Somewhere in between

Anyone who’s joined NCT or similar as an expectant Mum or Dad and made friends with a group of previously complete strangers will understand parenting cliques, groups, ‘Mumfriends’, whatever you want to label them.  

The whole appeal and why it works (provided you get a good group) is because you’re all on the same journey. You’re going through the pregnancy at the same time, from similar areas, you share birth stories and are all awake at the same times so can provide support when otherwise you may feel quite alone.

People talk about how important it is to get out and about when you become a parent and I totally support this. When I had my first I was always out and thrived on fresh air, exercise from walking about with my pram or making friends for my baby and me at multiple groups I’d attend. 

You are on maternity/paternity leave and become an all singing and dancing member of the ‘First time parent’ group.

Some people don’t feel comfortable going to some of these ‘Mum & Baby’ groups or themed sessions based around music, play, storytelling or similar. I though for one would’ve been totally lost without mine. 

Then, if and when you go on to have that next pregnancy and baby you become part of another group - ‘parents with more than one’.

If you decide to not return to work you belong to the ‘stay at home parent’ group, go back and you’re a ‘working parent’ group member. 

Those people who become pregnant and go on and to have multiples - twins, triplets (or more!!!) gain their badge for the ‘multiples parents’ group.

Whatever group you’re in you make strong bonds based on your common ground. 

Your baby is doing yellow poos like someone else’s 

You’re both struggling to get out on time with your newborn and firstborn 

You’re both feeling guilty for not working/going to work 

And so on and so forth..

What though if you have a baby and then fall pregnant again with more than one?

You know what happens? You kind of don’t quite belong in any particular group anymore. 

You were with your first time Mum group and you were all sharing tales of how cheeky and naughty your kids are becoming. Then you got pregnant and so do others and you start to share how tough it is carrying a toddler whilst waddling with a bump. Then you find out there’s more than one baby, oh that’s a bit different. So you move into a multiples group, but then they mostly experience multiples, not really multiples and a toddler! 

It gets harder to find common ground, it gets harder to get out and about. You have to start to ask for help more. Things are just not so easy to arrange or get done anymore. And who totally and utterly gets what you’re situation is like? 

Not many people really. 

I saw an article a few months back that really struck a chord from somebody talking about having twins and another child. This isn’t a pity post or cry for help, I just felt like being totally honest and just putting it out there for once what it can be like. 

It can be hard. But you don’t want to bore on about how hard it is because you don’t want others to tire of you and 
your whining. You don’t want to look ungrateful for the blessings you’ve been given. 

You end up not seeing people as much, not being able to keep in contact so much, not doing as much, maybe coming across as a bad friend or like you don’t care/can’t be bothered anymore. Please hear me when I stress this so isn’t the case, when you become a Mum to 3 all so young and close in age life just becomes mental! Serious chaos. You never know who or what to sort next! 

You constantly juggle having so many to look after, asking for help without wanting to put on people, having to admit just how much help you might truly need, and then of course Mum guilt - which all Mums get regardless of how many/how old/their situation! 

So yeah, thank you to everyone who always tells me what a great job I’m doing. I’m not, I’m just being a Mum like any Mum does, putting my kids first and doing what needs to be done. 

Like any Mum, I love my children with all my heart and soul and would do anything for them. Like any Mum at times they drive me round the twist and I shout, I scream, I cry, I question my situation, my decisions, my capabilities. 

I guess reading that I am really just that ‘any Mum’, no set group to belong to, but then aren’t we all just the same deep down anyway?

Doctor dilemmas

The last couple of weeks I’ve had to use the healthcare system for my children and I’ve had very different experiences.

So much so, that I felt I wanted to share my thoughts and opinions on here with others.

All 3 of my children have needed to be seen for various reasons – I should add they’re all okay (or at least that seems the case for now) – I’ve used my local doctors surgery, a ‘hub’ service, called 111 for the first time and a walk-in specialist clinic at our local hospital.

I won’t go into details as to why my children have had to visit, but for those who don’t know, my eldest turned 3 in May and my twins will soon turn 18 months of age.

With my twin boy there was something that’s been concerning me and my fiancé for a while that we wanted checked out as it didn’t seem advisable to just leave it. I used to always take our firstborn to the doctors with my other half because he’d keep calm and I’d get in a flap, but with shift work, unpredictable appointments and having three little ones now I have to 'man up' and just do what needs to be done myself.

Admittedly I was at the doctors quite a lot in Olivia’s first year, she was my first born – my precious rainbow baby – so I probably went a few times more than needed (like most first time parents I imagine!) Those Mums out there will know the looks and the tones you sometimes get as a first time Mum (FTM) and although I get it as some of the worries probably are totally unfounded and laughable, it doesn’t help to treat the mother that way. However, now a Mum of three aged 3 and under I don’t really feel I fall into that category and seriously don’t have time to be going to the doctor – especially multiple times – if I can help it! If I’m there it’s because something is not right and is definitely different or wrong with my child or me.

