You’ve got a friend in Mum

 I’ve just got home from a spin class at my local gym - first time in over a year! I’m buzzing and hooray it’s seemingly sparked something in my brain.

Sat down for a quick cuppa before another shower and going to pick up my twins from preschool, I’ve switched on the television to this...

Ta-dah my little brain has switched on and FINALLY I’ve found a topic I want to blog about! 

Let’s be honest this year has been pretty bleak and stressful and quite frankly I’ve found it hard to find time or even anything to inspire me to blog...

Here it is. So can Mums be friends with daughters? This is a question the Jeremy Vine Show has posed today - I should just add it also was great to see an all female panel/hosts today too on a topical program which debates current affairs.

I guess the way I’ll be answering this is two fold - one as my role as a daughter myself and secondly as my position now as a mother to my own daughters (and a son). 

When I was younger I loved my parents dearly and had a good relationship with both of them and I remember getting comfort when young from my Mum but knowing she was in charge as the adult. I wouldn’t say at that point it was necessarily as a friend it was a family love and relationship. 

However once I got older at secondary school, becoming a teen and starting to get good old hormones things changed. You don’t want to be seen with your parents it’s embarrassing and not cool. I wouldn’t want my Mum to come in dressing rooms with me and we’d bicker over clothes and our opinions. I look back now and I totally get why this made my Mum so sad.

Having a precious innocent four year and two year old twins I can’t even imagine them not needing or wanting me. They’re constantly telling me I’m their best friend and showering me with kisses and cuddles. The thought they’d not want me around and be embarrassed or similar feels like it would kill me! 

On starting college and trying to ‘rebel’ a bit I used to constantly argue with both my Mum and Dad. 

But then I moved out, got my own place after University and something switched...me and my Mum’s  relationship changed - we genuinely became friends! We enjoyed each other’s company, we talked and shared experiences. It was really nice.

Following that when I became a Mum myself - wow that’s the biggest game changer. Suddenly you understand her ways, her behaviour, her rules when you were young. The love she has for you. It all suddenly makes sense! 

I’m going by my experiences of course. I mean we’ve all seen the different types of Mum and daughter relationships - there are those who used to dress young and act young and almost be like a sister to their daughter.

The idea when I was a teenager of going on a night out with my Mum was just totally unfathomable. However I’ve heard of Mums clubbing with their daughter in tow.

For me? No thanks I don’t think that’d work.

When younger you need to set boundaries and make sure you’ve got the respect level with your children so they know you’re the adult and in charge. In that sense I guess you’re not their friend, but I think it’s equally as important for them to trust in you like a friend and feel they can come to you and talk to you about anything. Especially in these days and times with new pressures, cyber bullying and child mental health issues. 

My own daughters? Right now we’re still at the I’m in charge stage but for me with a mix of being their best friend (when it suits then) in their eyes and knowing I’m their go to person and place if they need help or are scared at all. I’d certainly like to think though as they get older they can count me as a friend. 

So can Mums and daughters be friends? Yes I think so - maybe not in the general more typical sense of the word, and with authority added on the side - but in a world so full of pressures and right now uncertainties everyone needs a friend and who better than the person who brought you into the world in the first place? 

Our love of technology – terrific or terrible?

Thanks to my own stupidity I am completely without my mobile phone today (read: I had too much alcohol this weekend, dropped my iPhone 5 on the floor outside the pub and smashed the entire screen).

My lovely fiancé is trying to take it to a shop and get it repaired for me before he starts his shift so I left my phone in his hands and will hopefully be reunited with it (and it having been fixed) this evening.

I am lost.

I’m not exaggerating, I am actually having withdrawal symptoms at not having it in my handbag, on my desk at work, by my side as normal. I do feel a little on edge.

This, I totally appreciate, is ridiculous.

I can remember years back going on holiday and not taking my mobile phone, I’ve had mixed experiences. When I was younger I missed my phone being there and actually at times reached into my beach bag on hearing a phone, totally forgetting I didn’t even have mine with me! At other times I’ve loved being totally away from it all and nobody contacting me or obsessing over social media updates.

