The constant battle

You can’t wait to be a Mum and hold that baby in your arms

You miss that big round bump and feeling that life move inside your tummy

You can’t wait to see them crawling around and able to explore some more 

You miss how cute and dependent they were when they ‘just laid there’

You can’t wait to get some sleep and not be waking throughout the night to feed

You miss those little lips on you, that hand stroking your chest, those eyes gazing up

You can’t wait to see those little chubby legs walking around like others, what’s taking so long 

You miss the little baby who wanted to hold on and bounced around on your lap

You can’t wait for them to use that baby cutlery and make less mess

You miss putting that tiny spoon in their little mouth and no shouts or gestures of ‘I do it’

You can’t wait for those first words and to know what it is they need

You miss the little gurgles and raspberry blowing 

You can’t wait to be able to put them down and not have a constant clinging shadow 

You miss the cuddles and snuggles reading or simply dozing on you 

You can’t wait for them to start preschool or nursery, to get some time to ‘get things done’

You miss the noise, laughter and time together, it feels too quiet 

You can’t wait to have more time as they grow and learn

You miss that little baby and see how quick they’ve become this child

You can’t wait to not have to change so many nappies, tidy so many toys, be constantly interrupted 

You miss them needing you, the bright colours and those funny tales 

You can’t wait, you want it now, constantly comparing and looking ahead, until you get it, then

You miss the little one so tiny and needy who saw you as their all and needed you for everything. You realise how fast those days, weeks, months and years fly by 

And you wish you’d just lived it all and enjoyed each stage there and then, instead of looking ahead and wondering when

MOTHERS DAY

Making sure everyone else is happy first

Often in old clothes despite the kids regular wardrobe updates 

Trying her best every day but always judging herself

Here for her family no matter what

Early mornings and busy days everyday for her

Ready to paint, sing, run round softplay, cuddle or change nappies always 

Softest touch and kindest smile 

Don’t ever judge each other, stick together, Mum life is hard

Also a blessing, those big eyes looking at you, those arms around you, the tiny hands in yours

Your turn to get spoilt today, you’re their world 

Constantly comparing

It’s been a few days. I jotted down some ideas of things I wanted to blog about and then an upcoming twins birthday, trying to make plans and a teething baby have meant I’m too tired to blog of a night (when I normally type furiously away on my phone when all the kids are in bed). 

Well as I mentioned my twins will turn 1 shortly - on 4th February in fact - and I’ve been trying to plan for a family birthday party, a celebratory day out, presents, I could go on.

Part of the process of achieving the first birthday is the 1 year development check.

And it got me thinking of all the checks all my children have been through already. In fact I often think back to something in my own development in childhood.

I’m a tall girl, I’ve always been tall. Neither of my parents are particularly tall but for some reason I’m way up there. I’m about 5ft10/5ft11. When I was young and I was being measured at some check or other with my Mum (I assume at a doctors or health centre of sorts) I still to this day remember them being concerned how tall I was and they were actually talking about whether I would stop growing... and then? They tried to suggest to my Mum the idea of giving me medication to stunt my growth! Seriously! 

Needless to say we didn’t go down the medication route and shock horror I did stop growing!

I totally get over the years it’s beneficial how we’ve gained more and more research to help check our children are ‘okay’. We want to know our families are healthy.

But how do we ensure it’s a check that someone is ‘on track’ and not in any danger healthwise, rather than trying to fit everyone into a box? 

We know deep down these checks - they start from birth - are based on the ‘average’ person. 

However, I’m sure I’m not the only one who has worried about how their child is progressing. If they don’t fit into the average, why not? Are we instantly labelling them as failures/having issues?

If your child’s leg or arm doesn’t move as it should at birth that’s a physical indication something might be wrong. I get that.

However, when you go for a 1 year check and your child doesn’t point yet it’s truly not a big deal. You can be made to feel it is though. Once one thing is pointed out it starts the ball rolling with others. It makes you look at other milestones they may not have reached on time.  

When I had my first child I panicked and I won’t lie I still compare her now to others and worry if she’s doing what she should or why is she doing certain things others aren’t.

In the same way that people say nowadays our social media world causes them to feel pressured to look a certain way, these development checks can cause you to constantly question your parenting and your child. In fact I think nowadays there’s a huge pressure and culture of labelling.

We need to have a checklist to make sure we fit - even from birth - and if someone isn’t ticking those boxes then it’s time to stick a label on.

