You wonder

You wonder...

Why it happened to me

Why some people are so against people sharing their experience

What would’ve happened if it hadn’t happened

What sort of sibling you would’ve been

How different life would have turned out

Were you a boy or a girl?

My heart’s always felt boy

Why the world wasn’t ready for you right then

That bump

Those flutters 

That secret 

That sense of worry

That day

Those words

That void

That heartbreak 

That journey

Those tablets

That op

That torture

That loss

Those tears

That constant ache 

That dark time

That recovery 

Those walks

That gradual improvement

That mistrust of my body

That second chance

Those feelings 

That pregnancy 

That fear and concern

That happy time 

Those amazing moments to cherish

That rainbow baby

That new life

That rollercoaster ride

Those memories

That little girl

That chance of a sibling

That shock news

Those twins

That confusion

That final gratitude 

That constant wonder what if and why

Those three siblings and you

That memory, never to leave

That love for all but still that loss

All I ever wanted

All I ever wanted

All I ever wanted was to make my parents proud and do well

All I ever wanted was to be a Mum, a child to call my own 

All I ever wanted was to have a home - nothing fancy, but somewhere to be proud

All I ever wanted was to have someone to love, to love me

All I ever wanted was a happy life, nothing fancy, but to enjoy it 

All I ever wanted was the basics 

All I ever wanted was fairness

All I ever wanted was truth, trust

All I ever wanted was a true partner, to support each other and be a team

All I ever wanted was a little family to look out for one another 

I never wanted lies

I never wanted arguing

I never wanted the fancy things in life

I never wanted heartache and hurt

I never wanted to live a lie

I never wanted to struggle 

All I ever wanted was us

What I thought was us

What I thought we had

What I thought we would be

Now it’s just hurt anger lies and letdowns

It’s not all I ever wanted at all

Dark mornings, nights and days

Dark mornings, nights and days

When the light closes on another day

When yet again it ends with a sigh of dismay

As tired eyes can’t focus anymore

When energy is so low and raw

A constant weight upon the chest

Shoulders so heavy, needing a rest 

The heart throbs with a constant ache

When it feels it’s always take take take

Nothing left to try and fight

No longer knowing what’s really right 

That constant pulling further down

The smile well hidden behind a frown

Tightness in the head and neck

Feeling a complete and utter wreck

No idea what to do anymore

Those tense shoulders so on edge and sore 

Wondering about a way out

To stop the constant need to shout 

Nobody listening truly hearing the pain

Despite the hints at truth again and again

Is it all just emotive drama like a TV soap

Constantly wanting a fix, some sign of hope

Ups and downs, a rollercoaster ride

Just can’t do it anymore, just too tired 

How three little lives can stop those ideas

Keeping them happy and safe, hurting them the fear

Can’t be selfish nowadays on you they depend

So for now you continue and see no end 

MOTHERS DAY

Making sure everyone else is happy first

Often in old clothes despite the kids regular wardrobe updates 

Trying her best every day but always judging herself

Here for her family no matter what

Early mornings and busy days everyday for her

Ready to paint, sing, run round softplay, cuddle or change nappies always 

Softest touch and kindest smile 

Don’t ever judge each other, stick together, Mum life is hard

Also a blessing, those big eyes looking at you, those arms around you, the tiny hands in yours

