You’ve got a friend in Mum

 I’ve just got home from a spin class at my local gym - first time in over a year! I’m buzzing and hooray it’s seemingly sparked something in my brain.

Sat down for a quick cuppa before another shower and going to pick up my twins from preschool, I’ve switched on the television to this...

Ta-dah my little brain has switched on and FINALLY I’ve found a topic I want to blog about! 

Let’s be honest this year has been pretty bleak and stressful and quite frankly I’ve found it hard to find time or even anything to inspire me to blog...

Here it is. So can Mums be friends with daughters? This is a question the Jeremy Vine Show has posed today - I should just add it also was great to see an all female panel/hosts today too on a topical program which debates current affairs.

I guess the way I’ll be answering this is two fold - one as my role as a daughter myself and secondly as my position now as a mother to my own daughters (and a son). 

When I was younger I loved my parents dearly and had a good relationship with both of them and I remember getting comfort when young from my Mum but knowing she was in charge as the adult. I wouldn’t say at that point it was necessarily as a friend it was a family love and relationship. 

However once I got older at secondary school, becoming a teen and starting to get good old hormones things changed. You don’t want to be seen with your parents it’s embarrassing and not cool. I wouldn’t want my Mum to come in dressing rooms with me and we’d bicker over clothes and our opinions. I look back now and I totally get why this made my Mum so sad.

Having a precious innocent four year and two year old twins I can’t even imagine them not needing or wanting me. They’re constantly telling me I’m their best friend and showering me with kisses and cuddles. The thought they’d not want me around and be embarrassed or similar feels like it would kill me! 

On starting college and trying to ‘rebel’ a bit I used to constantly argue with both my Mum and Dad. 

But then I moved out, got my own place after University and something switched...me and my Mum’s  relationship changed - we genuinely became friends! We enjoyed each other’s company, we talked and shared experiences. It was really nice.

Following that when I became a Mum myself - wow that’s the biggest game changer. Suddenly you understand her ways, her behaviour, her rules when you were young. The love she has for you. It all suddenly makes sense! 

I’m going by my experiences of course. I mean we’ve all seen the different types of Mum and daughter relationships - there are those who used to dress young and act young and almost be like a sister to their daughter.

The idea when I was a teenager of going on a night out with my Mum was just totally unfathomable. However I’ve heard of Mums clubbing with their daughter in tow.

For me? No thanks I don’t think that’d work.

When younger you need to set boundaries and make sure you’ve got the respect level with your children so they know you’re the adult and in charge. In that sense I guess you’re not their friend, but I think it’s equally as important for them to trust in you like a friend and feel they can come to you and talk to you about anything. Especially in these days and times with new pressures, cyber bullying and child mental health issues. 

My own daughters? Right now we’re still at the I’m in charge stage but for me with a mix of being their best friend (when it suits then) in their eyes and knowing I’m their go to person and place if they need help or are scared at all. I’d certainly like to think though as they get older they can count me as a friend. 

So can Mums and daughters be friends? Yes I think so - maybe not in the general more typical sense of the word, and with authority added on the side - but in a world so full of pressures and right now uncertainties everyone needs a friend and who better than the person who brought you into the world in the first place? 

Kind and proud

In this current world where there is so much hate and anger and nastiness, it feels like we’re very much in need of the reminder on today’s World Kindness Day.

Be kind.

It’s so tempting at times when most people you encounter seem selfish, rude or impolite. Why should you be the one to make the effort and be pleasant?

Bringing children up in the world right now at times makes me feel sad and guilty. They’re growing up in what seems like pretty negative times and it doesn’t feel you experience kindness all that often! 

Like most parents I often experience parenting guilt, am I bringing the children up right? Are we teaching them how to be decent people? What are the traits we want and need them to have?

At present we’re also in the middle of viewing primary schools in order to decide on our ideal choice for our eldest. 

I won’t lie it’s so far been a lot tougher than I imagined it would be. First off, what should you be looking for? What’s important? 

The chances of even getting your first choice where we live are pretty slim as it is.

Plus things have changed a lot since me and her Dad went to school, we’ve learnt that for sure when doing these visits! 

One point I think we’ve always agreed on is a huge thing we do want to make sure of is our children are kind. 

And today we had our preschooler’s 2nd ‘parent-keyworker’ meeting and learnt just that. 

As I sat with tears welling in my eyes I felt myself burst with pride and my heart swell to hear how our firstborn is kind and caring, what a sensitive soul she is, how she helps comfort the new and younger children coming to the preschool and more. 

Yes I asked and heard about more academic areas which are super important to me. However, it made me so happy to hear our little girl was so sweet and thoughtful. 

In a way hearing more how she behaves when she’s away from me and her Dad and siblings has also helped shed some light for me on what sort of school might suit her too. 

So thank you to my darling daughter on this World Kindness Day for making me so proud of how kind you are turning out to be. 

(And as an added bonus our twin boy has now learnt and likes to say I Love You!) 

So why should you be kind to others? Why make the effort when people seem so selfish nowadays? Think how it makes you feel when someone is kind to you and there you’ll find your answer 

All I ever wanted

All I ever wanted

All I ever wanted was to make my parents proud and do well

All I ever wanted was to be a Mum, a child to call my own 

All I ever wanted was to have a home - nothing fancy, but somewhere to be proud

All I ever wanted was to have someone to love, to love me

All I ever wanted was a happy life, nothing fancy, but to enjoy it 

All I ever wanted was the basics 

All I ever wanted was fairness

All I ever wanted was truth, trust

All I ever wanted was a true partner, to support each other and be a team

All I ever wanted was a little family to look out for one another 

I never wanted lies

I never wanted arguing

I never wanted the fancy things in life

I never wanted heartache and hurt

I never wanted to live a lie

I never wanted to struggle 

All I ever wanted was us

What I thought was us

What I thought we had

What I thought we would be

Now it’s just hurt anger lies and letdowns

It’s not all I ever wanted at all

Remembering me

Sometimes when you become a parent - and indeed when general adult life gets busy overall - you can lose track of what it is that makes you you. 

