Remembering forgetting

As a keen reader I’ve started as I mean to go on and three weeks into the year I’ve nearly finished reading my third book.

This fictional piece is a dark tale about a female victim of a stalker, not the happiest of reads. It is similar to the likes of Gone Girl though and so I’m interested to see how it ends now.

However, my prior two books – fiction again – have been a bit more thought provoking. They again were hard to read – not because they are dark, but because both cover difficult topics.

One, The Last Days of Rabbit Hayes follows the journey of an middle aged woman who is dying from cancer and her last week with her family and friends, looking back on her life (not as morbid as it may sound!) The other Elizabeth Is Missing introduces the reader to Maud, an old lady who suffers from dementia.

Both have touched me, as you’d imagine the first really helps you put things in perspective and value life and how short it is, the second was at times painful as it brought back memories of one of my relatives.

One of my grandparents, my Mum’s mother, known to me as Nanny Rhoda, had Alzheimer’s Disease and the wonderful way Elizabeth is Missing is written it almost made me feel I could peek into how her mind must have been running.

I know of other different relatives who were struck with this cruel illness and also relatives of friends.

Of course no illness is nice to have and if someone is deteriorating or dying it’s horrendous for their loved ones, but there’s something about losing the person in front of you whilst they are still alive that hits so hard.

It’s interesting the different ways it impacts individuals too, some people forget their nearest and dearest, others turn violent, most people seem to revert back to their past.

And what is the right way to deal with it? Should you play along with the person who thinks they’re a little girl again or are living somewhere where they grew up? Or should you correct them and explain who everyone is and where they are now?

I often wonder if they will ever find a way to cure people with the illness or do we just have to accept that for some that traumatic and confusing journey is a fact of life that’s just going to happen?

Why is it some people get it and others don’t?

I guess I’ve also been thinking about it more of late since a relative sadly passed away at the start of this year. He was actually my grandmother’s brother and Alzheimer’s really hit him hard. It seems people get so bad you end up feeling that passing on is in actual fact a blessing as they’re not really themselves and don’t have a good life anymore. I know some have said they felt they said their goodbyes to the person way before they died as they weren’t themselves for so long.

It seems often in hindsight that people have displayed signs for quite some time – I can remember Nanny Rhoda forgetting people’s names and we in fact used to tease her, it would be a running joke. Now looking back you feel awful as that was probably in fact the warning signs it started.
In the book Maud has carers come to visit and she has a pile of notes to remind her to eat/not eat/not leave the house etc. It again reminded me of Nanny Rhoda, when she started to get bad and was still living at home along, miles from where the rest of us live. She’d forget to eat but tell the carers she had eaten, as she simply couldn’t remember.

Unfortunately she had to go into a care home, I can remember visiting her there and it was hard I won’t lie. Christmas mornings would be standing in the care home amongst other people, trying to be festive and cheerful. We tried having days where she’d come out for family gatherings, but again she would get so worked up (where she was used to the care home routine) it was kinder to stop.

I often remember – and still have – a photo album I made for her. A memory book of sorts which had labelled photos of who was who to help remind her and prompt her thinking. On the board by the dining room it would say what meals the residents had eaten and whenever you asked Nanny Rhoda what she’d have it’d be some made up meal and not really what she’d experienced. She just couldn’t remember.

Imagine, imagine every day waking up and within minutes forgetting what’s going on, where you are, why you are there? Thinking things that happened to you years back only just happened and having to relive certain traumatic times too I imagine.

I’m pretty forgetful now and I admit at times I do start to worry, maybe I will take the same path. It is such a painful illness to go through when it affects your loved one, but if you yourself have Alzheimer’s or a form of dementia how completely confusing or frightening must your life become?

What a cruel way to have to live.

I don’t have any grandparents left now, my first Granddad passed away when I was at secondary school, the second when I was still relatively young, my first Grandma when I was at University and Nanny Rhoda who I’ve referred to since I’ve been older.

So if you’ve still got your grandparents cherish them and make the most of them. I admit I get very envious of friends who talk about their grandparents, it feels I’ve not had any for so long now. You won’t believe how much you take them for granted until they’re no longer here, or if they are here but are not who they used to be. It’s not nice.

