The final step

Last time I wrote on here, it was a week since my op. Now, a week later, it's two weeks since my op and my journey upwards seems to be continuing. 

Don't get me wrong there have still been bad days along the way. Aside from excess weight and some small things, I'm feeling more like me every day.

I've remembered to carry on with small steps each day and to take things slow. Which is hard for someone who's super impatient and can be quite self critical!

I've been trying to do some form of exercise most days - whether that's a walk by the sea, in the countryside or on a treadmill, or even helping my fiancé in the garden! 

In the last week I got back in the gym, I've been told I'm not allowed to gym it yet. However, in my mind being allowed to walk outside is no different to walking on a machine so I've given it a go (treadmill walking for 90 minutes is SO exciting as I'm sure you can imagine!) 

Socially I've been gradually seeing friends too, some even on my own - a huge step compared to where I was! 

Recently I've also met up with a friend who's expecting - something that many people have had bad experiences of and I was super nervous of I'll admit. Thankfully it all went really well, I don't know if that's because my friend is so nice and is laid back herself or if I was on a 'good day'. Either way it went well. 

Now the next and possibly last step I guess, is to return to work. Again, luckily my company have been supportive so far and I'm easing back in. It feels a huge deal to me though so I'm hoping that like all the other things I've built up it'll actually be okay. 

I'm now reading again, have been enjoying some nice food and drink, having to relax and rest when it's been sunny has meant my skin is looking pretty healthy and quite brown and I'm looking forward to plans again - theatre visits, enjoying films, planned gigs, my friend's wedding and being bridesmaid and more. 

I've also completed something before this journey ends (well I don't think it'll ever end but it'll become more positive than a struggle I hope). My memory box for Little Seed is complete - I got a nice box, all the memories and key items are all included and I also got some nice trinkets and pieces in memory too. I'm really pleased with how the box has turned out and now we've got something we can always look back on. 

As our garden is an ongoing (and also seems like it's going to be long) project, we've not opted for a plant in memory as yet.

So wish me luck, my last scary step begins tomorrow! 

Ups and downs

So it's now 25 days. I can't believe I've spent nearly the whole month of May off work and dealing with what's happened. 

I'm still dealing with it and our lives are still deeply impacted by our loss.

I know we're never going to 'get over' this and it'll be an experience we'll never forget. This will always be with us. But rightly so, I don't want to forget our first child.

However, slowly but surely I think I'm having more and more better days.

My only wish now is desperately praying the physical side is going to stop some point soon.

My emotions can still change at any time, but I'm definitely crying less. And today even I cried happy tears.

One big change this week has been I've started to read again. Those who know me know I'm a real bookworm and I couldn't believe it when I lost all interest in books and reading. Yes, I am finding it harder to concentrate and am reading slower than I did. However, I did get some sort of enjoyment from reading.

Other little steps have been to do small things on my own - yes they were just to walk to our doctors round the corner, or the shops or my parents. I've done it on my own though and have had a couple of days where I've spent a good few hours at home on my own. This is a pretty big step really when I think about it since I couldn't bear to be apart from my fiancé before.

Due to the physical side still ongoing I'm still very tired and needing to rest a lot which at times I've found frustrating. 

I can't gym, but I can go for walks and I've been trying to make a start on our garden. Although I do need to remember my limits right now else I end up not feeling great.

Another step this week has been to finally see a friend. So far it's been close family only - my parents and my fiance's family. I actually found the experience did me good. 

Seeing anyone non-family on my own without my fiancé though still feels a step a bit too far. 

I also had my hairdresser over to dye my roots. It may sound vain, but it has helped my confidence slightly to have those grey and white hairs that had appeared hidden away. 

I've also collected a photobook today which I had made of memories of Little Seed which I plan to keep in a keepsake box of our little one. 

On Saturday I have another follow up scan to see if this second set of medical management has worked. I really feel I need that appointment to go 'well'. 

I continue to get comfort from other people in similar situations, people who've been through this in the past, my fiancé and family members, seeing the lovely flowers people continue to send and the photobook today brought happy tears. 

So although it feels a long way to go still, I'm finally feeling like I'm starting on that journey forward. Keep everything crossed for me this physical part starts to stop soon! 