What have you been up to lately? So, what are your hobbies? Often when I get asked these questions nowadays I get a bit stuck - erm...not much, I can’t remember, I don’t really have time to have any...

But that’s sort of wrong. I know deep down I need to make time and not give in so easily to Mum guilt or give excuses not to do things for me.

This month I knew was going to involve a few well overdue days/evenings having fun. Fun for me that is - not laughing at my kids being crazy, smiling at something cute they’ve done, or enjoying watching them making me proud. 

The month’s not over yet and I have to admit so far it’s been great. My bank balance and figure won’t thank me, but it’s been so nice to indulge in a few things I enjoy. 

Eating out

Theatre

Film

Music 

Friends 

Dating

Reading 

I had a girl’s night out at the start of the month, it’s been a very long time since I’ve got together for a girly one and it was great. A perfect combination of drinks, chatting, nice food and a good dance/sing to some ‘classics’. I can’t sing or dance great let’s be honest, but nothing does me the world of good more than a drink or two and dancing like a loon and ‘singing’ along to some old garage songs I used to love when I went clubbing when younger! 

I’ve eaten a gorgeous afternoon tea in London at a swish hotel, gastropub family birthday lunch, tasty bistro birthday meal, a late night ‘fancy’ burger and a steak dinner. All bar one were child free too which make the world of difference as for a change I could take my time, enjoy the flavours and savour my food! 

I watched the Tina Turner musical in the West End which I’ve wanted to see for a while - again I really like a good musical or simply a play at the theatre. This tends to be an annual visit nowadays so I think I appreciate and enjoy it even moreso. The musical was amazing - so much energy and emotion in the performance, it certainly didn’t disappoint. 

My fiancé and I couldn’t properly remember the last film we saw at the cinema and thanks to my in-laws we ended up seeing two films when we went out. Again - as with good music, good books (I’ve been getting into my reading again finally of a night before going to sleep) and a good play/show - I find films great escapism, a fun way to switch off and forget real life for a bit. We had a good mix of a lighthearted kids story and then a more adult Tarantino film. 

And speaking of my fiancé, we’ve had some time just us for a change, which is very rare and makes the world of difference. It’s so hard to even get in a brief conversation most the time - hence why our to do lists and social planing are always so behind! 

Oh and a bit of a lay in and breakfast in bed weren’t all that bad either! Sleep is extremely underrated pre-parenthood! 

I’ve still got a couple more things ahead too - a night out with friends and my fiancé at a ‘silent disco’ and a girly night out with a difference with my Mum, and mother and sister-in-law! I can’t wait!

Before kids we used to go out lots more and my fiancé would find new places to visit (immersive Alice in Wonderland was one, themed afternoon teas, music gigs, stand up shows). I love music gigs, live comedy and things that are a bit different and so I’m going to see if we can both really try to make more of an effort to invest in planning more regular time for us to enjoy these things again. 

Even if it’s a once every few months event, and we have to wait until our budget allows, we need to make sure we’re not missing out. 

Just a few moments rediscovering things I enjoy has made me feel so much like me again and reminded me who I am. And let’s not forget I’ve got to get back on that spinning bike as it’s been a while again now - if only to work off the after effects of all this ‘rediscovery’! 

Get your priorities right

Have you ever noticed how people’s ideas of priorities and what’s really important can differ so much?

For many the most important thing in life is family – they should always come first.

Then there are things such as health and making the most of life.

How do you decide what should take priority and is truly important?

Is there really a right or wrong?

I, for example, feel family always comes first and it should do. Life is too short and you should always be there for each other.

Others it seems do not feel the same way.

What do you do though in these situations and what should you do? Should we maintain a life of biting our tongue so as to keep the peace and harmony amongst family and friends.

Or should we be open and honest and say it as it is?

Are people often what we see as selfish as they don’t know any better or have just got their priorities muddled?

For example what would you do in the following scenarios:

Do everything for other people, but not be there to support your family members?
Enjoy an active social life as you’re on your own, but never make time to see family?
Spend money on material things, or think about others around you who you could help?
Check in with other people or just go to them when you need something?
Take the time to think about gifts/conversations or go for the quick and easy option?

Notice a pattern here? Hm, me too.

As we approach Christmas and are now in the festive season, this should be the time for giving. Sharing, caring and being kind to all, right?

So why do some people find this time of year it’s actually more appropriate to think of number one? But when it suits pull the sympathy card out?

Does this ring any bells for anyone? On talking to some people this seems more common than not.

The thing I get stuck on however is whether to pull people up on these lapses in judgement and behaviour, or to let them work their way through said weird spell and ignore it until they’re back to a more normal self?

Any advice would be much appreciated? That’s if you’ve got time to spare for me of course…

Living together lessons

I’ve been with my partner for over 9 years.
We’ve been engaged nearly 1 year.
We’ve been living together in a house, our first home together, for 1 month.

Help!

Previously I was living in a one bedroom flat which I bought around a year and a half/two years into our relationship. My fiancé used to stay over quite a lot but we didn’t actually live together.

We’ve been wanting to live together properly for years, but various reasons have meant financially that wasn’t an option.

Our search began in February this year and rather naively it didn’t hit me until literally the week before we moved in that this was it, we were actually going to be living as a proper couple. Still, I didn’t expect much to be different, after all we’ve been together years.

Wow, was I wrong.

It feels so so different. Where my fiancé does shifts we don’t see each other as much as other couples do anyway, but most mornings he gets up and says goodbye to me at the door which is such a lovely feeling. On those days he’s not working it’s lovely to have him here, particularly to come home to after work.

One slight issue, we are so different in character. Clearly this is something we’ve discovered way before now, but certain elements haven’t mattered as the flat before was my home and my property, now we’re in it together.

