Your body says no

As I sit here with a fuzzy head croaky voice and achey body, currently taking a few various medications to get me back on track I’m almost laughing at myself.

I’ve written a few blogs about making time for me and putting myself first. 

Well my body has finally turned round the last few days and fought back. It’s had enough. I’m not looking after myself properly. So now it’s showing me.

On Monday I felt so unwell, I don’t remember feeling so ill in a long long time.

Today I’ve finally left the house properly and popped to the local shops, done the preschool run and basically got a bit of fresh air. I still don’t feel great, but I feel good to be out.

The last couple of days I’ve had time in bed to just lay and relax and rest. I’ve clearly needed it. 

I’m not sure how interesting this post is or really why I’m writing it. I guess maybe as a reminder for me when I start making all those excuses why NOT to go do something for me in the future. 

This post can remind me that eventually my body and mind will fight back so why not be kind to it before it gets that far? 

As someone who’s a nightmare for making me time I know it’s going to be a slow change, but once I think I might finally listen.

For one, being a Mum of three aged 3 and under isn’t a walk in the park at the best of times and it sure as hell is no fun when you’re ill! 

Just a short sharp scratch

Just a short sharp scratch 

Ew even those words make me feel a bit nauseous.

I’m a wuss. There are a lot of things I’m scared of and nervous about to be fair. However, injections and blood tests is definitely up there! 

As mentioned in yesterday’s blog post I’ve had somewhat of a health ‘MOT’ this week.

Since I have asthma I’m always offered the flu jab. I think I’ve had it most years although I really can’t remember if I did last year. 

Anyway, there have been moments I’ve had my fiancé distract me by acting silly in a doctors room to stop me freaking out at having injections. My arm has started aching at just the thought of being injected in some sort of phantom pain. I’ve felt faint, got hot and on the verge of tears when having to get blood taken. 

Yet I’ve given birth twice and been through a few unpleasant procedures in my time. Including a huge needle in me when I had an epidural! Still, I continue to worry over a tiny needle and a really short moment of discomfort. 

Needles, blood, yuck. 

However, something weird has happened to me this week. For one, I decided to stay true to my mantra I was going to follow this week and try put myself first a bit more. So some symptoms I’d been having and a letter for a test I’d received I finally decided to address. 

Hence the MOT! 

I won’t lie there were times before one appointment I nearly walked out the doctors and I did get a bit tearful.

After my blood test today I felt a bit hot and nauseous.

However, I stuck at it and attended my appointment Monday and made sure I covered all the points I wanted.

When it came to having my flu jab, I surprised myself I was chatting away and didn’t even flinch when it was done. 

Normally post blood test I walk around with a stiff arm and don’t move it for hours after. Yes I know how ridiculous this is! Today, I walked straight out, popped my cardigan and coat on and not long after was carrying a bag full of shopping for the kids I’d collected. 

So yes, I’m a 37 year old woman and finally I think I might have actually overcome some of my fears this week. 

Don’t get me wrong I didn’t enjoy any of it and still wasn’t keen, but it was definitely not so traumatic as I usually find it. And - yes I know what a big girl! - I went to all the appointments and tests on my own.

Maybe that’s the way to approach a lot of things in life you fear. Think of it as a short sharp scratch - it’s not going to last and will be over soon enough. 

Doctor dilemmas

The last couple of weeks I’ve had to use the healthcare system for my children and I’ve had very different experiences.

So much so, that I felt I wanted to share my thoughts and opinions on here with others.

All 3 of my children have needed to be seen for various reasons – I should add they’re all okay (or at least that seems the case for now) – I’ve used my local doctors surgery, a ‘hub’ service, called 111 for the first time and a walk-in specialist clinic at our local hospital.

I won’t go into details as to why my children have had to visit, but for those who don’t know, my eldest turned 3 in May and my twins will soon turn 18 months of age.

With my twin boy there was something that’s been concerning me and my fiancé for a while that we wanted checked out as it didn’t seem advisable to just leave it. I used to always take our firstborn to the doctors with my other half because he’d keep calm and I’d get in a flap, but with shift work, unpredictable appointments and having three little ones now I have to 'man up' and just do what needs to be done myself.

Admittedly I was at the doctors quite a lot in Olivia’s first year, she was my first born – my precious rainbow baby – so I probably went a few times more than needed (like most first time parents I imagine!) Those Mums out there will know the looks and the tones you sometimes get as a first time Mum (FTM) and although I get it as some of the worries probably are totally unfounded and laughable, it doesn’t help to treat the mother that way. However, now a Mum of three aged 3 and under I don’t really feel I fall into that category and seriously don’t have time to be going to the doctor – especially multiple times – if I can help it! If I’m there it’s because something is not right and is definitely different or wrong with my child or me.

I took Callum to the doctor (I should add an experienced doctor and one who has seemed relatively helpful previously) and had him seen initially about his eczema. Of course the rule of 1 issue 1 appointment and an allocated 5 minutes per appointment was in the back of my mind when I brought up my 2^nd concern, but as I was sat there with a 17 month old infant I felt I’d be listened to.

I was, sort of, interrupted a few times and a quick light shine into my son’s eyes and I was told he was fine and the reason why he was showing certain behaviours (when I pushed for a reason) was simply ‘everyone’s different’.

A few days later I realised I wasn’t happy about the response and vague and hurried check and I rang to book another appointment. Our doctors like to have a phone appointment first and then leave a prescription or book to see you after if they feel necessary. This day I had the call and the doctor (the same one I should add) asked us to come in that same afternoon within the next 30 minutes. Great! I was being taken seriously…or so I thought.

After being kept waiting over 15-20 minutes after rushing there from the local park as the appointment timing was unexpected to say the least, we were called in and the same vague check was done. My partner was with me and pushed a bit more so another hurried check was done and my son was presumed fine and after pushing some more we were told perhaps we should visit an opticians and then we were pretty much encouraged out the door…Not before some of my comments and concerns were near enough laughed at.