Your turn to get spoilt today, you’re their world 

Mum friends

When I slump down on the sofa exhausted from the day 

As I hold my head in my hands, wiping tears away 

There you are to reach out to, in your calm and caring way 

When I’m feeling shame at how my child acts

And questioning myself at my approach to their answering back

There you are with your advice and thoughts, all handled with such tact 

When I feel so cruel for how much I now feel I shout 

As I stand in situations at times feeling the odd one out 

There you are with your comments, helping to reduce my doubts 

When I’m at my wits end, just tired of it all

As I don’t know where to turn and my world now feels so small 

There you are to build me up again, making me proud and tall

When I need to share some things that I worry may be judged by some

As I check my lists and fret over all I haven’t done 

There you are to tell me stories and remind me of things that are fun 

When my child does something of which I am so proud 

As I watch in delight at kind behaviour, lovely words said aloud

There you are to share it with and give praise too so loud 

When something gross happens that would make others feel sick

As I finish some soggy leftovers or help save those melting treats with a lick

There you are with your own tales and funny grotty tricks

When I feel bad at how I now feel and look 

As I note my new shape and the old me that motherhood took

There you are to compliment, remind me to relax, enjoy a treat or book 

When after bedtime I fancy a tasty glass of wine 

As I tuck into some fattening treat so divine 

There you are to support me and share too your naughty but nice lifeline

When I over analyse and question it all 

As I feel over that edge I’m about to fall

There you are at the end of a message, text or call 

Never judging a snack choice, outfit or parenting hack

Always there to support and have my back

Suggesting playdates to help suit me and my brood

Having a good laugh together, helping to brighten my mood

Never a competition about who’s done best 

Always making me feel with you there’s no chance you’ll ever judge, not like the rest 

You are the mum friend I trust 

I rely on and I need

When days are bad or I feel doubt

My worries and sad thoughts are soon freed

It just takes that one mum friend who truly gets you and how things are

Someone who’ll turn up at your door or offer support from afar 

In the form of playdates, lunches, sweets, messaging or wine 

We all need at least that one mum friend and I truly treasure mine 

A year of my gorgeous twins

As those words flickered up on the little blue test 

We didn’t realise then you were going to be different from the rest 

Feeling overwhelmed at another pregnancy 

Then the scan telling us there wasn’t just one baby 

Two babies, twins, two tiny foetuses inside

Very quickly forming a big bump, too big to hide

Your big sister then still a baby herself 

She used to kiss my tummy and check on your health 

Lots of scans and discussions and plans 

Wanting to force you into the world early, I wasn’t a fan

Worried about any risk to you

I agreed, I compromised, wanting the safest arrival for you two

My bump got so very big round and heavy 

Moving, even getting out of bed was very hard for me 

Waiting for you to arrive in hospital 

So much monitoring and kerfuffle

One of you already so cheeky, not wanting to be traced

People laughing at your tongue poking out as the scan showed a little face 

The moment you arrived seemed so quick and you were in a sudden hurry to be here 

On handing each of you to me holding you so near

So tiny and fragile, that perfect moment with you 

Experienced twice because there were two

You both fed together, cried and snuggled in

I’d been so nervous but your arrival felt like a lottery win

Learning to do everything twice 

Nappies, feeds, sleeping, double cuddles so nice
This year feels it’s flown by faster than the speed of light 

So minute and small, now already so strong and full of 
might 

Cute, tender touches, you’ve always got each other 

I’m so lucky I get to call myself your mother 

Double trouble, double the love and fun 

Double the cheekiness, double the mess, the laughs for everyone 

Individual characters that make up a perfect pair

Always a smile when you are there 

As you turn one know how much for you we care

One year of giggles, feeds, naps and more

You’ve completed our family, our twins we adore

Happy 1st Birthday Callum and Sophia

Each day our love for you just grows bigger and bigger 

Please slow down my baby

Seeing those words, that line, announcing you are there
Feeling those flutters within, making me aware

Watching as my bump grows and grows
An overpowering love, nothing else like it does anyone know

Then the day you officially appear on this earth
As they hand you to me, nothing else will ever match up to what you’re worth

Then just like that, it’s like someone takes over the clock
Time’s forever flying by, it just doesn’t stop - ticktock ticktock

Non stop firsts - smile, laugh, wave, tooth, crawl
Trying to record them, amazed and so proud of them all

Those adorable newborn features, a blink and you’re an infant now
Then turn around and a little toddler wow

Your skin still so soft, like the most expensive velvet or silk
Eating more and more, turning away more and more from just milk