If I have things to do I like to crack on and just get them done. My fiancé likes to do things within his timeframe.
I like to keep things quite tidy and my fiancé often teases me I am ‘Monica’ from Friends. My fiancé isn’t messy as such, but is much more relaxed about tidying everything up.
I like to get help and guidance from our parents who have more life experience on things than us. My fiancé is keen we do things ourselves and stop involving others.

I could go on. Nothing here is horrendous, but as you can imagine we have bickered quite a bit in the last month.

I’ve also been learning a lot about myself (perhaps it’s being an only child), but I am quite selfish at times. I didn’t realise until we started looking at items for our home.

My fiancé describes my taste as ‘Essex’ and some pieces I’ve seen he feels are ‘chavvy’. I on the other hand think what I like is modern and looks good of course!

When we walk round I will see something I like and he’ll tend to not like it but look to compromise and see the good and bad in the item. He suggests something? My response mostly is ‘No’ and walking on. Awful, I know.

Until our wardrobes are fitted and complete my partner still has near enough all his items (clothes etc) at his parent’s house. His parents live really close to his base at work too so he’s still getting food for work from his Mum and picking up his clothes from home (as well as his washing). This also means we’re still not quite experiencing living together properly and it’s making things awkward around meal times and the like.

I really didn’t realise how even after so many years together we’d need to learn each other’s ways like this and need to adapt again and learn to compromise and take on each other’s ways.

Most people I know live with their partners already and have done for years, so I guess they’ve been through the same. I’ve had people at work giving me tips on how to ‘get things done’ by your other half and similar! But how about you guys? How have you found it when moving in with your other half? How long did it take you to get used to each other and settle?

Overall, I’m so pleased to be living together finally and be able to move forward in our relationship after so many years. I must admit though it’s not easy learning things about yourself (and your partner), particularly for someone who’s stubborn and of course ‘always right’ like me!

Birthday blogging

It's Wednesday 13th August. It's 2014.

This means it's my birthday!!! And it also means I am now 32.

I've now got two days off work to celebrate (doing whatever surprises my fiancé and parents have set up), but I've typically woken up really early and can't get back to sleep.

Lots of people have commented lately I've not been blogging, so here I am. Might as well do something whilst the other half snores next to me (bless him he came to bed super late last night). 

Birthdays are a big thing in my little family. There's only Mum, Dad and my Auntie. Oh and me of course. When it's somebody's birthday we tend to have more than one day of celebrating.

If it's a special birthday (18, 21, 30, 40, 50 etc etc) then it's ridiculous (well in some people's eyes, we love it!)

Two years ago I was spending this day on a beach on Koh Phangnan for my 30th. Yes I had a party/meal, a family thing, celebrations with my partner and a 2 week amazing holiday to Thailand. Well it was the big 3-0.

Everyone always comments how when we all turned 30 there was a big change in us and our outlook. We really studied our life so far and where it was going.

Strangely I feel that's been the case ever since.

I find birthdays, a little like Christmas, bittersweet. I love being the birthday girl and celebrating and spending the time doing something nice. However I do then start to judge things, "oh I thought by 32 I'd have this/be doing this/have been there/have tried that" etc etc. 

I also seem to get really focussed on friendships too. If someone I was close to forgot my birthday I know I'd really take it to heart. Silly I know as it's just one day and we all have lots going on in our lives. 

So why do we make such a fuss over birthdays in my family? I guess as there's so few of us and unlike others we don't put so much emphasis on Christmas presents etc. 

I guess it's because it's your day and all about you, you're not sharing with others.

Although technically of course you are - others born the same day. Like my late Granddad Jack, who too was a 13th August Leo. 

That's another thing on birthdays I tend to dwell on those no longer here. 

Still, I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing, all these points just tell me my emotions just crank up a notch at birthday time. 

So now I'm going to try laze in bed until my other half wakes up. And I'm going to blimming well enjoy today (and tomorrow...of course I'm celebrating twice). Let's see what surprises there are in store. 

It's been a stressy year so far, full of house buying sagas so my birthday is going to be fun! I'm excited to see what surprises lay in store.

Oh and of course when I go back to work Friday I've got girly drinks to look forward to too in the evening (alright alright, I know THREE days??!) 

Well here's to 32 and who's to say this can't be my year of having and achieving it all?? 

Valentine's Day

14th February, the day of love. Or a day for companies to charge the earth for red roses, tacky heart adorned products and overly long waits in restaurants with sub-standard cooked food.

Thought I better add that in there for the singletons and people who hate these card company commercial events!

As part of being in a relationship with someone who works shifts, unfortunately my man is working until 11pm this evening and so any efforts to mark this occasion will not be taking place today, on the day itself.

Well, that’s what we agreed, but as always I’ve been surprised (when will I ever learn) and I was still presented with a card (and a bonus card) and some beautiful flowers this morning when I woke up in a rush for work.

Already on the back foot I have been feeling guilty today, but we said we’d do all celebrations tomorrow when he has the day off, honest!!

I often get lots of little themed bits and pieces for him to open and feel all pleased with myself and then when we swap my stuff ends up looking rubbish! (I swear sometimes I am more like the stereotypical man in our relationship!)

Anyway this year I have decided to be different. Of course I can’t share with you what exactly as then it will give my plans away! I just hope I don’t end up being the one who looks rubbish again this year (this morning is not the best sign of that so far though!)

Although I don’t like looking like the rubbish one in the relationship, I can’t complain. I’d rather this than constantly be let down!

I’ve been looking forward to Valentine’s Day this year as it’s our first as an engaged couple (yes I do think of everything that way now).

However, looking to sell my flat and buy a house we had agreed this year we’d keep costs down and likely just cook a nice meal indoors on Saturday.

Thanks to my romantic partner, we have something else planned now.

He has come up with a lovely idea, which I thought I’d share – recreating our first date(s)!

This August we will have been together for 9 years (longer than some marriages as someone highlighted to me earlier this week!) and when I think back to when we first met I can still remember what I was wearing/he was wearing and how I felt.

