Manners cost nothing?

I remember writing about people’s behaviour previously http://themelican.blogspot.com/2011/06/on-mission-to-find-manners.html and how basic manners seemed to be disappearing. 

Well it’s a number of years on and wow have things changed.

And not for the better.

Manners and concern for others at times feel like they’ve totally gone out the window. 

I regularly witness selfish drivers (and in fact dangerous drivers). People just go through a red light, cut people up, and we’ve found our baby on board stickers in the back of the car make no difference whatsoever. Well, my fiancé used to drive ambulances and still experienced this behaviour so clearly nothing has an impact! I don’t drive and to be honest I think I’d be scared too nowadays anyway! 

Walking down a high street so many people walk right at you, push in front when there’s a queue or don’t apologise if they knock into you. 

Having a big tandem buggy and a toddler in tow at times I am conscious I take up a lot of the pavement. I try to make sure we move out the way as often as we can. But do you know what? Many a time I wish I hadn’t bothered because it’s rare we get a thank you or any acknowledgement.

I’ve been struggling along before now with all the kids and people - who could easily have moved - have made me struggle to get past rather than them moving slightly out the way. 

Take the recent debate on parent and child car park spaces - the number of times I’ve seen people in these that don’t have any children. People just don’t care. It’s all about what suits them. 

Funny enough on the way to Baby Sensory today we came to a narrowing of the path and I instinctively stopped walking with the pram and let a lady through. She stared at the twins and ignored me. Nice.

When did manners become such a novelty? 

It’s one of the things we’re very keen on as parents to instil in our children to be kind and polite. To me it’s a basic standard way to behave and I still to this day find it shocking when others are clearly not of this belief. 

How hard is it to say thank you, please, sorry? 

Am I being a stereotypical queue-loving rule-abiding Brit here? Are manners old fashioned now? A thing of the past?

Who decided it wasn’t necessary to be polite anymore? 

Is it a similar case to what happens as a commuter? I used to dread seeing people I knew on the commute when I was at work as I turned into this short tempered huffing rushing beast. People clambered to get on tubes, rushed for a seat and you ended up mirroring their behaviour in some sort of survival mode technique. 

So do people see others not using manners and end up simply replicating that behaviour? 

Is this trend going to revert and manners will come back ‘in fashion’? Or are we going to find things get increasingly worse? I truly hope not. 

So what do you think? Are manners important anymore? Let me know your thoughts. Erm...please. Thank you. 

Everybody’s little helper

“You have that type of face.”

“Take it as compliment.”

Just a few choice phrases I hear on many occasion.

At work I need to be super organised and plan and guide team members, at home I am the diary owner and the one who runs our social life, with friends I tend to be the one who over the years makes group arrangements or suggestions of nights out. With family I am the one contacted about meeting up and ideas for plans.

Whatever job I’ve been in and for whatever length of time I’ve always been the go to person for people across the company – Mel will know, Mel keeps records of everything, Mel can tell you, Mel will have the details of who to ask.

I’ve come to realise I just need to accept that this seems to be part and parcel of who I am, my nature, my approach. I help people. I organise.

In turn, I also admittedly get a bit uncomfortable if others do take the reins since I’m a bit of a control freak and they’ll likely not do it how I would have done.

However, last year I began to notice another pattern emerging. That of strangers.

Yes complete and utter strangers, in the street, on public transport, in any kind of random situation you’d like to think of.

People I have no knowledge of until the particular said moment, who also want my help or to talk to me.

We all know the elderly man or lady at the bus stop, they look lonely, they just want someone to make conversation with. I have no issue with them and have sympathy for them, but what is it about me that makes them think they’ll start up a conversation with me. Not the half dozen other people around them and on occasion closer to them.

On my breaks at work, quite often on my walk to or from the local coffee shop I get approached by tourists or people going for a meeting who ask me directions. Now I am based near Brick Lane, Spitalfields and Liverpool Street – you can imagine how many people there are around that area. But I’m the person that gets approached.

The best example so far was yesterday. Walking back to my office a young guy in his late 20s, early 30s, stopped and asked ‘Can I ask you a favour?’ I should add I’d been doing my usual London-commuter-super-fast-paced-stone-faced look so I don’t really think I looked all that friendly.

