A year of my gorgeous twins

As those words flickered up on the little blue test 

We didn’t realise then you were going to be different from the rest 

Feeling overwhelmed at another pregnancy 

Then the scan telling us there wasn’t just one baby 

Two babies, twins, two tiny foetuses inside

Very quickly forming a big bump, too big to hide

Your big sister then still a baby herself 

She used to kiss my tummy and check on your health 

Lots of scans and discussions and plans 

Wanting to force you into the world early, I wasn’t a fan

Worried about any risk to you

I agreed, I compromised, wanting the safest arrival for you two

My bump got so very big round and heavy 

Moving, even getting out of bed was very hard for me 

Waiting for you to arrive in hospital 

So much monitoring and kerfuffle

One of you already so cheeky, not wanting to be traced

People laughing at your tongue poking out as the scan showed a little face 

The moment you arrived seemed so quick and you were in a sudden hurry to be here 

On handing each of you to me holding you so near

So tiny and fragile, that perfect moment with you 

Experienced twice because there were two

You both fed together, cried and snuggled in

I’d been so nervous but your arrival felt like a lottery win

Learning to do everything twice 

Nappies, feeds, sleeping, double cuddles so nice
This year feels it’s flown by faster than the speed of light 

So minute and small, now already so strong and full of 
might 

Cute, tender touches, you’ve always got each other 

I’m so lucky I get to call myself your mother 

Double trouble, double the love and fun 

Double the cheekiness, double the mess, the laughs for everyone 

Individual characters that make up a perfect pair

Always a smile when you are there 

As you turn one know how much for you we care

One year of giggles, feeds, naps and more

You’ve completed our family, our twins we adore

Happy 1st Birthday Callum and Sophia

Each day our love for you just grows bigger and bigger 

Mum guilt

I remember when I found out I was pregnant with the twins (well I didn’t realise there were 2 just then!) My first thought was to my daughter, my first born,    what if she felt pushed out? 

Being an only child myself I’ve always felt it all had to be about Olivia. I couldn’t get my head round the idea of having more than one child and in particular how can you love another child as much as the one you have.

I’d love to say this was the first time I experienced some sense of guilt at my actions/decisions potentially impacting my child. Ha! Who am I kidding?! I don’t think I could even count the number of times I’ve felt guilty over something linked to my daughter. 

And now there are 3? Well, there’s not any hope left for me now...

Guilty as charged. 

I’ve always been a people pleaser type of person so it’s likely through most things in my life I will have felt bad about what I may have said/done in case it upset the apple cart and caused any offence.

Being a Mum? That’s a whole different story, this is a different level.

I feel guilty for maybe hugging two and leaving one out, for not going back to work (am I setting a bad example), for thinking of going back to work (abandoning them?), not doing enough classes with them, not reading enough, allowing too much screen time, not disciplining enough, being too shouty, for not making healthy enough meals, for being too strict with treat snacks, and on and on and on and...

The biggest guilt? At the moment, the ongoing constant battle of whether I am treating them all fairly.

It’s the twins first birthday fast approaching and I’ve lost count the amount of times I’ve felt guilty over what we’re doing - or not doing - for it.

After your first child even I know it’s standard to not do perhaps quite so much with any additional siblings. 

But I’m constantly comparing Olivia’s first birthday to what we’re looking at for the twins, and there’s two of them.

Case in point everything had to be new with Olivia. The twins? We were welcoming on any donated clothes, toys, equipment from well wishing friends and relatives.

Often I get told ‘they won’t know’ when I feel things aren’t the same this time round - lack of classes, not reading as much, party plans - all of it. But I’ll know and that’s the problem.

I remember when I was pregnant with my first and talking about feeling bad about something I’d done/not done and I was told to get used to it - welcome to the world of Mum guilt.

Do men not get this? What do you guilt trip over?

I literally do not stop feeling guilty when it comes to my children and friends are always telling me of their guilt over all sorts of things.

Why do we do it? 

I read somewhere recently if you’re feeling guilty about something as a parent it’s probably a sign you are a good parent as if you were a failure/bad parent you wouldn’t worry and wouldn’t be questioning yourself!

I remember thinking what a good point this was. Until worrying about the next thing! 

Tonight? I’m going to bed feeling like a failure because of bathtime and bedtime. 

It’s safe to say tonight was an utter shit storm. It did not go well.

I’m trying to set up a new bath and bed routine which can involve all 3 kids (and stops my guilt at leaving crying twins downstairs whilst I bath my eldest). 

Tonight, they were all over tired and needless to say my chosen method and order of bathing was not a success. I ended up a hysterical screaming monster and have spent the evening since feeling guilty at how I snapped at the babies and made Olivia upset too (in response to their hysterical behaviour first I should add).

My daughter needed her hair washed tonight which inevitability took longer and she was shattered as it’s a preschool day today too. 