A day or two later on trying to book a children’s appointment I was in fact informed that under 5 years of age a child should be referred to a specialist clinic/hospital by a doctor as they have the specialised equipment a child so young needs.  So another (pretty tense  by now) call to the surgery and later on another call with the same doctor left me being told a referral was not going to happen as it’d take forever for us to be seen (20 weeks+) and we’re best to go to an A&E in an East London specialist hospital or (again after pushing) a walk in clinic at our local hospital during certain times.

We did attend this local hospital walk in clinic and they were pretty good – a doctor didn’t see us that day, but a quick sit down with the Sister and some questions asked we were told we’d be referred to a paediatric clinic and we’d receive a letter ‘soon’. Our concerns weren’t mocked in any way and rather we were reassured. And do you know what a few days later a referral letter came and we’ve got an appointment in about 3 weeks’ time! Again, the staff member said our doctor could have saved us a visit by simply referring us as he’s meant to.

It’s actually making me laugh writing this as I’ve realised how much we’ve used the health service the last few weeks as I’ve also used an out of hours hub service and 111 for my twin girl regarding a rash she had – they were pretty good to be fair bar the agonising waiting in a queue and being constantly cut off by one and then the robotic question asking by the other when the answers were already clear by what I’d said in my initial intro on the call. Still, I am immensely grateful to even have such services – and free of charge – so believe me this is not going to turn into an NHS bashing post – far from it!

In fact the most recent visit – with a different doctor – one I’ve never seen before in fact at our surgery, totally blew me away and has left me singing her praises still days after our experience.

I’d got two appointments half an hour apart (one for each daughter) and immediately she made me and my children feel at ease. My twin girl was walking up and down the treatment room and dancing, playing with the doctors shoes and waving, she was one happy bunny! Then I hesitantly explained to the doctor about my other daughter’s appointment and as she’s very aware I was unsure how to discuss the issue with her about and in turn was doubtful of her cooperation since she’s well and truly going through the ‘threenager’ stage right now!

That doctor used her initiative and her skills and didn’t cut me off, rush me out or tell me I’d have to wait for said appointment. She came out to reception with me to meet my daughter and did various ‘tricks’ and games in order to observe her and make her checks. She reassured me, made my daughter happy and in fact now keen to go back to the doctors! To give you an idea what this doctor was like, after being bossed around to do certain actions by Olivia, she came skipping and twirling into reception with her to meet Callum because he was the only one she hadn’t met yet and she didn’t want him left out! She gave me an idea of timings, is calling me in the next couple of days if there is anything unsure and to put any anxiety at ease and explained to me various outcomes and what to expect. She's even said if nothing comes about in the next 2 weeks (it involves another referral) then we should call her.

Totally polar opposite experiences, without a doubt.

So, to the latest doctor – thank you. Thank you for not making me feel like an inconvenience to you or rushing me along. Thank you for showing a real interest in my children and trying to make their experience as fun and stress-free as possible, taking me seriously, helping to ease my worries and adapting to the situation as needed.

To others in healthcare who deal with mothers and their children. I know you’re stretched, tired and put on by those above and a severely over-worked, under-appreciated system and at times probably face an often rude and on occasion unfriendly and even abusive public. You must have no end of deadlines, targets and goodness knows what other unrealistic goals to work to. However, please don’t forget the reason you got into the profession and what you mean to those people who come to visit you with genuine concerns and young little lives they are responsible for and would do anything for.

Just taking that extra minute or two, being a bit more flexible with the rulebook or  being creative with your approach and tailoring it can make a world of difference to a child and in turn their parent/carer. It really does matter.

Jumping back on the saddle

It became apparent to me recently that I had maybe lost my way a bit over the last couple of years. Without wanting to sound too cliche, I felt like I'd lost the real me and become one of those women who are simply someone's Mum.

Now don't get me wrong, I appreciate what a complete privilege it is to be somebody's Mum and I adore my children and being a Mum. However, since having my first born in 2016 I have forgotten to think about me and been focused on bringing up our children - particularly since we went from a family of 3 to a family of 5 last year!

After a few rather self pitying moments and honest messages and chats with close friends I came to realise I had to start doing something for me again. In particular, making the effort to actually stick to looking after me and not making excuses to avoid it!

Those of you who have followed my blog for a long time will know I used to enjoy a few things before becoming a Mum - never anything too exciting hobby wise admittedly, but I had a few interests and one of those was spinning.

There has been a gym local to our house for quite a while now and I've never really properly looked into it, but after my recent realisation I decided to bite the bullet and make some enquiries.

Fast forward to this week and I found myself signing up to a spinning class.

It's so funny how times change, as I was getting my gym gear on - my old, trusty padded-bum cycling trousers included - I felt a little buzz of excitment. After helping bath the twins and put them to bed I left my fiance to sort our eldest and impatiently waited to make a move round to the local gym.

I was part nervous as to whether I'd be able to keep up and if I'd enjoy the class and then pretty excited I have to admit. How sad - the excitement at leaving the house without kids and being such a little rebel doing something for me!!

As I got in the gym and walked up to the small studio (the fact the gym is ladies only, local, teeny tiny and the spin class works like a silent disco setup all helped no end) I found my confidence return and I started chatting away to the friendly instructor and some other ladies there to take part.

The music began and that was it, I went straight back to my previous spinning classes and felt a huge surge of adrenaline and sensed a great big smile spread across my face - I bet the others thought I was crazy and in need to get out more, hmmm...

These classes are just 30 minutes so it was a great way to get me back into it, I tried to push myself as hard I felt able and not too much that I'd collapse - put it this way I felt sick a few times during the session!

My poor fiance when I got back, I was definitely on some sort of post workout high and I didn't stop talking when I got in. And then it hit - my body went into a bit of a shock I think from the exercise - I felt all wobbly legged and a bit light headed. Lots of water and some dinner and I was fine though and so pleased I'd taken the first step to get back into something I enjoy and try make time for me.

