Things started to change and you felt more real
Your body changes quickly, but your heart takes so much longer to heal

We'll never forgot that moment, what should have been so great
Finding out instead it was all bad, so wrong, your sad fate

It feels such a long journey we've been on
Still each day feels so sad that you are gone

People start forgetting, moving on, seems so long ago
Not to us, neverending love and loss, remembering you, we'll always know

Right now I would have been on maternity leave
We would've been counting down to meeting you, not having to grieve 

In less than a month you'd be here
Making our life complete, our first baby, so dear 

Tonight we light a candle at 7 just for you
We will always love you, remember and miss you too

All those people out there who too have loved, lost and grieve
It's so sad how many have been through it, so hard to believe 

I salute you all who've made it through 
More than once, at later stages and more, something nobody should ever have to do 

Thanks go to our friends and family who've been so strong for us
Always there and ready to listen, not thinking we're just making a fuss

All the flowers, cards and thoughts we got back in May
Proved to me just how much our Little Seed would've been loved each and every day 

So on this day of remembrance we light this candle for you 
For our eternally loved first child who never made it through 
For all those others like us who know how it truly feels 
Maybe never born but still oh so very real 

Little Seed we love you and always forever will 
One day I hope your brother/sister will come, you'll always be there and remembered of course still 

Rest in peace and watch over us our angel baby
We loved you and always will, love your Mummy & Daddy xxx

Thursday, 13 August 2015

Nobody knows

Nobody knows

A birthday thought

Nobody knows how much I miss you
How empty I still feel
Nobody knows the daily struggle and heartache
The fact I was ever pregnant no longer seems real

Nobody knows I'm changed forever
You're imprinted on my soul and heart
Nobody knows the overwhelming feelings
How much I loved you already right from the start

Nobody knows the envy 
The hurt and anger that hits me everyday 
Everybody else has got their wish
How comes it was only us that had to experience that godawful day

Nobody knows how hard each event now is 
Yet another painful blow 
Nobody knows each occasion a reminder of loss
What we had, how we miss you so

Nobody knows how short it seems since we lost you
Yet how long it feels to wait 
Nobody knows I'll never be 'over it'
So much emotion, anger, jealousy, hurt and hate

Nobody knows what I think of every minute of every day
What should and could have been
Taken away from us the memorable experiences and happy times, precious moments we should have seen

Nobody knows the struggle is endless
It can't be brushed aside 
You can't put a label on it, from these constant reminders you cannot hide 

Nobody knows I'm exhausted and empty, 
The brave face and positivity such a tiring strain
Reliving those moments and realising the reality again and again 

Nobody knows today on my birthday, what should be a happy time
Celebratory messages and wishes galore
The rain mimics my tears over what was mine
I will always love you, miss you and want a new you for forever more 

Rest in peace my darling Little Seed
Please one day soon come back to me
We love each other so much as a two but we're so ready to be a three

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

New Forest Fun

As you’ve likely read if you’re a regular follower of this blog, me and my other half have recently been in a need of a little break away.

 We were due to be seeing one of our favourite bands, the Foo Fighters, at Wembley and had both got the day booked off. It was one of those things we’d been looking forward to anyway, but given recent events we had even more reason to want some fun. 


If you read the news or ever go on Twitter or social media, you’ll have seen frontman Dave Grohl broke his leg whilst on tour in Gothenburg and so since this was mere days before Wembley, it got cancelled. You can imagine how disappointed we were and I’ll admit it felt yet another real kick in the teeth.


However, thankfully, rather than dwell on our upset and situation, we decided randomly late on Wednesday evening, literally a few days before, to do something good with our time off and not waste it.


Learning my fiancé was off work for 2 days (he works shifts) and at around 1am Thursday morning, we made the impromptu decision to book an overnight stay in one of our favourite places in the UK, the New Forest.


We first visited the New Forest in 2013, just for a few days. This time being so last minute most places to stay were booked up and we didn’t even think about where we’d like to visit or what the weather was like.


I’m quite an organised person, my fiancé is super laid back. Most times it frustrates me I admit, but it’s a good balance to have and every so often his approach ends with us having a better time and I learn to try and be a bit more relaxed.


Thankfully, this time around the disorganised, quick decision worked in our favour.