I apologise if this post is somewhat depressing and morbid to read. I guess reading these books and recent conversations has bought a lot to the surface and ironically made me remember things.

For now I guess it’s sad but true, we just have to accept this illness is here and pretty common, so in the meantime I’m going to try do something about it. I’ve already started researching, but I think this year I’m going to try take part in some sort of event – maybe the Alzheimer’s Society Memory Walk – watch this space.

Busy Bookworm

I last blogged about my reading antics in January. I'd read 4 books.

Now we're in May and I'm onto my 17th read.

Surely I don't need to say it, but I love reading. I find it's truly one of the things that can really relax me.

Whether reading before I go to sleep to unwind and make me sleepy, on a break from work or on the commute to make me switch off. 

I've read a mixture of books over the last few months - some I downloaded on my Kindle, those I'd been recommended by others and also books leant to me. 

I may start blogging after each read again, we shall see. 

For now here's a very quick summary:

The Hidden Cottage by Erica James

Disgrace by J.M. Coetzee

The White Witch of Rosehall by Herbert G. De Lisser

Vivien's Heacenly Ice Cream Shop by Abby Clements 

And The Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini

Doctor Sleep by Stephen King

My James: The Heartrending Story of James Bulger by His Father by Ralph Bulger, Rosie Dunn

Shopping, Seduction and Mr Selfridge by Lindy Woodhead

12 Years A Slave by Solomon Northup

The Never List by Koethi Zan

The One Plus One by Jojo Moyes

Apple Tree Yard by Louise Doughty

The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

Longbourn by Jo Baker 

Cold Killing by Luke Delaney

Don't Let Me Go by Susan Lewis

14 were fiction 

2 were non fiction

I'm now on to book number 17 The Casual Vacancy by J.K. Rowling, which I've heard very mixed reviews about. 

Any recommendations of new reads I should try let me know! 

Baby Bulger: never forgotten

I can clearly remember as if it was yesterday when a small child went missing and was found murdered.

I was 9 years of age and yet now at 31 I still have the CCTV image from a Merseyside shopping centre fresh and clear in my head whenever I think of the incident.

On Monday I started to read a book which touched my heart, brought me close to tears, made me feel physically ill and furious. I read the book on my Kindle literally on my commute to and from work, on my lunchbreak and briefly before I went to bed. I finished it yesterday (Wednesday) evening on my way home.

The book? ‘My James: The Heartrending Story of James Bulger by His Father’. A piece of writing detailing the awful events of February 1993, describing the wonderful young child that was James, the huge impact the hideous incident had on the family and friends and the infuriating court battles and treatment the Bulger family faced.

For those that are not familiar, James Bulger went missing after mere seconds of his mother letting go of his hand in the butchers at a Liverpool shopping centre. What followed was infamous CCTV footage showing the 2 year old being led by the hand out of the complex by some young boys. The days after then turned into – for me – the most shocking of child murders in this country.

These two 10 year old boys abducted, sickeningly tortured and murdered the innocent toddler, leaving his small battered body on a train track to be run over.

I wanted to read the book as it has always been something close to my heart and as I’ve since explained to others I’ve never really forgotten what happened. It has always stuck with me and brought about extreme emotions. Whether this is because I was a similar age to the killers at the time I don’t know, but I feel I will never forget this awful tragedy and in turn the way the murderers were treated.

Ralph Bulger, the father of baby James, writes with complete honesty and I completely respected his style and approach – telling it like it is. No airs and graces, nor saying what people would feel is most politically correct. Like everyone I imagine, I’ve always felt for him and the family, but I respected him even further on reading the book.

I was very angry and disgusted at the time of the murder. On reading more details on what exactly the two ‘monsters’ inflicted on their victim I was even further sickened.

Time and time again I found myself infuriated, well, livid, at how obvious it was the boys knew they were doing wrong (psychological reports proved it) and there was no question they were the two individuals who had committed the acts.

So why were their rights such a big issue? Why was there any question whether to keep them locked up indefinitely?

In my mind, if you are capable of committing such atrocities you forego your rights and your age is irrelevant. This is not a case of a bit of a bicker/playground fight which went wrong by accident after all.