Needless to say I've put my name down for another class and can't wait (bar the achey bum the next day!)

It's lucky I need to find someone to watch the kids in order to go, as I fear my little obsession (three classes a week and having a 'favourite' bike and so on) would soon become the norm again!

Before

 After...

Save your life in 5 minutes

                  Image: Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust

I’ve just watched a debate on TV about smear tests. Ever since the sad loss of reality TV star Jade Goody heightened awareness of the health check, it’s popped up in the media it feels pretty regularly.

However; the truth is there are many many women out there who simply do not attend these appointments.

According to a survey by Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust, one in four eligible women (aged 25-64) do not go for a smear test, rising to one in three among 25-29 year olds.

A welsh salon is the latest to highlight the topic this week, as it has been offering women a free bikini wax if they attend their smear. 

TVs Jeremy Vine Show was asking if this was a good or bad thing. To me there was no debate to be had.

Surely anything that gets women to go get checked is a good idea? 

I get it. I’ve had a few smear tests now, admittedly I’m not so bothered about them since having children. Hey, I think once you’ve given birth or gone through any process associated with getting pregnant you kind of give up the whole concern of who’s looking at your bits!   

When I first went I remember worrying about two things - was it going to hurt and did everything look okay down there.

I think it was my Mum who talked me through what to 
expect - well a rough idea. I was nervous going and it wasn’t the most comfortable experience. 

Whenever I have to go through any sort of internal check I’m always getting told ‘to ‘relax’. 

Like I say, I get it. It’s inevitable you’re going to be nervous about a stranger going down there and wondering if it might hurt.

However, if the alternative is potentially missing the fact you’ve got cancer. Isn’t it a no brainer? 

Yes you’ll avoid potential embarrassment and maybe some discomfort, but you could die.

Maybe that’s a simplistic and dramatic way to put it, but that is exactly the situation you could be putting yourself in by not going.

I agree nobody should feel pressure to look a certain way - whether it’s their genitals, their body shape or even simply their facial features. 

Being human I think it’s a natural instinct to worry about appearance and being judged. It’s certainly fuelled by media images and these picture perfect filtered selfies, but I think 
the pressure has and unfortunately always will be there in some shape or form. 

My view is if it makes you comfortable going to the appointment feeling freshly preened down below and that’s the way you feel happy to attend the smear test, then do it. If you like to treat yourself to a piece of cake after as a well done do it. If you like to have your best matching sexy undies on to feel happy having a smear, do it.

Personally I learnt appearance is NOT of any importance twice in my life. 

Of course I won’t ever forget that day I lay on a bed staring at a screen during a 12 week scan maternity appointment as I was told my baby had no heartbeat and it appeared to have stopped growing a few weeks before. I remember completely how before that appointment I’d carefully done my makeup and painted my finger and toenails, making sure I looked just right for that special moment. Not once did I think about how I looked as I had to go upstairs to another ward and have an internal scan. I never considered how neat my bikini line was as my heart broke and I felt complete and utter emptiness inside. 

Then I always laugh when I remember back to my NCT days and all us expectant Mums were discussing bikini lines, painting our toenails, shaving our legs and all sorts for the birth. I had a pedicure done before the birth! 

Believe me when you’re going through labour and pushing a baby out there is no moment you think ‘oh I’m glad there’s no hair down there’, ‘ooh I’m glad I picked the coral over the pink’ whilst you lay stroking your super soft silky hair-free legs! 

The medical staff are there to ensure that baby is safely delivered into this world and you are kept alive and well. They don’t care how you look. 

When you attend your smear, the doctor or nurse is there to complete the appointment and carry out a short procedure to check you don’t have any abnormal cells suggestive of cervical cancer. They don’t care if you’ve got ‘perfect lips’, ‘hairy bits’ or look like an underwear model. 

Some truths and tips:

Depending on who you go and see you might feel slight discomfort when the nurse or doctor does the swab 

Ask for someone you feel comfortable with - whether that be a female instead of a male, or a certain nurse. I always ask for a certain nurse at my surgery as I know she’s very kind, patient and gentle and always makes me feel at ease (in fact my Mum recommended her for this very reason herself!)

You don’t need to be waxed or shaved downstairs, but if you feel better doing that then do it 

You’ll lie down on a bed behind a curtain on some tissue with your underwear removed 

They need to insert a metal instrument which can be cold - they’ll likely try to warm this a bit for you

The appointment lasts around five minutes 

If you remain relaxed you won’t be tense below and will likely not even feel much

They need to insert and slightly move around a swab (looks like a larger/longer cotton bud) to collect the sample 

As soon as they are done you’ll be able to pop your underwear back on

A considerate nurse or doctor will tell you they’ll pause if you feel uncomfortable and check you feel okay throughout 

If you’re like me you might feel more comfortable chatting to the nurse/doctor during the process to take your mind off things 

This is simply a five minute appointment which could potentially help save your life

So the next time you get that letter advising your smear test is due? Go. Book it. Attend that appointment. You, your family and your friends are surely all worth it? 

Festive fatty

Breastfeeding two babies, never sitting down for more than a few minutes, making note of what I’m eating and roughly monitoring calories, walking everywhere because I can’t drive, pushing a big tandem pram/buggy, stress. There were various reasons I believe the weight probably came off so quick after I had the twins.

I found myself at one of my lowest adult weights I could remember, people even commented to stop and don’t lose anymore. Although to be honest I was still aiming to drop a few more pounds. Or moreso tone up my tummy, work on my pelvic floor and strengthen my core to get my lower body strong and back in shape.

After I had twins I had a bad case of diastasis recti and this resulted in me getting NHS physio to help try rectify the damage done. The lady I saw was amazing and I’d go for regular sessions to be checked and given a set of Pilates style exercises to do a few times a week. When I could fit them in I could definitely feel and see my body getting stronger.

