In remembrance of our Little Seed

A super secret we'd been keeping, so excited about you

Weirdly I kept constantly worrying, was this all too good to be true

Things started to change and you felt more real

Your body changes quickly, but your heart takes so much longer to heal

We'll never forgot that moment, what should have been so great

Finding out instead it was all bad, so wrong, your sad fate

It feels such a long journey we've been on

Still each day feels so sad that you are gone

People start forgetting, moving on, seems so long ago

Not to us, neverending love and loss, remembering you, we'll always know

Right now I would have been on maternity leave

We would've been counting down to meeting you, not having to grieve 

In less than a month you'd be here

Making our life complete, our first baby, so dear 

Tonight we light a candle at 7 just for you

We will always love you, remember and miss you too

All those people out there who too have loved, lost and grieve

It's so sad how many have been through it, so hard to believe 

I salute you all who've made it through 

More than once, at later stages and more, something nobody should ever have to do 

Thanks go to our friends and family who've been so strong for us

Always there and ready to listen, not thinking we're just making a fuss

All the flowers, cards and thoughts we got back in May

Proved to me just how much our Little Seed would've been loved each and every day 

So on this day of remembrance we light this candle for you 

For our eternally loved first child who never made it through 

For all those others like us who know how it truly feels 

Maybe never born but still oh so very real 

Little Seed we love you and always forever will 

One day I hope your brother/sister will come, you'll always be there and remembered of course still 

Rest in peace and watch over us our angel baby

We loved you and always will, love your Mummy & Daddy xxx

Nobody knows

Nobody knows

A birthday thought

Nobody knows how much I miss you

How empty I still feel

Nobody knows the daily struggle and heartache

The fact I was ever pregnant no longer seems real

Nobody knows I'm changed forever

You're imprinted on my soul and heart

Nobody knows the overwhelming feelings

How much I loved you already right from the start

Nobody knows the envy 

The hurt and anger that hits me everyday 

Everybody else has got their wish

How comes it was only us that had to experience that godawful day

Nobody knows how hard each event now is 

Yet another painful blow 

Nobody knows each occasion a reminder of loss

What we had, how we miss you so

Nobody knows how short it seems since we lost you

Yet how long it feels to wait 

Nobody knows I'll never be 'over it'

So much emotion, anger, jealousy, hurt and hate

Nobody knows what I think of every minute of every day

What should and could have been

Taken away from us the memorable experiences and happy times, precious moments we should have seen

Nobody knows the struggle is endless

It can't be brushed aside 

You can't put a label on it, from these constant reminders you cannot hide 

Nobody knows I'm exhausted and empty, 

The brave face and positivity such a tiring strain

Reliving those moments and realising the reality again and again 

Nobody knows today on my birthday, what should be a happy time

Celebratory messages and wishes galore

The rain mimics my tears over what was mine

I will always love you, miss you and want a new you for forever more 

Rest in peace my darling Little Seed

Please one day soon come back to me

We love each other so much as a two but we're so ready to be a three

Counting away the days

Reminders reminders everywhere

Full flowing tears coming back and that stare

Everyone around seems to be having a baby

Ads, TV programmes, friends, all the picture of a happy family

Missing my Little Seed even more, that empty feeling even stronger inside

I thought I’d nearly reached the end of this emotional rollercoaster ride

Returning to work, people being nice, but I’m shocked how tired I seem

Just can’t believe it’s all real, life has gone and smashed our dream

Realising at this point it’d be the halfway mark

Right now we should be happy, having another scan, not in a world so cruel and dark

That desperate need to be a Mummy and having that little bump

Instead feeling lost, confidence blown, feeling a big fat lump

Getting nervous over the most basic day to day things

I thought the real me was back, until again started this sad daydreaming

People counting down, it was so long ago,

Surely she’s better and moved on? It’s forever, do they not know

That little life that ended all too soon, never to make it into our arms and world

A memory box is all that we have and my instinct our baby was a boy not a girl

Celebrating special events with loved ones are all too bittersweet

Reminders of where we should or could have been, fitting into our lifeplan all nice and neat

Instead seeing others with what we were meant to have, although of course happy for them too

Every day every night that slap in the face, trampling on your heart, it’s no longer that way for you

Moving forward and having good times again, feeling life maybe has some meaning for now​

Yet then you’re suddenly down and questioning and crying and grieving, such a dive, how?

Up and down, smiles then frown, sparks back in your eyes then teardrops

Feeling until you have that baby, maybe this will never stop?

Some relief

This time last week I was being discharged from hospital after my op - the ERPC, surgical management or D&C - whatever you want to call it.

Thank goodness the op seems to be slowly bringing me back to me again and helping us try move forward from this hell we've been experiencing.

