The end of a year, the start of new things to come.
For me it signified another end. Breastfeeding.
My twins decided they didn’t want to breastfeed anymore.
The signs were there, I’d moved to feeding them on me morning and night only for a while now.
And then, I assume due to teething, my youngest twin, Sophia, started to bite me. I won’t go into details but it hurt and one time she drew a teeny amount of blood!
I didn’t want to stop too soon or risk stopping when actually it was a temporary glitch, I tried a few times and different ways to see if I could convince them to carry on. Even if just one of them, but no new years eve they both pretty much rejected feeding on me.
My first born stopped breastfeeding between 5 and 6 months, so managing nearly 11 months with twins is pretty good going I appreciate.
When my daughter stopped it broke my heart how sudden it seemed and again with the twins I felt cheated. Why was it stopping before I was ready? Again.
I can imagine it’s tough when you want to stop feeding your child/children and they want to carry on too. I guess it’s best they make the decision for you even.
Regardless it’s still not easy to take.
I don’t exaggerate when I say it made me feel heartbroken when they didn’t want to feed off me.
Unless you’ve done it I don’t think you can get it even. My fiancé was super supportive when I was balling my eyes out over it, but I tried to explain to him why I was so sad.
Things I felt:
I will never ever breastfeed again
The bond I felt I got with my children from doing this has now ended
My babies are growing up too fast
My babies don’t need me anymore (anyone can clothe, dress, feed them formula or regular food)
They don’t want me anymore
More silly points too like I’m going to gain lots of weight now, couldn’t they have waited a bit so I could’ve been proud to breastfeed for a whole year, am I going to get health complications by just stopping feeding (mastitis etc)
I could go on.
As the days have gone on, as I expected, I’m starting to accept it a bit more.
I just feel like bedtime isn’t the same with them now too as we don’t have that closeness.
Each to their own, but I’m not one of these people who would choose to feed a child until they’re particularly older/bigger, but it still feels at 10/11 months they could’ve fed a bit longer.
I always remember before having children and when I was younger the thought of breastfeeding actually freaked me out a bit and I can remember thinking ‘ew I wouldn’t want a baby doing that on my boobs!’ (Similar to my idea that if I had a baby I wanted it cleaned up before they handed it to me after birth hahaha).
Once pregnant with my first born I started to feel I’d like to try it. I was lucky in that I never pressured myself and thankfully I never experienced the pressure from any healthcare professionals that some people complain about to breastfeed. My view was always I’ll give it a go and see what happens, if it works great it not I’ll bottle feed.
I’m a firm believer that a baby should be fed in the best way for them/their Mum - whether that’s formula, breastfeed, expressed milk in a bottle whatever. Same with parenting - you do what’s right for your individual child and circumstances.
I don’t know if I’ve been lucky or it was my relatively laid back attitude to breastfeeding, but I’ve been fortunate my children took to it pretty well and I’ve never had too many of the not so pleasant physical experiences breastfeeding can bring (well bar my poor chest shrivelling up to nothing, ha sorry TMI!)
When I was pregnant with the twins one of the - many - worries I had was whether breastfeeding would be possible. I joined some groups online, tried to research and see if I could do it. I went in again with my same attitude of let’s give it a go and see. And I saw about a twin feeding pillow.
Thank heavens for that pillow - seeing it and my NCT friends for clubbing together and getting me one for my baby shower.
It’s been amazing since the twins were born. I seriously couldn’t have done it without it. It’s even been great as a seat of sorts for the twins to lay on as newborns, they loved it!
I’ve still got it in my bedroom resting by my dressing table, like it had been when I used to feed the twins on my bed when they woke/before they went to sleep at night. Pointless now, but I just can’t quite pack it away just yet.
I’m sure I’ll find a way of making bedtimes cuddly and magical again with the twins and I’ve got some photos to remind me of my experience too.
But for this lady, that’s it now, my breastfeeding journey is over, despite the heartache at the end it’s all been worth it and I’m truly so pleased I gave it a go and so grateful all 3 let me do it.
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