Kind and proud

In this current world where there is so much hate and anger and nastiness, it feels like we’re very much in need of the reminder on today’s World Kindness Day.

Be kind.

It’s so tempting at times when most people you encounter seem selfish, rude or impolite. Why should you be the one to make the effort and be pleasant?

Bringing children up in the world right now at times makes me feel sad and guilty. They’re growing up in what seems like pretty negative times and it doesn’t feel you experience kindness all that often! 

Like most parents I often experience parenting guilt, am I bringing the children up right? Are we teaching them how to be decent people? What are the traits we want and need them to have?

At present we’re also in the middle of viewing primary schools in order to decide on our ideal choice for our eldest. 

I won’t lie it’s so far been a lot tougher than I imagined it would be. First off, what should you be looking for? What’s important? 

The chances of even getting your first choice where we live are pretty slim as it is.

Plus things have changed a lot since me and her Dad went to school, we’ve learnt that for sure when doing these visits! 

One point I think we’ve always agreed on is a huge thing we do want to make sure of is our children are kind. 

And today we had our preschooler’s 2nd ‘parent-keyworker’ meeting and learnt just that. 

As I sat with tears welling in my eyes I felt myself burst with pride and my heart swell to hear how our firstborn is kind and caring, what a sensitive soul she is, how she helps comfort the new and younger children coming to the preschool and more. 

Yes I asked and heard about more academic areas which are super important to me. However, it made me so happy to hear our little girl was so sweet and thoughtful. 

In a way hearing more how she behaves when she’s away from me and her Dad and siblings has also helped shed some light for me on what sort of school might suit her too. 

So thank you to my darling daughter on this World Kindness Day for making me so proud of how kind you are turning out to be. 

(And as an added bonus our twin boy has now learnt and likes to say I Love You!) 

So why should you be kind to others? Why make the effort when people seem so selfish nowadays? Think how it makes you feel when someone is kind to you and there you’ll find your answer 

Doctor dilemmas

The last couple of weeks I’ve had to use the healthcare system for my children and I’ve had very different experiences.

So much so, that I felt I wanted to share my thoughts and opinions on here with others.

All 3 of my children have needed to be seen for various reasons – I should add they’re all okay (or at least that seems the case for now) – I’ve used my local doctors surgery, a ‘hub’ service, called 111 for the first time and a walk-in specialist clinic at our local hospital.

I won’t go into details as to why my children have had to visit, but for those who don’t know, my eldest turned 3 in May and my twins will soon turn 18 months of age.

With my twin boy there was something that’s been concerning me and my fiancé for a while that we wanted checked out as it didn’t seem advisable to just leave it. I used to always take our firstborn to the doctors with my other half because he’d keep calm and I’d get in a flap, but with shift work, unpredictable appointments and having three little ones now I have to 'man up' and just do what needs to be done myself.

Admittedly I was at the doctors quite a lot in Olivia’s first year, she was my first born – my precious rainbow baby – so I probably went a few times more than needed (like most first time parents I imagine!) Those Mums out there will know the looks and the tones you sometimes get as a first time Mum (FTM) and although I get it as some of the worries probably are totally unfounded and laughable, it doesn’t help to treat the mother that way. However, now a Mum of three aged 3 and under I don’t really feel I fall into that category and seriously don’t have time to be going to the doctor – especially multiple times – if I can help it! If I’m there it’s because something is not right and is definitely different or wrong with my child or me.

I took Callum to the doctor (I should add an experienced doctor and one who has seemed relatively helpful previously) and had him seen initially about his eczema. Of course the rule of 1 issue 1 appointment and an allocated 5 minutes per appointment was in the back of my mind when I brought up my 2^nd concern, but as I was sat there with a 17 month old infant I felt I’d be listened to.

I was, sort of, interrupted a few times and a quick light shine into my son’s eyes and I was told he was fine and the reason why he was showing certain behaviours (when I pushed for a reason) was simply ‘everyone’s different’.

A few days later I realised I wasn’t happy about the response and vague and hurried check and I rang to book another appointment. Our doctors like to have a phone appointment first and then leave a prescription or book to see you after if they feel necessary. This day I had the call and the doctor (the same one I should add) asked us to come in that same afternoon within the next 30 minutes. Great! I was being taken seriously…or so I thought.

After being kept waiting over 15-20 minutes after rushing there from the local park as the appointment timing was unexpected to say the least, we were called in and the same vague check was done. My partner was with me and pushed a bit more so another hurried check was done and my son was presumed fine and after pushing some more we were told perhaps we should visit an opticians and then we were pretty much encouraged out the door…Not before some of my comments and concerns were near enough laughed at.

