So, Saturday saw us return to our local hospital and the now well-known early pregnancy ward we are all too familiar with nowadays.
As I've blogged before, I am sure at some point I'll want a good rant and to blog about our experience with our local hospital and the NHS, but I will leave that to another day (each time we visit I have another hoard of bad things to list unfortunately).
This was our appointment for an internal scan to confirm if the medical management route had been successful. I had mixed thoughts already about this:
It may help us gain some form of closure
I would be devastated as it could confirm my baby was definitely and finally gone
I was worried they would say it hadn't worked and I needed an op
They would find some kind of problem like an infection or similar
As it turned out they did find a few things. They confirmed there were no remains of our baby (which for the last day or two I found has helped my emotions somewhat). However, there is still some 'items' internally which my body has not expelled for whatever reason! (The irony at how good my body is at holding on to things doesn't fail to frustrate and upset me daily after what has happened - often people say a miscarriage can happen if the body views it as a foreign item and tries to get rid of it).
At this point I was not offered an op as what is left is small - but of course needs to get out - I was told to either wait two weeks naturally and come back or to take the medical management tablets yet again. We went for the tablets to try speed things up, and after many hours at the hospital we then headed home to start the horrific experience we'd been through the fortnight before.
We also need to return to the hospital and that ward yet again in another 2 weeks to check everything is finally gone, if not they will have to consider 'other options'.
Thankfully this time round the pain - although awful - is not as bad and the other symptoms are nowhere near the same.
Each step of this is mixed, there is always a down if there is some form of up. I was starting to try and take some form of control on the situation (those who know me know I'm a control freak!) and so I can't control how quickly my body deals with this, I can't control the emotions (a great example of this is the manic laughing-crying-laughing situations that have occurred at times with my partner). However, I could control my food intake and trying to get back in shape (I had put on a lot from the first week or more of gorging on bad food, not much sleep and lying in bed at home). I'm determined to stick to my healthy eating as surely that should help both physically and emotionally. Yet again though, the down, I'd forced myself to try the gym towards the end of last week in a bid to try become a bit more 'normal' and 'me' again. Not allowed, the hospitals have told me I'm not to go to the gym, the most I should try is walking outside and I need to rest.
I must admit that knocked me as it was something I was doing to try gain back control and feel better. There seems to be this constant clash between your emotions and physical side being mismatched.
Since blogging and sharing - as I spoke about last time - I have found some more people have got in touch with similar experiences and I've also discovered yet more people through people I know who've been through miscarriage. It saddens me how many people go through this and how little it's talked about. That's why it's so nice for me to get comfort from others and to hear from other people too now who are going through or had similar experiences.
I did manage to (eventually) make a family party for our nephew's 1st birthday yesterday and spent time around more than a couple of people and non-family members (a first so far) and I was around babies and children.
So the appointment was not the closure we'd hoped for and the journey still continues, I had a bad night last night and today my energy levels are pretty low and I have some pain. But no tears yet today, so I'll take that for now.