The constant battle

You can’t wait to be a Mum and hold that baby in your arms

You miss that big round bump and feeling that life move inside your tummy

You can’t wait to see them crawling around and able to explore some more 

You miss how cute and dependent they were when they ‘just laid there’

You can’t wait to get some sleep and not be waking throughout the night to feed

You miss those little lips on you, that hand stroking your chest, those eyes gazing up

You can’t wait to see those little chubby legs walking around like others, what’s taking so long 

You miss the little baby who wanted to hold on and bounced around on your lap

You can’t wait for them to use that baby cutlery and make less mess

You miss putting that tiny spoon in their little mouth and no shouts or gestures of ‘I do it’

You can’t wait for those first words and to know what it is they need

You miss the little gurgles and raspberry blowing 

You can’t wait to be able to put them down and not have a constant clinging shadow 

You miss the cuddles and snuggles reading or simply dozing on you 

You can’t wait for them to start preschool or nursery, to get some time to ‘get things done’

You miss the noise, laughter and time together, it feels too quiet 

You can’t wait to have more time as they grow and learn

You miss that little baby and see how quick they’ve become this child

You can’t wait to not have to change so many nappies, tidy so many toys, be constantly interrupted 

You miss them needing you, the bright colours and those funny tales 

You can’t wait, you want it now, constantly comparing and looking ahead, until you get it, then

You miss the little one so tiny and needy who saw you as their all and needed you for everything. You realise how fast those days, weeks, months and years fly by 

And you wish you’d just lived it all and enjoyed each stage there and then, instead of looking ahead and wondering when

No time

No time

No time to keep the house clean and get done all the chores
But always time to make sure that I’m here and I’m always yours

No time to eat a meal slowly and in peace, without little hands wanting some or little mouths crying out
But always time to ensure you don’t go without

No time to keep on top of meeting up with friends
But always time to be careful you have someone on you can depend

No time to remember important to dos to keep adult life running fine
But always time to know all those characters, stories and rhymes line by line

No time to get back to all the messages needing replying to and dates to find seem to never end
But always time to have a caring shoulder, arms or ear to lend

No time to buy nice new clothes for me, sit and do hair, makeup, nails and other beauty
But always time to play, sing, read, draw and get messy

No time to read a really good book, watch a film or listen to music properly
But always time to hold you in my arms or sit with you on my knee

No time for me and daddy to just cuddle and talk for hours like we used to do
But always time to get bags, food and clothes ready for you

No time to plan holidays, dates and nights out
But always time to make sure you get out and about

No time to notice all the mess on my clothes and in my hair
But always time to smile and gaze into your adoring loving stare

No time to be referred to as or make quality time for ‘the old me’
But always time to make note you’re developing as you should be

No time to remember all I always need to do
But always time to show my never ending love for you

Hypnobirthing - hippy mumbo jumbo or brilliant for birth?

Those of you who've followed my blog for some time will know we sadly lost a baby last year in a missed miscarriage, discovered at our 12 week scan.

This pregnancy I was so much more relaxed. But as a natural worrier and control freak I knew I needed something to help me feel calmer, more reassured and a little in control.

A friend of mine, who had a baby a month or two before my first pregnancy baby would have been due, happened to tell me about this book she was reading on hypnobirthing and what she was trying.

Now she's not a 'hippy' or 'away with the fairies' in any way, so I immediately listened and took note - I trust her views and judgement.

Maybe something to look into myself? Perhaps it could help with my control issues?

Another friend had anxiety and had been using CBT techniques to help her and I again wondered if breathing could be of use in some way.

My fiancé and I attended numerous antenatal classes and I read tons of books, forums, blogs. Everyone does talk about breathing which is great, but hypnobirthing is more than that.

Sometimes it's referred to as hypnobirthing, sometimes natal hypnotherapy (a NHS course we signed up to for 1 day at Queens Hospital had this name - yes again another positive for our local hospital!)

Just before we attended the class I went to an expectant parent's event at Mothercare and sat in on a taster session by Magical Baby Moments (a local run business by a fellow Mummy).

The taster touched on what hypnobirthing essentially is and then Christine ran through a brief 'script'. I found it so moving and powerful (I opened my eyes to find them full of tears), I was really impressed.

At this point we had our class already booked up and I'd got a book and CD borrowed from my friend and had started downloading mp3s of relaxation music.

I didn't do hypnobirthing with this business purely because we were already booked up and had CDs and a book. However, I saw she offered Maternity Meet Ups (meeting other mums, practicing techniques, going through scripts and similar) once a week which appealed and I found them useful.

I went a few times as it was close to my due date and each time I found it so helpful - a mixture of discussing your concerns, scripts and techniques, useful excerpts from books and video clips etc. I also felt able to share lots of personal details which then helped me get techniques suitable to my situation.