Going on to be reminded what happened around the time was harrowing enough, but when I read more detail from Ralph and his brother Jimmy on what they endured and moreover the lack of support they got from the legal system and authorities, it left me furious and saddened by how the country treated them.

The whole handling of the case and the victim’s family’s wellbeing really does seem to have been appalling.

Although it is so hard to read (seems ridiculous and offensive to say that when you think what the family went through!) I really would recommend people read this book. Ralph is honest, brave, down to earth and finally trying to rebuild his life all these years later.

A mix of personal anecdotes, excerpts from articles and court reports, honest additions by Jimmy and photos – you do feel really immersed in what happened.

I warn you though this will stay with you and will consume your thoughts. I thought I was upset at the time and angered? It’s all come flooding back yet again.

The quite frankly ‘joke’ of anonymity, the releases, the reoffending and child pornography case in later years. It leaves me reeling.

The heartbreaking thing about all this is that it’s all true and an innocent beautiful little baby boy died for no reason and in a horrendous way, regardless of age, court processes or rights.

Venables and Thompson took away any rights James Bulger had, so you tell me how in any shape or form is there any slight minute reason to need to consider their rights and wellbeing?

Bookworm is back

I was talking to someone about how I haven't blogged in ages and decided as I finished my latest read on my lunchbreak I'd use my train journey tonight to blog instead.

So hello!

And sorry (again!) for the silence. 

My 2013 ended very happily (blog to follow!) and my 2014 is going to be rather hectic (to be continued) so I've been a bit tied up.

One thing I have had time for, on lunchbreaks, commuting and before going to sleep, is reading.

Yes I'm still an avid reader and so far this year I've completed four books.

Using one of my Christmas presents I downloaded quite a few books to my Kindle which I've had my eye on. So far this year my literary experience has been shaped by others though.

Three books from my Mum (yes I know how this always turns out) and one from a work colleague.

Two were typical chick lit trash easy reads. One was randomly a historical Jamaican fable from the 20s and the other a dark and serious award winning novel.

The Hidden Cottage

Disgraced

The White Witch of Rosehall

Vivien's Heavenly Ice Cream Shop

What a mix indeed.

And I'm sure you can tell what category each of them fits into by their title! 

I gave my Mum a Kindle as her main Christmas present so there'll be no more physical book swapping in the future anymore.

Though I'm sure there will be a couple she got as other festive gifts which will be heading my way at some point soon - not that I'm complaining.

I've enjoyed all four of my 2014 reads so far, each in their own way have offered me escape from reality (not that I want to escape real life right now at all!) 

Last year I managed to read a total of 35 books according to GoodReads, but to be fair I am pretty religious using the site/app so it's probably pretty accurate. Seems so few for someone who enjoys reading so much though?

I'm not sure what the next book will be but it'll definitely be of the e-read variety. I've not used my Kindle in so long I'm sure it'll take me a while to get used to it again, though I shan't miss the pain of lugging a big book and holding it/turning the pages admittedly.

Every time I read a book I had been blogging a review on here, but I grew conscious the blog was going too far in that direction and potentially I was boring people. If I do still have any loyal followers do let me know what you think!

Or in fact any other ideas for posts you'd like to see. Chances are using my current life and influences you'll be soon be seeing views and experiences on engagements, houses, weddings and the like. Don't say you weren't warned! 

Bookworm: One Hundred Names by Cecilia Ahern

If my last read made the reader feel a bit down, this book is definitely the tonic.

The perfect follow up to an emotionally draining read, One Hundred Names is a real feel-good tale.

Focussing on journalist Kitty Logan, the fictional story follows her journey as she tries to piece together the ultimate story her recently deceased best friend and colleague wanted to write. 

All she has are a list of 100 names and she needs to find out what connects them and what is the story. 

As is typical with Ahern, there are tough times and emotional tales to tell, but of course all must come good and have a happy ending. 

Yes some points may be cheesy and far fetched, but overall this is a lovely book to pick up your spirits and get you thinking of what's really important in life.

