Sunday, 31 May 2015

Another battle

Yesterday was my follow up scan.

It wasn't good news.

I now need to have the op (ERPC or was known as D&C). 

There is still an amount of tissue remaining and they also noticed a cyst on my left ovary (apparently that's nothing to worry about for now). 

I won't lie. I was devastated and shocked when the nurse doing the internal scan told me this news. 

I really needed yesterday to be positive and now it feels the last four weeks were a complete waste of time.

My Mum was with me and we spent around 5 hours at the hospital yesterday after my initial scan and then being triaged to wait for a doctor for next steps etc. 

Since 1st May, the day of our 12 week scan this has been my life. I just want to move forward with my fiancé and try to get back to being me and my life. I've been off work this whole time and will need longer again now I need the op.

I've never had an op of any sort and this situation has been the first time I've been in a hospital for myself in any detail.

They couldn't confirm a definite day or slot as we were in at the weekend so I now have to make sure I fast as of midnight and have nothing, not even water from 6am. I have to call first thing tomorrow to check if they have a slot for day surgery so I can have the op. The doctor seemed to think if not tomorrow then Tuesday afternoon.

I have a million and one thoughts going through my head right now. 

What if something goes wrong
What if it doesn't work
What if they damage something
What if I get told I can't have children
What if I have complications from this cyst 
What if I get DVT or similar (I'm already being paranoid today that my legs feel weird)
Will I get an infection from the op or in general from the remains inside me (baby would've died 8 weeks+ ago now within me)

And just general fears of going into hospital in general.

My parents and my fiancé have been so so supportive as always. I honestly couldn't ask for more. 

I've been reading the leaflet of what to take/do before to prep for the op.

I'm petrified of needles etc and yesterday after having an internal scan I then had to have a blood test, urine sample (so they could do a pregnancy test to check if the HCG hormone is still showing) and swabs for pre-op checks. I imagine there'll be more tomorrow.

It even feels weird having taken off all my nail polish on my toes and fingernails. 

I know for instance I'll be put to sleep and they do this through a needle in your hand. 

In the grand scheme of things it is day surgery and the op takes about 15-20 minutes. If no complications I should be out the same day. I'm sure to others who've had ops and more I sound a right wuss. But I can't stop thinking about it.

It all just seems so cruel. Not only did we have to find out on 1st May our first ever child, my first ever pregnancy, our baby together was not alive. Now I've had four weeks of these awful physical symptoms and emotional heartache and all over the place hormones. And even after getting through that it's still not the end and now I need an op and recovery and more getting through things. 

I really do wonder what we've done to deserve this. I can't help wondering why us. There are so many people I know who go through this, but there are so many people right now expecting babies and all is well. Why did our Little Seed have to be one of the statistics? 

Right now I know I need to be strong and focus on after the op and think positively that it will work and we will be able to move forward and my health will finally start to return to normal. 

The longer this goes on though the more I question how much stronger I can be

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