We booked a little country farmhouse B&B in an area called Dibden, on the outskirts of the New Forest. It looked idyllic on the site and various reviews and images we saw, but you never know.


So instead of getting boozed up and rocking out to the Foos, we found ourselves in beautiful countryside, peace and quiet and some quality time the two of us. Perfect.


We made the 2 ½-3 hour drive and when we arrived at the B&B we were not disappointed, just as quaint and pretty as it had looked online. After checking out the lovely country style room, the flagstone floor and beautiful gardens we made our way sightseeing .


There is something about the New Forest, we’ve stopped off there on the way home from my fiance’s brother and his wife’s new home in Bournemouth before now too, in fact earlier this year.


I’m a big lover of animals so I never seem to tire of spotting the horses and ponies on narrow roads or grazing on places such as Emery Downs. We always have fantastic food wherever we go there and tend to find the people are always friendly too.


The good thing about the New Forest is you really can see and do things whether it’s sunny or cold, wet or dry. Although, admittedly, we might time it a little later in future so we can sample the gorgeous New Forest ice cream from the van at Bolderwood and also try the new tour buses – it seems we were little a early/out of season for those!


So my tips? Places I would recommend are:


As above, the ice cream from the van in the Bolderwood parking area - where you can also view the deer at the Deer Sanctuary - is a must!


New Forest Inn – a lovely country pub where you can choose traditional pub grub or try more gastropub fare – delicious


New Forest Wildlife Park – small but fun, great for families (or for couples like us where one of you gets nicknamed Dr Doolittle!)


Any of the walking paths around the forest area in general – beautiful surroundings and you can often spot all sorts of wildlife – ponies or deers running ahead across your path. 


Seashells restaurant in Hythe – beautiful seafood meal with a nice view


Lulworth Cove and Durdle Door (about an hour or so drive from New Forest area but well worth it, stunning!)


We didn’t go there this time, but as it’s all so close I am a huge fan of Monkey World in Wareham and of course you can travel to the sea in Bournemouth, I loved Boscombe as it was bit quieter. Lovely beaches! Or if you did fancy more hustle and bustle and a drink, there is a cocktail bar by the pier in Bournemouth that had great views. There are some fab pubs and restaurants round there too in the smaller areas, such as Indis in Westbourne.


Other places we’d been before and I’d recommend are Beaulieu Motor Museum, Burley village and Bucklers Hard.


All in all we had a lovely time, a good mix of great food, relaxing, walking and sightseeing. I’d try and stay in the adorable B&B again and next time make sure we can stay for more than one night! It was two wonderful days, but next time we’ll aim for more, there are just too many lovely things to see and do!

Ponies in the New Forest

Country house dining room at the B&B we stayed at 

Pretty common to see one animal or another crossing your path whilst you're in the New Forest!

The New Forest is famous for its deer, this is a little one we met at the Wildlife Park

One of the many walks/paths in the forest 

Hythe Marina

The New Forest Inn

Lovely pub near Lulworth Cove, great Ploughmans and famous for its cider

Lulworth Cove/Durdle Door

Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Booty-full burlesque

An Evening Of Burlesque

Years ago women showcasing their bodies and moving around in underwear would likely conjur up very negative opinions and bring to mind terms such as stripper, tart and easy.


Suggest a woman would go to see such things and admire the female form and you would cause insult and embarrassment.


When you think of burlesque what comes to mind?


According to some family members when I spoke to them recently their impression would be a sleazy strip show and an altogether dirty affair.


So, well aware I am very late to this party I should add, I recently experienced burlesque.

I’d never really thought about it until a few years ago when a colleague told me they were going to see Burlesque with some girl friends and there was talk of something called the Hurly Burly show. 

I’ve also obviously heard of the likes of Dita Von Teesebut  that is as far as my knowledge goes. 


The work colleague didn’t go into too much detail, but suggested they’d had a really good and fun night, ever since I’ve been meaning to try out a burlesque show but it’s never really come about.


Cut to the ever wonderful little local theatre where I live in Hornchurch, the Queens Theatre.


Recently I received one of their regular emails as to what’s on or coming up at the venue.


And what did I see? An Evening of Burlesque.