I took Callum to the doctor (I should add an experienced doctor and one who has seemed relatively helpful previously) and had him seen initially about his eczema. Of course the rule of 1 issue 1 appointment and an allocated 5 minutes per appointment was in the back of my mind when I brought up my 2^nd concern, but as I was sat there with a 17 month old infant I felt I’d be listened to.

I was, sort of, interrupted a few times and a quick light shine into my son’s eyes and I was told he was fine and the reason why he was showing certain behaviours (when I pushed for a reason) was simply ‘everyone’s different’.

A few days later I realised I wasn’t happy about the response and vague and hurried check and I rang to book another appointment. Our doctors like to have a phone appointment first and then leave a prescription or book to see you after if they feel necessary. This day I had the call and the doctor (the same one I should add) asked us to come in that same afternoon within the next 30 minutes. Great! I was being taken seriously…or so I thought.

After being kept waiting over 15-20 minutes after rushing there from the local park as the appointment timing was unexpected to say the least, we were called in and the same vague check was done. My partner was with me and pushed a bit more so another hurried check was done and my son was presumed fine and after pushing some more we were told perhaps we should visit an opticians and then we were pretty much encouraged out the door…Not before some of my comments and concerns were near enough laughed at.

A day or two later on trying to book a children’s appointment I was in fact informed that under 5 years of age a child should be referred to a specialist clinic/hospital by a doctor as they have the specialised equipment a child so young needs.  So another (pretty tense  by now) call to the surgery and later on another call with the same doctor left me being told a referral was not going to happen as it’d take forever for us to be seen (20 weeks+) and we’re best to go to an A&E in an East London specialist hospital or (again after pushing) a walk in clinic at our local hospital during certain times.

We did attend this local hospital walk in clinic and they were pretty good – a doctor didn’t see us that day, but a quick sit down with the Sister and some questions asked we were told we’d be referred to a paediatric clinic and we’d receive a letter ‘soon’. Our concerns weren’t mocked in any way and rather we were reassured. And do you know what a few days later a referral letter came and we’ve got an appointment in about 3 weeks’ time! Again, the staff member said our doctor could have saved us a visit by simply referring us as he’s meant to.

It’s actually making me laugh writing this as I’ve realised how much we’ve used the health service the last few weeks as I’ve also used an out of hours hub service and 111 for my twin girl regarding a rash she had – they were pretty good to be fair bar the agonising waiting in a queue and being constantly cut off by one and then the robotic question asking by the other when the answers were already clear by what I’d said in my initial intro on the call. Still, I am immensely grateful to even have such services – and free of charge – so believe me this is not going to turn into an NHS bashing post – far from it!

In fact the most recent visit – with a different doctor – one I’ve never seen before in fact at our surgery, totally blew me away and has left me singing her praises still days after our experience.

I’d got two appointments half an hour apart (one for each daughter) and immediately she made me and my children feel at ease. My twin girl was walking up and down the treatment room and dancing, playing with the doctors shoes and waving, she was one happy bunny! Then I hesitantly explained to the doctor about my other daughter’s appointment and as she’s very aware I was unsure how to discuss the issue with her about and in turn was doubtful of her cooperation since she’s well and truly going through the ‘threenager’ stage right now!

That doctor used her initiative and her skills and didn’t cut me off, rush me out or tell me I’d have to wait for said appointment. She came out to reception with me to meet my daughter and did various ‘tricks’ and games in order to observe her and make her checks. She reassured me, made my daughter happy and in fact now keen to go back to the doctors! To give you an idea what this doctor was like, after being bossed around to do certain actions by Olivia, she came skipping and twirling into reception with her to meet Callum because he was the only one she hadn’t met yet and she didn’t want him left out! She gave me an idea of timings, is calling me in the next couple of days if there is anything unsure and to put any anxiety at ease and explained to me various outcomes and what to expect. She's even said if nothing comes about in the next 2 weeks (it involves another referral) then we should call her.

Totally polar opposite experiences, without a doubt.

So, to the latest doctor – thank you. Thank you for not making me feel like an inconvenience to you or rushing me along. Thank you for showing a real interest in my children and trying to make their experience as fun and stress-free as possible, taking me seriously, helping to ease my worries and adapting to the situation as needed.

To others in healthcare who deal with mothers and their children. I know you’re stretched, tired and put on by those above and a severely over-worked, under-appreciated system and at times probably face an often rude and on occasion unfriendly and even abusive public. You must have no end of deadlines, targets and goodness knows what other unrealistic goals to work to. However, please don’t forget the reason you got into the profession and what you mean to those people who come to visit you with genuine concerns and young little lives they are responsible for and would do anything for.

Just taking that extra minute or two, being a bit more flexible with the rulebook or  being creative with your approach and tailoring it can make a world of difference to a child and in turn their parent/carer. It really does matter.