Me, being me, I said ‘sure’ and smiled.

He then proceeded to present me with a really teeny tiny mobile phone (whilst holding a bigger phone in his other hand) and asked ‘I’ve not got my glasses. Can you do me a favour and read out the number for me’. My getting-old, non-trusting self did even for a minute think this was a scam and he was going to distract me whilst someone else dipped in my bag and took my phone or purse! (I know, how old am I getting??)

So of course I checked which entry and read it out to him. ‘Ah thanks you’re an angel!’ and off he went.

Now, don’t get me wrong it is a compliment people clearly think I am approachable and that to me is a positive thing. However, it can – as you can appreciate – get a little exhausting.

Why is it then people choose to ask me over all these many other members of the public, workspace, social group, family?

I read recently that nowadays we live in a world where people don’t accept responsibility for their actions anymore. We all blame each other and nobody wants to go ahead and do things for others, everyone wants someone else to do it.

I’ve always been someone who can’t stand to see things unfinished or ignored. This new mantra people seem to follow in society is lost on me. It’s just not me.

And when I’ve tried to not offer myself up to do things? In all honesty it’s kind of made me miserable because it’s not the real me.

Even on calls or meetings – if someone makes a joke and nobody responds I feel forced to force a giggle, or silence to somebody’s request for ideas, I will eventually jump in just to offer something.

So maybe I bring it on myself.

Sure, I get that for people who know me a little better. But strangers? I’m baffled, what truly can it be?

Any ideas anyone?
[I say, already doubting a response because after all you’ll all be waiting for me to fill the gap and silence right?]

Super song addict

Have you ever heard a song and liked it so much you just have to keep listening to it?

It’s always in your head?

You find yourself humming it absentmindedly?

You play it and then you need to play it again straight after?

You can’t listen to it without singing along?

My name’s Mel and I have a song addiction.

Towards the end of last year I was in the car with my fiancé and a song came on the radio, I of course did my classic groan and then shriek ‘Oh I LOVE this song!’

I’ve since realised how annoying I am in the car with him (I’m surprised he’s lasted 9 years+) but if there is a song I like playing in the car I have to sing to it. Well try to sing, I have an awful voice.

This particular evening he told me how annoying I am and proceeded to crank the volume up to drown me out.

The song? Don’t Let Go, by En Vogue. I’ve not heard it in years, but it brought back so many memories from when I was young and is a proper ‘hairbrush song’ (you know, when you’re young and you sing dramatically into a hairbrush some other microphone-alternative item?)

After wailing and shrieking along to it in the car I then obsessed about it all evening and proceeded to check my iPod. What?! It’s not on there?!

So I looked on iTunes.

Oh dear…I then found Greatest Hits of En Vogue and remembered some other ‘classics’. A few minutes later and the album was on my iPod!

And since? Well when my fiancé is out and I’m along on goes the iPod dock and the song gets played on loop until I get embarrassed that my next door neighbours can hear.

I then told one of my team at work about my dilemma and ended up playing it 3 times in a row whilst at work – well you’ve somehow got to brighten up all those spreadsheets!

This is not the first time this has happened, other classics I can remember are Jennifer Paige’s Crush which old Uni flatmates of mine will remember I used to play weirdly when me and my boyfriend of the time had an argument and he’d stormed off home. Ah the random things you do when young…

I also got a tad obsessed with Kasabian’s Fire for quite some time too.

I’m sure there are many others too.

So what is it that makes certain songs stick in our head and appeal so much? And why is it you feel the need to keep playing and playing and playing the song before eventually (and I’m talking a long time here) it starts to grate on you and you get fed up?

And more importantly, please help me out here and tell me I’m not the only this happens to?

Anyone?...

Is Tuesday really that terrible?

This morning as I walked along in the rain, annoyed that two cars went flying over the crossing and didn't stop for me, I was taken back to my A Level days.

Studying Sociology as one of my subjects at sixth form college, we learnt about something called the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy - the idea people end up behaving or thinking a certain way if you constantly expect it of them. 

I can recall studies on children who became naughty or troublesome after their family and school teachers all labelled them as such. After a while they then started to behave and adopt traits of  being that way.