Yet, having to come to work and in the middle of sorting out all sorts in my work and personal life I feel like something huge is missing. I am extremely conscious my phone is not sitting even on my desk for example.

I’m already realising I won’t be able to input my food/drink on my fitness app I use, I won’t be able to check when the bus is due on my journey home, I won’t be able to text my fiancé or friends and family during the day or call them on my break. And as for social media updates, don’t even get me started!

On reflection, I feel this is a sad state of affairs and really worrying that I am so dependent on a small piece of technology.

I’m already well aware how we all live our lives too absorbed in our Facebook accounts for example and was a big fan of the Look Up From Your Phone video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7dLU6fk9QY&feature=kp – even if ironically we all watched it and shared it on our phones!

We’ve all seen whether it’s with our own children or young relatives how familiar the younger generation are with technology nowadays and so early on and it leaves me constantly torn between whether our love of technology and frankly our obsession with it is a good or bad thing.

Working for a digital company of course I should be interested in and embrace all things digital. And to an extent I do and find it amazing how digital constantly evolves and we’ve got all these cool gadgets and ways to help us in our lives. The fact children are so clued up on this stuff is great and just leads to a future of ever increasing options and digital evolution.

However, another part of me feels so saddened by it all.

I can’t help but feel we’re becoming a society of robots. Our social skills are lacking based more on our virtual friendships on social media platforms and letting everyone know what we’re doing all the time. I myself am completely guilty of regular ‘check ins’ on Facebook, Tweeting when I’ve had a great class at the gym, taking photos on my phone and uploading them religiously and filling in App information as if it’s a regular job (GoodReads book progress, MyFitnessPal dietary and exercise behaviour, tracking my weight).

We see constantly how stats are coming back showing how many people are viewing online content via their phone now, users are constantly digesting data on the go. Websites now need to be responsive and even the type of content shown on a dedicated mobile site needs to be considered differently to previous ideas.

Think about at home when you sit down to watch the TV or read a book, how soon is it before your browsing on your phone and distracted?

I cannot remember the last time I sat down indoors and just sat and relaxed and focussed completely on one thing, without distraction.

So, is this a good thing? Is it great our kids are so technology minded and the area is no longer seen as just ‘for geeks’. Have all these apps meant we’re more in control of our lives and we’re super capable of doing so many things simultaneously? Are we expanding our brain’s capacity? Or in turn are we actually stunting our social skills and development? Are we only able to live through our social media persona now and unable to switch off?

Films used to show the future as a world of robots, super intelligent metal objects which people found far-fetched and rather uncomfortable. In fact are we instead simply creating a world of human ‘robots’ who have no off button and living life in a virtual world?

As you can tell, I really can’t decide which side of the debate I fall on. Does there even need to be sides? I’d be really interested what you think? Particularly those of you who don’t have a job within technology.

Bookworm: Wise & Otherwise A Salute to Life by Sudha Murty

Sometimes you read a book and it offers something different, perhaps you may not normally have chosen it, but in some way it changes you.

Recently I was sent three books from India, from a colleague/friend of mine who works in our company offices out there and who like me shares a love of writing and reading.

I'm not lying when I say it was one of the nicest surprises and most genuine of gifts I've been given.

I've still got two books to read, but the first one to capture my attention was this one Wise & Otherwise.

When I saw it offered a selection of short stories I had mixed feelings. Often books filled with numerous short tales annoy me, I feel I can't get into them and as I'm enjoying the tale it ends. On the other hand I hadn't read anything from Indian authors, or in fact been to India, so I wondered if it would be a good start to give me more insight into the country/the writer.

Sudha Murty runs a foundation supporting those less fortunate financially and has a background in Computer Science. She was born in 1950 and has written many pieces and won a number of awards.

This book was actually first published in 2002 (why did I not discover it before??) and is split into 51 chapters (1 was added in a more recent edition) - each one only a few pages long and describing an incident experienced by the author, non fictional.

This lady has a great way with words, each chapter provides an interesting snippet and reflects Murty's views.