Your huge pussycat eyes stare up into mine as you drink your bottle or nurse on my chest
Stroking, holding hands, cuddling, kissing, whatever you do, your little touch always feels the best

You once liked nothing more than to breastfeed from me
Then suddenly you stop, it’s like you no longer need Mummy

Starting to do more and more for yourself
Having to try teach you to listen to no, what’s right/wrong/good for your health

Becoming a Mum has been the most amazing thing to happen to me
But it’s also the toughest, it’s racing by way too quickly

When I picture you I will have the biggest smile even if before there was a frown
Life is zooming by, how fast you change, I wish I could slow it down

Nobody ever tells you how fast it goes
Nor how to stop it, how to slow down these precious moments nobody knows

You try to treasure it all despite the fast pace of life, always non stop
But sometimes it’s not possible, it feels like there’s so many balls to juggle, ready to drop

You’ll always be my baby to me, no matter how big you grow
But please slow down my baby, I love you more than you’ll ever know

In remembrance of our Little Seed

A super secret we'd been keeping, so excited about you

Weirdly I kept constantly worrying, was this all too good to be true

Things started to change and you felt more real

Your body changes quickly, but your heart takes so much longer to heal

We'll never forgot that moment, what should have been so great

Finding out instead it was all bad, so wrong, your sad fate

It feels such a long journey we've been on

Still each day feels so sad that you are gone

People start forgetting, moving on, seems so long ago

Not to us, neverending love and loss, remembering you, we'll always know

Right now I would have been on maternity leave

We would've been counting down to meeting you, not having to grieve 

In less than a month you'd be here

Making our life complete, our first baby, so dear 

Tonight we light a candle at 7 just for you

We will always love you, remember and miss you too

All those people out there who too have loved, lost and grieve

It's so sad how many have been through it, so hard to believe 

I salute you all who've made it through 

More than once, at later stages and more, something nobody should ever have to do 

Thanks go to our friends and family who've been so strong for us

Always there and ready to listen, not thinking we're just making a fuss

All the flowers, cards and thoughts we got back in May

Proved to me just how much our Little Seed would've been loved each and every day 

So on this day of remembrance we light this candle for you 

For our eternally loved first child who never made it through 

For all those others like us who know how it truly feels 

Maybe never born but still oh so very real 

Little Seed we love you and always forever will 

One day I hope your brother/sister will come, you'll always be there and remembered of course still 

Rest in peace and watch over us our angel baby

We loved you and always will, love your Mummy & Daddy xxx

One Week On

A week since we found out we'd lost you

It feels like mere moments we've been through

The rollercoaster ride continues, small improvements then massive drops

Emotions constantly changing, the heartache tears, anger and hurt never stops

Starting to see small positives in those around us

Friends, family, work all supporting and there to make a fuss

Such kind words, thoughtful touches, gifts and offers of helping hands 

Truly appreciating all we have, even those we thought maybe were not part of our life plans 

Truly thinking of ways to remember our Little Seed

So grateful of those who've been there in our worst moment of need

Sharing experiences with those who've been through this same hell

At times surprised by some who I thought I knew well

Not trusting my thoughts, feelings or body, time to time 

Trying not to jump to conclusions, knowing not all impressions are truly mine

My love for my partner continues to grow and grow

His kindness, support and never-ending giving means more than you could know 

Truly learning for the first time to put me at the number one spot

So many lessons from this harrowing experience I feel I've got

That empty feeling I doubt can ever be filled, I can't believe anymore tears could exist within me

I'll always miss and love our Little Seed, though I hope in time we will be able to have another baby 

It would be truly, loved, wanted like no other

But wouldn't be our first baby, but Little Seed's sister or brother 

Sometimes wonders

She sometimes wonders 

Why life is never simple

Why every year brings a new drama

What she's done wrong 

How other people seem to have the life they want

Why even the basics seem so hard

What she should do differently 

If things will ever be normal

Why life 'as a grown up' isn't at all like you think it is when young 

When compromise is going to stop and be the odd occurrence not common everyday 

How quickly life seems to pass by 

Is she just being dramatic

Why there's always ups and downs

Should she take control and change

Is she the one who needs to make it different  

Whether she just needs to reset on it all

She sometimes wonders...