Living funerals - good idea or dead against?

I’m sitting here with a debate show on the television in the background and they’re talking about a ‘Living Funeral’.

The idea is that people hold a funeral of sorts whilst alive so they can hear all the positive thoughts their friends and family have of them. 

Er, that’s not a funeral then, right?

A funeral is when a loved one passes away.

When you’re grieving, to mark a person’s life. 

Is this another example of how crazy our world has become? How people love nothing better than a good ego boost? 

One thing I can understand is that if someone was terminal and they wanted to get everyone together to have a gathering of some sort to see everyone before the inevitable happens. 

However, as others said on the show (Jeremy Vine on channel 5, yes I am getting old!) surely you should say all these things to them whilst they are still here?! 

Are we really that busy now that we don’t even make time to appreciate those around us and tell them what they mean to us? 

Is it more important to look picture perfect online and keep busy yourself than to think of others around you? 

Understandably everyone is different and not all of us find it so easy to be open with our thoughts and feelings. Surely though they’d find it hard to say things at any point then whether the person was here or not? 

In my mind I’m all for people who are seriously ill doing whatever is on their ‘bucket list’ and if a gathering would mean something to them, so be it. 

However, someone who isn’t ill who simply just wants to hear how much everyone loves them? I’m sorry but I’m not a fan, it’s simply fishing for compliments surely? 

What do you think? Would you have one of these funerals if they become a trend? 

The constant battle

You can’t wait to be a Mum and hold that baby in your arms

You miss that big round bump and feeling that life move inside your tummy

You can’t wait to see them crawling around and able to explore some more 

You miss how cute and dependent they were when they ‘just laid there’

You can’t wait to get some sleep and not be waking throughout the night to feed

You miss those little lips on you, that hand stroking your chest, those eyes gazing up

You can’t wait to see those little chubby legs walking around like others, what’s taking so long 

You miss the little baby who wanted to hold on and bounced around on your lap

You can’t wait for them to use that baby cutlery and make less mess

You miss putting that tiny spoon in their little mouth and no shouts or gestures of ‘I do it’

You can’t wait for those first words and to know what it is they need

You miss the little gurgles and raspberry blowing 

You can’t wait to be able to put them down and not have a constant clinging shadow 

You miss the cuddles and snuggles reading or simply dozing on you 

You can’t wait for them to start preschool or nursery, to get some time to ‘get things done’

You miss the noise, laughter and time together, it feels too quiet 

You can’t wait to have more time as they grow and learn

You miss that little baby and see how quick they’ve become this child

You can’t wait to not have to change so many nappies, tidy so many toys, be constantly interrupted 

You miss them needing you, the bright colours and those funny tales 

You can’t wait, you want it now, constantly comparing and looking ahead, until you get it, then

You miss the little one so tiny and needy who saw you as their all and needed you for everything. You realise how fast those days, weeks, months and years fly by 

And you wish you’d just lived it all and enjoyed each stage there and then, instead of looking ahead and wondering when

Social media memes - meaningful messaging or modern day stirring spoon?

I recently saw a meme on social media to focus on your family and home life and enjoy them and stop worrying so much about keeping the house so clean and tidy. This really struck a chord with me as it’s something I’m always battling with.

Being a Mum to three children aged 3 years and under I’m often distracted from my never ending To Do list or constant attempts to have a conversation. 

I often see these posts and find them a useful tool to help me refocus. 

Funnily enough I was recently angrily buffing away smears and marks from our TV screen and unit for the 6th time since I’d cleaned the day before and I stopped. Imagine if my children were no longer here - whether something happened to them or simply they’d grown up - how would I feel then? I’d give anything to see those sticky little handprints wouldn’t I? 

Are these posts always truly helpful though? 

To some seeing these types of memes shared can cause issues. Sometimes people can see the posts as a ‘dig’ at them or a cryptic way to ruffle their feathers. 

Often the people sharing these types of memes about ‘life’s too short’, ‘put family first’ and the like are actually the ones who perhaps need a reminder how to treat others themselves. This can really grate.

Like other aspects of these various platforms I suppose it all depends on how it’s carried out. It’s another example of 
how social media can be misused and people can place too much of an importance on their worth.  

To me I mostly find them a positive tool. I’m always caught up in the chaos that is our household and I tend to see these posts when the children aren’t about - typically when they’re asleep - and it gives me a chance to stop for a minute and think. 

I’ve actually taken note of another post I saw recently about refuelling cars/charging batteries and how you need to do the same yourself. So I’ve set aside the cleaning and chores whilst my eldest is at preschool and I’m doing things for me - having a cup of tea on the sofa and writing my blog which I’ve not had time for. 

So what’s my message? Just stop. Every so often remember to press that reset button. Clear your head. Untangle yourself from being caught up in that To Do list. 

Whether that’s via a post it note, a phone app reminder or seeing a shared meme on social media so be it. 

Remind yourself what’s really important.