Good points

Feel good read

Easy read

Interesting characters

Leaves you guessing (what the link is)

Not so great

Often unrealistic/cheesy

Clever link but not as dramatic as people might have been expecting 

I have often liked books by this writer before for their feel good factor and heart warming approach and yet again Ahern hasn't failed to deliver!

Bookworm: Click Click by Joyce, June and Paula Kavanagh

After the success of reading Losing You by Susan Lewis, I decided to give another book lent from my Mum a go. Yet again, nothing too cheerful, in fact this time the subject matter was even more disturbing - child abuse.

As odd as it may seem over the years I've read a lot of books about neglected children, people with poor or awful upbringings and boys or girls who grew up with learning or mental health difficulties. I used to read so many of these books my boyfriend used to tease me for being a bit 'sick in the head'. However, although these books cover hard-to-read situations, they are interesting and inspiring when you hear how the person has survived and has made the most of their lives and helping others as a result.

Typically such stories are told in the past, you join the main character on their journey through life, their character gradually develops and your understanding of exactly what they went through increases. This book takes a slightly different approach.

Click Click is based on a large Irish family, in which many years ago a number of the female members fell victim to sexual abuse from their father. Disturbingly 'Click Click' comes about from the finger clicking that their Dad Kevin Kavanagh used to do signalling he wanted one of them to leave the room and come join him in secret for the latest episode of abuse.

The girls suffered in silence for many years at the hands of this obsessed paedophile who would take advantage of any situation it seems to abuse his young daughters (from a very young age).

As I mentioned I have read stories slightly similar in nature before, but never before have I read about these events and felt so sick. At times I actually felt ill and nauseous trying to digest the words in front of me. Horrendous does not even come close to what these women went through.

So what I find hard about this book is these women who went through the ordeal have been so so brave and have come through this horrific childhood to try and help others and over time develop into stronger women and closer sisters. In addition, they pressed charges against this man and also appeared in a TV documentary profiling the experience.

The book is written in a mixture of ways, some parts told through Marian Quinn sitting in on sessions with the sisters, other parts told in present day, some told in the past, the narrator is sometimes June, it could be Joyce or it may be Paula. Don't get me wrong the chapter/section title does signify who wrote that particular part. However, I found this does not ease the confusion.

As much as I think these women are wonderful and it breaks your heart to read of their lives, in terms of the actual book? I am not a fan. The writing approach was so confusing and I found I was getting lost who was speaking, the constant jumping about meant I couldn't really get into the time/story being told before someone else and their experience was slotted in.

I know that parts of the book are told through Marian to highlight the progress the sisters have made and the impact that certain events have had on their lives, not just the book. However, the italicised sections where Marian 'observes'made me feel detached from the experience and almost acting like a psychologist taking notes on their behaviour and attitude. I found these constant snippets away from what actually happened cut me off from the storytelling aspect and made the book more a selection of observations.

It may sound silly but I do find it hard to admit I didn't enjoy this book, I felt I wanted to and should feel the book was a massive success for the sake of the authors involved. I agree they all went through hell and have done well to come out the other side, but the book itself is definitely not for me.

Good points
Takes a different approach to other books to try to offer something new
Good intent and purpose behind the book

Not so great
Confusing writing style
More observational than storytelling

Overall as you have probably gathered I wasn't the world's number one fan of this non-fiction offering. The subject matter was disturbing yes, but the thing that made it more hard to read was the style in which it was written.

Bookworm: Losing You by Susan Lewis

Although this book was a rather chunky 600+ pages I finished it in a relatively short amount of time. A sign I often feel of a good book.

Lewis' fictional tale tells the story of two families. The wealthy Lomaxes, with arguing husband and wife Russ and Sylvie (mostly caused by her alcoholism) and their sons Charlie and Oliver. Then the Scott family single Mum Emma, ex husband Will and bright, intelligent Lauren their daughter.

One night changes everything and brings the two families together unexpectedly and not in the best of circumstances, but things don't end as you'd expect.

As I first started reading the book I found the style a tad typical of the genre and was concerned I'd be learning my lesson again - not to read books my Mum lends me!

However, I soon warmed to the easy to read style of writing and soon found myself pretty hooked on the story and what was to happen next.

Each of the characters in the book is well developed and have a strong definition to them. Some are likeable and others not so much, but they all have their own little story to tell.