I used to work in the Canary Wharf area in London and those that know it will know nearby there is a nice area called West India Quay which is home to lots of lovely waterfront bars, places to eat and similar. Obviously meeting somewhere like that in Summer was great as it was lovely and warm and a great location in the sun.

We’d first been introduced/forced together in April when his family and friends were ‘wetting the baby’s head’ for his nephew and then we were texting and in touch until finally we managed to arrange this date in August!
It went so well when we met up that we ended up having 2 dates in 1 week!

As we soon came to realise we both love talking (friends and family will definitely vouch for that). On our first date we’d agreed to meet for a drink and then head to see a film. We were talking so much we missed the film and ended up just chatting and then going for a meal (a huge step for me given I used to hate eating in front of men I liked!) The second time round we did manage to go see a film and again had a great time.

So we’ve decided (although it won’t be quite as sunny and warm in February!) for our celebrations this year we’re going to recreate those dates, with a few extras.

A relaxed day, mooching round a museum, having a relaxed lunch and drinks, watching a film and then a lovely tapas meal for dinner and reminiscing of when we first met. I can’t wait!

Enjoy your Valentine’s whatever you do and whenever you do them…

Since when did relationships mean so little?

Tonight I tuned into Celebrity Big Brother.

Yes my TV choice is poor and trashy, I'm the first to admit that. I'll also 'fess up the reason I was so keen to watch it on +1 was because I'd heard a former housemate was coming back in to stir up trouble surrounding 'love rat' Lee Ryan (former member of boyband Blue).

Getting ready to wind down and head to bed this Sunday evening before work tomorrow I'm fuming at the attitude and behaviour of this childish 'player' who's messed non stop with the heads and hearts (and goodness knows what else!) of two of the reality show's female participants.

Whilst I am fully aware this is all fun and games for the cameras and to set up the headlines for their gossip and celebrity magazine features, Mr Ryan's antics got me thinking about a topic I've been meaning to blog about for a while.

Relationships. And in particular this seemingly increasingly common attitude to not taking them seriously. 

Throughout my life and friendship groups I've seen many experiences of people cheating, breaking up and things not being as well as they seemed on the surface. 

However whether it's been cheating, break ups or divorce, with people I know or those I've simply heard about, one common theme seems to run true. 

Relationships, moreso loyalty just does not seem to count for much anymore.

When did things change and it became so commonplace to walk away from a long term relationship without trying? 

Who prompted this behaviour of as soon as you've taken the next step (marriage, moving in together) one partner is tempted elsewhere? 

I've lost count of the number of females who have relayed tales of nights out being approached by men in relationships (most commonly married). 

Or people who seem to stay faithful for years of courtship and then do the dirty not long after tying the knot.

Me and my partner have always had similar views on this topic thankfully.

However, since getting engaged myself just over a month ago it hits home even harder for me now.

I just cannot imagine making that commitment (and why would you) to someone and not taking it seriously.

Don't get me wrong. I'm no angel and I've done my fair share of behaving badly, but I was very young and foolish and having grown up and being in what I realised were actual 'proper' relationships I've known I'd never ever do those things again.

Plus those of you who have ever been cheated on you'll know how it feels and personally I couldn't do that to another human after being through it myself. 

And I'm not trying to say us ladies are saints, oh no I know plenty of tales from both sides of the gender fence and ages too. 

I may sound extremely old fashioned and of course I don't want us to go back to a time when people were ashamed and frightened and stayed in abusive and unhappy relationships as a result. That is no good.

But in typical boy meets girl (or of course even boy meets boy) situations what's wrong with trying to stick at it and stay strong, trying to work through things together? 

Or even those who don't have issues to get through, why isn't one person enough? Why get yourself into these committed situations if you don't want to/can't commit? 

If you like to sleep around or have a wandering eye don't set up home with someone in the first place! 

And as for people with children that 'play away from home' that is something I just can't even talk about. 

I've always been a natural flirt when I'm out and my boyfriend is well aware, I think banter with the opposite sex is normal and harmless. In fact there is nothing wrong with appreciating that someone is attractive. But you don't act on it. 

Recently I went to a club which was one of my favourites. I love going out drinking and having a good dance (especially if there's garage involved!) I always remember commenting positively to the girls before on the types of men who go there. 

This was my first time back there since I got engaged. The music was okay and I had fun with friends, but I found all I wanted to do was stand/dance with my man and kept checking my ring sparkling away! 

One of the things I love about being engaged is feeling I really belong to someone (not in a caveman-esque way). Knowing someone cares about me that they want to spend the rest of their life with me.

I believe and hope that is what they mean by this gesture as well. 

When I sit and look at that ring on my finger I think of the person who gave it to me. I think of the future ahead. I think of the times we've been through. I don't for one second panic I'm now trapped and stuck with one person forever. I don't long for my hen night so I can plan one last evening to be a bit naughty. 

I just am so thankful it's finally my turn and I've found a soulmate. 

How people can take that sort of commitment with a pinch of salt and throw it away or treat it like it's nothing I will never know. 

Everybody has different goals and thoughts in life, but for me this is something that can't change over time.

You find love, you treat it with the respect it deserves and you sure as hell don't waste it. 

All you need is love

I'm not in the best of moods today. I'm hungover, I'm tired and I'm 'in the bad books' with the boyfriend.

Realising I couldn't hole up in my little flat today and feel sorry for myself because I needed to go shopping did not help.

People getting in my way, a rude, ungrateful old woman on the bus and overheated shops weren't doing my mood any favours either.

You can hazard a guess at my feelings when one shop worker kept referring to me as 'dear' too. I should add he was young and saying it to me the way you might say 'you alright dear?' to an old lady in the street if they were struggling!

However, something happened today which brought tears to my eyes, put a huge smile on my face and reminded me of how lovely life and people can be.

