The truth

Raindrops hitting the windows, the sound so loud our home is so silent now

I imagine the rain are tears from heaven wondering how

How could you be taken, why did you deserve this

What did we do for life to feel this was fair justice

People focussed on the physical

Like emotions should be over with now after all

It was only small, it's so common, you know you can get pregnant now though

Things happen for a reason, you'll have another, you'll move on, it's better for your health that your body lets it go

Practicalities arranged, appointments cancelled, health items in post 

Work absence to be discussed, trying to think how long you'll need off at most

Nobody gets it, how can life ever be the same, that interest in anything

My love of reading gone, TV just a sound, social plans impossible, silence most comforting 

Cocooned in our home, not wanting to leave

Can't speak to people, I just want to grieve 

Even my phone switched on to silent, curtains closed blocking out the world out there

Getting dressed, washed, the news, people's lives, I just don't care

Not wanting my fiancé to ever leave my side

Knowing he'll have to and I can't always hide

The wind blowing high the rain pelting down

It feels fitting, matching my mood, my emotions, my constant frown 

Anger, agony, exhaustion and pain 

Nothing could ever be the same again

Feeling so empty, bruised and achey within

Nothing on the broken heart and constant thoughts, to smile feels a sin

So thankful for those who have been through it too

A constant source to message and feel there are some who get it like you

That feeling as you wake, thankful for finally some sleep

Then BANG it hits you your baby's no longer yours to keep

The logical side I had at the start, still in shock and not realising it's true

Now gone, a void, no idea what to do

One minute a baby brings you comfort and hope

The next anger someone else has one and isn't like you and won't have this grief with to cope 

Wondering what others think, nobody knew the secret we had

Now it's out there, the pity and the whispered chats, how we must feel so bad

It feels I can't end this poem I could write forever how I'm feeling

Right now it's just a simple tiny way I can slightly imagine it's helping with my healing 

Little Seed will always be baby number one

Whether we go on to have another, whether daughter or son

He or she may have been small and so early on that is true 

But remember this please, still living, existing, still ours, will you? 

Have you ever noticed?

Have you ever noticed how just as you learn to trust you get let down?

Have you ever noticed how you wake up feeling you've been punched in the stomach when things are wrong?

Have you ever noticed those you love the most are the ones to shock the most?

Have you ever noticed when you've got an important decision to make you just want to ignore it?

Have you ever noticed how you get that feeling of nausea when you do start to think about that decision?

Have you ever noticed how trust is so overlooked?

Have you ever noticed how everyone close rallies round in need but they don't really know what it's going to be like now?

Have you ever noticed how the basics some take for granted are what you crave the most?

Have you ever noticed how your life is so entwined with someone else, but too late?

Have you ever noticed how hard it is to mend broken trust?

Have you ever noticed how people aren't always as they seem?

Have you ever noticed that life goes on, but you can't see how?

Have you ever noticed how good you are at putting on a brave face, but inside you're broken?

Have you ever noticed the most important decisions for you, you always want others to decide for you?

Have you ever noticed how life can completely change with just a few words or actions?

Have you ever noticed bad things have bad timing?

Have you ever noticed how everyday things when gone leave a huge black hole?

Have you ever noticed how nothing in life is ever all good at the same time? Work, love, family, friends?

Have you ever noticed what a fool you feel when you seem the last to know?

Have you ever noticed that even if you may feel fat you just feel empty?

Have you ever noticed how you actually can't bear to be alone?

Have you ever noticed all those plans you make are worth nothing and get smashed in seconds?

Have you ever noticed those warning signs started long ago?

Have you ever noticed how one person impacts so many?

Have you ever noticed you always seem to be the one who's left waiting?

Have you ever noticed what seems ideal to others is not what what it seems?


Have you ever noticed those warning signs and stopped things rather than ignore them?
No, me neither.