Showcasing people from all walks of life, good and bad behaviour, nice and sad stories, I found the book addictive reading. I started reading it Monday morning on my commute into work and by lunchtime today I had finished it (reading on the way to and from work, on my lunch break and before I went to sleep briefly).

I also found as with other books (say for instance Eat Pray Love), this book had a message - well many in fact - and I found it started to change my views in just these few short days.

I feel I have a better understanding of India, of human behaviour in general and ways to view my own approach on life/outlook.

Good points
Addictive reading
Easy to read
Thought provoking

Not so great
Sometimes I found there were references to India terms I did not understand (most of the time I just Googled them though)
At times Murty can come close to potentially appearing a tad self-righteous in some tales

Overall I throughly enjoyed this book and I know it's one I'll keep and refer back to throughout life, even moreso knowing the kindhearted way in which I came to be aware of it.

Bookworm: Life... On A High by Nick Spalding

Wow. I started reading this book on my lunch break on Thursday and fast forward to Friday morning and I'd finished it.

Granted I'm not feeling well (again!) and so I've been resting up in bed, trying to get rid of these germs and so have been reading more than I would have.

This book was just what I needed (as well as medicine, lots of liquids and a warm cosy duvet!)

I started Mr Spalding's next offering after a recent disappointing read by another writer. I was really hoping to be entertained like last time.

This time the author is on flights to and from Australia and uses his time to tell the reader his opinions and more embarrassing and comical situations he's experienced.

I really enjoy the way Spalding writes, yes he might offend some with a few of his opinions, but I like the way he's open and honest.

The whole writing and 'talking to' the reader I must admit I find a tad cheesy at times. However the laid back style of writing makes a welcome change.

This is another book that makes you laugh and is an easy read. Pretty evident in how quickly I've read this ebook.

Good points
Funny
Honest style
Great to have a nose at other people's experiences and embarrassing moments!

Not so great
Lots of typos in this book which is a bug bear of mine
Sometimes the 'talking to' style is annoying

And...would you believe it after Tweeting about starting this book Mr Spalding finally retweeted me (how funny after yesterday's post!)

I've seen from the writer's previous Tweets that he's just finished writing the third in the Love...series which first introduced me to this author. Something tells me I'll be looking to download that on its release too...

Bookworm: Life...With No Breaks by Nick Spalding

Another week, another book review. I seem to be trotting these out lately, let's be fair though it may have a lot to do with the fact I've been a tad lazy with my blog lately.

Reading on my commute to and from work means I can read quite a bit and then a review on said book gives me an update on my rather neglected blog!

This time I decided to read another offering from author Nick Spalding as last time he actually made me giggle quite a lot and made train journeys a lot more fun.

Life...With No Breaks is a book he wrote over a period of 30 hours (he was aiming for 24 I believe) and is a random mix of opinions and memories from his life.

Yet again I was smiling and (embarrassingly) laughing out loud in public reading Spalding's words.

You seem to always find something to relate to, either an opinion you agree with or a story that sparks a memory from your past.

Granted there were a couple of times I felt links to topics were a bit tedious, but give the guy a break he was writing this without stopping and making it up as he went along pretty much.

I've now started following him on Twitter to see if he can make me laugh there too.

Through there I've learnt of a third follow up to the Love... series and in fact the second offering is next on my list to read.

Good bits
Makes you laugh
Easy read
Making me want to write more for some reason

Not so great
Some bits are a tad tedious
Some comments might annoy you depending on your background/views

Overall I'd recommend this ebook as another easy, lighthearted read to cheer you up, particularly in these dark, cold, moody Winter days and nights!

3D - dull, dear and dire

This weekend I saw two pretty hyped films – Prometheus and Snow White & the Huntsman. One was watched through two pairs of glasses, the other through one. No I wasn’t dressed in fancy dress or going mad, I saw Prometheus in 3D (so with 3D specs on top of my own) and Snow White was watched in simple original format.

