'Just' a Mum?

So I had a couple of conversations yesterday where my blog came up and it reminded me that actually I haven't really written on here in a while. Clicking on the link now I've seen just how long it's been. Wow.

It feels time to change that. How regularly I'll post, realistically, and what about, who knows. For now, this is a start!

Times have changed for me a lot since my last posts - the biggest change (as my hypnobirthing and breastfeeding posts show) is I'm now a Mummy.

And after today I'm officially a full time Mummy.

Yesterday I travelled into London and said goodbye to the digital corporate communications agency I've been employed by for the last nearly 6 years.

Typically, our daughter being looked after by grandparents and my other half already in work on an early shift (so bed and house to myself) I'm wide awake and have been since 6am! Of course I'm sure the alcohol in my bloodstream has nothing to do with this either...

At times when work is stressful and you imagine being a 'lady of leisure' (ha who am I kidding, Mum life is far from easy!) you can only picture smiles and feelings of happiness.

I genuinely feel so mixed and I felt it made sense to write about it.

It's quite common now for Mum's to return to work either because they genuinely have to for financial reasons or because they still want to 'be themselves' and have a career or another element to them and not 'just be mummy'. There are plenty of things shared how they feel so upset about leaving their child, yet also relieved to have 'me time'.

I realised I don't recall seeing or hearing from those who decide to stop working. It's just assumed of course it's easy - not having to work, getting all the quality time to see your child grow up.

However, I've realised you actually still are emotionally all over the place.

Thoughts I've experienced for instance:

Am I doing the right thing?
Am I losing part of myself?
Will I numb my mind or social skills by not being in a traditional career?
I miss my work friends
Will I still have an adult social life?
Will my partner still respect me/find me attractive if I'm 'just mum'
Will lifelong friends see or treat me differently now I've decided to 'just be a Mum'
Will my Mum friends see or treat me differently because I'm that 'lucky cow' who didn't have to go back to work, or that 'weird stay at home mum' who enjoys the baby classes, park trips etc?
Will friends see or treat me differently and that I'm taking an 'easy option' or 'lazy' or 'not as good a mum' because I can only manage being a Mum and not juggle career and motherhood?
Am I being lazy?
Am I depriving my child of things in life as we won't be so financially well off?
Am I being selfish expecting my fiancé to support us now?
Will former colleagues and friends lose respect for me taking this step?
Am I setting a bad example to my daughter to 'give up work'?
Am I holding my child back by being with her all the time? Should I have her in nursery or similar for her development/confidence?

When I list it all down it's shocking how much I could actually beat myself up about it.

Whether I've made the right choice only time will tell. Right now I'm extremely fortunate we'll be able to at least get by on one salary and I can't even contemplate leaving our child so it feels right in that sense. She is my life and that feels right.

It goes to show - whether you're a career Mum, a part time working Mum or your job is being a Mum - we're all still facing struggles and continue to guilt trip ourselves day in and day out!

Light(er) at the end of the tunnel

Well we're now on week 12 of our healthy eating and exercise plan and I have to say things have progressed very nicely. I am 1 stone and 2lbs down weight wise and my man is a whopping 1 stone and 13lbs lighter!

So far so good.

Those of you who've followed the blog for a while will also know at the same time as trying to get in shape my partner has been trying to get back into work after losing his job 6 months ago.

Well finally there is some light at the end of the tunnel! He is currently weighing up all the options on not one, but TWO job offers and both are doing what he loves - helping people with their health. I couldn't be happier for him or prouder.

As if keeping fit and looking for work wasn't enough he's also in training for TWO marathons this year and being the person he is they are just a week apart! The Brighton Marathon on Sunday 15th April and the London Marathon on Sunday 22nd April. Amazing (or mad, you pick!)

Rather than seeing the person I love shrivel up and mope this year due to the situation he's in, I've instead witnessed him become more determined, focussed, ambitious, get healthier and fitter and generally become more positive and proactive in life.

A key factor in this does seem to be the healthy eating and exercise, it seems mad to me that changing your diet and getting up and doing something more often can have such a big impact but it really truly does. Obviously there has been lots of support along the way but I honestly feel the exercise and diet change has been the biggest factor in keeping him on track.

We've also got a little competitive between the two of us and are currently on a bet - if I lose two stone by the middle of May I have to buy him a PS3 game (men! Do they ever grow up?!) If I don't manage to make that weightloss then he has to sponsor a monkey for me (random I know but I love chimpanzees and it'd be so cool to have one you could - sort of - call your own!)