Well, the twins were tired and unhappy and wouldn’t stop crying and Olivia just wanted her bath and bed (I bathed the twins first). At a few times all three were screaming and crying (which surprisingly is a rarity to be fair) and I was there screaming along with them (well at them!) 

If I hadn’t done that? Mum guilt for not washing her hair, Mum guilt for leaving the twins to cry downstairs, Mum guilt for not bathing the twins enough. I could go on...

So why are we always feeling so guilty? 

I know lots of Mums who I wouldn’t say are ‘people pleasers’ like me who suffer this too, so it cant just be my obsessive worrying personality! 

And how comes men seem so laid back? Well they seem to be, let me know if I’m wrong and as a make you get parenting guilt.

Any tips for beating the guilt?

Or is that it now? A lifetime of guilt for them, about them??

I’m dropping my phone as I type this as I’m falling asleep where I’m tired, it’s been one of those days! So for now I’m going to try get some sleep before I start to feel guilty about something else!!

Nobody knows

Nobody knows

A birthday thought

Nobody knows how much I miss you

How empty I still feel

Nobody knows the daily struggle and heartache

The fact I was ever pregnant no longer seems real

Nobody knows I'm changed forever

You're imprinted on my soul and heart

Nobody knows the overwhelming feelings

How much I loved you already right from the start

Nobody knows the envy 

The hurt and anger that hits me everyday 

Everybody else has got their wish

How comes it was only us that had to experience that godawful day

Nobody knows how hard each event now is 

Yet another painful blow 

Nobody knows each occasion a reminder of loss

What we had, how we miss you so

Nobody knows how short it seems since we lost you

Yet how long it feels to wait 

Nobody knows I'll never be 'over it'

So much emotion, anger, jealousy, hurt and hate

Nobody knows what I think of every minute of every day

What should and could have been

Taken away from us the memorable experiences and happy times, precious moments we should have seen

Nobody knows the struggle is endless

It can't be brushed aside 

You can't put a label on it, from these constant reminders you cannot hide 

Nobody knows I'm exhausted and empty, 

The brave face and positivity such a tiring strain

Reliving those moments and realising the reality again and again 

Nobody knows today on my birthday, what should be a happy time

Celebratory messages and wishes galore

The rain mimics my tears over what was mine

I will always love you, miss you and want a new you for forever more 

Rest in peace my darling Little Seed

Please one day soon come back to me

We love each other so much as a two but we're so ready to be a three

Birthday blogging

It's Wednesday 13th August. It's 2014.

This means it's my birthday!!! And it also means I am now 32.

I've now got two days off work to celebrate (doing whatever surprises my fiancé and parents have set up), but I've typically woken up really early and can't get back to sleep.

Lots of people have commented lately I've not been blogging, so here I am. Might as well do something whilst the other half snores next to me (bless him he came to bed super late last night). 

Birthdays are a big thing in my little family. There's only Mum, Dad and my Auntie. Oh and me of course. When it's somebody's birthday we tend to have more than one day of celebrating.

If it's a special birthday (18, 21, 30, 40, 50 etc etc) then it's ridiculous (well in some people's eyes, we love it!)

Two years ago I was spending this day on a beach on Koh Phangnan for my 30th. Yes I had a party/meal, a family thing, celebrations with my partner and a 2 week amazing holiday to Thailand. Well it was the big 3-0.

Everyone always comments how when we all turned 30 there was a big change in us and our outlook. We really studied our life so far and where it was going.

Strangely I feel that's been the case ever since.

I find birthdays, a little like Christmas, bittersweet. I love being the birthday girl and celebrating and spending the time doing something nice. However I do then start to judge things, "oh I thought by 32 I'd have this/be doing this/have been there/have tried that" etc etc. 

I also seem to get really focussed on friendships too. If someone I was close to forgot my birthday I know I'd really take it to heart. Silly I know as it's just one day and we all have lots going on in our lives. 

So why do we make such a fuss over birthdays in my family? I guess as there's so few of us and unlike others we don't put so much emphasis on Christmas presents etc. 

I guess it's because it's your day and all about you, you're not sharing with others.

Although technically of course you are - others born the same day. Like my late Granddad Jack, who too was a 13th August Leo. 

That's another thing on birthdays I tend to dwell on those no longer here. 

Still, I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing, all these points just tell me my emotions just crank up a notch at birthday time. 

So now I'm going to try laze in bed until my other half wakes up. And I'm going to blimming well enjoy today (and tomorrow...of course I'm celebrating twice). Let's see what surprises there are in store. 

It's been a stressy year so far, full of house buying sagas so my birthday is going to be fun! I'm excited to see what surprises lay in store.

Oh and of course when I go back to work Friday I've got girly drinks to look forward to too in the evening (alright alright, I know THREE days??!) 

Well here's to 32 and who's to say this can't be my year of having and achieving it all?? 

