A year of my gorgeous twins

As those words flickered up on the little blue test 

We didn’t realise then you were going to be different from the rest 

Feeling overwhelmed at another pregnancy 

Then the scan telling us there wasn’t just one baby 

Two babies, twins, two tiny foetuses inside

Very quickly forming a big bump, too big to hide

Your big sister then still a baby herself 

She used to kiss my tummy and check on your health 

Lots of scans and discussions and plans 

Wanting to force you into the world early, I wasn’t a fan

Worried about any risk to you

I agreed, I compromised, wanting the safest arrival for you two

My bump got so very big round and heavy 

Moving, even getting out of bed was very hard for me 

Waiting for you to arrive in hospital 

So much monitoring and kerfuffle

One of you already so cheeky, not wanting to be traced

People laughing at your tongue poking out as the scan showed a little face 

The moment you arrived seemed so quick and you were in a sudden hurry to be here 

On handing each of you to me holding you so near

So tiny and fragile, that perfect moment with you 

Experienced twice because there were two

You both fed together, cried and snuggled in

I’d been so nervous but your arrival felt like a lottery win

Learning to do everything twice 

Nappies, feeds, sleeping, double cuddles so nice
This year feels it’s flown by faster than the speed of light 

So minute and small, now already so strong and full of 
might 

Cute, tender touches, you’ve always got each other 

I’m so lucky I get to call myself your mother 

Double trouble, double the love and fun 

Double the cheekiness, double the mess, the laughs for everyone 

Individual characters that make up a perfect pair

Always a smile when you are there 

As you turn one know how much for you we care

One year of giggles, feeds, naps and more

You’ve completed our family, our twins we adore

Happy 1st Birthday Callum and Sophia

Each day our love for you just grows bigger and bigger 

Constantly comparing

It’s been a few days. I jotted down some ideas of things I wanted to blog about and then an upcoming twins birthday, trying to make plans and a teething baby have meant I’m too tired to blog of a night (when I normally type furiously away on my phone when all the kids are in bed). 

Well as I mentioned my twins will turn 1 shortly - on 4th February in fact - and I’ve been trying to plan for a family birthday party, a celebratory day out, presents, I could go on.

Part of the process of achieving the first birthday is the 1 year development check.

And it got me thinking of all the checks all my children have been through already. In fact I often think back to something in my own development in childhood.

I’m a tall girl, I’ve always been tall. Neither of my parents are particularly tall but for some reason I’m way up there. I’m about 5ft10/5ft11. When I was young and I was being measured at some check or other with my Mum (I assume at a doctors or health centre of sorts) I still to this day remember them being concerned how tall I was and they were actually talking about whether I would stop growing... and then? They tried to suggest to my Mum the idea of giving me medication to stunt my growth! Seriously! 

Needless to say we didn’t go down the medication route and shock horror I did stop growing!

I totally get over the years it’s beneficial how we’ve gained more and more research to help check our children are ‘okay’. We want to know our families are healthy.

But how do we ensure it’s a check that someone is ‘on track’ and not in any danger healthwise, rather than trying to fit everyone into a box? 

We know deep down these checks - they start from birth - are based on the ‘average’ person. 

However, I’m sure I’m not the only one who has worried about how their child is progressing. If they don’t fit into the average, why not? Are we instantly labelling them as failures/having issues?

If your child’s leg or arm doesn’t move as it should at birth that’s a physical indication something might be wrong. I get that.

However, when you go for a 1 year check and your child doesn’t point yet it’s truly not a big deal. You can be made to feel it is though. Once one thing is pointed out it starts the ball rolling with others. It makes you look at other milestones they may not have reached on time.  

When I had my first child I panicked and I won’t lie I still compare her now to others and worry if she’s doing what she should or why is she doing certain things others aren’t.

In the same way that people say nowadays our social media world causes them to feel pressured to look a certain way, these development checks can cause you to constantly question your parenting and your child. In fact I think nowadays there’s a huge pressure and culture of labelling.

We need to have a checklist to make sure we fit - even from birth - and if someone isn’t ticking those boxes then it’s time to stick a label on.

I’ve done it myself with my daughter - she’s very tall for her age and strong. She’s full of energy and very talkative and intelligent with a lot of things. What did I do? I grew concerned she had some behavioural disorder. And at times I still find myself worrying. 

I’m sure not everyone is like me! I am a natural born worrier! But I am concerned that often using these averages and quantitative analysis on ourselves leads to constant comparison. Isn’t it a case of needing to apply qualitative observations too? 

Are we at the top, the same, fitting the mold? 

If not what can we do to be the same? 

When I’ve been pregnant I’ve always tried to use hypnobirthing techniques and I strongly believe in the power of hypnobirthing. One of the things it teaches is with regards to labour and your ‘due date’. Straightaway you should think of the date you’re told your baby ‘should’ or ‘will’ arrive as a suggested date around which they may be born instead. Let your baby be born when they’re ready to enter the world (obviously if there’s some medical emergency and they need to be brought into the world more quickly then of course that’s what you do). 