Reasonably priced and with seats left, I decided to ask my Mum and Auntie if they fancied a visit. Something different, quite last minute, shall we give it a try?


They agreed and we bought our tickets.


Well, I was not expecting what we experienced, mostly in how varied it was.


Yes of course the ladies are in underwear, corsets, stockings and glamour girl makeup (old school glamour I should add here, not Page 3/Essex Girl style!) The women were in all shapes and sizes which I loved, I knew burlesque tends to be relatively curvy girls, but each performer was different.


Whether the show we picked was a good introduction maybe I don’t know, but it was great.


We had a group of dancers, The Folly Mixtures, a compere Ms Ivy Paige, a showgirl in the traditional champagne glass, a hilarious comic ‘ballerina’ (a big guy dressed up pretending to be a Russian ballerina who helped embarrass many of the male audience members), burlesque stripping and dancing and lots and lots of laughs. Along with very high heels and beautiful costumes.


It was a real good way to spend an evening and I’ve since suggested to my other half we go see a show in London together.


Have any of you seen burlesque before? What was your experience like?


Do you think it’s cheesy and derogatory to women? 


Or do you think, as I currently do, it’s great fun and helps celebrate the female form and women’s confidence and beauty in all shapes, sizes and styles?



Monday, 29 June 2015

Counting away the days

Reminders reminders everywhere

Full flowing tears coming back and that stare

Everyone around seems to be having a baby

Ads, TV programmes, friends, all the picture of a happy family

Missing my Little Seed even more, that empty feeling even stronger inside

I thought I’d nearly reached the end of this emotional rollercoaster ride

Returning to work, people being nice, but I’m shocked how tired I seem

Just can’t believe it’s all real, life has gone and smashed our dream

Realising at this point it’d be the halfway mark

Right now we should be happy, having another scan, not in a world so cruel and dark

That desperate need to be a Mummy and having that little bump

Instead feeling lost, confidence blown, feeling a big fat lump

Getting nervous over the most basic day to day things

I thought the real me was back, until again started this sad daydreaming

People counting down, it was so long ago,

Surely she’s better and moved on? It’s forever, do they not know

That little life that ended all too soon, never to make it into our arms and world

A memory box is all that we have and my instinct our baby was a boy not a girl

Celebrating special events with loved ones are all too bittersweet

Reminders of where we should or could have been, fitting into our lifeplan all nice and neat

Instead seeing others with what we were meant to have, although of course happy for them too

Every day every night that slap in the face, trampling on your heart, it’s no longer that way for you

Moving forward and having good times again, feeling life maybe has some meaning for now

Yet then you’re suddenly down and questioning and crying and grieving, such a dive, how?

Up and down, smiles then frown, sparks back in your eyes then teardrops

Feeling until you have that baby, maybe this will never stop?

Sunday, 28 June 2015

In need of a gardening guru

For the first time ever I am blogging from my garden!

Granted, I've likely blogged from outside before as I do mostly tend to write posts on my phone whilst out and about or sitting in a packed train carriage or public area. I've yet to have my own area though that belongs to me.

For 3 years whilst I was at Uni and for 7 years whilst owning my first home - a flat - I didn't have a garden. Well technically in my flat I had a small 'communal garden' and for 2 of the 3 years we had a garden whilst at Uni. None of these were 'proper' gardens.

We moved into our house end of September last year. It was the first property myself and my fiance were going to own together and so far so good - well we've survived being in the house without killing eachother for now!This is the first house I've owned and the first property full stop my partner has owned.

One of the big things I always missed when living in a flat was the chance to go outside. I love my sun and you can normally find I'm in a better mood when the sun is shining and I'm feeling healthier with a glowing tan.

Now the rain has stopped today (well it was really hot yesterday and this is the UK!) it feel so nice to be able to come out into our own little private area and enjoy some fresh air. Where our patio area is - and where I'm sitting at our recently bought garden table and chairs set - feels really private and secluded as I'm almost hidden in a corner, behind a small extension area and next to a high fence. Just me and my thoughts.

In addition, we live in a small little crescent and there is hardly any noise when you sit out here, apart from birds tweeting and other people who live nearby.

Our garden is pretty small in all fairness, but to us it's a start and it's our garden, and realistically due to our different working hours and not having much time together as it is, how big a garden do we really need in all honesty?

