The constant battle

You can’t wait to be a Mum and hold that baby in your arms

You miss that big round bump and feeling that life move inside your tummy

You can’t wait to see them crawling around and able to explore some more 

You miss how cute and dependent they were when they ‘just laid there’

You can’t wait to get some sleep and not be waking throughout the night to feed

You miss those little lips on you, that hand stroking your chest, those eyes gazing up

You can’t wait to see those little chubby legs walking around like others, what’s taking so long 

You miss the little baby who wanted to hold on and bounced around on your lap

You can’t wait for them to use that baby cutlery and make less mess

You miss putting that tiny spoon in their little mouth and no shouts or gestures of ‘I do it’

You can’t wait for those first words and to know what it is they need

You miss the little gurgles and raspberry blowing 

You can’t wait to be able to put them down and not have a constant clinging shadow 

You miss the cuddles and snuggles reading or simply dozing on you 

You can’t wait for them to start preschool or nursery, to get some time to ‘get things done’

You miss the noise, laughter and time together, it feels too quiet 

You can’t wait to have more time as they grow and learn

You miss that little baby and see how quick they’ve become this child

You can’t wait to not have to change so many nappies, tidy so many toys, be constantly interrupted 

You miss them needing you, the bright colours and those funny tales 

You can’t wait, you want it now, constantly comparing and looking ahead, until you get it, then

You miss the little one so tiny and needy who saw you as their all and needed you for everything. You realise how fast those days, weeks, months and years fly by 

And you wish you’d just lived it all and enjoyed each stage there and then, instead of looking ahead and wondering when

Making time for Mum

Ha even the title of this post is proving the point of how things change when you have children.

Not making time for me/for Mel but for ‘Mum’. I’m sure I’m not the only one who wonders where they’ve gone since having kids - what happened to the person you were pre-children?

The gap since my last post should give some sort of indication of how time for myself is pretty much forgotten most the time these days - definitely bottom of the pile in life as I know it now, with it’s never ending and constantly growing to do list.

I dread to even think how this will even read - can I even write well anymore? Or has my Mum mode/baby brain/rhyme singing mind taken over?

Don’t get me wrong I adore my children and truly know how blessed I am to even have them. (There you go obligatory Mum guilt statement number 1!)

However, one of the key things that shocked me when having children is the discovery of how different it is to how I ever imagined and the sense of loss in your self that can be experienced at times.

I don’t really like to make new year resolutions, let’s face it most of them aren’t kept to and aren’t that sincere. Or we just ride along with the generic cliched standard list that get rolled out most years - be healthier, lose weight, be better with money, be more organised, blah blah blah.

I’m really hoping this year to try and make more time for me. I see it myself, after a little time on my own or getting to be ‘the old me’ as I often view it, it’s like hitting the reset button. I’m more chilled and I miss and value those little munchkins of mine even more. I appreciate my life a whole lot more and the resentment, anxiety, tiredness, impatience, short temper and stress is chipped away and seems not all that bad.

Yes it’s tough being a Mum and a stay at home Mum at that - pre child me is sitting there now rolling her eyes at that one (you ‘don’t work’, you’re at home, what’s so hard about that, how can you be stressed?) But if you can find some balance and have a few bits of ‘time off’ now and again it’s such a fulfilling and worthwhile life and a privilege to be able to experience.

So why is it every time I even start to consider looking into booking some time for me - shopping, a film, a spa day, just an hour or two to read a book, have a bath, listen to music, see friends - the guilt kicks in?

Why do we feel so bad at needing a break? Why do we feel it’s so wrong to want to be someone over than Mum?

Tell me, how do you balance it? What do you do? And what is this guilt? I’m sure I’m not the only one who gets it, right?

So yeah, 2019, I’d like a bit more time for me please and to also be a fiancée again and enjoy some time as a couple - the pair we used to be, not Mummy and Daddy for all the time.

Now if I can just get over this guilt first...and the care of 11month old twins and a 2 and a half year old...the washing...the nappies...the shopping...the cleaning...the diary planning..the budgeting...the cooking...

Oh, you know what, maybe tomorrow...