However, after being signed off as my 4cm ab gap had shrunk to about 2cm and there wasn’t anymore guidance they could give, I suddenly just couldn’t seem to find the time to fit my physio exercises in. The result? My tummy isn’t great again and as my other half always moans I’m always going for a wee!!

Despite this a week before Christmas I had lost over 2 stone since having my twins in February (so in about 8.5 months) and in actual fact 3.5 stone if you go by my weight 12 days before the twins were born.

And what did I do? What I always do when I start to feel happy with my weight...get off the wavelength and start indulging (this time for Christmas)...I now would need to lose around 8-9lbs to be back to the lowest I’d achieved.

Doable yes. The only problem is I’m still not ‘on the wavelength’, I am firmly in eat too much territory.

Given it’s now not great weather I’m not walking as much, the twins have now stopped breastfeeding totally (another post on that to follow another time) and I’m scoffing everything in sight, it’s not a great recipe for success.

Why do we do it to ourselves? I enjoyed Christmas don’t get me wrong - all the treats tasted great and amongst all the chaos of 3 under 3 it was fab fun enjoying lots of yummy food (and drink given I wasn’t pregnant this time!)

However I’m now in a January mope and not happy with how I’m starting to look and feel. And the worst bit is despite feeling this way, I’m still wanting to eat eat eat!

So send help!

Any idea how to get back on track?? Let me know. (No fad diets, pills, juices or plans though please!)

Some relief

This time last week I was being discharged from hospital after my op - the ERPC, surgical management or D&C - whatever you want to call it.

Thank goodness the op seems to be slowly bringing me back to me again and helping us try move forward from this hell we've been experiencing.

I was petrified when I found out I had to have the operation, especially after two lots of medical management (the tablets). 

As I tried to get my head round the idea I did try to tell myself this could be it, this could be the only way now to really stop the physical side and help me and my fiancé to move forward. 

Thank goodness, 1 week on and I feel like the op has been the answer. Yes I've still got a way to go in some aspects, but it seems to be doing what it should. 

Yes, I'm furious the hospital and NHS in general didn't support me more (although on op day they were great) and that if things had been clearer I could have had this op done weeks ago and skipped weeks of this nightmare (the physical side at least). 

For now though I'm thankful it seems to have worked. It's time to focus on me and my fiancé, attempting to get more 'normal' again and remembering our Little Seed and holding him/her in our hearts always and forever.

Another battle

Yesterday was my follow up scan.

It wasn't good news.

I now need to have the op (ERPC or was known as D&C). 

There is still an amount of tissue remaining and they also noticed a cyst on my left ovary (apparently that's nothing to worry about for now). 

I won't lie. I was devastated and shocked when the nurse doing the internal scan told me this news. 

I really needed yesterday to be positive and now it feels the last four weeks were a complete waste of time.

My Mum was with me and we spent around 5 hours at the hospital yesterday after my initial scan and then being triaged to wait for a doctor for next steps etc. 

Since 1st May, the day of our 12 week scan this has been my life. I just want to move forward with my fiancé and try to get back to being me and my life. I've been off work this whole time and will need longer again now I need the op.

I've never had an op of any sort and this situation has been the first time I've been in a hospital for myself in any detail.

They couldn't confirm a definite day or slot as we were in at the weekend so I now have to make sure I fast as of midnight and have nothing, not even water from 6am. I have to call first thing tomorrow to check if they have a slot for day surgery so I can have the op. The doctor seemed to think if not tomorrow then Tuesday afternoon.

I have a million and one thoughts going through my head right now. 

What if something goes wrong

What if it doesn't work

What if they damage something

What if I get told I can't have children

What if I have complications from this cyst 

What if I get DVT or similar (I'm already being paranoid today that my legs feel weird)

Will I get an infection from the op or in general from the remains inside me (baby would've died 8 weeks+ ago now within me)

And just general fears of going into hospital in general.

My parents and my fiancé have been so so supportive as always. I honestly couldn't ask for more. 

I've been reading the leaflet of what to take/do before to prep for the op.

I'm petrified of needles etc and yesterday after having an internal scan I then had to have a blood test, urine sample (so they could do a pregnancy test to check if the HCG hormone is still showing) and swabs for pre-op checks. I imagine there'll be more tomorrow.

It even feels weird having taken off all my nail polish on my toes and fingernails. 

I know for instance I'll be put to sleep and they do this through a needle in your hand. 

In the grand scheme of things it is day surgery and the op takes about 15-20 minutes. If no complications I should be out the same day. I'm sure to others who've had ops and more I sound a right wuss. But I can't stop thinking about it.

It all just seems so cruel. Not only did we have to find out on 1st May our first ever child, my first ever pregnancy, our baby together was not alive. Now I've had four weeks of these awful physical symptoms and emotional heartache and all over the place hormones. And even after getting through that it's still not the end and now I need an op and recovery and more getting through things. 

I really do wonder what we've done to deserve this. I can't help wondering why us. There are so many people I know who go through this, but there are so many people right now expecting babies and all is well. Why did our Little Seed have to be one of the statistics? 

Right now I know I need to be strong and focus on after the op and think positively that it will work and we will be able to move forward and my health will finally start to return to normal. 

The longer this goes on though the more I question how much stronger I can be

The journey continues

So, Saturday saw us return to our local hospital and the now well-known early pregnancy ward we are all too familiar with nowadays.

As I've blogged before, I am sure at some point I'll want a good rant and to blog about our experience with our local hospital and the NHS, but I will leave that to another day (each time we visit I have another hoard of bad things to list unfortunately).

This was our appointment for an internal scan to confirm if the medical management route had been successful. I had mixed thoughts already about this:

It may help us gain some form of closure
I would be devastated as it could confirm my baby was definitely and finally gone
I was worried they would say it hadn't worked and I needed an op
They would find some kind of problem like an infection or similar

As it turned out they did find a few things. They confirmed there were no remains of our baby (which for the last day or two I found has helped my emotions somewhat). However, there is still some 'items' internally which my body has not expelled for whatever reason! (The irony at how good my body is at holding on to things doesn't fail to frustrate and upset me daily after what has happened - often people say a miscarriage can happen if the body views it as a foreign item and tries to get rid of it).