This garden is small and compact, but most of it gets the sun and it suits us just fine.

But, I have a question for you - how do you decide what to do with your garden?

When we bought our house we soon realised - on viewings and once we'd moved in - that the former owners were very keen gardeners. Our garden was in immaculate condition when we moved in - shaped lawn, lots of bushes and plants, a cute little hanging bird table, a little shed, they left us their lawnmower and washing line. We were set up. Or so we thought.

The key word in the paragraph above is bushes! Yes there may have been lots of perfectly pruned and healthy bushes when we moved in, but fast forward to springtime and everything was kind of a bit overgrown. More of a problem than that, our garden is small and taking up two big chunky sides of it with bushes does not help that situation.

So recently we've decided to cut almost everything away and start again. Yes right now the garden looks bare and a bit of a mess, and it did take a lot of hard work (and many scratches, cuts, bruises and garden tools), but there is so much space to play with.

The problem now?

Well, we're stuck.

We need to decide what we really want it to look like and how it will work for us and we either don't agree with each other, or - in my case - can't even decide a consistent theme with ourselves.

For example, I love the idea of painting the fences a colour rather than creosote and painting the shed another colour - more pastel - to match the new colour fencing. I also like the idea of a small water feature (very small), but I don't want a load of hassle of water pumps, electricity etc so want to see if we could find a basic one. I one minute want thin flowerbeds to replace the wide ones we have now and put lots of colourful flowers in, but then I'd really love the sides paved - still thinner than they are now - and big pots on them instead. Already I've bought a small Buddha head statue for the garden as I've always wanted one.

See? A bit of a mixed bag of ideas here? You want to check out my Pinterest Garden folder to see just how bad!

My other half seems on board with most of my opinions, but his concern with paving and pots is we won't have much colour in the garden. And where I think we could pave one edge, but the other have turf right to the fence, he thinks it all has to match.

How can it be so complicated for such a small space of land?

When you add in we don't have tons of money to spend, we've not got lots of time to spend gardening (to do it up and in future to keep things alive!) and we're already into July next week, it's leaving me a bit doubtful we'll ever get it right this year before rain, storms and snow set back in!

We've also come to realise what a sign of ageing it also is to be so interested in our garden! To top it off, in order to get all tooled up with garden equipment, we used the Tesco Clubcard Double Up campaign and exchanged all our vouchers for items such as - gardening gloves, secateurs, rake, spade, fork, shears, loppers and more. We did also buy a small basic barbecue and some utensils for that, but we've not had a chance to actually have a BBQ yet!

I'd love to hear what other people out there have done with their gardens. Right now any help we can get we could do with.

I'll try to keep you posted on progress - if there is any! - and just keep my fingers crossed the previous owners never see this and hate us for ruining their beautiful blooming garden!

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

The final step

Last time I wrote on here, it was a week since my op. Now, a week later, it's two weeks since my op and my journey upwards seems to be continuing. 

Don't get me wrong there have still been bad days along the way. Aside from excess weight and some small things, I'm feeling more like me every day.

I've remembered to carry on with small steps each day and to take things slow. Which is hard for someone who's super impatient and can be quite self critical!

I've been trying to do some form of exercise most days - whether that's a walk by the sea, in the countryside or on a treadmill, or even helping my fiancé in the garden! 

In the last week I got back in the gym, I've been told I'm not allowed to gym it yet. However, in my mind being allowed to walk outside is no different to walking on a machine so I've given it a go (treadmill walking for 90 minutes is SO exciting as I'm sure you can imagine!) 

Socially I've been gradually seeing friends too, some even on my own - a huge step compared to where I was! 

Recently I've also met up with a friend who's expecting - something that many people have had bad experiences of and I was super nervous of I'll admit. Thankfully it all went really well, I don't know if that's because my friend is so nice and is laid back herself or if I was on a 'good day'. Either way it went well. 

Now the next and possibly last step I guess, is to return to work. Again, luckily my company have been supportive so far and I'm easing back in. It feels a huge deal to me though so I'm hoping that like all the other things I've built up it'll actually be okay. 

