Kind and proud

In this current world where there is so much hate and anger and nastiness, it feels like we’re very much in need of the reminder on today’s World Kindness Day.

Be kind.

It’s so tempting at times when most people you encounter seem selfish, rude or impolite. Why should you be the one to make the effort and be pleasant?

Bringing children up in the world right now at times makes me feel sad and guilty. They’re growing up in what seems like pretty negative times and it doesn’t feel you experience kindness all that often! 

Like most parents I often experience parenting guilt, am I bringing the children up right? Are we teaching them how to be decent people? What are the traits we want and need them to have?

At present we’re also in the middle of viewing primary schools in order to decide on our ideal choice for our eldest. 

I won’t lie it’s so far been a lot tougher than I imagined it would be. First off, what should you be looking for? What’s important? 

The chances of even getting your first choice where we live are pretty slim as it is.

Plus things have changed a lot since me and her Dad went to school, we’ve learnt that for sure when doing these visits! 

One point I think we’ve always agreed on is a huge thing we do want to make sure of is our children are kind. 

And today we had our preschooler’s 2nd ‘parent-keyworker’ meeting and learnt just that. 

As I sat with tears welling in my eyes I felt myself burst with pride and my heart swell to hear how our firstborn is kind and caring, what a sensitive soul she is, how she helps comfort the new and younger children coming to the preschool and more. 

Yes I asked and heard about more academic areas which are super important to me. However, it made me so happy to hear our little girl was so sweet and thoughtful. 

In a way hearing more how she behaves when she’s away from me and her Dad and siblings has also helped shed some light for me on what sort of school might suit her too. 

So thank you to my darling daughter on this World Kindness Day for making me so proud of how kind you are turning out to be. 

(And as an added bonus our twin boy has now learnt and likes to say I Love You!) 

So why should you be kind to others? Why make the effort when people seem so selfish nowadays? Think how it makes you feel when someone is kind to you and there you’ll find your answer 

All I ever wanted

All I ever wanted

All I ever wanted was to make my parents proud and do well

All I ever wanted was to be a Mum, a child to call my own 

All I ever wanted was to have a home - nothing fancy, but somewhere to be proud

All I ever wanted was to have someone to love, to love me

All I ever wanted was a happy life, nothing fancy, but to enjoy it 

All I ever wanted was the basics 

All I ever wanted was fairness

All I ever wanted was truth, trust

All I ever wanted was a true partner, to support each other and be a team

All I ever wanted was a little family to look out for one another 

I never wanted lies

I never wanted arguing

I never wanted the fancy things in life

I never wanted heartache and hurt

I never wanted to live a lie

I never wanted to struggle 

All I ever wanted was us

What I thought was us

What I thought we had

What I thought we would be

Now it’s just hurt anger lies and letdowns

It’s not all I ever wanted at all

Dark mornings, nights and days

Dark mornings, nights and days

When the light closes on another day

When yet again it ends with a sigh of dismay

As tired eyes can’t focus anymore

When energy is so low and raw

A constant weight upon the chest

Shoulders so heavy, needing a rest 

The heart throbs with a constant ache

When it feels it’s always take take take

Nothing left to try and fight

No longer knowing what’s really right 

That constant pulling further down

The smile well hidden behind a frown

Tightness in the head and neck

Feeling a complete and utter wreck

No idea what to do anymore

Those tense shoulders so on edge and sore 

Wondering about a way out

To stop the constant need to shout 

Nobody listening truly hearing the pain

Despite the hints at truth again and again

Is it all just emotive drama like a TV soap

Constantly wanting a fix, some sign of hope

Ups and downs, a rollercoaster ride

Just can’t do it anymore, just too tired 

How three little lives can stop those ideas

Keeping them happy and safe, hurting them the fear

Can’t be selfish nowadays on you they depend

So for now you continue and see no end 

Ups and downs

So it's now 25 days. I can't believe I've spent nearly the whole month of May off work and dealing with what's happened. 

I'm still dealing with it and our lives are still deeply impacted by our loss.

I know we're never going to 'get over' this and it'll be an experience we'll never forget. This will always be with us. But rightly so, I don't want to forget our first child.

However, slowly but surely I think I'm having more and more better days.

My only wish now is desperately praying the physical side is going to stop some point soon.

My emotions can still change at any time, but I'm definitely crying less. And today even I cried happy tears.

One big change this week has been I've started to read again. Those who know me know I'm a real bookworm and I couldn't believe it when I lost all interest in books and reading. Yes, I am finding it harder to concentrate and am reading slower than I did. However, I did get some sort of enjoyment from reading.