I was petrified when I found out I had to have the operation, especially after two lots of medical management (the tablets). 

As I tried to get my head round the idea I did try to tell myself this could be it, this could be the only way now to really stop the physical side and help me and my fiancé to move forward. 

Thank goodness, 1 week on and I feel like the op has been the answer. Yes I've still got a way to go in some aspects, but it seems to be doing what it should. 

Yes, I'm furious the hospital and NHS in general didn't support me more (although on op day they were great) and that if things had been clearer I could have had this op done weeks ago and skipped weeks of this nightmare (the physical side at least). 

For now though I'm thankful it seems to have worked. It's time to focus on me and my fiancé, attempting to get more 'normal' again and remembering our Little Seed and holding him/her in our hearts always and forever.

Lovely words - the right time

I heard some really interesting words from a pregnant mother in the EPU recently.

She'd had four miscarriages, her fifth baby survived, she was now pregnant again (just shy of 20 weeks).

Talking of miscarriages she said: 

I think it's the same baby coming back to you until it's the right time [for them to be with you and for their health and development].

I thought that was a lovely way to think of it and look forward to a time when Little Seed returns and it is their right time xx

Ups and downs

So it's now 25 days. I can't believe I've spent nearly the whole month of May off work and dealing with what's happened. 

I'm still dealing with it and our lives are still deeply impacted by our loss.

I know we're never going to 'get over' this and it'll be an experience we'll never forget. This will always be with us. But rightly so, I don't want to forget our first child.

However, slowly but surely I think I'm having more and more better days.

My only wish now is desperately praying the physical side is going to stop some point soon.

My emotions can still change at any time, but I'm definitely crying less. And today even I cried happy tears.

One big change this week has been I've started to read again. Those who know me know I'm a real bookworm and I couldn't believe it when I lost all interest in books and reading. Yes, I am finding it harder to concentrate and am reading slower than I did. However, I did get some sort of enjoyment from reading.

Other little steps have been to do small things on my own - yes they were just to walk to our doctors round the corner, or the shops or my parents. I've done it on my own though and have had a couple of days where I've spent a good few hours at home on my own. This is a pretty big step really when I think about it since I couldn't bear to be apart from my fiancé before.

Due to the physical side still ongoing I'm still very tired and needing to rest a lot which at times I've found frustrating. 

I can't gym, but I can go for walks and I've been trying to make a start on our garden. Although I do need to remember my limits right now else I end up not feeling great.

Another step this week has been to finally see a friend. So far it's been close family only - my parents and my fiance's family. I actually found the experience did me good. 

Seeing anyone non-family on my own without my fiancé though still feels a step a bit too far. 

I also had my hairdresser over to dye my roots. It may sound vain, but it has helped my confidence slightly to have those grey and white hairs that had appeared hidden away. 

I've also collected a photobook today which I had made of memories of Little Seed which I plan to keep in a keepsake box of our little one. 

On Saturday I have another follow up scan to see if this second set of medical management has worked. I really feel I need that appointment to go 'well'. 

I continue to get comfort from other people in similar situations, people who've been through this in the past, my fiancé and family members, seeing the lovely flowers people continue to send and the photobook today brought happy tears. 

So although it feels a long way to go still, I'm finally feeling like I'm starting on that journey forward. Keep everything crossed for me this physical part starts to stop soon! 

Good bad, happy sad

One good day, one bad

Feeling slightly happy, then sad

Thinking I'm a little better yesterday

Down, hurt, angry and tired today

Alternate days see me smile, then cry

One day getting out, the next just asking why

Sometimes happy for others and coping around children or a baby

Others jealous of announcements and upset why it's not me

Then pains seem to ease, hot water bottle put aside

Now aches, cramps and more, at home I just want to hide

Emotions start to settle, not so many tears

Then it flips and I feel I could cry non-stop for years

Things start to make me smile and perhaps laugh or smirk

Next minute completely low and can't face seeing people or going back to work

Social plans start to crop up again in my memory 

A day later no interest in anything in the future, no fun or mixing for me

You feel you're starting to move forward and start to become yourself, well in the main 

Awake the next day, see a scan, baby, bump or similar and back to square one again 

One day it must get better, this logically somewhere in my head I know

But when will my emotions and physical side match again though? 

Even ideas to try again, could we have another Little Seed?

Physical symptoms keep putting any idea of a stop to that, how will we ever succeed? 

The good must outweigh the bad sometime in the future I guess

For now, I just wish life and nature would give my mind and body a rest 

The journey continues

So, Saturday saw us return to our local hospital and the now well-known early pregnancy ward we are all too familiar with nowadays.

As I've blogged before, I am sure at some point I'll want a good rant and to blog about our experience with our local hospital and the NHS, but I will leave that to another day (each time we visit I have another hoard of bad things to list unfortunately).