I'm now reading again, have been enjoying some nice food and drink, having to relax and rest when it's been sunny has meant my skin is looking pretty healthy and quite brown and I'm looking forward to plans again - theatre visits, enjoying films, planned gigs, my friend's wedding and being bridesmaid and more. 

I've also completed something before this journey ends (well I don't think it'll ever end but it'll become more positive than a struggle I hope). My memory box for Little Seed is complete - I got a nice box, all the memories and key items are all included and I also got some nice trinkets and pieces in memory too. I'm really pleased with how the box has turned out and now we've got something we can always look back on. 

As our garden is an ongoing (and also seems like it's going to be long) project, we've not opted for a plant in memory as yet.

So wish me luck, my last scary step begins tomorrow! 

Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Some relief

This time last week I was being discharged from hospital after my op - the ERPC, surgical management or D&C - whatever you want to call it.

Thank goodness the op seems to be slowly bringing me back to me again and helping us try move forward from this hell we've been experiencing.

I was petrified when I found out I had to have the operation, especially after two lots of medical management (the tablets). 

As I tried to get my head round the idea I did try to tell myself this could be it, this could be the only way now to really stop the physical side and help me and my fiancé to move forward. 

Thank goodness, 1 week on and I feel like the op has been the answer. Yes I've still got a way to go in some aspects, but it seems to be doing what it should. 

Yes, I'm furious the hospital and NHS in general didn't support me more (although on op day they were great) and that if things had been clearer I could have had this op done weeks ago and skipped weeks of this nightmare (the physical side at least). 

For now though I'm thankful it seems to have worked. It's time to focus on me and my fiancé, attempting to get more 'normal' again and remembering our Little Seed and holding him/her in our hearts always and forever.

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

Lovely words - the right time

I heard some really interesting words from a pregnant mother in the EPU recently.

She'd had four miscarriages, her fifth baby survived, she was now pregnant again (just shy of 20 weeks).

Talking of miscarriages she said: 
I think it's the same baby coming back to you until it's the right time [for them to be with you and for their health and development].

I thought that was a lovely way to think of it and look forward to a time when Little Seed returns and it is their right time xx

Sunday, 31 May 2015

Another battle

Yesterday was my follow up scan.

It wasn't good news.

I now need to have the op (ERPC or was known as D&C). 

There is still an amount of tissue remaining and they also noticed a cyst on my left ovary (apparently that's nothing to worry about for now). 

I won't lie. I was devastated and shocked when the nurse doing the internal scan told me this news. 

I really needed yesterday to be positive and now it feels the last four weeks were a complete waste of time.

My Mum was with me and we spent around 5 hours at the hospital yesterday after my initial scan and then being triaged to wait for a doctor for next steps etc. 

Since 1st May, the day of our 12 week scan this has been my life. I just want to move forward with my fiancé and try to get back to being me and my life. I've been off work this whole time and will need longer again now I need the op.

I've never had an op of any sort and this situation has been the first time I've been in a hospital for myself in any detail.

They couldn't confirm a definite day or slot as we were in at the weekend so I now have to make sure I fast as of midnight and have nothing, not even water from 6am. I have to call first thing tomorrow to check if they have a slot for day surgery so I can have the op. The doctor seemed to think if not tomorrow then Tuesday afternoon.

I have a million and one thoughts going through my head right now. 

What if something goes wrong
What if it doesn't work
What if they damage something
What if I get told I can't have children
What if I have complications from this cyst 
What if I get DVT or similar (I'm already being paranoid today that my legs feel weird)
Will I get an infection from the op or in general from the remains inside me (baby would've died 8 weeks+ ago now within me)

And just general fears of going into hospital in general.

My parents and my fiancé have been so so supportive as always. I honestly couldn't ask for more. 

I've been reading the leaflet of what to take/do before to prep for the op.

I'm petrified of needles etc and yesterday after having an internal scan I then had to have a blood test, urine sample (so they could do a pregnancy test to check if the HCG hormone is still showing) and swabs for pre-op checks. I imagine there'll be more tomorrow.

It even feels weird having taken off all my nail polish on my toes and fingernails. 

I know for instance I'll be put to sleep and they do this through a needle in your hand. 

In the grand scheme of things it is day surgery and the op takes about 15-20 minutes. If no complications I should be out the same day. I'm sure to others who've had ops and more I sound a right wuss. But I can't stop thinking about it.