The reason I thought about this was a simple reason. Today is Tuesday.

I've blogged about it before, but for some reason for quite some time I've found on a Tuesday I tend to have a bad day. 

Even if my day seems to be going okay, later on I soon find myself annoyed or upset by something at work, or I'll have transport issues or I'll get some bad news. You get the idea.

So my default reaction this morning on having cars not stop for me and the fact it was raining on my walk to the tube station was just that. Oh typical it's Tuesday! 

I've come to almost dread Tuesdays and I think on occasion I've avoided certain things like booking important meetings  on this day of the week, just in case.

This morning I finally weighed myself and I found I've only lost 1lb in weight since I first weighed myself on New Year's Day to start my healthy eating and exercise.

What did I do? Of course, as you're guessing - as silly as it is - I thought maybe I need to re-think this day to weigh myself. Perhaps I should go back to Saturdays or Mondays like before.

I realise I've been thinking this way for quite some time now. As weird as it may seem and however slightly embarrassing it is to admit it.

For some reason this morning as I was walking I was taken back to my 16/17 year old self and I thought of Sociology and this Self Fulfilling Prophecy. 

Maybe Tuesdays aren't all bad. What if all this time I've been making them hard for myself? Could a few odd bad days have fallen on a Tuesday by coincidence and I've now shoved this label on them and am now stuck in my ways obsessing over Terrible Tuesdays? Are other days full of similar occurrences but I deal with them better because they've fallen on another day and I've not made such a big deal out of them?

So as I walked along I decided today I am not going to assume things will be bad and if things do happen I mustn't associate them with the fact it's a Tuesday.

So far so good. I'm on my break at work and although a couple of things haven't been great I'm not on some sort of downer. 

Let's see if I make it to the end of the day and if this new approach works.

Anyone else got any weird habits like this? And can it really be true you can influence your whole day with the power of your thinking?

I'll let you know... 

Get your priorities right

Have you ever noticed how people’s ideas of priorities and what’s really important can differ so much?

For many the most important thing in life is family – they should always come first.

Then there are things such as health and making the most of life.

How do you decide what should take priority and is truly important?

Is there really a right or wrong?

I, for example, feel family always comes first and it should do. Life is too short and you should always be there for each other.

Others it seems do not feel the same way.

What do you do though in these situations and what should you do? Should we maintain a life of biting our tongue so as to keep the peace and harmony amongst family and friends.

Or should we be open and honest and say it as it is?

Are people often what we see as selfish as they don’t know any better or have just got their priorities muddled?

For example what would you do in the following scenarios:

Do everything for other people, but not be there to support your family members?
Enjoy an active social life as you’re on your own, but never make time to see family?
Spend money on material things, or think about others around you who you could help?
Check in with other people or just go to them when you need something?
Take the time to think about gifts/conversations or go for the quick and easy option?

Notice a pattern here? Hm, me too.

As we approach Christmas and are now in the festive season, this should be the time for giving. Sharing, caring and being kind to all, right?

So why do some people find this time of year it’s actually more appropriate to think of number one? But when it suits pull the sympathy card out?

Does this ring any bells for anyone? On talking to some people this seems more common than not.

The thing I get stuck on however is whether to pull people up on these lapses in judgement and behaviour, or to let them work their way through said weird spell and ignore it until they’re back to a more normal self?

Any advice would be much appreciated? That’s if you’ve got time to spare for me of course…

Disgust on the District Line

I’ve blogged before about manners and where have they disappeared to in the UK?

However, something happened on Monday to get my week off to a cracking start!

Since moving I now have to travel a different way into work. Those of you from the London area will have heard of the 2 routes I’ll refer to, for those of you who don’t I’ll try paint a picture.

In a previous company I had to travel on the district line, part of the London underground, I’d then change and get another underground train. When I moved to my current company over three years ago I could travel in using National Rail – an overground train which has set scheduled train times.

Typically the District line is cramped, full of rude people and always seems to smell or have some sort of unpleasant experience happen on it. The rail train tended to seem more pleasant, although I soon found you got your fair share of rude people on there too (think arrogant businessman barging into everyone or whiny chav talking super loud about their private life).