Each time I experienced or heard about hypnobirthing and natal hypnotherapy I was more and more assured this was going to work for me and it made me calmer about the idea of giving birth and more at ease that things weren't going to go wrong and I could do this. Most of all I started to believe in my body again after our previous loss.

So what did I do?
Listened to Preparing for Birth natal hypnotherapy CD, Colours & Calmness CD and mp3s from Maggie Dowell and the Calm Birth School regularly
Regularly practiced breathing on my own and with my partner and listened to scripts to relax me
Made and printed off birth affirmations (words/phrases to encourage you in labour)
Had a hypnobirthing pack I took to the hospital with me - electric candles, aromatherapy relaxing spray, affirmations to stick on the wall and my 'happy place' photos, iPod with mp3s of my hypnobirthing and natal hypnotherapy soundtracks/scripts
Attended the meet ups close to my due date
Attended a natal hypnotherapy class at my local hospital
Read two books (calm birth school and the hypnobirthing book) as well as material from my natal hypnotherapy class
Had print outs on my fridge reminding me to be confident in my body and baby (I used a lot when they suspected my baby was 'breech')

I won't lie to you my pack got left in my hospital bag in the end! Hey I was a first time Mum! But at home for the hours I was in labour I listened to my CDs on loop and did my breathing.

In terms of hypnobirthing itself for the labour and birth once in hospital I didn't think I'd used any techniques, but I realised I truly had when my partner showed me photos and videos he'd taken of me! Midwives and hospital staff all commented on how well I seemed to be doing as a first time Mum too.

Hypnobirthing truly isn't a weird hippy idea as some people may think, it's really common sense techniques to help you relax and prepare you for labour. It's all about working with and trusting your body and not fighting against it and getting scared and in turn causing yourself more pain. I'd highly recommend it and in fact I introduced a few ladies from my NCT group to the approach!

I knew I wanted to try have my baby in a birthing pool and with minimal medical intervention if possible and hypnobirthing/natal hypnotherapy helped me do that I feel (and a very supportive partner). I used a TENS machine (when contractions started to get strong at home and at hospital) and then gas and air at the hospital hours into labour as my pain relief. The breathing and safe place I'd practiced and things such as thinking of my contractions in waves helped me no end!

I'm all for women bringing up their babies how is best for them and the same with labour - but I seriously want to help get it out there please just have a look into hypnobirthing and natal hypnotherapy I'm sure you'll realise just what an invaluable tool and approach it can be!

World Breastfeeding Week

This week is world breastfeeding week

As a woman new to this world of being a mummy it's a topic close to my heart.

I breastfeed.

I'm proud I do it and I love the fact I do it.

I also think mummies who don't breastfeed are amazing too.

I do not like the stigma attached to mums who don't breastfeed as being bad or lazy and making those women feel like failures in some way.

I also do not like the way mums are judged for simply feeding their children in public. When you think all the sights you experience every day how can something so natural be deemed so disgusting?

Years ago the thought of breastfeeding seemed a strange idea to me I admit. Ew a baby sucking on your breasts? Ew. No thank you very much.

This from the girl who always said "er babies come out all covered in gunk when I have a baby I want it cleaned up before they hand it to me"!!

Cut to 9th May 2016 when my beautiful daughter entered this world at 10:10pm and changed our lives forever. And yes she was handed to me immediately and she was beautiful and I kissed her and cuddled her as close as I could. After she was then checked and we'd had 1 hour of skin to skin (thank you Queens Hospital labour ward staff. No the hospital is not all bad as people claim and they were amazing to us!) she was placed on my chest and she latched on immediately.

If I didn't feel amazing already for having got through hours and hours of labour and birth (if not extremely exhausted and in pain!) that sensation of feeding my child was astonishing - I felt so pleased she did it and I felt great I'd been able to do it.

Once I was pregnant this time round I said about half way through my pregnancy I wanted to try and breastfeed, but that I wasn't going to put myself under pressure. If I could great, if I couldn't no big deal.

I was lucky no midwives or NHS staff made me feel I had to breastfeed either - I know a lot of woke unfortunately get forced or guilt tripped into it.

So when the time came I was chilled out about it and yes I've had a successful time.

Well, don't get me wrong there were slight struggles. Such as she fed around midnight when born and then when the midwives came round about 7/730am to check how she was feeding and asked when she was last fed and went a bit crazy that she's not fed since. Yes I was a new tired mum and a bit clueless and had heard the next day midwives come round and show you what to do and as I'd sat up all night holding my newborn child and she'd seemed okay I thought all was well!

I then had to keep a chart and monitor when she fed and when she needed her nappy changed etc. And lo and behold once I knew what I was meant to be doing I fed my baby and our breastfeeding went well.