It all just seems so cruel. Not only did we have to find out on 1st May our first ever child, my first ever pregnancy, our baby together was not alive. Now I've had four weeks of these awful physical symptoms and emotional heartache and all over the place hormones. And even after getting through that it's still not the end and now I need an op and recovery and more getting through things. 

I really do wonder what we've done to deserve this. I can't help wondering why us. There are so many people I know who go through this, but there are so many people right now expecting babies and all is well. Why did our Little Seed have to be one of the statistics? 

Right now I know I need to be strong and focus on after the op and think positively that it will work and we will be able to move forward and my health will finally start to return to normal. 

The longer this goes on though the more I question how much stronger I can be

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Ups and downs

So it's now 25 days. I can't believe I've spent nearly the whole month of May off work and dealing with what's happened. 

I'm still dealing with it and our lives are still deeply impacted by our loss.

I know we're never going to 'get over' this and it'll be an experience we'll never forget. This will always be with us. But rightly so, I don't want to forget our first child.

However, slowly but surely I think I'm having more and more better days.

My only wish now is desperately praying the physical side is going to stop some point soon.

My emotions can still change at any time, but I'm definitely crying less. And today even I cried happy tears.

One big change this week has been I've started to read again. Those who know me know I'm a real bookworm and I couldn't believe it when I lost all interest in books and reading. Yes, I am finding it harder to concentrate and am reading slower than I did. However, I did get some sort of enjoyment from reading.

Other little steps have been to do small things on my own - yes they were just to walk to our doctors round the corner, or the shops or my parents. I've done it on my own though and have had a couple of days where I've spent a good few hours at home on my own. This is a pretty big step really when I think about it since I couldn't bear to be apart from my fiancé before.

Due to the physical side still ongoing I'm still very tired and needing to rest a lot which at times I've found frustrating. 

I can't gym, but I can go for walks and I've been trying to make a start on our garden. Although I do need to remember my limits right now else I end up not feeling great.

Another step this week has been to finally see a friend. So far it's been close family only - my parents and my fiance's family. I actually found the experience did me good. 

Seeing anyone non-family on my own without my fiancé though still feels a step a bit too far. 

I also had my hairdresser over to dye my roots. It may sound vain, but it has helped my confidence slightly to have those grey and white hairs that had appeared hidden away. 

I've also collected a photobook today which I had made of memories of Little Seed which I plan to keep in a keepsake box of our little one. 

On Saturday I have another follow up scan to see if this second set of medical management has worked. I really feel I need that appointment to go 'well'. 

I continue to get comfort from other people in similar situations, people who've been through this in the past, my fiancé and family members, seeing the lovely flowers people continue to send and the photobook today brought happy tears. 

So although it feels a long way to go still, I'm finally feeling like I'm starting on that journey forward. Keep everything crossed for me this physical part starts to stop soon! 

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Good bad, happy sad

One good day, one bad
Feeling slightly happy, then sad

Thinking I'm a little better yesterday
Down, hurt, angry and tired today

Alternate days see me smile, then cry
One day getting out, the next just asking why

Sometimes happy for others and coping around children or a baby
Others jealous of announcements and upset why it's not me

Then pains seem to ease, hot water bottle put aside
Now aches, cramps and more, at home I just want to hide

Emotions start to settle, not so many tears
Then it flips and I feel I could cry non-stop for years

Things start to make me smile and perhaps laugh or smirk
Next minute completely low and can't face seeing people or going back to work

Social plans start to crop up again in my memory 
A day later no interest in anything in the future, no fun or mixing for me

You feel you're starting to move forward and start to become yourself, well in the main 
Awake the next day, see a scan, baby, bump or similar and back to square one again 

One day it must get better, this logically somewhere in my head I know
But when will my emotions and physical side match again though? 

Even ideas to try again, could we have another Little Seed?
Physical symptoms keep putting any idea of a stop to that, how will we ever succeed? 

The good must outweigh the bad sometime in the future I guess
For now, I just wish life and nature would give my mind and body a rest 

Monday, 18 May 2015

The journey continues

So, Saturday saw us return to our local hospital and the now well-known early pregnancy ward we are all too familiar with nowadays.