At this point I was not offered an op as what is left is small - but of course needs to get out - I was told to either wait two weeks naturally and come back or to take the medical management tablets yet again. We went for the tablets to try speed things up, and after many hours at the hospital we then headed home to start the horrific experience we'd been through the fortnight before.

We also need to return to the hospital and that ward yet again in another 2 weeks to check everything is finally gone, if not they will have to consider 'other options'.

Thankfully this time round the pain - although awful - is not as bad and the other symptoms are nowhere near the same.

Each step of this is mixed, there is always a down if there is some form of up. I was starting to try and take some form of control on the situation (those who know me know I'm a control freak!) and so I can't control how quickly my body deals with this, I can't control the emotions (a great example of this is the manic laughing-crying-laughing situations that have occurred at times with my partner). However, I could control my food intake and trying to get back in shape (I had put on a lot from the first week or more of gorging on bad food, not much sleep and lying in bed at home). I'm determined to stick to my healthy eating as surely that should help both physically and emotionally. Yet again though, the down, I'd forced myself to try the gym towards the end of last week in a bid to try become a bit more 'normal' and 'me' again. Not allowed, the hospitals have told me I'm not to go to the gym, the most I should try is walking outside and I need to rest.

I must admit that knocked me as it was something I was doing to try gain back control and feel better. There seems to be this constant clash between your emotions and physical side being mismatched.

Since blogging and sharing - as I spoke about last time - I have found some more people have got in touch with similar experiences and I've also discovered yet more people through people I know who've been through miscarriage. It saddens me how many people go through this and how little it's talked about. That's why it's so nice for me to get comfort from others and to hear from other people too now who are going through or had similar experiences.

I did manage to (eventually) make a family party for our nephew's 1st birthday yesterday and spent time around more than a couple of people and non-family members (a first so far) and I was around babies and children.

So the appointment was not the closure we'd hoped for and the journey still continues, I had a bad night last night and today my energy levels are pretty low and I have some pain. But no tears yet today, so I'll take that for now.

Having a (Nutri) Blast!

This year something has changed, something which is impacting on my skin, my exercise routines and my energy levels.

It is a new arrival in our kitchen.

And I am obsessed with it.

A NutriBullet.

My fiancé asked for the machine for Christmas and after a bit of exchanging (the first one was damaged) he had one of the popular food extractors (fancy blender/juicer).

I’ll be honest I wasn’t too fussed about getting one (particularly as we’ve already got a standard blender we bought when moving in and still haven’t used) and we were given a hand blender as one of our joint gifts at Christmas.

I thought this is another one of those dieting fads. ‘But look how fast it blitzes everything up’, ‘watch the video of how little waste there is’, ‘see how you get all the nutrients direct, it’s so good for you’. And so on.

Cut to now, I am addicted to this little black machine. I look forward to thinking up juices to make and in particular pushing down the cup to initiate the blades. I am like a big kid.

And it really does blend items so quickly and so well!

The biggest thing though? I’m still at this point unsure if it’s a psychological thing, but I feel great for it. I really feel like my energy has been boosted and my skin is clearer. It could be coincidence but the eczema I often get hasn’t appeared either.

I’m also finding when working out I seem to push myself more and I genuinely find coming home to a juice is something to look forward to, not a chore.

As someone who doesn’t regularly eat a lot of fruit easily, I’m also finding the NutriBullet a great way to incorporate more fruit and vegetables into my diet.

Typically on a weekend I don’t really have fruit, when I do during the week it’s as a healthy snack for the afternoon at work and usually the same types.

Now as well as my afternoon fruit snack and my vegetables with my dinner, I’m then getting a huge boost of fruit and veg from the NutriBlast I make.

We’ve tried a few that are supposed to have particular health benefits and are now trying to mix up our own recipes too. There are so many options though and I am constantly coming across recipe ideas online.

Plus I even – yes this is how obsessed I am getting – Tweeted the NutriBullet account for recipe ideas last week.

At first buying all these fruit and vegetables concerned me since it doesn’t come cheap (along with various nuts and seeds), but we’ve had so many juices out of it that it actually balances out.

I appreciate at this point you wonder if I am being paid by the company and am doing some sort of unofficial ad! Honestly, I’m not, but I’ve been so pleased with how I feel from having these juices I thought it was worth sharing.

I’m not using it as a meal replacement right now, I’ve been able to keep within my recommended calorie intake to lose weight and still have a juice. However, I am considering trying one of the actual juice/detox plans as a boost.

The next thing now is to add some colour, we’ve been following the general guidance of 50% greens, 50% fruit, top up with water and add seeds/nuts if you wish. However, every juice so far has been green so think we might need to start getting a bit more inventive soon!

Jillian Michaels: Maximise Your Life

Slashing all the tyres. An analogy that has really struck me.

Recently myself and my fiancé attended a motivational talk. The talk was given by American personal trainer Jillian Michaels.

Yes, the Jillian Michaels who is behind the 30 Day Shred, the workout DVD I have obsessed over, over the years! (She even jokes herself in the UK she’s known as ‘the Shred lady’).

Admittedly I’ve never really been to a coaching session like this before and I really enjoyed it. As cheesy and cliché you may imagine it to be, it was actually pretty useful and inspiring.

On her Maximise Your Life tour, the no-mess trainer covers diet, exercise and general approaches to life.

I love her no nonsense way of talking. She admits herself she can’t share a miracle cure to lose weight and that all the information and fitness basics you’ve heard before are all she can share too.

When people ask questions and make excuses she stops them in their tracks and makes them take responsibility.

I guess this is what’s behind her success.

But back to those tyres.

One of the things Jillian referred to are the air soufflé and dust dieters. This is typically me. These people are super strict and don’t eat much at all during the week and are tough on themselves. Then on the weekend they blow out on a ton of junk.