More and more everyday 

Grass is always greener?

Live with someone cruel you wish they were kind

Have someone caring you miss the spark

Being with a worrier, if only they were laid back

Have someone relaxed, why don't they have more drive? 

You have a family, you miss a career

Progressing well at work, you long for a baby

Live in the city, you want the peace of the  country

Dwelling in a remote location you miss the convenience of somewhere built up 

Your friend wants your job

You want her engagement 

Carrying weight you want to be slim

A thinner build you envy other's curves 

Living in a flat you want to own a house

Running household chores you'd rather somewhere small

Winter time you long for the sun

In summer you want some more breeze

Cut your hair short, you miss your locks

Having a long style, it takes too long to dry 

Having a shower you miss the long luxurious lounge in a bath

Soaking under bubbles, you get restless and wish you'd had a quick shower

You go blonde, brunette seems to go with more

Dark hair you wish you had a bit more colour 

A career girl you yearn to be a Mum

Housewife you feel a prisoner at home 

Not wanting a child too young 

When older you envy those already with babies 

Wanting to think more in your job

With lots of responsibility you long for easier days 

Wishing for more money

Having more cash it's never enough 

Look forward to Christmas

Festive time comes you're saddened how fast the year has flown 

Feeling bored you haven't got many plans

A hectic schedule you wish for a break 

Why is it us humans always want what someone else has got? 

Why do we always need to be reminded that we always think the grass is greener on the other side? 

The Joys of Commuting

Shoulder barging, elbow digging, someone sitting over your side of the seat
Wide newspaper reading, super loud music listening, someone with something very smelly to eat

Rain blows across the platform, soggy umbrellas knock legs, sodden clothes and damp feet
Damp smells fill the carriage, your hair now windswept and wet, where it had been so neat

Treading on toes, knocking bags, rushing to get that seat first
People don’t move down the carriage or across the seats, lack of manners just gets worse

Tannoys announce more delays, service disruptions and cancellations
Trains stop on the tracks, making you late, everyone letting work know in phone conversations

People blocking station entrances, walking super slow along the platform, generally getting in the way
Trying to make that fast train, people bang into you, no apology or checking you’re okay

Huge sighs go out as the driver reveals passengers have set off the alarm, you stop on the track
People leaning into you more and more, it’s not a post to lean on, it’s my back!

Summertime, super sweaty trains, clammy skin touching yours, awful smells whatever the time of day
People feeling faint, the heat is so strong, people push on already-packed trains anyway

Coming home late at night with drunk people, fast food odours and rowdy crowds
Falling asleep, trying not to miss the stop, others shouting and singing so loud

Pleased to make the earlier train and looking forward to getting home early
Then you wait ridiculous amounts of time for a bus and end up later than you are usually

Businessmen selfish with their space and huge papers, workmen covered in dust and paint splattered overalls
Elderly people struggle to balance, pregnant women having to stand, no offers of seats or help at all

A new year approaches and brings with it news of an increase in travel fares
Nobody can understand it, no improvements evident anywhere

Settling down to read your book in peace, you’re joined by oddballs who won’t leave you alone
Nobody ever smiles at one another, all straight-faced or playing on their phone

Distracted Mums ignore the noise as their children scream and shriek
Earphones blare out too loud music and non-muted phones make noisy bleeps

Embarrassed to be seen by those you know, you become so moody on these journeys
Knowing exactly your spot to stand at and being sneaky to nab that seat in front of somebody

Then there’s that day you catch eyes with someone across from you and see a friendly smile
Something funny happens in the carriage and you end up speaking for a while