When I moved I realised my routine of getting the overground train was going to change and I was going to be back to the good old District Line, I won’t lie I was dreading it. It always has delays and always makes me feel sweaty and dirty on disembarking.

However, for most of the journeys in the last few weeks (bar this week) it has actually not been quite as bad as I remembered and in fact I quite liked the slightly longer time on the train as it gives me time to read my book for longer and catch up on work emails on my way in at times before we go into tunnels.

On Monday though, my experience was not so good. In fact it was probably one of if not the worst time I’ve had on my commute in. And to be fair to TfL for once it was nothing to do with them.

It was a passenger.

Thankfully we were only a few stops from where I need to get off.

I was sitting minding my own business reading my Kindle when I heard an odd noise – it sounded like a child. Then I noticed people looking in the direction of the noise (the carriage was pretty packed as usual) and they looked a bit uncomfortable to put it politely.

Eventually I turn my head to look through the gap in the crowds and I see what this unpleasant sight is…

A Mum with her little boy and girl. The little boy had clearly been taken ill as they’d stepped on the train. He was being sick. Obviously he can’t help that.

The Mum? She was just standing there letting him being sick on the floor. Then she started to just hold a tissue out.

You can imagine the scene and the mess. It was horrible.

The best bit of this tale? The Mum proceeded to dump the dirty tissues straight on the carriage floor around people.

Then when we arrived at the next stop? She just got off, took her children with her and left the rest of us in the carriage to the mess. Nice.

An older gentlemen then found some old newspaper and just covered things up.

Now, I know the child can’t help being ill. I am not one of these people that sneers at children on the train (well not unless I’m in a real grumpy mood!)

However, as the adult in the situation I couldn’t believe how the woman was not more aware of what was happening, other people, the germs, not to mention her little boy standing there openly vomiting on to the floor.

My tummy flipped over quite a few times and I did start to wonder if I’d be next. You’ll be pleased to know I wasn’t.

It just got me thinking again though about thinking of others and common courtesy. The way the mother behaved and also the passengers at that end of the carriage, I realised nobody offered the little boy their seat whilst he was unwell either.

Are we just becoming a society now of everyone for themselves and looking out for number one? I sincerely hope not.

Still, we’re approaching Christmas now so perhaps all these festive ads everyone harps on about will help warm people’s hearts and get them thinking of people around them and not just themselves…

Living together lessons

I’ve been with my partner for over 9 years.
We’ve been engaged nearly 1 year.
We’ve been living together in a house, our first home together, for 1 month.

Help!

Previously I was living in a one bedroom flat which I bought around a year and a half/two years into our relationship. My fiancé used to stay over quite a lot but we didn’t actually live together.

We’ve been wanting to live together properly for years, but various reasons have meant financially that wasn’t an option.

Our search began in February this year and rather naively it didn’t hit me until literally the week before we moved in that this was it, we were actually going to be living as a proper couple. Still, I didn’t expect much to be different, after all we’ve been together years.

Wow, was I wrong.

It feels so so different. Where my fiancé does shifts we don’t see each other as much as other couples do anyway, but most mornings he gets up and says goodbye to me at the door which is such a lovely feeling. On those days he’s not working it’s lovely to have him here, particularly to come home to after work.

One slight issue, we are so different in character. Clearly this is something we’ve discovered way before now, but certain elements haven’t mattered as the flat before was my home and my property, now we’re in it together.

If I have things to do I like to crack on and just get them done. My fiancé likes to do things within his timeframe.
I like to keep things quite tidy and my fiancé often teases me I am ‘Monica’ from Friends. My fiancé isn’t messy as such, but is much more relaxed about tidying everything up.
I like to get help and guidance from our parents who have more life experience on things than us. My fiancé is keen we do things ourselves and stop involving others.

I could go on. Nothing here is horrendous, but as you can imagine we have bickered quite a bit in the last month.

I’ve also been learning a lot about myself (perhaps it’s being an only child), but I am quite selfish at times. I didn’t realise until we started looking at items for our home.

My fiancé describes my taste as ‘Essex’ and some pieces I’ve seen he feels are ‘chavvy’. I on the other hand think what I like is modern and looks good of course!