I was queuing up and to be honest getting a bit impatient having to wait (I warned you I was in a bad mood today!) 

"Can you just ice it with three three o please?...Bit random I know."

Being nosey I started listening in when the guy in front of me made his request to the shop assistant. 

And of course I started thinking how odd it was to get a small chocolate tablet iced with some numbers. What could it be? Some code with a loved one? Or a football or sporting reference with his mates? 

The young female shop assistant quipped "What's that your house number or something?" 

Looking sheepish the guy laughed "That obvious is it?" 

Both shop girl and I looked confused. 

At this the guy started to elaborate and my heart and ice maiden mood started to melt. 

"Yeah it is our house number, our new house actually. I've just been and completed on it today."

Aw what a nice little gift for your girlfriend/boyfriend. 

"My girlfriend doesn't know we've got it"

What? How? Surely he means she didn't know it was going to complete today or something.

"Yeah when we saw it she was just like 'I want this one' and I've managed to keep it all a surprise from her."

Aw... Shopgirl and I oohed and aahed how sweet this was. What a surprise!! Nice guy.

"Actually we're going out tonight for dinner where I'm going to tell her."

Aw...

"And I'm actually going to propose to her tonight."

Oh. My. God. What a man. What a lucky girl. 

"Yeah the place we're going to eat is somewhere I used to work actually and where we first met, she came in and I served her." 

Eyes now welled up, my face was beaming with the biggest smile and both me and the shop assistant cooed over him, saying what a romantic guy, what an amazing boyfriend.

At that he took his small chocolate gift and the shopgirl said she hoped his girlfriend said yes. How couldn't she?

"Good luck!" we shouted after him as he left. 

Wow. What an incredible evening for this couple, an out of this world surprise for this girl and a lovely lovely new life ahead for them both. 

I had to stop myself Facebooking and Tweeting this experience immediately. I walked out smiling and with a bit of a bounce in my step. Nothing like some human kindness and a bit of romance to brighten your day. 

So as I sit on my sofa still feeling the effects of last night's boozing I hope said couple have a wonderful night and thank them for cheering up this moaning moody madam! 

How many of our generation will celebrate a ruby wedding anniversary?

Today my parents celebrate their ruby wedding anniversary. That's forty years together. 40.

This makes me happy because it shows relationships can last and people can spend their whole lives together when they get married.

Now don't get me wrong I was bought up in a healthy happy family - my parents, grandparents and aunt and uncle all stayed together. I wasn't surrounded by divorce.

However it's as I've got older and I've felt like I'm surrounded by relationships not lasting and cheating a seemingly commonplace and acceptable behaviour.

So today I am happy for my parents and look forward to cooking them a nice meal and celebrating with them later today.

However, I also feel a touch sad at the fact something tells me they lasted this long since they are from an older generation and this isn't going to be something experienced much in my later years.

Since when did relationships seem to mean less, when was it decided it's easier to throw things away and start anew than work on things? How come so many people seem so laid back about cheating?

I used to be shocked when I heard about people I know splitting up because somebody cheated. Now? It still upsets me, but I almost expect it from some.

Yes if I'm honest it isn't what I'd planned - still being officially 'single' at the age of 30. I have a boyfriend of over seven years but we don't live together, we're not engaged or married. We don't have children together.

Don't worry I'm not about to freak my man out, he knows how I feel as I do him!!

One thing is though I trust him completely and we have a very trusting and healthy relationship I feel. It's all about give and take, we're realistic, we're best of friends. So no we've not had the big day or have a lovely house to show our friends round or have family over to, but together we're happy.

In this day and age if I'm honest I feel this is probably worth a whole lot more.

Bad boys: why do they appeal?

Unfortunately most of us ladies will have had experience of a bad relationship with a ‘bad boy’, or if not definitely know someone who has. If you’re even more unlucky you’ll have had more than one encounter of this kind.

If like me, you’ll have watched from afar as you see your girlfriends treated appallingly – spoken to like rubbish, emotionally blackmailed, had mind games played with or even physically abused – and said ‘I’d never let them happen to me’. You question why people stand for it? Worse still they stay with the person and go back for more.

Never you, right?

Wrong.

I am pretty sure that once in a woman’s life she will experience a bad boy. I hate to wish this on anyone, but I reckon I’m right. Regardless of how strong a female you believe yourself to be, when you fall for this type of guy you fall big time and don’t recognise yourself at the end of it.

But why? What is it about us girls that makes us so attracted to bad boys?

Have you ever noticed they’ve always got a charm about them? Even if they’re not super attractive, they have something in their personality or their aura even that pulls you in and makes them likeable.

I think there are four main things that make up a bad boy – everyone likes them (they seem to be the cool friend in a group), their personality that pulls you in, the excitement of being with someone a bit ‘dangerous’ and last but not least generally they seem to be very good in bed…

But then what is it about them that once you realise actually they’re a bit of an a*****le, you still can’t let go? How do they have this hold over you?

New research [http://www.livescience.com/20294-women-choose-bad-boys.html] has suggested the initial attraction – how you get stuck with these wastes of space – is down to our hormones. At certain times we’re drawn to men who seem a bit bad and our hormones signal to us they’ll make good fathers.

Other studies suggest it is how we have evolved as humans – rather than learning bad boys are bad (like we thought in the past [http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/repairing-relationships/201206/are-women-naturally-attracted-the-bad-boy], where the media plays up the ‘rogue’ as the attractive character us ladies have changed our mind and got the wrong impression.

Or we can be told the guy that’s no good for you pulls you in as they offer something fresh and different [http://www.elle.com/life-love/sex-relationships/bad-boys-330937].

Whilst researcher Peter Jonason [http://www.elle.com/life-love/sex-relationships/bad-boys-330937] argues women who don’t like to feel deep emotion and prefer to keep an emotional distance are actually most prone to going for the bad guy.