We both seem to have now found a way to incorporate exercise easily into our weekly routines too, today he's off to the gym and then watching football at his brother's after a healthy dinner at mine. I on the other hand will be doing my workout DVD after work and tucking into a healthy dinner whilst watching trashy TV - perfect!

So as the sun shines brightly in the sky today things are finally brightening up for me and my man it seems - healthier, slimmer, happier and slowly getting back on track!

Gender Tender

We don’t need to have people escort us out on dates, we’re allowed to vote, we don’t need to burn our bras in protest, we are free to choose what to wear and we’re allowed to have our own opinion. Things have moved on so much for women right?

Well yes, in many ways they have, but if you expect to have equal rights when it comes to pay – think again. Us ladies are still bottom of the pile when it comes to wages – men are still earning more. I can’t even believe I am typing this to be honest.

According to a poll by the Chartered Management Institute (CMI), on average the difference between what men and women earnt for the doing same job between February 2010-February 2011 was £10,031 (based on the private sector and 34,158 male and female executives).

Surely if you are doing the same job as another person – be they another gender, race, age or religious belief to you – you both deserve the same salary. Now if you outperform someone, show you are more committed or achieve more for a company then clearly you deserve a bigger cash reward. For being born with breasts and not a penis however is not the same. In any way.

What exactly is the reasoning behind this pay difference? Is it because companies feel women aren’t as committed because we’re off with ‘women-related’ troubles or that we’re all desperate to run off and have babies? Are we too sensitive to deal with the same big issues as men? Or is it that we can’t down as many pints with the lads in after work drinking sessions perhaps?

What was the point of the 1970 Equal Pay Act exactly? Why did the world of tennis listen and start to pay women equally in Wimbledon, but sadly the business world did not?

Some would say there is some hope however, in the fact that the research also showed that junior female manages for the first time earnt more than men. No. This isn’t good. In the same way I don’t want us girls to get less than the boys in work, I also don’t want men getting less than women. We should just earn the same. Why is it so difficult? Moreso, why is it still in this day and age still an issue?

Many companies encourage people to keep the pay they receive to themselves, we assume in a bid to stop us demanding more money if we discover we’re not all getting the same. What would you do though if you did discover somebody in your team doing the same job as you was earning more as you – the only difference between you being that you are female and he is a guy? Would you go and complain and demand more? I’d like to think I would. However, findings suggest – and the fact that we’re still experiencing such a big gap – that women don’t. We just sit back and work hard and get on with it, not stopping to demand why this is happening and fighting for what we rightfully deserve.

Nowadays so many of us are just so grateful to even be in employment we don’t feel strong enough to question things – after all we should feel lucky we even have a job right? When does this current climate of fear stop though? If the tough economic times continue when will we ever feel able to argue against things we feel are unfair? In fact what lies ahead of us if hard times keep going? A company needs to make job cuts – do they get rid of the women as they are the timid ones who don’t argue back? Or do they keep us and work us until we make ourselves ill because we’re cheaper to keep on board?

Perhaps it’s time us ladies go back in time - like those people paying our wages seem to be – and take note of the bravery of those women many years ago who really did fight for our rights? That washed out, aged, greying bra you’ve found in your cupboard? Keep hold of it, who knows, you may well be needing it to burn sometime very soon…

Managing to manage

All of us throughout our lives will encounter a manager of some form, they come in all shapes and sizes and their capabilities in their role also vary…a lot!

Having been a manager in charge of a team myself at one point I feel I can now identify with both sides of this relationship, as both the employee and the boss. I also have experienced my fair share of managers, many of which I have to say were not a pleasure to experience.

Some of the examples of jobs I have had include:
Part time checkout girl at Sainsbury’s – in two separate locations
Part time worker at Argos
Office temp
House of Commons admin assistant
Journalist
Team leader
Head of Client Support team at an online news company
And more, but this isn’t a place to showcase my CV!!

Anyway I don’t feel it would be right to be open about what manager from what exact job was good and those from the selection who I feel were bad. People that worked with me in any of the jobs I’ve had may well know who I mean, but I’m going to keep it anonymous.

My working life started at the tender age of 14, nearly 15, I remember because I temped in an office in Holborn and my Mum came to meet me with my GCSE results one lunchtime! Throughout this time I have unfortunately recognised a key theme amongst a lot of managers is to believe if you treat your staff like rubbish it teaches them to ‘behave’ and do what you want. I strongly disagree.