I’ve done it myself with my daughter - she’s very tall for her age and strong. She’s full of energy and very talkative and intelligent with a lot of things. What did I do? I grew concerned she had some behavioural disorder. And at times I still find myself worrying. 

I’m sure not everyone is like me! I am a natural born worrier! But I am concerned that often using these averages and quantitative analysis on ourselves leads to constant comparison. Isn’t it a case of needing to apply qualitative observations too? 

Are we at the top, the same, fitting the mold? 

If not what can we do to be the same? 

When I’ve been pregnant I’ve always tried to use hypnobirthing techniques and I strongly believe in the power of hypnobirthing. One of the things it teaches is with regards to labour and your ‘due date’. Straightaway you should think of the date you’re told your baby ‘should’ or ‘will’ arrive as a suggested date around which they may be born instead. Let your baby be born when they’re ready to enter the world (obviously if there’s some medical emergency and they need to be brought into the world more quickly then of course that’s what you do). 

Anyway why don’t we adopt this approach with the way we grown and learn? Why do we say that we should be doing these things by a certain age. Why can’t we remember and be happy in the knowledge no child is the same and they develop at their own pace? 

It’s life. The human race. Some people are tall, some people are short. Some people are confident, some are shy. Some children will be creative, some will be more active, some will be adventurous, some will prefer regularity and gain comfort from their usual setting. I could go on and on.

Difference is a good thing. Why don’t we stop fighting it and trying to make everyone fit? 

Next time one of my children has a check or I observe them around other children of the same age I’m going to really try and keep this mindset...

Mum guilt

I remember when I found out I was pregnant with the twins (well I didn’t realise there were 2 just then!) My first thought was to my daughter, my first born,    what if she felt pushed out? 

Being an only child myself I’ve always felt it all had to be about Olivia. I couldn’t get my head round the idea of having more than one child and in particular how can you love another child as much as the one you have.

I’d love to say this was the first time I experienced some sense of guilt at my actions/decisions potentially impacting my child. Ha! Who am I kidding?! I don’t think I could even count the number of times I’ve felt guilty over something linked to my daughter. 

And now there are 3? Well, there’s not any hope left for me now...

Guilty as charged. 

I’ve always been a people pleaser type of person so it’s likely through most things in my life I will have felt bad about what I may have said/done in case it upset the apple cart and caused any offence.

Being a Mum? That’s a whole different story, this is a different level.

I feel guilty for maybe hugging two and leaving one out, for not going back to work (am I setting a bad example), for thinking of going back to work (abandoning them?), not doing enough classes with them, not reading enough, allowing too much screen time, not disciplining enough, being too shouty, for not making healthy enough meals, for being too strict with treat snacks, and on and on and on and...

The biggest guilt? At the moment, the ongoing constant battle of whether I am treating them all fairly.

It’s the twins first birthday fast approaching and I’ve lost count the amount of times I’ve felt guilty over what we’re doing - or not doing - for it.

After your first child even I know it’s standard to not do perhaps quite so much with any additional siblings. 

But I’m constantly comparing Olivia’s first birthday to what we’re looking at for the twins, and there’s two of them.

Case in point everything had to be new with Olivia. The twins? We were welcoming on any donated clothes, toys, equipment from well wishing friends and relatives.

Often I get told ‘they won’t know’ when I feel things aren’t the same this time round - lack of classes, not reading as much, party plans - all of it. But I’ll know and that’s the problem.

I remember when I was pregnant with my first and talking about feeling bad about something I’d done/not done and I was told to get used to it - welcome to the world of Mum guilt.

Do men not get this? What do you guilt trip over?

I literally do not stop feeling guilty when it comes to my children and friends are always telling me of their guilt over all sorts of things.

Why do we do it? 

I read somewhere recently if you’re feeling guilty about something as a parent it’s probably a sign you are a good parent as if you were a failure/bad parent you wouldn’t worry and wouldn’t be questioning yourself!

I remember thinking what a good point this was. Until worrying about the next thing! 

Tonight? I’m going to bed feeling like a failure because of bathtime and bedtime. 

It’s safe to say tonight was an utter shit storm. It did not go well.

I’m trying to set up a new bath and bed routine which can involve all 3 kids (and stops my guilt at leaving crying twins downstairs whilst I bath my eldest). 

Tonight, they were all over tired and needless to say my chosen method and order of bathing was not a success. I ended up a hysterical screaming monster and have spent the evening since feeling guilty at how I snapped at the babies and made Olivia upset too (in response to their hysterical behaviour first I should add).

My daughter needed her hair washed tonight which inevitability took longer and she was shattered as it’s a preschool day today too. 

