Tuesday, 5 May 2015

Little Seed

I will always remember the shaking legs, the anxious wait, the discovering of those words on a screen
The happy secret, the unbelievable surprise 
Excitement over this little being we hadn't seen 

Constant worry at every feeling, change and mood
But also so proud and pleased to tell our parents we were going to be like them too 

Seeing my body start to differ and feeling a bond so soon
Counting down all the time to be safer and being able to tell people, we'd be over the moon

Reading reading, books apps forums whatever I could find
Keeping a diary describing this experience of mine 

That first appointment and being 'booked in',  getting that famous red book and leaflets and feelings within 
Waiting waiting for that special twelve weeks, time standing still until it would begin

Reaching that milestone, a bundle of nerves, imagining after and making such plans
Lying on that bed and staring staring looking at that scan

Being told you'd gone and had died long ago
Not understanding in this time why there were no bad signs to show

The shock the loss the moment my heart stopped
1036 on 1st May when my world was forever rocked

We created you, my body housed you, our Little Seed who already I loved
Now taken away and being looked after from above

The pain the hurt the emotions I can't even describe 
Knowing already you're out of my life

You must've been cosy right there within me
So warm and snug you must've been sleepy
You kept your eyes closed never to open and just stayed asleep 
My body still knows you're there and wants you there to keep 

We won't know if your heart ever did beat 
Never will feel your tiny hands and barely formed feet 

For some reason life decided this wasn't your turn to enter the world
People say maybe too tiny, something wrong or too weak
Not strong enough to ever laugh cry dance walk or speak

I say I don't care what wasn't right about you, my little boy or little girl
You were my first child and aren't just some cells or a shell

How dare nature take you and rip you away
Still you sleep in my body, you wanted to stay

The anger the hurt the pain and the fright
I would do anything to hear actually you're alright 

We wanted you so much why can't it be our turn
Why again and again must things be so hard yet another lesson to learn 

I can't imagine life will ever be the same again 
Always remembering that day when

I'm never awake not really here anymore 
Life is a burden trying to enjoy it simply a chore 

Facing today and imagining what it could bring 
Doing things to remove you and what's left within 

I want this all to be over so we can look to move on
Yet also can't believe how we ever will and that you're really gone 

So Little Seed, as we named you, RIP
You'll always be our first child, forever to me

(Written Sunday 3rd May 2015) 

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