If I were to describe my management approach I would say I am firm but fair. I like to treat those in my team with respect – be there to manage them when needed and give support, but let them work in a way that suits them. However, because I let people manage themselves I expect them to perform well and match my fair approach with a hardworking attitude. If somebody thinks they can take advantage of my way of managing, just wait and see just how hard I can come down when needed.

I discovered this was the best way to manage – in my opinion anyway – after a number of years experiencing others ways and deciding what I liked and didn’t like from their example. From managing a team myself I have also seen what worked and also again what doesn’t.

Some examples of the managers I have had include:
The boss who treated you all as individuals who mattered, who valued your hard work, but when they were stressed you all were, the environment in the whole office would change.
The manager who couldn’t decide if they were your friend or the person in charge, who taught me it was okay to be a bit more laid back at work, but who also was prone to ever-changing moods.
The one in charge who thought everyone was a number on a sheet, was extremely inappropriate in the way they gossiped about other staff members and came out with the most awful jokes and lewd comments.
A lovely lady who wanted you to do well and was full of praise, always trying to please everyone.
Another who was always miserable, didn’t want to do anything themselves and in fact liked to bully her staff.
One who you respect as your manager but who you can have banter with and share similar interests, knowing they are there to support you and that you need to do your job properly, but they will always have their friendly face there when needed too.
Or that boss who liked to belittle their team whenever possible and instead of helping them learn from any mistakes would rather show them up instead.

Quite a mixture as you can see. One thing I feel is key is support for the manager – it is important to let staff know what is expected of them to allow them to perform well and the same needs to be done with managers themselves. I will openly admit when I was a manager in previous roles I never had any management training and was left to teach myself and just try things out and see if they worked. This is not something I think is a great idea and feel this is often why we end up with such bad managers, because they’ve never been guided on how they should be.

I don’t really want to start blogging about my current boss, as everyone knows I am still in my probation period at a new job and anything positive I say is going to look like I’m trying to win favour in said role. However, if anyone reading this does work in the same team as me, or works in my new company, they will know for themselves what sort of manager my boss fits into. That is all I need to say, and that I hope you are all lucky enough to have a manager who knows how to manage.

Mirror mirror on the wall…

Don’t judge a book by its cover? Good luck with that. It may not be very ‘PC’, but one of the first things you notice about a person is how they look – smart, scruffy, ugly, beautiful, skinny, fat.

You judge your future partner on how they look when you first meet, or whether you feel attracted to that stranger across the dancefloor on an evening out. Should this extend to work though? I remember at one point watching a documentary about bigger sized people that were disciminated against due to their weight, with employers admitting they assumed those people were lazier and not as able.

Is the same true if you’re considered more an ugly duckling than the beautiful swan?

There is a new book out called Honey Money, where the author Catherine Hakim argues the importance of good looks. She does combine it with some other factors which make up what she’s termed ‘erotic’ capital. These include sex appeal, how lively you are, your style, beauty and social skills you have. Apparently the better looking you are the better you are in the workplace.

Really?? Surely this can’t be true.

I know from past experience of cases where certain females did get hired based on their looks. Not naming any names here…This was something I found so shocking and really inappropriate. Don’t get my wrong if someone looks like a supermodel and has the best CV and skills, yes they deserve the job. However, hiring someone because they tickle your tastebuds really doesn’t cut it for me. In fact for some working alongside an uber attractive lad or lady may well put them off their own work, it can be very distracting you know.
Should people who are not deemed traditionally ‘beautiful’ miss out then and not be given a chance? Janet Street Porter is hardly the most attractive woman out there but she’s good at what she does, Mo Mowlam – should she have been stopped from getting anywhere in politics due to her less than perfect appearance in the beauty stakes? What about people with deformities and facial scarring? Are they less deserving to do well because they don’t look right? Where does it stop?

I agree with Julie Bindel, talking to Stylist magazine she says that “women should neither need nor desire to use their looks to get ahead in the boardroom”. It feels like we are taking a big step backwards if that’s how people feel they need to be to get ahead in their career.

Taking pride in your appearance is a different story, of course you should be dressed appropriately for work and greasy hair and dirty fingernails is not acceptable in a corporate environment. In the same vein though if you are a genius in your field and you’re not client facing does what you look like really matter?

I’ve never really found somebody’s looks to be an issue and that’s being completely honest. I don’t find I work better with people who are conventionally pretty than I would do those who are perhaps more in the ‘plain Jane’ category. I’d hate to think I’d ever be turned down for a promotion or a job role because I wasn’t deemed good looking enough.