Well, the twins were tired and unhappy and wouldn’t stop crying and Olivia just wanted her bath and bed (I bathed the twins first). At a few times all three were screaming and crying (which surprisingly is a rarity to be fair) and I was there screaming along with them (well at them!) 

If I hadn’t done that? Mum guilt for not washing her hair, Mum guilt for leaving the twins to cry downstairs, Mum guilt for not bathing the twins enough. I could go on...

So why are we always feeling so guilty? 

I know lots of Mums who I wouldn’t say are ‘people pleasers’ like me who suffer this too, so it cant just be my obsessive worrying personality! 

And how comes men seem so laid back? Well they seem to be, let me know if I’m wrong and as a make you get parenting guilt.

Any tips for beating the guilt?

Or is that it now? A lifetime of guilt for them, about them??

I’m dropping my phone as I type this as I’m falling asleep where I’m tired, it’s been one of those days! So for now I’m going to try get some sleep before I start to feel guilty about something else!!

Making time for Mum

Ha even the title of this post is proving the point of how things change when you have children.

Not making time for me/for Mel but for ‘Mum’. I’m sure I’m not the only one who wonders where they’ve gone since having kids - what happened to the person you were pre-children?

The gap since my last post should give some sort of indication of how time for myself is pretty much forgotten most the time these days - definitely bottom of the pile in life as I know it now, with it’s never ending and constantly growing to do list.

I dread to even think how this will even read - can I even write well anymore? Or has my Mum mode/baby brain/rhyme singing mind taken over?

Don’t get me wrong I adore my children and truly know how blessed I am to even have them. (There you go obligatory Mum guilt statement number 1!)

However, one of the key things that shocked me when having children is the discovery of how different it is to how I ever imagined and the sense of loss in your self that can be experienced at times.

I don’t really like to make new year resolutions, let’s face it most of them aren’t kept to and aren’t that sincere. Or we just ride along with the generic cliched standard list that get rolled out most years - be healthier, lose weight, be better with money, be more organised, blah blah blah.

I’m really hoping this year to try and make more time for me. I see it myself, after a little time on my own or getting to be ‘the old me’ as I often view it, it’s like hitting the reset button. I’m more chilled and I miss and value those little munchkins of mine even more. I appreciate my life a whole lot more and the resentment, anxiety, tiredness, impatience, short temper and stress is chipped away and seems not all that bad.

Yes it’s tough being a Mum and a stay at home Mum at that - pre child me is sitting there now rolling her eyes at that one (you ‘don’t work’, you’re at home, what’s so hard about that, how can you be stressed?) But if you can find some balance and have a few bits of ‘time off’ now and again it’s such a fulfilling and worthwhile life and a privilege to be able to experience.

So why is it every time I even start to consider looking into booking some time for me - shopping, a film, a spa day, just an hour or two to read a book, have a bath, listen to music, see friends - the guilt kicks in?

Why do we feel so bad at needing a break? Why do we feel it’s so wrong to want to be someone over than Mum?

Tell me, how do you balance it? What do you do? And what is this guilt? I’m sure I’m not the only one who gets it, right?

So yeah, 2019, I’d like a bit more time for me please and to also be a fiancée again and enjoy some time as a couple - the pair we used to be, not Mummy and Daddy for all the time.

Now if I can just get over this guilt first...and the care of 11month old twins and a 2 and a half year old...the washing...the nappies...the shopping...the cleaning...the diary planning..the budgeting...the cooking...

Oh, you know what, maybe tomorrow...

No time

No time

No time to keep the house clean and get done all the chores
But always time to make sure that I’m here and I’m always yours

No time to eat a meal slowly and in peace, without little hands wanting some or little mouths crying out
But always time to ensure you don’t go without

No time to keep on top of meeting up with friends
But always time to be careful you have someone on you can depend

No time to remember important to dos to keep adult life running fine
But always time to know all those characters, stories and rhymes line by line

No time to get back to all the messages needing replying to and dates to find seem to never end
But always time to have a caring shoulder, arms or ear to lend

No time to buy nice new clothes for me, sit and do hair, makeup, nails and other beauty
But always time to play, sing, read, draw and get messy

No time to read a really good book, watch a film or listen to music properly
But always time to hold you in my arms or sit with you on my knee

No time for me and daddy to just cuddle and talk for hours like we used to do
But always time to get bags, food and clothes ready for you

No time to plan holidays, dates and nights out
But always time to make sure you get out and about

No time to notice all the mess on my clothes and in my hair
But always time to smile and gaze into your adoring loving stare

No time to be referred to as or make quality time for ‘the old me’
But always time to make note you’re developing as you should be

No time to remember all I always need to do
But always time to show my never ending love for you

World Breastfeeding Week

This week is world breastfeeding week

As a woman new to this world of being a mummy it's a topic close to my heart.