When we walk round I will see something I like and he’ll tend to not like it but look to compromise and see the good and bad in the item. He suggests something? My response mostly is ‘No’ and walking on. Awful, I know.

Until our wardrobes are fitted and complete my partner still has near enough all his items (clothes etc) at his parent’s house. His parents live really close to his base at work too so he’s still getting food for work from his Mum and picking up his clothes from home (as well as his washing). This also means we’re still not quite experiencing living together properly and it’s making things awkward around meal times and the like.

I really didn’t realise how even after so many years together we’d need to learn each other’s ways like this and need to adapt again and learn to compromise and take on each other’s ways.

Most people I know live with their partners already and have done for years, so I guess they’ve been through the same. I’ve had people at work giving me tips on how to ‘get things done’ by your other half and similar! But how about you guys? How have you found it when moving in with your other half? How long did it take you to get used to each other and settle?

Overall, I’m so pleased to be living together finally and be able to move forward in our relationship after so many years. I must admit though it’s not easy learning things about yourself (and your partner), particularly for someone who’s stubborn and of course ‘always right’ like me!

Changing your approach

One of the beautiful things in life is how diverse humanity is, no two people are the same whether in looks, behaviour or attitudes.

However, it can also be one of the most irritating things.

Nobody is perfect and there are good and bad points to each approach people choose to take.

Over the years I’ve learnt more about different management and learning styles and I’ve worked to become more adaptive to others.

One thing that I have become conscious of throughout this is I have a set style and I tend to work much better with those who adapt a similar approach. This can be both in my professional and personal life.

As I’ve worked through these courses/books/training I’ve learnt how different people can get on with different traits to their own by compromise, being more flexible and identifying said differences.

However, the problem is if you are not a flexible person you’re not going to try and consider other views and look to work together. Your way is right end of.

As a result I often find we end up in a never-ending cycle of those of us who are more sensitive/wanting to ‘keep the peace’. We start feeling peeved with other’s attitudes/behaviour -> then remember the different types -> we then realise we need to learn to change -> we try and change -> and are then met with others seemingly not bothering to make the same effort -> we then get annoyed again that we’re always the ones trying to be helpful.

So how do we overcome this?

This is something I still feel I’ve not found the answer to.

I get regularly frustrated when others don’t respond in a timely manner, don’t take ‘hints’ and wait for me to be completely and utterly direct and obvious (which they know I may not be comfortable with) and don’t get me started on being the ‘client’ outside of work. I often think of how I have always treated clients and worked for them and cannot believe what a bad service I’m then experiencing when I’m not the service provider out of work.

I’m going through similar things again at the moment. So I’m trying to broaden my approach and read up on it. Yes I’m in the cycle where I’m trying again to change and adapt, but not wanting to get annoyed part way through with others involved. Tricky.

Right now I’m reading a book by Karren Brady on how she worked her way up as a woman. She clearly has a very different tact to me, but I’m sticking with it and trying to learn something.

I’ve also still got Stephen Covey’s book on my Kindle to read and have recently purchased a book about change for work.

Let’s hope these provide me with all the tools I’ll need! I’ll let you know…

In the meantime any tips will be greatly received!

Selfish? Me?

A thought for the day.

I'm always having a whinge about other people nowadays. How rude people are with their manners and mainly how selfish they are.

Common courtesy and helping others tends to go out the window a lot now.

Everyone seems to be worried about what's in it for me. 

At work we often get annoyed how someone couldn't take time out just to reply to emails or update us.

Me and my fiancé get frustrated at the selfish people who never let us drive out of our turning where I live.

Today I was due to meet my old closest university friend at Stratford Westfield for a long awaited catch up.

A few hours before we were due to meet I checked the National Rail app and found the trains had delays. The extent of those delays kept changing.

I noticed the reason for the delays - a person had been hit by a train at Ilford.

I let my friend know and we tried to see if we could still meet.

In the end we postponed our catch up.

We were both fuming.

I took to Twitter to complain - of course! - and the rail company Tweeted me back with the reason. 

All day I've been moaning about my plans being cancelled.

The fact is someone got hit by a train today and can only imagine they sadly lost their life. A family lost a loved one.

Did I stop to consider that? 

All I've been worried about is moaning about my plans.