Over the years I’ve seen a variety of various 3D films – the first being a Michael Jackson video/short film at Epcot in America when I was about 7 in fact. More recently I’ve watched a few 3D films at home – Shrek and Final Destination, which isn’t really all that impressive when watched on a tiny TV like mine. The others include Saw and Toy Story. Of them all I would say I liked Toy Story the best to be honest. Overall – I think 3D is a waste of time.

Whenever I go to see a 3D film I spend the first few minutes adjusting to the screen and trying not to get a headache, then I sit there looking out for the 3D parts and propping the glasses up on my nose. By the end of the film I’m left wondering why so little was in 3D and why I paid so much for the privilege.

Granted, I have not seen a 3D film at the IMAX and maybe this is where I’m missing out and I don’t realise the true potential of this technology.

To me though 3D is just a waste of time, it just distracts you from the film itself and takes away from the storyline. On viewing both films this weekend I didn’t regret seeing Snow White without 3D since it was a good film in its own right. Prometheus on the other hand, I was pleasantly surprised with as it’s not really my type of film but I thought it was quite good (not as good as critics have suggested though!) The 3D in it? Not a lot and it didn’t add to my enjoyment – in fact the most 3D used seemed to be in the opening credits…

So what is our fascination nowadays with 3D? Why are they bringing out more films with this feature on it? The cinema in my mind is expensive enough for a basic ticket, let alone if you add on the 3D side of things and those ‘uber-attractive’ free plastic glasses.

Whilst viewing the trailers this weekend I also noted Katy Perry has a film coming out – in 3D of course? When I saw a film, it looks more like a documentary of her life and backstage at her concerts. Why? Who wants to see that apart from possibly pervy teenage boys?

As for 3D TVs, yes I know nowadays people have massive screens in their homes, but it’s never going to be as big as a cinema screen so how can you make the most of it. Distracted by all your bits and bobs in your lounge do you really get enjoyment and a sense of ‘being there’ when watching 3D telly in from the comfort of your armchair?

My view is pretty clear to see – 3D is a waste of time and if they want to make cinema more exciting they need to go back to the drawing board. Let’s leave 3D to those paper glasses with a red and blue lens in them you get free in cereal packets and leave it to the kids to enjoy. Don’t spoil my cinema experience by tacking it on to every big production coming out.

Mr Know-it-all

Lying here on my sofa in my PJs after a good gym workout, hot shower and a healthy dinner I feel pretty relaxed.

However, earlier on I experienced something that always winds me up - know-it-alls.

If you're a regular in the gym you'll know what I mean - that man or woman who stands by observing. Then gradually they make their way over to a poor, unsuspecting, innocent gymgoer and strike. "Can I just offer you a tip?" "Er just a bit of advice for you" and so on.

Those know-it-all people who think they know best and have the best way to hold the weights, position on machines and settings on the treadmill. They generally don't.

Today I was in work early for client results and so I finished earlier than normal. I purposely packed my gym kit and took it with me to work to ensure I had a workout since I was finishing early. Being up since 5am is tough though and I was pretty tired by the time I finished.

I won't lie I'm just getting back into the gym after a slight break and so I'm finding it hard right now. However, after a few minutes of a walking warm up on the treadmill I cranked up my music and started to run. All that stress and stroppiness started to melt away and I felt good.

Part way through my next block of 20 minutes though - on the bike - I didn't feel so great and decided rather than more cardio my last 20 minute block would be on weights.

Up I went to what I call the 'girly' weights area - these are adjustable machines rather than the numerous dumbells and benches in the 'meatheads' section downstairs.

I started on the shoulder press and then heard the familiar "excuse me..." before a man approached another guy on the chest press and told him how to hold the grips and to put the weight up a bit.

Granted I didn't fall victim to this 'expert', but I had the pleasure of learning his tips and tricks the whole time I was up there.

Don't get me wrong years back a lady tried to offer me some guidance on using the leg press, which I gratefully took on my board and thought how nice she was. That is until I realised she was one of these know-it-alls, she did it to loads of people and had in fact told me incorrect information. Moreover she'd told me foot positioning which could have caused damage to knees (as explained by my boyfriend who used to be a personal trainer so had a bit more idea than said woman!)