Someone lets you on in front or helps someone in need near to them
But that’s the odd day and then the moods and rudeness continue all over again

Lazy days in the park

With their heads held high, they gracefully glide across the rippling waters of the lake
Then upside down, ducking down, tail feathers up, the swans take a cooling break

A faint breeze lightly strokes my skin and causes my hair to tickle my face
The sun beating down, causing patterns on my eyelids and tanning each exposed place

Quiet. Peaceful. No noise, apart from the breeze winding its way through branches and reeds
The trees sway gently in the wind, carrying the faint cries of children playing nearby, 'whose in the lead?'

Blankets adorn the grass, laden with ice cold drinks and picnic treats
Potato salad, sandwiches, dips, cheeses and meats

Friends create makeshift pitches and divide into teams
Couples walk past, holding hands and licking ice creams

Nothing to see but trees, grass and clear blue sky
Reading or sleeping, eating or drinking, on this blanket I continue to lie

Occasional quacking from the ducks nearby, furry ducklings travelling along in a long line
Only the heavy pant of a dog or the jingle of its collar makes me jump from my relaxing time

Sunglasses, suncream, summerwear all come out today
Everyone hoping this glorious sun is here to stay

Old couples share memories overlooking the lake from a wooden bench seat
Young children learn to feed the ducks, nervous as the big swans start to gather by their feet

No cares or worries just dozing listening to the occasional bird tweet, duck quack or dog bark
Nothing can spoil hot, sunny, lazy days in the park

Our marathon weekend

An unexpected first as I manage to pack just a teeny tiny case
Sure something's been forgotten, panic on my face

A 'traumatic' train journey as we get stuck with hectic hens and their giggling plans
It only gets worse when we're joined by our drunken companion, with his self-filled vodka and red bull cans

We arrive at the station and start the walk to our home for the weekend
Over 45 minutes later we arrive at a lovely modern apartment hot, sweaty but ready to meet new friends

All settled in, everyone takes a wander along the seafront and marina
Then back home to get ready for an evening out and some dinner

A Vietnamese feast awaits, drinks and lots of laughter
Then a seafront walk, more drinks and funny chats after

Home to bed with sore feet and full tummies
Quick to fall asleep, before awaking to another day which is cold but sunny

Saturday involves more walking, sussing out the marathon route and attending an expo
Then time for lunch, shopping and treats, The Lanes of course, we all know where to go!

Quirky shops, individual boutiques, decadent cupcakes and soft creamy fudge
Breathing in the sea air and strolling by the pier, eating all the sweets we love

At night it's dinner and time to load up on all those carbs for our marathon two
Pasta, jacket potatoes and lots of ingredients all good for you

Early to bed for the runners in our crowd
Outfits, race numbers and running supplies packed and laid out. We'll all be so proud

Sunday we wake ready to cheer them on
Runners already left for the start line, they are long gone

Banners are finished, balloons are blown and tied
Loudspeakers are tested and our outfits are checked, all matching, side by side

We set up our position, making other supporters giggle and likely waking the locals
As the runners start to appear we soon become very vocal

A great atmosphere is created despite the wind and cold
Calling out runners' names for encouragement, especially those whose costumes are bold

A long, tiring day but so worthwhile as you see those you support
Some run for charity, fun or just because they love doing this as their sport

The emotions run high as you await their arrival
Happiness all round as they cross the finish and pick up their medal

Some finish super fast, others slower but still do well
Whilst some struggle on, though they're feeling unwell

Medals, freebies, food and drinks
Bags full and heavy, legs ache, backs hurt and heads start to sink

Time to head home and rest or eat
A nice hot bath, lie down or to soak those blistered feet

After a celebratory glass of sparkle it's time for our weekend to end
We're tired out, faces pink from the sun and are sad to say bye to new friends

Brighton was full of fun, great food, laughs and fab company
Sad to be over, but was worthwhile for the fun, marathon achievement and money raised for charity