Blogging birthday: two years old!

Wow TheMelican is now over two years old!

I've got mixed feelings about this - I'm feeling a bit disappointed right now since my two year blog 'anniversary' was actually on June 15th and I missed it!  

I'm also incredibly pleased that two years on my blog is still here, getting visits and I'm still writing for it.

Over this time I've written about fitness, music, social media, job hunting, spinning, horse riding, weight loss, love, friendship, family, relationships, books, the theatre, films, poetry, art, culture, beauty, short stories and lots more. 

If I leave it too long a gap to update the blog I soon hear about it, people notice and complain they've missed reading my posts.

When I first started writing this I was looking to get a new job and move on from my old company. Now I've nearly been at my current company for two years. 

Two years ago when I sat down and started to pour my feelings out I was feeling pretty fed up. Tonight sitting here blogging (on my phone) I'm feeling a bit sad and shameful.

Of late I've had a few 'issues' in my life - both work wise and in my personal life. I've not been feeling great if I'm honest. However tonight I decided to tune into a TV documentary on BBC called Lifesavers. 

You know when you lose a loved one or get some shocking news about someone close to you? 

This program has had the same impact. Put things into perspective. Life is too short.

There is a 17 year old girl on here with a completely smashed hip and pelvis. Now there is a young man who got smashed over the head with a hammer and is not responding after a long period of time and the prognosis 'isn't hopeful'.

It's so true you really don't appreciate what you've got until it's gone in life. 

I hate to be so sombre in mood and so serious. But I also feel this is a reality check opportunity too, something I think I've probably needed lately. 

So on that note I am going to go back to focussing on these inspiring people in the NHS and try to stop whinging quite so much!

Here's to another year of blogging and some more thoughtful and less whiney posts! 

Turning 30 in Thailand

I feel like a child the night before Christmas, I keep making myself feel sick I am getting so excited and I can’t stop looking at various photos and reviews. My holiday for my 30th birthday is booked!

To be honest until I get all the paperwork in the post I don’t think I’m going to fully believe it, after all the drama with the travel company we used and suspicions over their situation and the service received from our contact. Although I’ve got to give it to the guy he’s found us some lovely places to stay.

I decided quite a while back I wanted to do something different to celebrate my 30th and not follow the crowd with a party. Once you get to this age there seem to be so many issues within your various friendship groups that quite frankly I couldn’t be bothered with all the dramas and I can go out and get drunk and dance any time. No, I wanted to have memories to treasure (and perhaps also to distract me from the fact of how old I am getting!)

After talking for months about going away and wanting to ride an elephant for my 30th I am relieved it is now arranged and I can look forward and count down to it! 7 weeks and 1 day in case you wondered…

So what do I have planned? Well, after getting my east and west muddled up (don’t ask!) I realised the east side of the islands was going to be the best place to go as August is in monsoon season in Thailand. I also knew I wanted a mixture of a bit of a culture and some good old fashioned relaxation.

The result? A few nights in buzzing Bangkok where we are booked into a pretty smart hotel close to transport links and not far from places we want to visit. We plan to visit a floating market, some temples, traditional Thai buildings/museums , ride on the old canals and have a trip in a Tuk Tuk. And if my boyfriend has anything to do with it we’ll also check out a ‘ping pong’ show and some Thai boxing. Next up is a luxurious stay in a spa resort at the end of Chaweng Beach on Koh Samui for relaxing, maybe some treatments (although I feel local Thai massage people on the beach etc will be better value!) and a chance to go on an elephant ride. Finally we arrive at Salad Beach, for a cosy but slightly less pampered stay where we will just unwind, relax, sunbathe and eat dinners on the beach – and where I will actually turn 30.

I. Can’t. Wait

I’ll be going to somewhere I’ve never been –it’s going to be completely different and I’m going to be spending it with my boyfriend so if at times things might panic me I know he’ll look after me!

Of course – as per with me – I am now starting a slight panic – primarily at present regarding my weight. I have 7 weeks effectively to somehow transform into a body worthy of the beach and summer clothes. This is going to be hard work! And of course I don’t want to miss out on Summer (whenever it decides to arrive in the UK!) and be a bore and not eat or drink for the whole of July and the rest of June. I have three family birthdays during that time too.

I’m also conscious of being away from my family for my birthday, as a small family we make a big fuss of birthdays and tend to spend them together, so I feel almost mean going away for my 30th like this. However, rest assured I will make sure I celebrate with them and in turn with my friends when I return. Plus 2 days after we get back me and my boyfriend will have been together 7 years so we need to celebrate that somehow too!

For now I’ll continue to daydream of white sand, beautiful waters, hot sun, gorgeous food and lots more. Well, until I get home and then start my manic list-writing of all the things to sort – ferries, vaccinations, travel insurance, currency, packing, transport to and from the airport, getting into shape. Hm maybe I better get writing that list now…