This just seems like madness at first – the ones who are trying to stop themselves from getting hurt are the ones who go to the man who is most likely to hurt them. However, if you think about it for a minute those of us who think we’re strong are probably the ones likely to hold back like Jonason suggests.
The worrying thing though is that surely that means you are destined to keep dating bad boys as once you’ve been hurt you’ll be even more cautious with your emotion?

In a relationship now for seven years with someone who isn’t a nasty person I can safely tell you it doesn’t have to be a pattern! There are good guys out there, but you do need to learn to trust.

After being with someone for over three years I eventually got rid and learnt my lesson, but why did I stay there so long? I decided to see if good old Google could help provide some suggestions…

To be honest I couldn’t see a lot – certainly nothing other than common sense answers I could give myself. When you’re in these relationships a lot of it is about mind games. And this is a popular answer people give – it’s an emotional thing. You feel comfortable being in that relationship and get stuck in a rut, you are fearful you won’t meet someone else, your confidence is knocked and you think this is as good as it gets, you forgive too easily and make excuses.

As cliché as it sounds, I was once told by a relative of mine – who herself had been in a bad relationship (in fact she was married to him), that when you meet these bad boys and it all goes wrong you put up with things. A lot. But then one day something snaps and enough is enough. You stop putting up with it.

Then starts the long old process of getting over it and becoming that strong woman again.

My advice? Obviously you would think avoid the bad boys. Yes of course. But you know what, sometimes there is one benefit of being with a bad boy. Like everything in life you shouldn’t have regrets I feel and after being with someone like that you sure as hell learn from it and know what you will never ever put up with again – meaning future relationships are stronger, healthier and more successful.

Is a woman's place still in the kitchen?

I'm no forceful feminist, I don't want to constantly argue women's case throughout life, nor try and 'get one up' on men. However, I'm also not a wannabe Desperate Housewife, wanting to stay at home all day and pander to a man's every whim.

For me, in any relationship, everything needs to be fair - whether it's sharing chores, managing money or sorting social plans.

We all know in the past men were traditionally seen as the hunter-gatherers and women were there to look after the children and keep everyone fed and happy in the home. Times have changed though since then. Or have they?

I often joke with friends that my relationship with my boyfriend is a case of role reversal - I'm the one who goes out drinking and acting the fool, the one who suffers all day with the hangover and needs looking after. It is my boyfriend who takes care of me and complains about my never learning to drink less.

Don't get me wrong, I think that whatever works best for the couple in question is the right way to be, who am I to say how others' relationships should work.

However, it's whether or not both sides are happy that bothers me and I find it shocking how 'traditional' roles for women are still expected and very apparent in relationships today and our modern world.

Women who don't go to a physical office or place of employment, are still labelled as 'just a housewife'.

I don't have kids and until I do I don't really know the full extent of what being a Mum involves, let alone one who stays at home. However from my own Mum and friends of mine who are mothers I certainly think that caring for a person's life, washing, cleaning, cooking, getting up for feeds and lots more surely constitutes a job in itself.

Why is it that we still feel like certain chores or roles in the home and in family life are gender specific? I admit I'm guilty myself of being far too comfortable with letting my boyfriend take the rubbish bags downstairs for me to the binstore. Although, this is more laziness on my part, rather than thinking 'it's a man's job!'

This topic has come more into the light for me lately, what with my Mum finding herself pretty helpless after breaking her leg. My Mum gave up employment once she had me and never returned to work, becoming a stay at home Mum and 'housewife'. My Dad took on the typical role of 'breadwinner' and they stuck to these roles ever since.

The result now of course is that my Dad is - in his early 60s - having to learn domestic life whilst my Mum recovers from her injury. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing and ironing.

However I also know more modern couples that act in this way, again not necessarily something the female in the relationship may have chosen.

Why is it in 2012 men still feel they earn the money, so the woman is indebted to them, to do everything within the home? This even seems to be the case when the girlfriend/wife works themselves. How is this fair?

I feel I'm a little unfair commenting on this at times, since I count myself lucky being in a relationship with someone that doesn't feel this way at all.

He doesn't think men and women have set roles to fill and although we don't live together he helps me keep my flat clean and shares chores with me without question. I also know without a doubt whenever we do one day have children he won't shy away from doing his share and would be happy to look after the child, help with feeds and change those dreaded nappies.

So when are people going to wake up to the fact men and women can take on any roles they want and works for them? And when are we going to stop judging those who do take on these 'traditional' roles if it's right for them?

He loves me, she loves me more

Apparently people like to read blog posts that come right out and say something that causes debate.

Well, I've got one for you - in relationships one person always loves the other more.

Recently this has caused a few conversations at work and with friends outside of work. So I thought I'd put it to you. What do you think?

Think about it. Honestly. Just step back a minute and seriously consider this. If you're in a relationship stop and wonder, or think back to previous partners. Who always seemed to keep giving no matter what? Who truly loved without judgement?

"But our relationship is equal" "We love each other just the same". Rubbish. And I hate to break it to you, but if you're the one arguing this you're probably the one that loves more.

Does one of you tend to back down in arguments more than the other? Is one of you always dreaming of an ideal future of beautiful babies and a wonderful wedding day?

Now I'm not saying this is a negative situation. Far from it, I think this is what keeps relationships healthy. In the same way those couples who 'never argue' leave you rolling your eyes, because everyone knows a tiff now and then does no harm and keeps a spark.

Like most things in life, you need balance. The same is said for love.

It doesn't always have to be the same either, oh no I'm quite open to the fact that this can change. Over the life of a relationship who loves who more will inevitably change, depending on what events you both go through together.

Even if you love someone with all your heart and soul, you may be the one who loves less in your relationship. This is because it doesn't necessarily mean you don't love or care for someone, just the other person loves you just that little bit more. It doesn't make you the 'baddie'.

Of course there are relationships where one person loves less for negative reasons - they're cheating, they've fallen out of love and don't know how to tell their partner - but all I'm saying is it doesn't always have to be this way.