She then uses the analogy of slashing the tyres. How people take the view that when they are having a ‘bad’ day and have eaten something not so good for them or haven’t exercised that they should just go full throttle and then eat unhealthily the whole of that day as a result.

This is so me. ‘Oh well I’m eating out tonight, or I’ve had a chocolate bar I might as well pig out now and go mad’.

Jillian says this is like your car getting a flat tyre and you jumping out and slashing the other three.

How true is this for a lot of us ladies on diets I imagine?

The good thing is that now being aware of this and the useful analogy sticking in my head I’m more careful of taking this approach.

Case in point, yesterday, I knew I was having a ‘cheat’ meal for dinner. Normally I would have written off the entire day and eaten badly and had a ‘day off’ from exercise. Instead I ate healthily all day and went for a workout to help compensate for all the additional calories I’d be consuming.

Now, don’t get me wrong I’m sure this won’t always be the case, but I feel even if that’s all I take away from the session then it was worth it!

Remembering forgetting

As a keen reader I’ve started as I mean to go on and three weeks into the year I’ve nearly finished reading my third book.

This fictional piece is a dark tale about a female victim of a stalker, not the happiest of reads. It is similar to the likes of Gone Girl though and so I’m interested to see how it ends now.

However, my prior two books – fiction again – have been a bit more thought provoking. They again were hard to read – not because they are dark, but because both cover difficult topics.

One, The Last Days of Rabbit Hayes follows the journey of an middle aged woman who is dying from cancer and her last week with her family and friends, looking back on her life (not as morbid as it may sound!) The other Elizabeth Is Missing introduces the reader to Maud, an old lady who suffers from dementia.

Both have touched me, as you’d imagine the first really helps you put things in perspective and value life and how short it is, the second was at times painful as it brought back memories of one of my relatives.

One of my grandparents, my Mum’s mother, known to me as Nanny Rhoda, had Alzheimer’s Disease and the wonderful way Elizabeth is Missing is written it almost made me feel I could peek into how her mind must have been running.

I know of other different relatives who were struck with this cruel illness and also relatives of friends.

Of course no illness is nice to have and if someone is deteriorating or dying it’s horrendous for their loved ones, but there’s something about losing the person in front of you whilst they are still alive that hits so hard.

It’s interesting the different ways it impacts individuals too, some people forget their nearest and dearest, others turn violent, most people seem to revert back to their past.

And what is the right way to deal with it? Should you play along with the person who thinks they’re a little girl again or are living somewhere where they grew up? Or should you correct them and explain who everyone is and where they are now?

I often wonder if they will ever find a way to cure people with the illness or do we just have to accept that for some that traumatic and confusing journey is a fact of life that’s just going to happen?

Why is it some people get it and others don’t?

I guess I’ve also been thinking about it more of late since a relative sadly passed away at the start of this year. He was actually my grandmother’s brother and Alzheimer’s really hit him hard. It seems people get so bad you end up feeling that passing on is in actual fact a blessing as they’re not really themselves and don’t have a good life anymore. I know some have said they felt they said their goodbyes to the person way before they died as they weren’t themselves for so long.

It seems often in hindsight that people have displayed signs for quite some time – I can remember Nanny Rhoda forgetting people’s names and we in fact used to tease her, it would be a running joke. Now looking back you feel awful as that was probably in fact the warning signs it started.
In the book Maud has carers come to visit and she has a pile of notes to remind her to eat/not eat/not leave the house etc. It again reminded me of Nanny Rhoda, when she started to get bad and was still living at home along, miles from where the rest of us live. She’d forget to eat but tell the carers she had eaten, as she simply couldn’t remember.

Unfortunately she had to go into a care home, I can remember visiting her there and it was hard I won’t lie. Christmas mornings would be standing in the care home amongst other people, trying to be festive and cheerful. We tried having days where she’d come out for family gatherings, but again she would get so worked up (where she was used to the care home routine) it was kinder to stop.

I often remember – and still have – a photo album I made for her. A memory book of sorts which had labelled photos of who was who to help remind her and prompt her thinking. On the board by the dining room it would say what meals the residents had eaten and whenever you asked Nanny Rhoda what she’d have it’d be some made up meal and not really what she’d experienced. She just couldn’t remember.

Imagine, imagine every day waking up and within minutes forgetting what’s going on, where you are, why you are there? Thinking things that happened to you years back only just happened and having to relive certain traumatic times too I imagine.

I’m pretty forgetful now and I admit at times I do start to worry, maybe I will take the same path. It is such a painful illness to go through when it affects your loved one, but if you yourself have Alzheimer’s or a form of dementia how completely confusing or frightening must your life become?

What a cruel way to have to live.

I don’t have any grandparents left now, my first Granddad passed away when I was at secondary school, the second when I was still relatively young, my first Grandma when I was at University and Nanny Rhoda who I’ve referred to since I’ve been older.

So if you’ve still got your grandparents cherish them and make the most of them. I admit I get very envious of friends who talk about their grandparents, it feels I’ve not had any for so long now. You won’t believe how much you take them for granted until they’re no longer here, or if they are here but are not who they used to be. It’s not nice.

I apologise if this post is somewhat depressing and morbid to read. I guess reading these books and recent conversations has bought a lot to the surface and ironically made me remember things.

For now I guess it’s sad but true, we just have to accept this illness is here and pretty common, so in the meantime I’m going to try do something about it. I’ve already started researching, but I think this year I’m going to try take part in some sort of event – maybe the Alzheimer’s Society Memory Walk – watch this space.

Tired of my weight

10 days into January and 10 days into my diet and exercise. Well, sort of.

I've been strict for 8 of the 10 days. To be fair the two days I didn't exercise and ate badly were days planned by others so I had no choice (well that's my excuse anyway!) 

In 10 days I've been to two spinning classes and done my workout DVD three times. 