Who's the selfish one now? 

Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn - how do YOU use yours?

I’ve noticed something lately. When I wake up, or on the route into work, I can’t help but pick up my phone and get on Facebook and Twitter. This is pretty normal behaviour to be honest. You know the drill, you get a bit of spare time at work you might have a quick Tweet, you take a seat on the train home and feel the urge to enjoy a bit of social networking, you know it’s somebody’s birthday so make sure you write on their ‘wall’.

However, although I’d still say I’m pretty much addicted to social media – not a day goes by when I don’t visit Facebook, Twitter or LinkedIn – I am starting to use it differently.

It seems to suggest to me the power of social media. At first I thought perhaps my interest in said sites was starting to wane, but then I realised I wasn’t actually spending less time, in fact my usage was just changing.

I first joined Facebook years back after a friend suggested I join it because I always sent my holiday photos round for them to see, she explained how this site let you share pictures with friends easily and quickly. I thought I’d give it a go. Already on Friends Reunited, I already enjoyed finding out about school chums and their lives, but what you could see and do was limited.

With Facebook gradually I added colleagues to my network and as I noticed my friends started to learn of this site I built up my group of ‘friends’. From then on over the years I was hooked – at first having a quick nose to see what people from school were up to, to bombarding everyone with my array of photo albums, updating my status so that people soon knew pretty much everything I was up to and getting on chat to talk to friends far away.

Yet since joining the site 5 years ago I find I am using it differently. Although I still share far many more pictures than those around me, I am doing it less than I was and I used to religiously update my status every single day (at least), not any more. No of late I’ve found I’m mainly going on Facebook to catch up on what people have been doing and nosing at their pictures.

Take Twitter, at least half of their users don’t actually Tweet. To be honest I’ve gone the opposite way. I joined Twitter in line with some social media changes at work and wasn’t a huge fan, finding Facebook a much better option. However, I’m finding I’m more likely to Tweet these days than update my status. Why is that? What makes us change our habits on social media?

It seems rather than get tired of these sites after years of using them, we just find new ways to use them and with more features being offered constantly it seems we may never run out of new things to try – games, celebrity accounts, new photo tagging features, company pages, events, special Facebook related offers, access to breaking news, linking between accounts, targeted ads, the list goes on and on…

I feel the fact my Mum, my boyfriend’s parents and many of my friends parents are set up on Facebook now is evidence this is not just a fad for the younger generation. A relative of mine who turned 67 this year has expressed her craving to get a laptop, get online and what is one of her top priorities? Get on Facebook. A recent infographic highlighted just how widespread social media usage is – everybody is at it!

How did I end up getting a new job? On LinkedIn – a networking site. Social media is so big now, as part of your role in most online companies you’re expected to have at least one account and to help reflect your company positively keep your LinkedIn page up to date – because of course you’ll have one as a given.

I’ve banged on before about how important social media is, like most people out there. However, it’s pretty clear that as well as making sure they have a social media presence (and the ability to manage it in case of crisis), companies need to be aware of people’s changing habits on said sites and adapt accordingly. As someone recently said to me on Twitter - when I tweeted about Tweriod being a useful tool – if you don’t know yourself what time your followers are on then you don’t know them well enough. In turn, suggesting you won’t have many of them for much longer if you’re not delivering on why they originally started following you.

On starting this blog I found my usage also changed, most obviously with a lot of posts relating back to my blog. In turn I am also interested in how many Twitter followers I have and patterns and stats associated with this blog. A key example of this is the fact I’ve logged into/signed up for Twitter Counter whilst writing/researching this blog!

There is a lot more awareness in the user themselves too, with recent events such as the riots and high profile figures getting themselves into trouble making people think twice what they Tweet. You want to have more followers on Twitter, lots of friends on Facebook, more connections on LinkedIn and increasing numbers of fans of your blog. Rather than just using social media for fun I find – and I’m sure others feel the same – it is becoming a much more considered act.

So as the ever-growing number of users changes, so too must those people out there trying to benefit from its increasing popularity – bloggers, corporates, B2C companies, brands, entertainers – like most things online it is a never-ending road of discovery, change, development and opportunity, so make sure you’re keeping up!