As I've blogged before, I am sure at some point I'll want a good rant and to blog about our experience with our local hospital and the NHS, but I will leave that to another day (each time we visit I have another hoard of bad things to list unfortunately).

This was our appointment for an internal scan to confirm if the medical management route had been successful. I had mixed thoughts already about this:

It may help us gain some form of closure
I would be devastated as it could confirm my baby was definitely and finally gone
I was worried they would say it hadn't worked and I needed an op
They would find some kind of problem like an infection or similar

As it turned out they did find a few things. They confirmed there were no remains of our baby (which for the last day or two I found has helped my emotions somewhat). However, there is still some 'items' internally which my body has not expelled for whatever reason! (The irony at how good my body is at holding on to things doesn't fail to frustrate and upset me daily after what has happened - often people say a miscarriage can happen if the body views it as a foreign item and tries to get rid of it).

At this point I was not offered an op as what is left is small - but of course needs to get out - I was told to either wait two weeks naturally and come back or to take the medical management tablets yet again. We went for the tablets to try speed things up, and after many hours at the hospital we then headed home to start the horrific experience we'd been through the fortnight before.

We also need to return to the hospital and that ward yet again in another 2 weeks to check everything is finally gone, if not they will have to consider 'other options'.

Thankfully this time round the pain - although awful - is not as bad and the other symptoms are nowhere near the same.

Each step of this is mixed, there is always a down if there is some form of up. I was starting to try and take some form of control on the situation (those who know me know I'm a control freak!) and so I can't control how quickly my body deals with this, I can't control the emotions (a great example of this is the manic laughing-crying-laughing situations that have occurred at times with my partner). However, I could control my food intake and trying to get back in shape (I had put on a lot from the first week or more of gorging on bad food, not much sleep and lying in bed at home). I'm determined to stick to my healthy eating as surely that should help both physically and emotionally. Yet again though, the down, I'd forced myself to try the gym towards the end of last week in a bid to try become a bit more 'normal' and 'me' again. Not allowed, the hospitals have told me I'm not to go to the gym, the most I should try is walking outside and I need to rest.

I must admit that knocked me as it was something I was doing to try gain back control and feel better. There seems to be this constant clash between your emotions and physical side being mismatched.

Since blogging and sharing - as I spoke about last time - I have found some more people have got in touch with similar experiences and I've also discovered yet more people through people I know who've been through miscarriage. It saddens me how many people go through this and how little it's talked about. That's why it's so nice for me to get comfort from others and to hear from other people too now who are going through or had similar experiences.

I did manage to (eventually) make a family party for our nephew's 1st birthday yesterday and spent time around more than a couple of people and non-family members (a first so far) and I was around babies and children.

So the appointment was not the closure we'd hoped for and the journey still continues, I had a bad night last night and today my energy levels are pretty low and I have some pain. But no tears yet today, so I'll take that for now.

Friday, 15 May 2015

Two weeks

This week my baby would have been 14 weeks. We would've shared our happy news and surprise with everyone by now - work, family and friends.

Instead we're two weeks on from what right now feels like the worst day of my life. 

Friday 1st May 2015, when we went for what should have been our first scan, the 'safe' 12 weeks stage, we found out something very different.

Despite me having had no signs or symptoms (and just relieved to have reached 12 weeks!) the sonographer couldn't find a heartbeat and on measuring apologised and told us our baby had no heartbeat and judging by size it had died at around 8 weeks. 

A second lady came in to double check and confirm. 

I will never forget that scan experience for as long as I live. Me realising something was wrong as it was quiet, my partner concentrating on looking for something to see on the screen. 

1 in 4 women suffer a miscarriage, it is so very common in the first 12 weeks. I'd had a missed miscarriage (where the baby dies but you have no symptoms and the foetus remains within you), this apparently is a 1 in a 100 scenario. 

Images of scan photos tear me apart right now and just take me straight back to that room and moment. 

Another time I'll go into the whole NHS thing and how we were treated in our local hospital and what truly happens. How they make you feel. How they deal with you.

Im also considering sharing the experience of the route we went down (and are currently still going through now) called Medical Management. I've soon realised people don't talk about these things and you don't truly know what to expect. People think it's not something too big to get over as the 'baby' never truly existed, legally they don't exist and they weren't in the world as a human being outside of your body. 