However, it does appear that looks are an important factor in employment. According to new research you can earn approximately 20% more if you are good looking, well mannered and well groomed. I don’t know, perhaps people trust you more and feel you represent the company in a better light. Who knows.

Why is it then we wonder why women (and men of course) have such extreme body image issues, our children start to have weight concerns when they should be still playing with toys and having sweet treats and plastic surgery is so popular? If looks are now becoming important in your career what sort of message does that convey? Are we going into a future where people become perfect replicas of the ideal man and woman to get that relationship and secure that dream job? I’ve already blogged before about being able to pick and choose ideal features in your babies, could this be another reason parents might decide to pursue such an option?

Perhaps I better get back in that gym and invest in some more makeup, I don’t want to be left behind in the ugly corner at work…

Bloggers Block

Whether it’s down to my head being crammed full of facts, names and processes from my new role, or that my creative juices have temporarily stopped flowing, I can’t seem to write my blog.

I feel a bit like I’ve neglected it lately and it was only conversations at work this week that reminded me of its presence and my lack of contributions. So I’m afraid this post is going to be rather random and filled with a bit of a mix.

So I guess I should start by updating you on my new job. I’ve now done 8 days at my new company and I am genuinely really enjoying it – much to my relief. After all it would have been a bit of a slap in the face to go somewhere new and find you enjoy it less than the previous job you left. It’s also highlighted how little things in life really can make a big difference – things like ‘proper’ mugs to drink out of, not cardboard cups; a sense of general trust in employees and a friendly, approachable nature from management (on all levels).

My boyfriend has found it quite comical – and a reflection of my previous company – how impressed I am by what some people will argue is behaviour almost to be expected by employers. I guess perhaps still being in the new person and learning stage my view may also be somewhat skewed too!

In other areas of my life, I will find myself in the last year of my 20s after this Saturday. A very scary thought indeed. To be honest I have been so caught up in starting my new job and issues with my boyfriend’s career that I’ve not built my birthday up as much as I normally would.

I am a bit of a nightmare when it comes to birthdays, I believe this is down to having such a small family, when one of us has a birthday we like to make a big fuss. I have been known to celebrate my birthdays over a number of days and in fact when I was 25 I had 5 consecutive days of various celebrations. Tip – don’t have your work birthday drinks as the final night of birthday events if you choose to do this, it gets very messy and you will be extremely hungover the next day.

This year I’ve made no arrangements, partly because I’ve not had time and also because my boyfriend has something planned for Saturday – this is all a complete surprise though, so I don’t know what he has in store… I only arranged to go out for a meal and drinks tomorrow night with a close friend a few days ago and that was after my poor friend had to nudge me on it numerous times. I do wonder is this also possibly my way of denying my age and that this is the last year of my 20s, it just doesn’t feel real.

When I think back to being young, back then if I saw someone 30 years of age they seemed so grown up and pretty much sorted – good job, married, own a nice big house, have kids. I didn’t know what, but I was fairly confident in the fact that they had achieved something with their lives. When you get to this age you can’t help but question are you where you should be and have you done and seen enough? I will worry about that after my birthday, else I fear I will spend the day moping about the things I could have done and not what I have done with my life.
I’ve also thought about life and being young with the recent violence and looting in London and across the UK. It saddens me to think this is our future society and although I know this is not necessarily a reflection of the majority of young people today, I’ve seen enough evidence of how teens and schoolchildren feel they can act to know things are different now.

Who knows perhaps again this is further evidence of me getting older. I know for a fact I’ve started doing the whole ‘when I was young…’ phrasing and labelling young girls and boys wearing hoodies or in big groups as ‘yobs’. I just really do feel that things have changed and just general respect and accountability of actions is lacking somewhat nowadays.

I am ‘friends’ on Facebook with some young people – generally distant family members linked to me or my boyfriend, and I find I don’t like looking at their profiles. The girls look too made up and too grown up, the boys have ridiculous levels of bad language on their walls or are using terminology which I’d associate with ‘chavs’.

Even the things our 6 year old nephew is aware of shocks me sometimes, just the general information or terms they pick up simply being around other children at school is insane. I just remember being in more of a bubble when I was young and enjoying the magic of childhood, rather than rushing to become an adult – well at least until I was about 13+ anyway.