So there I've said it. There's always one who loves the other more in a relationship. What do you think? Am I talking rubbish? Am I nasty for even saying this out loud? Have I spoken about the 'unsaid'? Or am I scarred from past bad relationships? Let me know.

The other thing, someone said to me in our 'discussion' that you're better off being the one who loves less, you'll always be happy and cherished. I tend to agree. But what if you're naturally the bigger lover? Can you reduce your levels of love?

And as for my relationships, who do I think was/is the one to love more?....



You really think I'm that stupid? I'm not writing about that!!

A breakdown in communication

The classic line or tag of blame, we've all been there "It seems to be down to a breakdown in communication."

Ah yes a breakdown in communication. Why is it us humans find it so hard to communicate effectively with one another?

Working in a comms role you constantly come across different means of communication available to us all nowadays and how best to do it digitally in particular.

So why is it that as time has gone on and we've got more ways to communicate with one another, we seem to find it harder. Is anyone really expressing what they want to say?

I'm no exception. The majority of the time I probably don't say what I think, at risk of offending.

In a country where people are obsessed with being politically correct, it's no wonder people don't often say how they feel.

I love to talk, but when it comes to talking frankly about something upsetting me I clam up. Rather than telling my boyfriend I'm upset, for example, quite often I'll scribble a note instead. Or I'd rather get angry and into a tiff with my boyfriend before I'll eventually breakdown and say what's bothering me.

We seem to live our lives tiptoeing around others without communicating properly. In this digital age it is now so easy to hide behind a Facebook status, strongly worded email or text message. The idea of talking face to face seems intimidating to people now and so the opinion or instructions you are trying to relay get lost.

Those who work in an office will know how much communication goes on over email, instant messaging or internal chat systems - most often with those in the same room, or on the same desk as you. Mad but true.

I've worked with technical teams throughout my working career (my whole 8 years' worth) and have found issues however they are set up. In the same office, in another office, in another country - no matter what there is always confusion, arguments and complaints.

Working in office environments for years it is evident how bad various departments are at talking to one another.

The problem is we're all set in our own ways and how we like to handle things. So nobody wants to back down or take influence from anyone else's style or approach - hence nobody learns, they communicate in their own way and the messages get lost.

Brits I think are worse as there is the whole 'stiff upper lip' outlook. On our train we avoid eye contact and people don't smile at one another. Someone annoys us on the train, we say nothing until our anger and frustration at their behaviour builds up and up.

I've had work instances where people seem to fall into a pattern of not talking to other offices/departments about how they feel and how they want to work together. In turn they let their annoyances build up and go to their seniors first before talking to their peers, leading to a bigger issue than was there in the first place and causing a 'situation' for the company.

Someone bothers another in a group of friends, it's easier to bitch about them and post a negative message via social media to get your point across. What happened to good old fashioned talking?

I get so frustrated in work situations when things aren't communicated properly at work internally. When you're all from the same company and are all trying to achieve the same results overall why not work together? Why not keep people informed?

I am probably guilty of over-communicating in some situations at work as I like everyone to know all the facts. If I don't know what's happening with my clients or where I stand in my role or future prospects I can't stand it. Therefore I'll do notes and bullet points galore about anything I've been involved in. Again to me this works, but to others I probably annoy them bothering them with info they likely don't even need to know.

So the next time you want to know what your friend really thinks, you think a colleague has let you down, your loved one has upset you, step back and be a bit old fashioned for a change... Talk and say what you really think. Perhaps we could start a 'new' way of communicating trending?

Valentines Day

Lingering kisses and romantic wishes
Breakfast in bed, offers to do the dishes

Long lines of loving words as cards are exchanged
Excitement over what surprise plans have been arranged

Dining out, eating in
Champagne corks popping, glasses chinking

Watching loved up films on TV or at the cinema
Everywhere you look, themed gifts wherever you are

Everything red or covered in hearts
Flowers, teddy bears, underwear, it must look the part

Girls dressed in red, guys frantically rushing round for gifts
Wanting to impress and make sure the day's a hit

Or longingly watching the letterbox and doormat
Waiting for a card, ooh...what was that?

Surrounded by reminders you're on your own
Couples affectionate around you, you wish you'd stayed home

Constant announcements of love all day
If someone's desperately in love you hope they'll stay away

As people gush over their planned meals out and already what they've done
You're thinking ahead to your flat, alone and with your meal for one

Memories of lost loves and previous years
You make jokes about the day instead, you won't waste any tears

Whatever Valentine's may mean to you
I wish you a good day and know there's definitely people out there that love you

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

I had a dream

Last night I had a dream. Well I say a dream, more like a nightmare. It's very odd, whenever I'm not feeling that well I seem to have scary or disturbing thoughts in my sleep.

Yesterday was no exception. I went to bed wrapped up in my duvet, feeling sorry for myself and wheezing away. Very attractive!

However I woke up in the early hours of this morning in a sweat and feeling like I'd been punched in the stomach.

This latest nightmare - following the likes of family deaths, disasters, robberies and kidnappings - involved my boyfriend.

Picture this, being at a birthday party in a house which quite frankly is a lot better than your home, with a whole host of interestingly new and very close friends. You're all there to celebrate your birthday and life is great.

Then smack BANG change to images of you discovering a new entry in your partner's phone and confronting a very close friend of yours about it. He clearly doesn't care or think it's a big deal when he tells you this is simply the number of somebody your partner met on a holiday you weren't involved in.

He then adds in a very blasé way that oh yes your partner has also been hiring a prostitute on a regular basis.

Now when you stop giggling at my mental dreams and random thoughts when I sleep, just think about how it feels when you have one of those dreams where it feels so so real.

I literally woke up devastated and on the verge of tears. I sleepily called out to my boyfriend to cuddle me and for one stupid split second considered was this dream some sort of message or hint towards real life.

Why on earth does this keep happening though? What is it that causes me to have disturbing dreams when I'm under the weather? Does anyone else have this happen to them?