I breastfeed.

I'm proud I do it and I love the fact I do it.

I also think mummies who don't breastfeed are amazing too.

I do not like the stigma attached to mums who don't breastfeed as being bad or lazy and making those women feel like failures in some way.

I also do not like the way mums are judged for simply feeding their children in public. When you think all the sights you experience every day how can something so natural be deemed so disgusting?

Years ago the thought of breastfeeding seemed a strange idea to me I admit. Ew a baby sucking on your breasts? Ew. No thank you very much.

This from the girl who always said "er babies come out all covered in gunk when I have a baby I want it cleaned up before they hand it to me"!!

Cut to 9th May 2016 when my beautiful daughter entered this world at 10:10pm and changed our lives forever. And yes she was handed to me immediately and she was beautiful and I kissed her and cuddled her as close as I could. After she was then checked and we'd had 1 hour of skin to skin (thank you Queens Hospital labour ward staff. No the hospital is not all bad as people claim and they were amazing to us!) she was placed on my chest and she latched on immediately.

If I didn't feel amazing already for having got through hours and hours of labour and birth (if not extremely exhausted and in pain!) that sensation of feeding my child was astonishing - I felt so pleased she did it and I felt great I'd been able to do it.

Once I was pregnant this time round I said about half way through my pregnancy I wanted to try and breastfeed, but that I wasn't going to put myself under pressure. If I could great, if I couldn't no big deal.

I was lucky no midwives or NHS staff made me feel I had to breastfeed either - I know a lot of woke unfortunately get forced or guilt tripped into it.

So when the time came I was chilled out about it and yes I've had a successful time.

Well, don't get me wrong there were slight struggles. Such as she fed around midnight when born and then when the midwives came round about 7/730am to check how she was feeding and asked when she was last fed and went a bit crazy that she's not fed since. Yes I was a new tired mum and a bit clueless and had heard the next day midwives come round and show you what to do and as I'd sat up all night holding my newborn child and she'd seemed okay I thought all was well!

I then had to keep a chart and monitor when she fed and when she needed her nappy changed etc. And lo and behold once I knew what I was meant to be doing I fed my baby and our breastfeeding went well.

I tried to let her tell me when she wanted a feed - hand in mouth, turning her head to my chest etc and after a few weeks or less we'd established a 3 hourly feeding routine.

I think my whole being relaxed about whether I can breastfeed or not has helped keep me chilled out and successful in my feeding. Also my type of birth meant breastfeeding could be started naturally.

I've had a few hiccups along the way - very minor I must say and luckily for me - I've had to buy lanolin the godsend for breastfeeding mums (although not used much) and I had a bit of soreness early on a couple of times.

I also was very nervous to try expressing in case my baby went off feeding from me. My amazing health visitor as per usual reassured me and assured me when he came to visit when she was 9 weeks old that my feeding was well established and she would come back to me after the bottle and that Daddy should feed her first and to take our time.

Well, what do you know? 3 weeks later and she's accepted bottle and boob and I've even managed a girls boozy night out (oh the guilt and disappointment though at having to throw those 17oz of ruined milk away!) and I've even attempted to give her the bottle too (whilst covered in a muslin to try mask my scent and hide my boobs haha).

I've also fed in public, I've got a handy little cover to hide my modesty and am comfortable feeding when out.

I choose to cover up when out, some Mums don't. I used to feed her in a chair in her nursery now I do it on the sofa or on the side of the bed in the night. I've tried 'dream feeding' (breastfeeding your baby when they are asleep). I know my posture is not great when I feed her now. But you know what? I am comfortable and happy with what works for us and that's what we'll continue doing. And I hope I can continue to feed my baby with my milk until she's 6 months.

Support is so important - my fiancé has been supportive from the very start as have friends and family. I haven't needed to attend breastfeeding groups for advice but I know others who have and and they're great - use them. Get support and help support other Mums.

However as we mark National Breastfeeding Week, I want to salute all the mummies out there - whether you breastfeed, formula feed, express or whatever. Well done you, you're doing what's right for you and your baby. And if you're struggling with breastfeeding - keep at it if you feel you can and get support. If it's not working for you or bubba then stop. Don't feel guilty, do what feels right for you and little one.