I tried to let her tell me when she wanted a feed - hand in mouth, turning her head to my chest etc and after a few weeks or less we'd established a 3 hourly feeding routine.

I think my whole being relaxed about whether I can breastfeed or not has helped keep me chilled out and successful in my feeding. Also my type of birth meant breastfeeding could be started naturally.

I've had a few hiccups along the way - very minor I must say and luckily for me - I've had to buy lanolin the godsend for breastfeeding mums (although not used much) and I had a bit of soreness early on a couple of times.

I also was very nervous to try expressing in case my baby went off feeding from me. My amazing health visitor as per usual reassured me and assured me when he came to visit when she was 9 weeks old that my feeding was well established and she would come back to me after the bottle and that Daddy should feed her first and to take our time.

Well, what do you know? 3 weeks later and she's accepted bottle and boob and I've even managed a girls boozy night out (oh the guilt and disappointment though at having to throw those 17oz of ruined milk away!) and I've even attempted to give her the bottle too (whilst covered in a muslin to try mask my scent and hide my boobs haha).

I've also fed in public, I've got a handy little cover to hide my modesty and am comfortable feeding when out.

I choose to cover up when out, some Mums don't. I used to feed her in a chair in her nursery now I do it on the sofa or on the side of the bed in the night. I've tried 'dream feeding' (breastfeeding your baby when they are asleep). I know my posture is not great when I feed her now. But you know what? I am comfortable and happy with what works for us and that's what we'll continue doing. And I hope I can continue to feed my baby with my milk until she's 6 months.

Support is so important - my fiancé has been supportive from the very start as have friends and family. I haven't needed to attend breastfeeding groups for advice but I know others who have and and they're great - use them. Get support and help support other Mums.

However as we mark National Breastfeeding Week, I want to salute all the mummies out there - whether you breastfeed, formula feed, express or whatever. Well done you, you're doing what's right for you and your baby. And if you're struggling with breastfeeding - keep at it if you feel you can and get support. If it's not working for you or bubba then stop. Don't feel guilty, do what feels right for you and little one.

Barbie babies

Right this is going to be interesting. I am trying to blog using my HTC. I apologise in advance for any horrendous typos, or how short this post will probably turn out to be as I'll get fed up of trying to type on a smartphone.

Anyways... so I went to the gym today again and in the drinks room I picked up a copy of Stylist magazine, I think there's a new one out tomorrow. I must admit I only started reading the article I'm about to refer to and haven't yet finished it, but I was so shocked by the story in there "How to make the perfect baby". Apparently the ability for wannabe parents to soon be able to pick features of their future child is fast approaching. Now, if this means that potentially serious illnesses and conditions can be prevented in future generations this seems a positive step. What I don't find quite so appealing is that this is actually seemingly going to be the next big thing for plastic fantastic addicts who have to have the perfect looking child too.

I admit, on first reading the item and reflecting on my own thoughts I have often hoped that whenever I do have a child I hope and pray it is attractive. Shallow I know, but true.

Obviously, or at least I hope it's obvious, the primary concern is to have a happy, healthy child. But I have joked with my boyfriend how if I gave birth to a ginger child I would dye its hair! What I read in this feature though disturbed me. Trying to make sure a child is a set height, has certain coloured eyes, a small nose or a lighter shade of skin. Surely this is just encouraging prejudice and making fake and super perfect looks more acceptable and the norm.

For one I don't really get why you'd want to create something in this sort of pick n mix system. Why do we want to create a society of clones, where we all look the same and are 'perfect'? Who's to say what is perfect anyway? Surely everybody's tastes and opinion are different?

Also I think it's pretty safe to say that this sort of treatment - or whatever it will be - is going to be limited to those with more money, so does this mean greater divides in society? Poorer kids have to be 'ugly'? What happens if the baby doesn't turn out with the designed/requested features agreed on? Do you get your money back, do you check the baby on a 4D scan and decide it isn't as perfect as you wanted and what get rid of it? It doesn't bear thinking about!

In my eyes it's good to be different, we don't all want to be the same and those features we have all work, along with our personality, to make us who we are. In a world where it seems miscarriages are an increasingly common occurrence why would people not just be grateful for after nine months meeting with this unique and beautiful life they've created?

I for one look forward to a day when I can hopefully meet a baby I've created which will no doubt be super tall, have a big nose, probably have some sort of skin issue and talk too much. But do you know what, I'll love it no matter what and I think that's how it should be. Let's stop all these unnecessary scientific 'developments' to make everything perfect and be happy how we are, none of this plastic surgery unless it's needed for health reasons or someone's life truly is negatively affected by their appearance.

When I'm older with droopy boobs, grey, thinning hair and unsightly wrinkles perhaps I'll think different, but for now I think our 'imperfections' are perfect as they are. Let's let our future generation decide how they want to look.