Your body says no

As I sit here with a fuzzy head croaky voice and achey body, currently taking a few various medications to get me back on track I’m almost laughing at myself.

I’ve written a few blogs about making time for me and putting myself first. 

Well my body has finally turned round the last few days and fought back. It’s had enough. I’m not looking after myself properly. So now it’s showing me.

On Monday I felt so unwell, I don’t remember feeling so ill in a long long time.

Today I’ve finally left the house properly and popped to the local shops, done the preschool run and basically got a bit of fresh air. I still don’t feel great, but I feel good to be out.

The last couple of days I’ve had time in bed to just lay and relax and rest. I’ve clearly needed it. 

I’m not sure how interesting this post is or really why I’m writing it. I guess maybe as a reminder for me when I start making all those excuses why NOT to go do something for me in the future. 

This post can remind me that eventually my body and mind will fight back so why not be kind to it before it gets that far? 

As someone who’s a nightmare for making me time I know it’s going to be a slow change, but once I think I might finally listen.

For one, being a Mum of three aged 3 and under isn’t a walk in the park at the best of times and it sure as hell is no fun when you’re ill! 

Jumping back on the saddle

It became apparent to me recently that I had maybe lost my way a bit over the last couple of years. Without wanting to sound too cliche, I felt like I'd lost the real me and become one of those women who are simply someone's Mum.

Now don't get me wrong, I appreciate what a complete privilege it is to be somebody's Mum and I adore my children and being a Mum. However, since having my first born in 2016 I have forgotten to think about me and been focused on bringing up our children - particularly since we went from a family of 3 to a family of 5 last year!

After a few rather self pitying moments and honest messages and chats with close friends I came to realise I had to start doing something for me again. In particular, making the effort to actually stick to looking after me and not making excuses to avoid it!

Those of you who have followed my blog for a long time will know I used to enjoy a few things before becoming a Mum - never anything too exciting hobby wise admittedly, but I had a few interests and one of those was spinning.

There has been a gym local to our house for quite a while now and I've never really properly looked into it, but after my recent realisation I decided to bite the bullet and make some enquiries.

Fast forward to this week and I found myself signing up to a spinning class.

It's so funny how times change, as I was getting my gym gear on - my old, trusty padded-bum cycling trousers included - I felt a little buzz of excitment. After helping bath the twins and put them to bed I left my fiance to sort our eldest and impatiently waited to make a move round to the local gym.

I was part nervous as to whether I'd be able to keep up and if I'd enjoy the class and then pretty excited I have to admit. How sad - the excitement at leaving the house without kids and being such a little rebel doing something for me!!

As I got in the gym and walked up to the small studio (the fact the gym is ladies only, local, teeny tiny and the spin class works like a silent disco setup all helped no end) I found my confidence return and I started chatting away to the friendly instructor and some other ladies there to take part.

The music began and that was it, I went straight back to my previous spinning classes and felt a huge surge of adrenaline and sensed a great big smile spread across my face - I bet the others thought I was crazy and in need to get out more, hmmm...

These classes are just 30 minutes so it was a great way to get me back into it, I tried to push myself as hard I felt able and not too much that I'd collapse - put it this way I felt sick a few times during the session!

My poor fiance when I got back, I was definitely on some sort of post workout high and I didn't stop talking when I got in. And then it hit - my body went into a bit of a shock I think from the exercise - I felt all wobbly legged and a bit light headed. Lots of water and some dinner and I was fine though and so pleased I'd taken the first step to get back into something I enjoy and try make time for me.

Needless to say I've put my name down for another class and can't wait (bar the achey bum the next day!)

It's lucky I need to find someone to watch the kids in order to go, as I fear my little obsession (three classes a week and having a 'favourite' bike and so on) would soon become the norm again!

Before

 After...

Making time for Mum

Ha even the title of this post is proving the point of how things change when you have children.

Not making time for me/for Mel but for ‘Mum’. I’m sure I’m not the only one who wonders where they’ve gone since having kids - what happened to the person you were pre-children?

The gap since my last post should give some sort of indication of how time for myself is pretty much forgotten most the time these days - definitely bottom of the pile in life as I know it now, with it’s never ending and constantly growing to do list.

I dread to even think how this will even read - can I even write well anymore? Or has my Mum mode/baby brain/rhyme singing mind taken over?

Don’t get me wrong I adore my children and truly know how blessed I am to even have them. (There you go obligatory Mum guilt statement number 1!)

However, one of the key things that shocked me when having children is the discovery of how different it is to how I ever imagined and the sense of loss in your self that can be experienced at times.

I don’t really like to make new year resolutions, let’s face it most of them aren’t kept to and aren’t that sincere. Or we just ride along with the generic cliched standard list that get rolled out most years - be healthier, lose weight, be better with money, be more organised, blah blah blah.

I’m really hoping this year to try and make more time for me. I see it myself, after a little time on my own or getting to be ‘the old me’ as I often view it, it’s like hitting the reset button. I’m more chilled and I miss and value those little munchkins of mine even more. I appreciate my life a whole lot more and the resentment, anxiety, tiredness, impatience, short temper and stress is chipped away and seems not all that bad.

Yes it’s tough being a Mum and a stay at home Mum at that - pre child me is sitting there now rolling her eyes at that one (you ‘don’t work’, you’re at home, what’s so hard about that, how can you be stressed?) But if you can find some balance and have a few bits of ‘time off’ now and again it’s such a fulfilling and worthwhile life and a privilege to be able to experience.

So why is it every time I even start to consider looking into booking some time for me - shopping, a film, a spa day, just an hour or two to read a book, have a bath, listen to music, see friends - the guilt kicks in?

Why do we feel so bad at needing a break? Why do we feel it’s so wrong to want to be someone over than Mum?

Tell me, how do you balance it? What do you do? And what is this guilt? I’m sure I’m not the only one who gets it, right?

So yeah, 2019, I’d like a bit more time for me please and to also be a fiancée again and enjoy some time as a couple - the pair we used to be, not Mummy and Daddy for all the time.

Now if I can just get over this guilt first...and the care of 11month old twins and a 2 and a half year old...the washing...the nappies...the shopping...the cleaning...the diary planning..the budgeting...the cooking...

Oh, you know what, maybe tomorrow...