Anyway why don’t we adopt this approach with the way we grown and learn? Why do we say that we should be doing these things by a certain age. Why can’t we remember and be happy in the knowledge no child is the same and they develop at their own pace? 

It’s life. The human race. Some people are tall, some people are short. Some people are confident, some are shy. Some children will be creative, some will be more active, some will be adventurous, some will prefer regularity and gain comfort from their usual setting. I could go on and on.

Difference is a good thing. Why don’t we stop fighting it and trying to make everyone fit? 

Next time one of my children has a check or I observe them around other children of the same age I’m going to really try and keep this mindset...

Why it was always going to end too soon

New Year’s Eve.

The end of a year, the start of new things to come.

For me it signified another end. Breastfeeding.

My twins decided they didn’t want to breastfeed anymore.

The signs were there, I’d moved to feeding them on me morning and night only for a while now.

And then, I assume due to teething, my youngest twin, Sophia, started to bite me. I won’t go into details but it hurt and one time she drew a teeny amount of blood!

I didn’t want to stop too soon or risk stopping when actually it was a temporary glitch, I tried a few times and different ways to see if I could convince them to carry on. Even if just one of them, but no new years eve they both pretty much rejected feeding on me.

My first born stopped breastfeeding between 5 and 6 months, so managing nearly 11 months with twins is pretty good going I appreciate.

When my daughter stopped it broke my heart how sudden it seemed and again with the twins I felt cheated. Why was it stopping before I was ready? Again.

I can imagine it’s tough when you want to stop feeding your child/children and they want to carry on too. I guess it’s best they make the decision for you even.

Regardless it’s still not easy to take.

I don’t exaggerate when I say it made me feel heartbroken when they didn’t want to feed off me.

Unless you’ve done it I don’t think you can get it even. My fiancé was super supportive when I was balling my eyes out over it, but I tried to explain to him why I was so sad.

Things I felt:
I will never ever breastfeed again
The bond I felt I got with my children from doing this has now ended
My babies are growing up too fast
My babies don’t need me anymore (anyone can clothe, dress, feed them formula or regular food)
They don’t want me anymore
More silly points too like I’m going to gain lots of weight now, couldn’t they have waited a bit so I could’ve been proud to breastfeed for a whole year, am I going to get health complications by just stopping feeding (mastitis etc)

I could go on.

As the days have gone on, as I expected, I’m starting to accept it a bit more.

I just feel like bedtime isn’t the same with them now too as we don’t have that closeness.

Each to their own, but I’m not one of these people who would choose to feed a child until they’re particularly older/bigger, but it still feels at 10/11 months they could’ve fed a bit longer.

I always remember before having children and when I was younger the thought of breastfeeding actually freaked me out a bit and I can remember thinking ‘ew I wouldn’t want a baby doing that on my boobs!’ (Similar to my idea that if I had a baby I wanted it cleaned up before they handed it to me after birth hahaha).

Once pregnant with my first born I started to feel I’d like to try it. I was lucky in that I never pressured myself and thankfully I never experienced the pressure from any healthcare professionals that some people complain about to breastfeed. My view was always I’ll give it a go and see what happens, if it works great it not I’ll bottle feed.

I’m a firm believer that a baby should be fed in the best way for them/their Mum - whether that’s formula, breastfeed, expressed milk in a bottle whatever. Same with parenting - you do what’s right for your individual child and circumstances.

I don’t know if I’ve been lucky or it was my relatively laid back attitude to breastfeeding, but I’ve been fortunate my children took to it pretty well and I’ve never had too many of the not so pleasant physical experiences breastfeeding can bring (well bar my poor chest shrivelling up to nothing, ha sorry TMI!)

When I was pregnant with the twins one of the - many - worries I had was whether breastfeeding would be possible. I joined some groups online, tried to research and see if I could do it. I went in again with my same attitude of let’s give it a go and see. And I saw about a twin feeding pillow.

Thank heavens for that pillow - seeing it and my NCT friends for clubbing together and getting me one for my baby shower.

It’s been amazing since the twins were born. I seriously couldn’t have done it without it. It’s even been great as a seat of sorts for the twins to lay on as newborns, they loved it!

I’ve still got it in my bedroom resting by my dressing table, like it had been when I used to feed the twins on my bed when they woke/before they went to sleep at night. Pointless now, but I just can’t quite pack it away just yet.

I’m sure I’ll find a way of making bedtimes cuddly and magical again with the twins and I’ve got some photos to remind me of my experience too.

But for this lady, that’s it now, my breastfeeding journey is over, despite the heartache at the end it’s all been worth it and I’m truly so pleased I gave it a go and so grateful all 3 let me do it.