Rushing to get ready for the gym this morning I completely forgot to weigh myself to judge progress.

I definitely feel less bloated, but sadly still feel quite big and my clothes are tight. I'm hoping being strict for the next 10 days in a row will help. 

Let's be honest two evenings of alcohol and Mexican food isn't exactly going to help my waistline!

One thing I am pleased about is my love for spinning definitely seems to have come back. I'm loving the new dedicated spin studio in our gym.

Although I've missed the usual Saturday instructor, both classes have had cover teachers so I've really enjoyed trying something fresh and new. 

I'm exhausted though, combining the first week back at work with exercise and consuming less calories hasn't been ideal.

Most days I'm struggling to keep my eyes open! 

I won't lie the two days break eating Mexican style tapas food and alcohol was very welcomed and I enjoyed it at the time. 

However, it's funny how you start to adapt to health again. After two days I was longing to eat more healthily and on buying cupcakes for my team at work yesterday I even stayed away. Whilst they tucked into the sweet delights, I snacked on my grapes! And I wasn't envious. 

Even today making a reduced fat cheese omelette for lunch when I got in from the gym, I really enjoyed it! 

We plan to go see a scary film this evening too, so maybe that might even help burn a few calories (I'm a complete wuss and jump at everything!) 

In the meantime I'm relaxing on my sofa and as sad as it is I'm seriously considering an afternoon nap to give me a boost. After my initial exercise high earlier I definitely need some form of boost before tonight.

Admittedly I've not done any of the chores I planned today, but if I'm honest I'm not getting too worked up, after doing my 60 minutes' worth of spinning earlier I would even maybe say I've earnt it! 

Time to get back on the fitness wagon

A new year and I thought it was about time I get back on this blog. I know I know, I always say that and don’t worry I’m not going to start claiming my new year resolution is to blog more.

I am, however, going to be extremely stereotypical and announce how the Christmas break is over (well it is for me as I was back at work today) and that I am now aiming to get in shape. Bore. Yawn. I know I know could I be more cliché ‘new year, new me’ and all that…

However, after the vast amounts of food and drink consumed this past fortnight, something needed to be done. Well, I say past 2 weeks, what I really mean is since we moved into our house – takeaways galore and very little exercise for 3 months…

I reached that well known point we all get to after the festive indulgence, I was actually craving healthy food.

As a brand new year started yesterday I jumped on the scales when I eventually got up (after a rather late and drunken New Year’s Eve party) to survey the damage. I have to admit it wasn’t good, but it was definitely a lot better than anticipated.

Just over 7lbs put on in 3 months, bearing in mind I’ve eaten healthily for a few days out of that and only went to the gym once I’m relieved it wasn’t a lot more. I certainly feel like I’ve gained about 2 stone!!

I’m bridesmaid to one of my oldest and best friends this year too and we’re going to a wedding show at the end of the month so I really need to try and shift some of this excess fat before then – right now I don’t think any form of dress would suit me!

I have to admit (it is in all likelihood simply post-Christmas effect only and will be short-lived) I felt great yesterday. Although I was a tad hungover (mostly tired), I had healthy food and was only just over my suggested calorie allowance.

Fish, vegetables and sweet potato for dinner with a glass of water really did feel great! No fat, no booze, no junk. Lovely!

I’ve also stocked up on some more fruit and veg and low fat goodies so I plan to try and stick to this for as long as I can now.

I’d suggested a Dry January again like I did previously, however the social calendar is already against me – a team drinks thing next Wednesday and ballet (and no doubt a meal and drinks) on the Thursday! Therefore, my plan is instead to not drink alcohol unless it’s for a social occasion, I think that’s fair enough and a tad more realistic.

I’m also hoping to go to my first spinning class of 2015 tomorrow morning too to get myself back into it. I’ve already looked up the studio timetable for my gym so I can start planning visits too. I will shed this weight and more if it kills me.

A friend of mine has been dieting and exercising for a good few months now and she’s done so well she’s really inspired me. I can’t wait to be rid of this tired and bloated feeling – and also start enjoying looking good in clothes again and not wearing what’s comfortable or what I don’t look too fat in!

One, nearly two days down, and many more to go…

Christmas Coughing

Last year I kept getting colds - I do seem prone to catching them with my asthma. As a result I delayed getting my flu jab, again something my Doctors always get me to have due to me having asthma.

Despite having a cold (which I'd been told before wasn't ideal for having the vaccination) the doctor told me it was fine and proceeded to give me both a flu and pneumonia jab.

I was really ill last year and had a whooping style cough and had to have lots of time off as I was so sick.

So far this year I haven't had my flu jab and have been considering not having it this winter season. Someone I know who is also asthmatic told me she's always been told the flu jab isn't good for you if you have asthma!

So what is right?

Well, my fiancé was ill all last week with a bad cough, throat etc and I kept feeling like I was getting it and then I was fine.

However, lo and behold I've now caught it. 

We had a great but busy weekend and my voice started to go on Saturday night, I thought from too much alcohol and the late night to be honest. 

I then woke up Sunday with a killer of a hangover and couldn't really speak. 

Again, I put it all down to the late nights and struggled through the day. We had my fiancé's parents round and were taking them out for a thank you meal. By the time we got home my voice was a squeak again.

Now I'm on my second day of resting and dosing up at home. It's my last week at work for the year so it's rubbish timing and of course it's the festive season so I had social plans lined up last night and tonight which are now messed up.

Thursday is our work Christmas party too.

As you can imagine I'm not a happy bunny.

I'm also praying now that I've not got what others have had, as people are telling me they've had it for three weeks!

Hosting Christmas Day and a nice two weeks off planned does not combine well with being ill. I'll be fuming if I'm ill now until the end of the year! 

Keeping everything crossed it shifts soon. 

As nice as it is lying in bed and on my sofa watching daytime TV, the novelty soon wears off! And coughing every time I speak or laugh or pretty much move is not exactly making me smile either! 