The description given at the hospital was nowhere near what really happens. And after what I went through physically I know I would've appreciated being prepared (thank goodness for those close to me who have been through similar before as they've been priceless in their help, support and knowledge). 

It's only the second Friday since this happened, but I really wonder when I will ever again be able to get through a Friday morning without seeing that time 10.36. The timestamp on the only scan/photo we'll ever have of our first baby. Our scan was due at 10.05 and they were late and had kept us waiting, the time we went in was around 10.25 and our hearts were broken and our world destroyed in what must have been around 10 minutes of time. 

Not knowing what to think or do at the time, I'm now so glad we agreed to the scan photo we were given. At least we have something of our Little Seed.

We've had some absolutely amazingly supportive friends and family. 

Disappointingly we've also unpleasantly experienced the opposite in some rare cases too. Both our workplaces have been patient and kind. 

I wonder on a Wednesday if I'll ever make it through a whole day without thinking that was my new week marker day. When I'd check my Pregnancy App in secret on my commute to work or lunchbreak and look what to expect that week and the size that little person inside me now was. The progress they were making. 

My partner has seen a big change in me in this fortnight. I guess I can see some changes myself - being able to actually get out of bed (through pain/exhaustion as well as emotion) is a start!

Key milestones for me have been actually getting up and washed and dressed, that time I managed to put on makeup and even once paint my nails! That first step out the front door after days. Then gradually building up to some walks in our local country park. This week even I've made myself go to the gym (something I seem to be suffering for today somewhat though), I've decided to start eating healthy again and try exercise where I can in a bid to feel better and gain confidence again in my body. 

There are many awful side effects of the medicine and going through this, not least your body taking its time to realise you've lost the baby and your hormones need to return to normal (including your bloated and protruding lower stomach). 

In all honesty I don't feel I know my body right now, it's not mine. All it's been through and how I could carry something for 4 weeks and not know in any way it had died. I feel very out of touch with my body and right now I cannot stand how it looks and what it's going through. 

I can only hope trying to stop bingeing on junk to fill the void will at least help my body heal and get various parts of me fit and healthy. 

I've still not been brave enough to see anyone other than my partner, close family and the doctor. 

Time, time is what it takes I've been told and deep down I know this. When your body and emotions constantly clash and are at a mismatch this is very hard. I'm impatient as it is, let alone now.

Tomorrow we have a scan. A scan to check the medication has worked and - to be blunt - make sure there are no remains in my womb of what was a pregnancy. 

This feels a key marker in this tragic journey and I hope one that helps us move forward somewhat. I can only beg it doesn't reveal more issues or more procedures needed. 

To those of you who read this blog - whether as a regular reader or someone new. If you don't want to read this content or it brings you down, please feel free to hit close and don't read the blog for the timebeing. 

Those of you who have visited as new and have gone through similar or know someone who has I hope reading some of this helps in some way. 

I've found great comfort in sharing my thoughts briefly so far, alongside those close to me who have been there every day without fail with their messages and support. In addition reading others experiences, sayings or quotes and joining with others through various means - whether that be a Tweeter, an Instagram member or a blogger - have also helped me not feel so alone in my thoughts and experiences. 

It is not a cry for help or attention. I've got my fantastic fiancé who is like no other, true friends and close family to help see me through this and offer their support, love and friendship. 

But sometimes in a society where miscarriages (especially 'early' ones) are kept so quiet, the health service offers little support or information (in mine and some others' experiences) and where unless you've been through it you never really know, sometimes you do need strangers to write/speak to and other means of grieving and working through your physical pain and emotional anguish.

I would hope people reading this respect that and either relate or understand. If you don't and you'd rather not read my blogs for now, again that's your choice. 

For now, whilst it continues to aid me - and I hope others - I'm going to try use my love of writing to get me through. My love of reading seems to have gone for now, I hope it will come back soon. 

To those of you already who have helped me - in whatever way - thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

Tiny step by tiny step, day by day, hour by hour, things are changing and thanks to those who've been through it and have chosen to share too, I know there are more positive days ahead, the old me is there somewhere and will return and my thoughts and body will feel mine once more.