Other little steps have been to do small things on my own - yes they were just to walk to our doctors round the corner, or the shops or my parents. I've done it on my own though and have had a couple of days where I've spent a good few hours at home on my own. This is a pretty big step really when I think about it since I couldn't bear to be apart from my fiancé before.

Due to the physical side still ongoing I'm still very tired and needing to rest a lot which at times I've found frustrating. 

I can't gym, but I can go for walks and I've been trying to make a start on our garden. Although I do need to remember my limits right now else I end up not feeling great.

Another step this week has been to finally see a friend. So far it's been close family only - my parents and my fiance's family. I actually found the experience did me good. 

Seeing anyone non-family on my own without my fiancé though still feels a step a bit too far. 

I also had my hairdresser over to dye my roots. It may sound vain, but it has helped my confidence slightly to have those grey and white hairs that had appeared hidden away. 

I've also collected a photobook today which I had made of memories of Little Seed which I plan to keep in a keepsake box of our little one. 

On Saturday I have another follow up scan to see if this second set of medical management has worked. I really feel I need that appointment to go 'well'. 

I continue to get comfort from other people in similar situations, people who've been through this in the past, my fiancé and family members, seeing the lovely flowers people continue to send and the photobook today brought happy tears. 

So although it feels a long way to go still, I'm finally feeling like I'm starting on that journey forward. Keep everything crossed for me this physical part starts to stop soon! 

One Week On

A week since we found out we'd lost you

It feels like mere moments we've been through

The rollercoaster ride continues, small improvements then massive drops

Emotions constantly changing, the heartache tears, anger and hurt never stops

Starting to see small positives in those around us

Friends, family, work all supporting and there to make a fuss

Such kind words, thoughtful touches, gifts and offers of helping hands 

Truly appreciating all we have, even those we thought maybe were not part of our life plans 

Truly thinking of ways to remember our Little Seed

So grateful of those who've been there in our worst moment of need

Sharing experiences with those who've been through this same hell

At times surprised by some who I thought I knew well

Not trusting my thoughts, feelings or body, time to time 

Trying not to jump to conclusions, knowing not all impressions are truly mine

My love for my partner continues to grow and grow

His kindness, support and never-ending giving means more than you could know 

Truly learning for the first time to put me at the number one spot

So many lessons from this harrowing experience I feel I've got

That empty feeling I doubt can ever be filled, I can't believe anymore tears could exist within me

I'll always miss and love our Little Seed, though I hope in time we will be able to have another baby 

It would be truly, loved, wanted like no other

But wouldn't be our first baby, but Little Seed's sister or brother 

Have you ever noticed?

Have you ever noticed how just as you learn to trust you get let down?

Have you ever noticed how you wake up feeling you've been punched in the stomach when things are wrong?

Have you ever noticed those you love the most are the ones to shock the most?

Have you ever noticed when you've got an important decision to make you just want to ignore it?

Have you ever noticed how you get that feeling of nausea when you do start to think about that decision?

Have you ever noticed how trust is so overlooked?

Have you ever noticed how everyone close rallies round in need but they don't really know what it's going to be like now?

Have you ever noticed how the basics some take for granted are what you crave the most?

Have you ever noticed how your life is so entwined with someone else, but too late?

Have you ever noticed how hard it is to mend broken trust?

Have you ever noticed how people aren't always as they seem?

Have you ever noticed that life goes on, but you can't see how?

Have you ever noticed how good you are at putting on a brave face, but inside you're broken?

Have you ever noticed the most important decisions for you, you always want others to decide for you?

Have you ever noticed how life can completely change with just a few words or actions?

Have you ever noticed bad things have bad timing?

Have you ever noticed how everyday things when gone leave a huge black hole?

Have you ever noticed how nothing in life is ever all good at the same time? Work, love, family, friends?

Have you ever noticed what a fool you feel when you seem the last to know?

Have you ever noticed that even if you may feel fat you just feel empty?

Have you ever noticed how you actually can't bear to be alone?

Have you ever noticed all those plans you make are worth nothing and get smashed in seconds?

Have you ever noticed those warning signs started long ago?

Have you ever noticed how one person impacts so many?

Have you ever noticed you always seem to be the one who's left waiting?

Have you ever noticed what seems ideal to others is not what what it seems?


Have you ever noticed those warning signs and stopped things rather than ignore them?
No, me neither.