A day or two later on trying to book a children’s appointment I was in fact informed that under 5 years of age a child should be referred to a specialist clinic/hospital by a doctor as they have the specialised equipment a child so young needs.  So another (pretty tense  by now) call to the surgery and later on another call with the same doctor left me being told a referral was not going to happen as it’d take forever for us to be seen (20 weeks+) and we’re best to go to an A&E in an East London specialist hospital or (again after pushing) a walk in clinic at our local hospital during certain times.

We did attend this local hospital walk in clinic and they were pretty good – a doctor didn’t see us that day, but a quick sit down with the Sister and some questions asked we were told we’d be referred to a paediatric clinic and we’d receive a letter ‘soon’. Our concerns weren’t mocked in any way and rather we were reassured. And do you know what a few days later a referral letter came and we’ve got an appointment in about 3 weeks’ time! Again, the staff member said our doctor could have saved us a visit by simply referring us as he’s meant to.

It’s actually making me laugh writing this as I’ve realised how much we’ve used the health service the last few weeks as I’ve also used an out of hours hub service and 111 for my twin girl regarding a rash she had – they were pretty good to be fair bar the agonising waiting in a queue and being constantly cut off by one and then the robotic question asking by the other when the answers were already clear by what I’d said in my initial intro on the call. Still, I am immensely grateful to even have such services – and free of charge – so believe me this is not going to turn into an NHS bashing post – far from it!

In fact the most recent visit – with a different doctor – one I’ve never seen before in fact at our surgery, totally blew me away and has left me singing her praises still days after our experience.

I’d got two appointments half an hour apart (one for each daughter) and immediately she made me and my children feel at ease. My twin girl was walking up and down the treatment room and dancing, playing with the doctors shoes and waving, she was one happy bunny! Then I hesitantly explained to the doctor about my other daughter’s appointment and as she’s very aware I was unsure how to discuss the issue with her about and in turn was doubtful of her cooperation since she’s well and truly going through the ‘threenager’ stage right now!

That doctor used her initiative and her skills and didn’t cut me off, rush me out or tell me I’d have to wait for said appointment. She came out to reception with me to meet my daughter and did various ‘tricks’ and games in order to observe her and make her checks. She reassured me, made my daughter happy and in fact now keen to go back to the doctors! To give you an idea what this doctor was like, after being bossed around to do certain actions by Olivia, she came skipping and twirling into reception with her to meet Callum because he was the only one she hadn’t met yet and she didn’t want him left out! She gave me an idea of timings, is calling me in the next couple of days if there is anything unsure and to put any anxiety at ease and explained to me various outcomes and what to expect. She's even said if nothing comes about in the next 2 weeks (it involves another referral) then we should call her.

Totally polar opposite experiences, without a doubt.

So, to the latest doctor – thank you. Thank you for not making me feel like an inconvenience to you or rushing me along. Thank you for showing a real interest in my children and trying to make their experience as fun and stress-free as possible, taking me seriously, helping to ease my worries and adapting to the situation as needed.

To others in healthcare who deal with mothers and their children. I know you’re stretched, tired and put on by those above and a severely over-worked, under-appreciated system and at times probably face an often rude and on occasion unfriendly and even abusive public. You must have no end of deadlines, targets and goodness knows what other unrealistic goals to work to. However, please don’t forget the reason you got into the profession and what you mean to those people who come to visit you with genuine concerns and young little lives they are responsible for and would do anything for.

Just taking that extra minute or two, being a bit more flexible with the rulebook or  being creative with your approach and tailoring it can make a world of difference to a child and in turn their parent/carer. It really does matter.

The constant battle

You can’t wait to be a Mum and hold that baby in your arms

You miss that big round bump and feeling that life move inside your tummy

You can’t wait to see them crawling around and able to explore some more 

You miss how cute and dependent they were when they ‘just laid there’

You can’t wait to get some sleep and not be waking throughout the night to feed

You miss those little lips on you, that hand stroking your chest, those eyes gazing up

You can’t wait to see those little chubby legs walking around like others, what’s taking so long 

You miss the little baby who wanted to hold on and bounced around on your lap

You can’t wait for them to use that baby cutlery and make less mess

You miss putting that tiny spoon in their little mouth and no shouts or gestures of ‘I do it’

You can’t wait for those first words and to know what it is they need

You miss the little gurgles and raspberry blowing 

You can’t wait to be able to put them down and not have a constant clinging shadow 

