So I had a couple of conversations yesterday where my blog came up and it reminded me that actually I haven't really written on here in a while. Clicking on the link now I've seen just how long it's been. Wow.
It feels time to change that. How regularly I'll post, realistically, and what about, who knows. For now, this is a start!
Times have changed for me a lot since my last posts - the biggest change (as my hypnobirthing and breastfeeding posts show) is I'm now a Mummy.
And after today I'm officially a full time Mummy.
Yesterday I travelled into London and said goodbye to the digital corporate communications agency I've been employed by for the last nearly 6 years.
Typically, our daughter being looked after by grandparents and my other half already in work on an early shift (so bed and house to myself) I'm wide awake and have been since 6am! Of course I'm sure the alcohol in my bloodstream has nothing to do with this either...
At times when work is stressful and you imagine being a 'lady of leisure' (ha who am I kidding, Mum life is far from easy!) you can only picture smiles and feelings of happiness.
I genuinely feel so mixed and I felt it made sense to write about it.
It's quite common now for Mum's to return to work either because they genuinely have to for financial reasons or because they still want to 'be themselves' and have a career or another element to them and not 'just be mummy'. There are plenty of things shared how they feel so upset about leaving their child, yet also relieved to have 'me time'.
I realised I don't recall seeing or hearing from those who decide to stop working. It's just assumed of course it's easy - not having to work, getting all the quality time to see your child grow up.
However, I've realised you actually still are emotionally all over the place.
Thoughts I've experienced for instance:
Am I doing the right thing?
Am I losing part of myself?
Will I numb my mind or social skills by not being in a traditional career?
I miss my work friends
Will I still have an adult social life?
Will my partner still respect me/find me attractive if I'm 'just mum'
Will lifelong friends see or treat me differently now I've decided to 'just be a Mum'
Will my Mum friends see or treat me differently because I'm that 'lucky cow' who didn't have to go back to work, or that 'weird stay at home mum' who enjoys the baby classes, park trips etc?
Will friends see or treat me differently and that I'm taking an 'easy option' or 'lazy' or 'not as good a mum' because I can only manage being a Mum and not juggle career and motherhood?
Am I being lazy?
Am I depriving my child of things in life as we won't be so financially well off?
Am I being selfish expecting my fiancé to support us now?
Will former colleagues and friends lose respect for me taking this step?
Am I setting a bad example to my daughter to 'give up work'?
Am I holding my child back by being with her all the time? Should I have her in nursery or similar for her development/confidence?
When I list it all down it's shocking how much I could actually beat myself up about it.
Whether I've made the right choice only time will tell. Right now I'm extremely fortunate we'll be able to at least get by on one salary and I can't even contemplate leaving our child so it feels right in that sense. She is my life and that feels right.
It goes to show - whether you're a career Mum, a part time working Mum or your job is being a Mum - we're all still facing struggles and continue to guilt trip ourselves day in and day out!