Of course these irritants aren't just limited to the gym. They can be found anywhere and everywhere. My boyfriend has had the pleasure of discovering one at his new job. A fellow newbie, this guy has close to zero experience, yet advises everyone else (including my boyfriend who has over 18months of paramedic training behind him) how to do the job. He finishes tutors' sentences in training and directs local people where to drive on the roads.

The problem is that this also means people who do have answers to things often hold back at risk of being known as a know-it-all and annoying people. If you get this feeling, chances are you are not one of these people and are in fact simply trying to help. Whereas know-it-alls seem oblivious to others not wanting to hear their advice.

I'm not going to be one myself and tell you how to deal with these people, but 'just a tip for you' - avoid eye contact with these people at all costs, before you give advice think if you really do know best and if the person in front of you would actually be just fine without your 'help'.

A breakdown in communication

The classic line or tag of blame, we've all been there "It seems to be down to a breakdown in communication."

Ah yes a breakdown in communication. Why is it us humans find it so hard to communicate effectively with one another?

Working in a comms role you constantly come across different means of communication available to us all nowadays and how best to do it digitally in particular.

So why is it that as time has gone on and we've got more ways to communicate with one another, we seem to find it harder. Is anyone really expressing what they want to say?

I'm no exception. The majority of the time I probably don't say what I think, at risk of offending.

In a country where people are obsessed with being politically correct, it's no wonder people don't often say how they feel.

I love to talk, but when it comes to talking frankly about something upsetting me I clam up. Rather than telling my boyfriend I'm upset, for example, quite often I'll scribble a note instead. Or I'd rather get angry and into a tiff with my boyfriend before I'll eventually breakdown and say what's bothering me.

We seem to live our lives tiptoeing around others without communicating properly. In this digital age it is now so easy to hide behind a Facebook status, strongly worded email or text message. The idea of talking face to face seems intimidating to people now and so the opinion or instructions you are trying to relay get lost.

Those who work in an office will know how much communication goes on over email, instant messaging or internal chat systems - most often with those in the same room, or on the same desk as you. Mad but true.

I've worked with technical teams throughout my working career (my whole 8 years' worth) and have found issues however they are set up. In the same office, in another office, in another country - no matter what there is always confusion, arguments and complaints.

Working in office environments for years it is evident how bad various departments are at talking to one another.

The problem is we're all set in our own ways and how we like to handle things. So nobody wants to back down or take influence from anyone else's style or approach - hence nobody learns, they communicate in their own way and the messages get lost.

Brits I think are worse as there is the whole 'stiff upper lip' outlook. On our train we avoid eye contact and people don't smile at one another. Someone annoys us on the train, we say nothing until our anger and frustration at their behaviour builds up and up.

I've had work instances where people seem to fall into a pattern of not talking to other offices/departments about how they feel and how they want to work together. In turn they let their annoyances build up and go to their seniors first before talking to their peers, leading to a bigger issue than was there in the first place and causing a 'situation' for the company.

Someone bothers another in a group of friends, it's easier to bitch about them and post a negative message via social media to get your point across. What happened to good old fashioned talking?

I get so frustrated in work situations when things aren't communicated properly at work internally. When you're all from the same company and are all trying to achieve the same results overall why not work together? Why not keep people informed?

I am probably guilty of over-communicating in some situations at work as I like everyone to know all the facts. If I don't know what's happening with my clients or where I stand in my role or future prospects I can't stand it. Therefore I'll do notes and bullet points galore about anything I've been involved in. Again to me this works, but to others I probably annoy them bothering them with info they likely don't even need to know.

So the next time you want to know what your friend really thinks, you think a colleague has let you down, your loved one has upset you, step back and be a bit old fashioned for a change... Talk and say what you really think. Perhaps we could start a 'new' way of communicating trending?