You miss the cuddles and snuggles reading or simply dozing on you 

You can’t wait for them to start preschool or nursery, to get some time to ‘get things done’

You miss the noise, laughter and time together, it feels too quiet 

You can’t wait to have more time as they grow and learn

You miss that little baby and see how quick they’ve become this child

You can’t wait to not have to change so many nappies, tidy so many toys, be constantly interrupted 

You miss them needing you, the bright colours and those funny tales 

You can’t wait, you want it now, constantly comparing and looking ahead, until you get it, then

You miss the little one so tiny and needy who saw you as their all and needed you for everything. You realise how fast those days, weeks, months and years fly by 

And you wish you’d just lived it all and enjoyed each stage there and then, instead of looking ahead and wondering when

Mum guilt

I remember when I found out I was pregnant with the twins (well I didn’t realise there were 2 just then!) My first thought was to my daughter, my first born,    what if she felt pushed out? 

Being an only child myself I’ve always felt it all had to be about Olivia. I couldn’t get my head round the idea of having more than one child and in particular how can you love another child as much as the one you have.

I’d love to say this was the first time I experienced some sense of guilt at my actions/decisions potentially impacting my child. Ha! Who am I kidding?! I don’t think I could even count the number of times I’ve felt guilty over something linked to my daughter. 

And now there are 3? Well, there’s not any hope left for me now...

Guilty as charged. 

I’ve always been a people pleaser type of person so it’s likely through most things in my life I will have felt bad about what I may have said/done in case it upset the apple cart and caused any offence.

Being a Mum? That’s a whole different story, this is a different level.

I feel guilty for maybe hugging two and leaving one out, for not going back to work (am I setting a bad example), for thinking of going back to work (abandoning them?), not doing enough classes with them, not reading enough, allowing too much screen time, not disciplining enough, being too shouty, for not making healthy enough meals, for being too strict with treat snacks, and on and on and on and...

The biggest guilt? At the moment, the ongoing constant battle of whether I am treating them all fairly.

It’s the twins first birthday fast approaching and I’ve lost count the amount of times I’ve felt guilty over what we’re doing - or not doing - for it.

After your first child even I know it’s standard to not do perhaps quite so much with any additional siblings. 

But I’m constantly comparing Olivia’s first birthday to what we’re looking at for the twins, and there’s two of them.

Case in point everything had to be new with Olivia. The twins? We were welcoming on any donated clothes, toys, equipment from well wishing friends and relatives.

Often I get told ‘they won’t know’ when I feel things aren’t the same this time round - lack of classes, not reading as much, party plans - all of it. But I’ll know and that’s the problem.

I remember when I was pregnant with my first and talking about feeling bad about something I’d done/not done and I was told to get used to it - welcome to the world of Mum guilt.

Do men not get this? What do you guilt trip over?

I literally do not stop feeling guilty when it comes to my children and friends are always telling me of their guilt over all sorts of things.

Why do we do it? 

I read somewhere recently if you’re feeling guilty about something as a parent it’s probably a sign you are a good parent as if you were a failure/bad parent you wouldn’t worry and wouldn’t be questioning yourself!

I remember thinking what a good point this was. Until worrying about the next thing! 

Tonight? I’m going to bed feeling like a failure because of bathtime and bedtime. 

It’s safe to say tonight was an utter shit storm. It did not go well.

I’m trying to set up a new bath and bed routine which can involve all 3 kids (and stops my guilt at leaving crying twins downstairs whilst I bath my eldest). 

Tonight, they were all over tired and needless to say my chosen method and order of bathing was not a success. I ended up a hysterical screaming monster and have spent the evening since feeling guilty at how I snapped at the babies and made Olivia upset too (in response to their hysterical behaviour first I should add).

My daughter needed her hair washed tonight which inevitability took longer and she was shattered as it’s a preschool day today too. 

Well, the twins were tired and unhappy and wouldn’t stop crying and Olivia just wanted her bath and bed (I bathed the twins first). At a few times all three were screaming and crying (which surprisingly is a rarity to be fair) and I was there screaming along with them (well at them!) 

If I hadn’t done that? Mum guilt for not washing her hair, Mum guilt for leaving the twins to cry downstairs, Mum guilt for not bathing the twins enough. I could go on...

So why are we always feeling so guilty? 

I know lots of Mums who I wouldn’t say are ‘people pleasers’ like me who suffer this too, so it cant just be my obsessive worrying personality! 