This was our appointment for an internal scan to confirm if the medical management route had been successful. I had mixed thoughts already about this:

It may help us gain some form of closure
I would be devastated as it could confirm my baby was definitely and finally gone
I was worried they would say it hadn't worked and I needed an op
They would find some kind of problem like an infection or similar

As it turned out they did find a few things. They confirmed there were no remains of our baby (which for the last day or two I found has helped my emotions somewhat). However, there is still some 'items' internally which my body has not expelled for whatever reason! (The irony at how good my body is at holding on to things doesn't fail to frustrate and upset me daily after what has happened - often people say a miscarriage can happen if the body views it as a foreign item and tries to get rid of it).

At this point I was not offered an op as what is left is small - but of course needs to get out - I was told to either wait two weeks naturally and come back or to take the medical management tablets yet again. We went for the tablets to try speed things up, and after many hours at the hospital we then headed home to start the horrific experience we'd been through the fortnight before.

We also need to return to the hospital and that ward yet again in another 2 weeks to check everything is finally gone, if not they will have to consider 'other options'.

Thankfully this time round the pain - although awful - is not as bad and the other symptoms are nowhere near the same.

Each step of this is mixed, there is always a down if there is some form of up. I was starting to try and take some form of control on the situation (those who know me know I'm a control freak!) and so I can't control how quickly my body deals with this, I can't control the emotions (a great example of this is the manic laughing-crying-laughing situations that have occurred at times with my partner). However, I could control my food intake and trying to get back in shape (I had put on a lot from the first week or more of gorging on bad food, not much sleep and lying in bed at home). I'm determined to stick to my healthy eating as surely that should help both physically and emotionally. Yet again though, the down, I'd forced myself to try the gym towards the end of last week in a bid to try become a bit more 'normal' and 'me' again. Not allowed, the hospitals have told me I'm not to go to the gym, the most I should try is walking outside and I need to rest.

I must admit that knocked me as it was something I was doing to try gain back control and feel better. There seems to be this constant clash between your emotions and physical side being mismatched.

Since blogging and sharing - as I spoke about last time - I have found some more people have got in touch with similar experiences and I've also discovered yet more people through people I know who've been through miscarriage. It saddens me how many people go through this and how little it's talked about. That's why it's so nice for me to get comfort from others and to hear from other people too now who are going through or had similar experiences.

I did manage to (eventually) make a family party for our nephew's 1st birthday yesterday and spent time around more than a couple of people and non-family members (a first so far) and I was around babies and children.

So the appointment was not the closure we'd hoped for and the journey still continues, I had a bad night last night and today my energy levels are pretty low and I have some pain. But no tears yet today, so I'll take that for now.

Two weeks

This week my baby would have been 14 weeks. We would've shared our happy news and surprise with everyone by now - work, family and friends.

Instead we're two weeks on from what right now feels like the worst day of my life. 

Friday 1st May 2015, when we went for what should have been our first scan, the 'safe' 12 weeks stage, we found out something very different.

Despite me having had no signs or symptoms (and just relieved to have reached 12 weeks!) the sonographer couldn't find a heartbeat and on measuring apologised and told us our baby had no heartbeat and judging by size it had died at around 8 weeks. 

A second lady came in to double check and confirm. 

I will never forget that scan experience for as long as I live. Me realising something was wrong as it was quiet, my partner concentrating on looking for something to see on the screen. 

1 in 4 women suffer a miscarriage, it is so very common in the first 12 weeks. I'd had a missed miscarriage (where the baby dies but you have no symptoms and the foetus remains within you), this apparently is a 1 in a 100 scenario. 

Images of scan photos tear me apart right now and just take me straight back to that room and moment. 

Another time I'll go into the whole NHS thing and how we were treated in our local hospital and what truly happens. How they make you feel. How they deal with you.

Im also considering sharing the experience of the route we went down (and are currently still going through now) called Medical Management. I've soon realised people don't talk about these things and you don't truly know what to expect. People think it's not something too big to get over as the 'baby' never truly existed, legally they don't exist and they weren't in the world as a human being outside of your body. 

The description given at the hospital was nowhere near what really happens. And after what I went through physically I know I would've appreciated being prepared (thank goodness for those close to me who have been through similar before as they've been priceless in their help, support and knowledge). 

It's only the second Friday since this happened, but I really wonder when I will ever again be able to get through a Friday morning without seeing that time 10.36. The timestamp on the only scan/photo we'll ever have of our first baby. Our scan was due at 10.05 and they were late and had kept us waiting, the time we went in was around 10.25 and our hearts were broken and our world destroyed in what must have been around 10 minutes of time. 