The book did keep you guessing in certain situations, since some of the outcomes are shall we say a lot more unexpected than you'd think and dare I say if I'm honest unrealistic.

Good bits
Strong characters
Addictive reading
Easy to read
True escapism
Emotional

Not so great
Unrealistic and far fetched at times
Very cheesy outcomes
Quite basic writing style

In summary, I would recommend this book if you want something easy to read and like a bit of a tear jerker. There's nothing here that's going to stretch your mind or pass on a valuable message (other than the importance of family/support/belief). However, sometimes on the commute or whilst relaxing all you want is to switch off and to escape into somebody's else life. And for that? It's ideal.

Birthday books

There, I think I've done it. I think I've finished selecting my holiday reads for Thailand.

Whatever I'm doing throughout the year I love to read, on my break, when I go to bed at night, on the commute or relaxing on the sofa.

When it comes to holidays, nothing changes, I still want to read - and even better if I'm doing it on a lounger in the sun or lying on a golden beach with the sound of the sea lapping the shore behind me!

I tend to find I want easygoing reads on holiday, you're relaxing and having a break from real life after all. Anything which gives me a chance to escape, doesn't strain my sunbathing brain and has a good feeling to it tends to appeal.

This is going to be a first for me too as for once I'm actually going to take my Kindle away with me. No heavy paperbacks impacting on my luggage allowance, no I will have just my slim ebook reading device to hand instead.

Only thing is I kind of need to conquer my concerns with keeping my Kindle safe and clean. Yes I know the cover is there to protect it, but it's leather and smart and it's going to look such a mess if it has sand stuck to it and suncream greasy smears across it...

Kindle concerns aside, I've been having a think what I want to be reading as I'm flying to my birthday holiday destination, whilst I lie by the pool on Koh Samui and laze on the beach on Koh Phangan.

I've decided to stick with the easy read options and indulging in something perhaps set in a similar climate to where I'll be (a pattern I've also noted when I opt for travel fiction).

My four winners are

The Beach by Alex Garland (of course, how can I have seen the film, but not read the book AND be going to Thailand??)

How to be a Woman by Caitlin Moran (something to get me thinking, laugh and have some banter with my man)

Catching the Sun by Tony Parsons (embarrassingly yes the fact it's set in Thailand has influenced me!)

Winging it: A Tale of Turning Thirty by Elizabeth Lippens (well, I am reaching 30 and want someone to be there to relate to!)

Here's to an amazing holiday and hopefully some enjoyable reading experiences!

Barmy for books

This week I joined another social networking site and yet again I am becoming a tad hooked.

However rather than appealing for the nosey element of Facebook or the learning-more aspect of Twitter, this one pulls on my love of literature. Goodreads.com

This site - if you've not checked it out already - is brilliant for us bookworms. You can review items you've read, rate them, search the site's extensive list of books, make friends with others and see what they like to read and receive recommendations of your own on what to try next.

Whilst on Facebook you check in and update your status (usually of how drunk you are!) on GoodReads you update that you've started a new book, track your progress of reading and announce when you're finished and what you thought. You can even find information on related events and set yourself challenges.

I was only talking to a colleague recently about our love for books and reading. The way a good cover can grab me first before I'll check out the blurb on the back. How I tend to read on my commute into and back from work and often at night before I go to sleep.

It's amazing how a block of paper pages can make you feel - emotional at a sad story, satisfied on completing a chunky paperback, motivated after an inspiring item, excited about starting a book you've wanted to read for ages.

I'm still waiting to get back on my poor Kindle though. The mountain of books I was working through - lent to me by my Mum - had one item remaining. That is until I visited her last week and got given 3 or 4 more!

I'm pleased to be lent books and enjoy sharing but I've noticed the last few I've read I haven't exactly loved and they've not been ones I've picked.

However I'm hoping to break this patten with my newest addition SJ Watson's Before I Go To Sleep. I've been waiting to read this for a while so hopefully it's going to be a good one - I'll let you know.

Before I start it though I'm off to log my new book on the GoodReads App! Who knows whatever things I'll find you can do on there... We're due to go to the marathon expo today ready for marathon number two - London - tomorrow, but how I'm going to fit in going out after updating Facebook, Twitter and now GoodReads I don't know!