And how comes men seem so laid back? Well they seem to be, let me know if I’m wrong and as a make you get parenting guilt.

Any tips for beating the guilt?

Or is that it now? A lifetime of guilt for them, about them??

I’m dropping my phone as I type this as I’m falling asleep where I’m tired, it’s been one of those days! So for now I’m going to try get some sleep before I start to feel guilty about something else!!

Please slow down my baby

Seeing those words, that line, announcing you are there
Feeling those flutters within, making me aware

Watching as my bump grows and grows
An overpowering love, nothing else like it does anyone know

Then the day you officially appear on this earth
As they hand you to me, nothing else will ever match up to what you’re worth

Then just like that, it’s like someone takes over the clock
Time’s forever flying by, it just doesn’t stop - ticktock ticktock

Non stop firsts - smile, laugh, wave, tooth, crawl
Trying to record them, amazed and so proud of them all

Those adorable newborn features, a blink and you’re an infant now
Then turn around and a little toddler wow

Your skin still so soft, like the most expensive velvet or silk
Eating more and more, turning away more and more from just milk

Your huge pussycat eyes stare up into mine as you drink your bottle or nurse on my chest
Stroking, holding hands, cuddling, kissing, whatever you do, your little touch always feels the best

You once liked nothing more than to breastfeed from me
Then suddenly you stop, it’s like you no longer need Mummy

Starting to do more and more for yourself
Having to try teach you to listen to no, what’s right/wrong/good for your health

Becoming a Mum has been the most amazing thing to happen to me
But it’s also the toughest, it’s racing by way too quickly

When I picture you I will have the biggest smile even if before there was a frown
Life is zooming by, how fast you change, I wish I could slow it down

Nobody ever tells you how fast it goes
Nor how to stop it, how to slow down these precious moments nobody knows

You try to treasure it all despite the fast pace of life, always non stop
But sometimes it’s not possible, it feels like there’s so many balls to juggle, ready to drop

You’ll always be my baby to me, no matter how big you grow
But please slow down my baby, I love you more than you’ll ever know

Making time for Mum

Ha even the title of this post is proving the point of how things change when you have children.

Not making time for me/for Mel but for ‘Mum’. I’m sure I’m not the only one who wonders where they’ve gone since having kids - what happened to the person you were pre-children?

The gap since my last post should give some sort of indication of how time for myself is pretty much forgotten most the time these days - definitely bottom of the pile in life as I know it now, with it’s never ending and constantly growing to do list.

I dread to even think how this will even read - can I even write well anymore? Or has my Mum mode/baby brain/rhyme singing mind taken over?

Don’t get me wrong I adore my children and truly know how blessed I am to even have them. (There you go obligatory Mum guilt statement number 1!)

However, one of the key things that shocked me when having children is the discovery of how different it is to how I ever imagined and the sense of loss in your self that can be experienced at times.

I don’t really like to make new year resolutions, let’s face it most of them aren’t kept to and aren’t that sincere. Or we just ride along with the generic cliched standard list that get rolled out most years - be healthier, lose weight, be better with money, be more organised, blah blah blah.

I’m really hoping this year to try and make more time for me. I see it myself, after a little time on my own or getting to be ‘the old me’ as I often view it, it’s like hitting the reset button. I’m more chilled and I miss and value those little munchkins of mine even more. I appreciate my life a whole lot more and the resentment, anxiety, tiredness, impatience, short temper and stress is chipped away and seems not all that bad.

Yes it’s tough being a Mum and a stay at home Mum at that - pre child me is sitting there now rolling her eyes at that one (you ‘don’t work’, you’re at home, what’s so hard about that, how can you be stressed?) But if you can find some balance and have a few bits of ‘time off’ now and again it’s such a fulfilling and worthwhile life and a privilege to be able to experience.

So why is it every time I even start to consider looking into booking some time for me - shopping, a film, a spa day, just an hour or two to read a book, have a bath, listen to music, see friends - the guilt kicks in?

Why do we feel so bad at needing a break? Why do we feel it’s so wrong to want to be someone over than Mum?

Tell me, how do you balance it? What do you do? And what is this guilt? I’m sure I’m not the only one who gets it, right?

So yeah, 2019, I’d like a bit more time for me please and to also be a fiancée again and enjoy some time as a couple - the pair we used to be, not Mummy and Daddy for all the time.

Now if I can just get over this guilt first...and the care of 11month old twins and a 2 and a half year old...the washing...the nappies...the shopping...the cleaning...the diary planning..the budgeting...the cooking...

Oh, you know what, maybe tomorrow...