Not knowing what to think or do at the time, I'm now so glad we agreed to the scan photo we were given. At least we have something of our Little Seed.

We've had some absolutely amazingly supportive friends and family. 

Disappointingly we've also unpleasantly experienced the opposite in some rare cases too. Both our workplaces have been patient and kind. 

I wonder on a Wednesday if I'll ever make it through a whole day without thinking that was my new week marker day. When I'd check my Pregnancy App in secret on my commute to work or lunchbreak and look what to expect that week and the size that little person inside me now was. The progress they were making. 

My partner has seen a big change in me in this fortnight. I guess I can see some changes myself - being able to actually get out of bed (through pain/exhaustion as well as emotion) is a start!

Key milestones for me have been actually getting up and washed and dressed, that time I managed to put on makeup and even once paint my nails! That first step out the front door after days. Then gradually building up to some walks in our local country park. This week even I've made myself go to the gym (something I seem to be suffering for today somewhat though), I've decided to start eating healthy again and try exercise where I can in a bid to feel better and gain confidence again in my body. 

There are many awful side effects of the medicine and going through this, not least your body taking its time to realise you've lost the baby and your hormones need to return to normal (including your bloated and protruding lower stomach). 

In all honesty I don't feel I know my body right now, it's not mine. All it's been through and how I could carry something for 4 weeks and not know in any way it had died. I feel very out of touch with my body and right now I cannot stand how it looks and what it's going through. 

I can only hope trying to stop bingeing on junk to fill the void will at least help my body heal and get various parts of me fit and healthy. 

I've still not been brave enough to see anyone other than my partner, close family and the doctor. 

Time, time is what it takes I've been told and deep down I know this. When your body and emotions constantly clash and are at a mismatch this is very hard. I'm impatient as it is, let alone now.

Tomorrow we have a scan. A scan to check the medication has worked and - to be blunt - make sure there are no remains in my womb of what was a pregnancy. 

This feels a key marker in this tragic journey and I hope one that helps us move forward somewhat. I can only beg it doesn't reveal more issues or more procedures needed. 

To those of you who read this blog - whether as a regular reader or someone new. If you don't want to read this content or it brings you down, please feel free to hit close and don't read the blog for the timebeing. 

Those of you who have visited as new and have gone through similar or know someone who has I hope reading some of this helps in some way. 

I've found great comfort in sharing my thoughts briefly so far, alongside those close to me who have been there every day without fail with their messages and support. In addition reading others experiences, sayings or quotes and joining with others through various means - whether that be a Tweeter, an Instagram member or a blogger - have also helped me not feel so alone in my thoughts and experiences. 

It is not a cry for help or attention. I've got my fantastic fiancé who is like no other, true friends and close family to help see me through this and offer their support, love and friendship. 

But sometimes in a society where miscarriages (especially 'early' ones) are kept so quiet, the health service offers little support or information (in mine and some others' experiences) and where unless you've been through it you never really know, sometimes you do need strangers to write/speak to and other means of grieving and working through your physical pain and emotional anguish.

I would hope people reading this respect that and either relate or understand. If you don't and you'd rather not read my blogs for now, again that's your choice. 

For now, whilst it continues to aid me - and I hope others - I'm going to try use my love of writing to get me through. My love of reading seems to have gone for now, I hope it will come back soon. 

To those of you already who have helped me - in whatever way - thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

Tiny step by tiny step, day by day, hour by hour, things are changing and thanks to those who've been through it and have chosen to share too, I know there are more positive days ahead, the old me is there somewhere and will return and my thoughts and body will feel mine once more. 

One Week On

A week since we found out we'd lost you

It feels like mere moments we've been through

The rollercoaster ride continues, small improvements then massive drops

Emotions constantly changing, the heartache tears, anger and hurt never stops

Starting to see small positives in those around us

Friends, family, work all supporting and there to make a fuss

Such kind words, thoughtful touches, gifts and offers of helping hands 

Truly appreciating all we have, even those we thought maybe were not part of our life plans 

Truly thinking of ways to remember our Little Seed

So grateful of those who've been there in our worst moment of need

Sharing experiences with those who've been through this same hell

At times surprised by some who I thought I knew well

Not trusting my thoughts, feelings or body, time to time 

Trying not to jump to conclusions, knowing not all impressions are truly mine

My love for my partner continues to grow and grow

His kindness, support and never-ending giving means more than you could know 

Truly learning for the first time to put me at the number one spot

So many lessons from this harrowing experience I feel I've got

That empty feeling I doubt can ever be filled, I can't believe anymore tears could exist within me

I'll always miss and love our Little Seed, though I hope in time we will be able to have another baby 

It would be truly, loved, wanted like no other

But wouldn't be our first baby, but Little Seed's sister or brother