One things for sure this bad dream which had me frowning earlier has had me smiling ever since. Giggling with a colleague when telling my tale and then this evening laughing non stop with my boyfriend at the whole idea of it all.

Who knows maybe these nasty nightmares are there as a message. A message to remind me how lucky I am and not to forget to appreciate those loved ones around me. Either that or I'm going round the twist and need to lay off the lemsip...

Giving men the red card

So, when I asked recently for ideas of what people would like to see from my blog, what was the overwhelming response from men? Football, of course.

Growing up with a Dad who wasn’t really all that fussed about football, I had always also managed to date men who weren’t too bothered about the sport either. A lucky escape I felt. However, on meeting my current boyfriend – and after six years of being together – I have had to face the experience of being with a football fanatic. A die hard Hammers fan since he was old enough to understand the game, my boyfriend had been to most of the team’s home games and a lot of away games too. He was a season ticket holder and has numerous kits and West Ham merchandise.

In fact, when we first met one another I decided to make a real effort and actually bought a West Ham shirt and went to a few games (some of which were even all the way in Manchester!) Since then and various circumstances changing, my boyfriend actually no longer has a season ticket (wait for all the hate mail from that one, I promise it wasn’t just down to me that he got rid of it).

I guess in that sense I have once again been lucky as I’m with someone who understands the importance of different aspects in life and isn’t so obsessed with football that he would refuse to give up his season ticket for instance. Of course though there are lot of men out there who are like that and often put the sport first.

What is it about this game that takes men in such a firm grasp and holds their attention for so long? You know what men are like if you try to get them to concentrate on plans you have, but yet if they are faced with anything featuring their favourite team they can concentrate for hours on end.

Opinions are another thing, talk to a man about something that happened at work or a story you read on your commute and you might get a few grunts in response. You find out a new player is being signed or a football match is on and the referee makes a questionable decision, well just sit back and watch what happens then. Oh how the opinions flow…If you come across the so-called ‘glory hunters’ then just watch the sparks fly – people in London who support teams like Liverpool, or Chelsea fans who have never actually been to a game, oh dear…

Admittedly when I went to some actual games I did get caught up in the spirit and enjoyed it, but watching a match on television bores me to death. What is this fascination with a few men kicking a ball around a field? After all realistically that’s what this is.

Don’t even get me started on how much they get paid; it infuriates me when you see people who do jobs that actually make a real difference to the world getting paid a pittance. Yet you see a well-dressed, over-gelled hairstyled young man who can kick a ball and likes to sleep around and that warrants a ridiculously high salary to keep them stocked up with sports cars, endless champagne and designer clobber.

If you’ve ever been to a game you’ll know the transformation men go through when watching their team play – even the most mild mannered non-swearer will turn into a foul mouthed angry yob-like individual. The words that come out of my boyfriend’s mouth when he’s at a match (and that’s just when I’m there) are disgusting. Now, I’m not a pure mouthed angel, don’t get me wrong, but some of the things people say – and often in front of young children – are awful.

I know of some men who want silence when they’re watching a game, or those that have to watch all the pre match and post match analysis and then do their own commentary as well. Not only do some of us ladies lose our man every Saturday to a game, we then have to deal with them switching on the TV later on in the evening to rewatch it all on Match of the Day!

So, sorry guys, but I just don’t get this obsession. Who knows maybe this is a gender thing and your football fantasy is the equivalent to our clothes purchasing pleasures. All I know is the most interesting football match I’ve ever seen was one back in my Uni days in the student union pub after many a glass of wine…well I had to get through it somehow!

Burying their heads in the sand: men and their Ostrich syndrome

I was asked recently to blog about what it is about men that means they don’t like to ask for help, why it is when faced with an issue they bury their heads in the sand – in what we’ll call the Ostrich Syndrome.

We all know the classic examples – lost when driving they go into denial, can’t find what they need in a shop they will keep walking around until it appears, or just leave empty handed, the list goes on.

When it comes to relationships, a lot of men are even worse. Us ladies might well get accused of talking too much but at least we share and try to solve things. Men? Oh no, the favoured approach – according to a lot of my single friends – seems to be to just start acting like an a***h**e when the going gets tough and try and deal with it that way.

Not sure if you want to be with a girl anymore? Just treat her like rubbish and wait for her to dump you. Finding it hard to break it to a lady you don’t want another date with her – don’t worry just don’t bother contacting her and ignore her attempts to contact you. Find someone else you think you fancy more than your current partner, just relax, sleep with them both until one finds out and makes the decision for you!

The same is true if something is bothering a man emotionally, quite often men seem to have this block where they don’t want to back down or show their softer side. This then leads to men giving the impression they don’t care, when in reality they really truly do. I know of guys that end up making themselves ill or really stressed out just because they can’t face the reality of their situation and talk to people around them. They’d rather deny it all and leave it to another day to deal with.

So why are men so scared to deal with things and ask for help? Why is there this feeling that it is seen as a sign of weakness to admit you need help?

Why would a man rather be deemed a nasty person with no heart, than try being honest and talk truthfully about their feelings and thoughts?

I’ve had experiences of male family members who struggled to show their emotions and boyfriends where it took a long time to face their fears and start dealing with life. I think all of us will have experienced some form of male Ostrich Syndrome at some point.

Men, when will you take your heads out the sand and realise? Us women want you to talk, you don’t need to be the strongest in control one all the time, we’d rather you just be you. Everybody makes mistakes, if you can’t find something or you take a wrong turn it doesn’t matter. If you decide after a first date we’re not quite what you thought we were, then please just tell us early on and let us know from the start rather than break our hearts after date number ten (or even year number three).

On the other hand, women reading this blog, please do rest assured they’re not all like this. There are honestly plenty of good men out there who will open up – granted the majority of the time they’ll keep most things clammed up inside, but on the odd occasion you might just get a bit of honesty or a cry for help from them…Honest…