So what are your thoughts on the flu jab?  Good or bad? Do I get it when I'm better or try a winter without and see how I fare?

Boozing with a bump

There has been a lot of talk in the news the last few days about women who drink when pregnant.
The debate has been sparked after a court case whereby a baby was born disabled, following her mother excessively drinking whilst she was carrying the child. Whilst pregnant at 17 the female drank vodka and beer to extremes and now the judges are being asked to offer the child compensation and overall for women who drink when pregnant to be made illegal.

So what do you think?

I’ve not had a child or been pregnant in my life so far and it has to be said I do enjoy having a good drink – whether a nice wine with dinner or a more heavy night out with friends drinking and dancing.

However, I really do think I would be Little Miss Paranoid if I were ever pregnant and would watch what I ate and moreso drank like a hawk. I would hate to think anything I’d have done would in any way harm that baby.

Never having been pregnant I don’t feel I can really judge, but on my views as they are, I can’t imagine you’d want to drink when expecting or do anything that could be bad for that unborn child. Let alone need a legal system to be put in place to stop you.

Whether women should be arrested that do drink when pregnant is another case in point. After all there are no set rules to parenting, people choose to bring up their children as they feel best – to some this could be seen as wrong, but to others the right way.

I know some Mums-to-be who have had the odd glass of wine or even Guinness (the iron is said to be good apparently). However, I don’t know of any who went out binge drinking!

The same goes for smoking, again why would you risk harming your unborn child?

Looking online at some of the articles talking about how the alcohol can impact a baby’s growth and wellbeing I can’t imagine anyone even considering binge drinking, but then again people smoke despite horrendous images on the packs and similar. People know the risks but choose to ignore it. That said, harming yourself is one thing, an innocent life is entirely different in my view.

I do feel making this a legal issue and arresting those drinking when pregnant seems a tad extreme and it also saddens me that there are people in this country who have behaved in such a way to even cause this debate to come to light.

We don’t want to make it so that everybody’s every move is under constant scrutiny, but I do agree that if a case is found where a child has been born with a condition and it can be proved to be the result of the mother drinking excessively or smoking then some form of action should be taken.

I don’t think it works going up to anyone you see with a bump drinking something alcoholic and arresting them there and then with no context though.

Really it seems to come down to a lifestyle choice – guidance to us for all issues changes constantly – you shouldn’t drink this, you should eat this, you should have more of this but less of that and so forth. Would some argue exercising too vigorously during pregnancy is also a form of neglect and as I’ve heard others ask – where does that leave abortion too? How far do you go?

I’d be interested to see what any expectant Mums think or those who have had children already.

And what about those that drink before realising they are pregnant, when you are not knowingly doing harm to your baby? I know a few people that has happened to, my Mum included and I turned out okay (well I think I did…)

Weight loss worries

This morning I've woken up and I'm feeling a little disheartened if I'm honest. This is a theme that's been present most of this week so I've been trying to tell myself to 'stop moping and just get on with it'.

As I do each week I woke up this morning to weigh myself for my weekly weigh in. Most Saturdays, plans permitting, I also get ready to go to a spin class at my local gym.

Today I've woken up super achey from last nights cardio workout. Great, I thought, I must've worked hard if I'm feeling like this. Admittedly that also made me hopeful for something positive on the scales.

I already was a bit disappointed as I really am too achey to go spinning and I've been reminded by people before to let my body rest and recovery is important too.

Anyway off I hop onto the scales. What do I see? I've put on. Yes super minimal 0.4 of a pound, but as I typically round my weight up when logging on the likes of MyFitnessPal it effectively says I've put on 1lb. 

There are two schools of thought here, some people say 1lb is nothing and not to worry if you put it on. Others show images of just how much a pound of fat is to illustrate just how much fat you've lost when you lose 1lb. So who is right?

If I don't weigh myself weekly, something others have suggested, I lose the feeling of accountability and tend to find I get lax and don't feel a sense of achievement or progress.

I've felt the last few weeks my body feels heavy and bloated and normally when I've exercised I do feel lighter. I'm not feeling that lately (and in fact have been worrying now I'm in my 30s that maybe I'm experiencing that as-you-grow-older problem people talk about where your body just clings to fat). Who knows.

So I'd purposely started to mix it up this week. In fact, including last Thursday I've made seven gym visits. That's seven times over ten days. That to me is pretty good. 

Of those seven, three have been spinning, 45/50 minute classes. The other four have been cardio. 

Each of those cardio I've tried to mix up, different machines, sometimes using weights, trying different modules on machines, different orders of using machines and times/levels. I've been feeling it each time and aching the next day most times and sweating non stop during the sessions.

Typically my fitness 'week' starts on a Saturday so if you look at it that way I've exercised five days out of seven. Two rest days. 

The only 'cheat' day I've had was on Wednesday for my Mum's birthday when we ate and drank out. 

And so after actively watching what I eat (bar one day) and made a conscious effort to push myself in exercise, I just don't understand why my weight loss is not showing an impact. 

My fiancé feels I'm stressed out and worked up about certain things (primarily our house buying/flat selling fiasco that feels like it's pretty much taken up our year and has been ongoing since March). He thinks maybe our bodies are just exhausted from it all and not working as optimally as they would typically. 

When I went through a really stressful time last year - and didn't resort to my typical comfort eating approach - I really dropped in weight (and in turn reached my lowest). I therefore don't understand why this tricky time my body is reacting differently? 

I thought why not post on social media and blog about it, in a bid to see if anyone out there has tips and can advise. 

I'm not at my ideal weight or at my lowest, I'm currently 10lbs heavier than the lowest I've preciously managed to achieve. 

As you can probably tell I truly am baffled and a tad fed up. So it's over to you. 

Please comment away and tell me what you think or what you've found works for you. I'm at a total loss and unfortunately it's not weight loss! 

My 'progress' over the last 6 months (the yellow line is the 'trend line', the average/underlying weight taking out fluctuations).