Bookworm: The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake by Aimee Bender

This book caught my eye a long while ago and after planning to put it on my Kindle, I found myself receiving the book as a Christmas present. The whole idea of a story looking at somebody being able to tell other people's emotions and in such an odd way as 'tasting' how their loved ones feel, really appealed to me.

Aimee Bender's book seemed so different to fiction I'd read before, but with slight hints of writers such as Jodi Picoult, Alice Sebold and Audrey Niffenegger. I was convinced I was going to love the story and find it a book I kept reading for years to come.

The story starts with the overall theme very quickly, focussing on the fact that after eating a piece of chocolate and lemon cake (does anyone else think this is an odd flavour/recipe in itself??) a young girl finds she can 'taste' what her mother is feeling.

As the book continues you learn more about an American family, the way they live and the secrets they are hiding. You follow Rose throughout her childhood and indeed her life and grow to understand how she copes with this 'talent' or 'curse' - depending on how you view such a feature.

I found the book intriguing and although it suggests an unbelievable and unrealistic situation, I felt myself eager to read more and caught up in the magic of it all. I wanted to learn what else Rose would find out and enjoyed the slightly 'odd' feel to the descriptions and characters involved.

However, what I found disappointing was the fact there weren't that many examples of Rose eating something and tasting the emotions of her family members. The main focus was on her mother, but then the book turns to other people and information on where foods themselves were made, which I didn't really understand.

Looking at the book in total I did enjoy reading it, but without spoiling the ending - I felt it got too far-fetched when it came to one character in particular. I think Bender could have focussed more on Rose's eating experiences when young and actual emotions she learnt or felt.

Good points
Offers something different
Interesting characters
Good escapism/magic feel
Keeps you interested

Not so great
Odd ending
Some parts don't really add up/make sense
One character and their 'talent' or 'curse' not very well explained and too far-fetched

So, give the book a go, I'm sure overall you'll enjoy it. Let me know if you've read anything else similar but which you feel works better. And if you do decide to read this food-themed fiction let me know if it leaves a bitter taste in your mouth or tickles your tastebuds!

Budding bookworm

I love love love books. I admit it, I am well and truly a bookworm!

Ever since I was young I’ve loved reading, it’s just the way you can escape into a book and how it can totally change your mood.

You can forget all your troubles and relax with an easy-read like some Chick Lit. Or how about a good old cry reading a nice weepy tearjerker. Learn more about your favourite celebrity or public figure in their autobiography. Or picture yourself in an exotic location, in another world, or step back into the past.

The sense of achievement reaching the end of a particularly taxing read, or on the other hand the annoyance when you’ve stuck with a bad book hoping for it to improve and it never does. Or how about when you’re so sure of the ending and then an amazing twist comes in and takes you by surprise.

It’s funny, an early childhood memory which I never forget is of being at junior school and we had an awards scheme called ‘Reading Aloud’. School pupils had to read their allocated book out to their parents each night or for so many hours per week.

Well for me this was no chore or ‘homework’, I loved to read and would be eager to get my books out when at home. As a result I regularly got the associated certificates and somewhere in with my bits and bobs (likely in my parents’ loft) I have a whole pile of them.

I’ve always loved to write too and from a very young age I was writing my own ‘books’ – various childlike stories and make believe newspaper articles. When my Dad got a video camera I was in my element – getting him to practice filming by taking me on camera reading out my ‘pretend’ news announcements!

Having always been teased for having my head in a book, I came to realise I’ve never really mentioned on this blog my love of reading. Similarly I’ve never mentioned books I’ve been reading.

Therefore I’ve decided that from now on as well as my mix of opinion pieces, random thoughts, short stories and poems, I am also going to bleat on about books!

Already at work I’ve found some colleagues who share my love of literature and I’m like my Mum’s very own mobile library the amount of paperbacks I recommend and lend to her! So I’m thinking by sharing my thoughts on here I can introduce others to books I like and also hopefully learn of some gems I’ve not yet discovered!

So get ready to hear more about my favourite fiction and check out some of my recommended reads…