Fat girl within

Memories of a baby cute as can be
Old photos show a little one, cuddly and chubby

A young child, tall for her age
Seen with a flat tummy, long spindly legs, always wanting to be centre stage

Images of a teen, slim but not comfortable in her own skin
Too shy to reveal what she's really like within

As she ages she starts to come out of her shell
But then in turn her body starts to gradually swell

Uni and a troublesome partner see plenty of booze and takeaways
Soon the weight starts to pile on over those weeks and days

Starting work, too ambitious to notice
Drunken nights out with colleagues, more calories get added to the list

Meeting a new partner, falling in love, this time for real
Getting comfortable with someone new, often out for drinks or a meal

Unhappiness at work, pressures lead her to comfort eat
Embarrassment on trains, being offered a seat

Nasty comments made with a vicious tongue
New friends seem so slim and pretty, each and every one

She starts to feel like the fat friend in the group
Her clothes aren't so small or nice, she feels out of the loop

She compares herself every time she's out
To those beautiful, slim figured girls and her friends, her appearance is without

Photos soon highlight how big those arms are
How rounded the face and those chunky legs stand out in a bar

Those who love her argue she's perfect as she is
But to her she can't believe it, she knows it's just politeness

She decides something really needs to be done
And cherishes the pounds falling off, each and every one

But then life pressures and events lead her to go back to her old ways
She doesn't want to feel like that again and those miserable days

She'll try again and give it all of her effort
To get back in shape and show she can be different

For now she'll take it one day at a time, it's healthy eating not some kind of famine
A mix of exercise too to get healthy, and hope to send back that fat girl within

My 100th post!!

Seven months later and here I am at my 100th blog post!

Since June 2011 I've posted short stories, poems, opinion pieces, random thoughts and entertainment-led items and I have to say I've loved every minute.

I first set up this blog as a way to be able to write. Since a young child I've always loved to write, whether it be pretend newspaper articles or a Mickey Mouse adventure story!

After realising that getting paid to write wasn't going to earn me that much, I soon accepted I'd need to follow a job that didn't involve writing.

I used to write reviews for a website where I used to work, so got to carry on my writing for a bit. This sadly ended and I was left without a chance to write. I then decided last year to try and do something where I could enjoy my interest in writing - hence The Melican was set up.

I've always said I'll just write about anything and everything and say how I feel, which I really have tried to stick to. I didn't want to specialise in a set topic as I know what I'm like and tend to go off on a tangent when I have a conversation normally!

Knowing I wanted to take a rather random approach to my blog and reflect my big mouth in real life in my words the name came naturally.

When I was at Uni, my flatmates would joke how much I talked and how big a mouth I had! One in particular was doodling one day and happened to draw a pelican, adding a few girly features after the huge mouth, they announced "Hey! It's Mel! Melican!!". Much laughter followed and the name stuck.

I'm gradually getting some more comments on posts - please keep them coming! I've had around 5000 page views since I started the blog and I have a set of regular followers, some subscribed, some not.

However in 2012 I want The Melican to be bigger and much better.

So far some of the most popular blogs have been:

'Giving men the red card'
http://themelican.blogspot.com/2011/11/giving-men-red-card.html

'Is the only way Essex?'
http://themelican.blogspot.com/2011/10/is-only-way-essex.html

'Random hungover Sunday musings'
http://themelican.blogspot.com/2011/10/random-hungover-sunday-musings.html

'Winter is coming'
http://themelican.blogspot.com/2011/10/winter-is-coming.html

'Should it always be fitness first?'
http://themelican.blogspot.com/2011/11/should-it-always-be-fitness-first.html

Clearly opinion pieces are more popular than short stories, although there is one poem there. So my audience like me to talk about football, Essex, hangovers and the seasons. From a girl who isn't into footie, the fact my most popular blog post is about that sport does make me giggle a bit.

So for now I'm going to carry on what I'm doing and keep opening my mouth loud and proud to keep those opinions and thoughts flowing!

Thanks to those who've been reading this blog already, please please do spread the word and if you've got a minute I really would appreciate some comments on the posts. I do always make sure I reply back and always read them. I like to know what you think too...

The Melican xx