The other concern I’ve had of late is my weight (yes, yet again). My whole healthy eating, exercise regime has gone well and truly out the window and I need to quickly establish a routine so I can get myself sorted again. I am actually going to see if I can use my gym membership in the same chain near my office – talks of early morning or lunchtime workouts have been heard, now it’s just a case of making them happen…

It’s just the area I’m based in now – around Spitalfields, near Shoreditch etc, everyone is so skinny and trendy. Seriously, this whole area is not doing anything for my confidence, I feel like an old granny and that I can’t quite work out what to wear – something I’ve never felt before to be honest. I thought how great it was that in this company we could wear what we want (within reason obviously) in the office, but it does add another factor to worry about each week.

So there you have it, I’ve turned into an ageing, judgemental, plump, frumpily-dressed woman on the speedy downward slope to 30. Happy days. I tell you something though, if you need me to talk about work orders, outlines, corporate websites or the best train to get from Romford to Liverpool Street then I’m your lady!

Grass is always greener?

Well well well the day has finally arrived. Tomorrow is my last day at work. So am I jumping for joy and ecstatic at the thought of never having to go there again? Actually, no.

I’ve found myself today feeling a mixture of emotions, but in the main I’ve felt quite sad. Ironically, after 7 and a half years there, many of which (in the latter years) I’ve just wanted a quick thank you or a bit of recognition – today I got it. A thank you card from my boss with some kind words in it regarding my work, I really genuinely appreciated it.

As I walked round the Canary Wharf shops at lunch I found myself feeling down that my lunchtimes would no longer be spent strolling around the many stores that make up the maze that is the shopping centre there. I seem to have been getting on better with colleagues in the office – I guess because I’m more laid back and relaxed – and just hope I meet people in my new career that are as much fun. I’m not going to be Little Miss Go To Girl who knows it all, I’m going to be the new clueless stranger who doesn’t know anyone or anything yet – scary times.

I am pretty much convinced that tomorrow will see me become a blubbering mess quite early on into the evening at my leaving drinks, in fact it’s pretty likely to occur beforehand. Every kindly worded email I’ve received so far from clients or colleagues alike have left me a bit wet around the tear duct.

So why is it? After months of stressing out as to whether I should leave there and being down and depressed about having to work at the company, how come now I’m able to finally get out I feel unsure and sad?

Is this a typical case of grass is always greener on the other side? I have thought to myself am I going to live to regret my decision. To be honest I really don’t think I will, the time was right and I hope this is the start of many positive years and experiences to come. However, the thought of not seeing some of those people everyday and not doing that familiar journey, viewing those same old sights and friendly faces, is filling me with a dread a bit.

Why is it we always feel that what we haven’t got is what we need or want? People always crave more money, but often it’s the case that however big a salary you have you will spend it and soon want more. You think people with short hair look better, you cut yours and you prefer it long. Some people feel unhappy with their weight, they go on a diet and then find their bubbly personality has gone. People want to move to the country for a nicer way of life, they take the plunge and then find they’re bored as the countryside is too quiet for them. I could go on.

So now I have a day tomorrow of leaving well wishes, a leavers lunch and hopefully a relaxed time before I finish up. Fingers crossed I won’t shed too many tears and I remain polite in my exit interview.

Anyway to be honest I don’t know what I’m worrying about, there’s no guarantee I’m going to be going anywhere after my leaving drinks and the horrendous alcohol consumption that awaits me if my colleagues have anything to do with it. Oh well, I better make the most of it, there may well be another leaving do at the bar we’re going to and I wouldn’t want to wish I was on theirs instead...

Taking a chance

Those people who know me well will know I am not one to make decisions lightly and do something a bit out there. That's why today has been a bit of a shock for me and my sensible self - I've handed in my notice for my job, the job I've had for nearly 7 and a half years, the job that was my first proper career after I graduated...To add salt to the wound, I've gone without another job to go to. 


ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Some scary stuff, I'm sure you'll agree.


But what has caused me to jump ship? A number of reasons actually ranging from being treated like something on the bottom of someone's shoe on a regular basis, finding myself one of many who dreads entering that hellhole every day and realising that hang on a minute I'm actually still quite young and value my life and don't want to shorten it by getting stressed caused by ungrateful scum. Okay, I've got that off my chest, feels good, sorry about that...


So, what lies in store for me? Am I as promising a candidate as some companies/agencies would have had me believe so far or am I being a complete muppet and throwing my life away? One things for sure after the reaction I got today I am fairly sure it is the right decision to take and I've realised who my true friends are once admitting the truth to people today about how I've really been feeling and what I was planning to do/had done.


Watch this space...