One Week On

A week since we found out we'd lost you

It feels like mere moments we've been through

The rollercoaster ride continues, small improvements then massive drops

Emotions constantly changing, the heartache tears, anger and hurt never stops

Starting to see small positives in those around us

Friends, family, work all supporting and there to make a fuss

Such kind words, thoughtful touches, gifts and offers of helping hands 

Truly appreciating all we have, even those we thought maybe were not part of our life plans 

Truly thinking of ways to remember our Little Seed

So grateful of those who've been there in our worst moment of need

Sharing experiences with those who've been through this same hell

At times surprised by some who I thought I knew well

Not trusting my thoughts, feelings or body, time to time 

Trying not to jump to conclusions, knowing not all impressions are truly mine

My love for my partner continues to grow and grow

His kindness, support and never-ending giving means more than you could know 

Truly learning for the first time to put me at the number one spot

So many lessons from this harrowing experience I feel I've got

That empty feeling I doubt can ever be filled, I can't believe anymore tears could exist within me

I'll always miss and love our Little Seed, though I hope in time we will be able to have another baby 

It would be truly, loved, wanted like no other

But wouldn't be our first baby, but Little Seed's sister or brother 

Every little counts

At the risk of jumping on a cheesy Tesco tagline, I'm really mindful at times of approaching life one little step at a time.

Today I weighed myself and finally I've lost two pounds!

No, not a huge weight loss or anything monumental, but it's progress and wow was I craving that.

The odd thing is - as I've likely said before, I never learn! - I'd started to get a bit more relaxed and had been eating 'badly'. Then miraculously the weight starts to move.

I read an interesting article this week about why your weightloss might be slow, it suggested that in fact you can end up eating more by obsessing over eating less.

And a recent TV documentary suggested exercising can indeed also lead to eating more than you need as you gear yourself up to needing the extra calories or indeed being deserving of eating more/consuming more calories as a reward.

Guilty as charged!

Being strict with my diet and exercising most days was tiring and I wasn't sleeping too well. When I jumped on the scales and saw no movement - well no positive movement - I was really starting to feel disheartened.

On Sunday we had our parents over for a meal. We had tea and biscuits and alcohol and nuts before the meal. Then we sat down to wine with dinner and three courses:

Mozarella, prosciutto Parmesan, oil and vinegar and bread to start.   

Duck breast with a plum sauce, mash, sugarsnap peas, baby corn and asparagus for main.

Ending with either apple crumble or chocolate brownie cake with cream.

I thoroughly enjoyed it all. I'd been to an rpm class in the morning but I didn't calorie count and I had a good chat and catch up with family. 

Surely I should put on? I'd been for lunch out Friday and cocktails on Friday night too. 

But no today I lost weight. 

I have no idea why but I am thankful. And I'm remembering every little counts.

It was the little boost I needed to stick at it, but also enjoy socialising and eating and drinking too. And not agonising if I don't exercise constantly.

Tomorrow I'm going to a talk by Jillian Michaels (my 30 Day Shred hero) and I hope she'll be more than a boost to my current mindset and diet and exercise  approach.

For now I'm making the most of the little steps in the right direction and I'll let you know how the talk goes.

It's her Maximise Your Life tour. Here's to minimising my body fat and maximising my progress! 

The mysteries of weight loss

I know I've blogged about this topic before, but as I'm lying here in bed debating whether to go to spin this morning (third day in a row), I'm completely baffled.

The last three weeks I've lost 5lbs in weight (3lb loss, stayed the same, 2lb loss). This is great and really keeps me going trying to get in shape.

However, it doesn't seem to make sense. Over said three weeks I've been eating lots of fattening foods, drinking alcohol and not exercising as much.

Yet weeks where I've been super strict with diet and exercised almost every day I've on occasion not lost or put on?

I appreciate I am guilty of overanalysing my progress somewhat and should just be happy I'm doing well, at my lowest weight now. Being someone like me who likes to be in control and know what's happening though I find I want to understand how to keep making positive progress, perhaps by noticing patterns and following them moving forwards.

How on earth you do that when trying to lose weight and get fitter is beyond me right now. Nothing seems to make sense.

I'm having a BBQ today and alcohol and am currently debating whether or not to go spin. Do I have a break - as I have done well - as a treat and also give my body a chance to rest (particularly before a pressured week ahead at work)?

Or am I viewing it all wrong and should keep up with my spinning and start the week off as I mean to go on?

Sitting here feeling tired, a bit stiff from yesterday's session and also somewhat dehydrated from the sun yesterday I know what answer I'm veering towards.

If only I knew what impact it was going to have...but that's never going to happen with this mystery surrounding weight loss!

Week 9 started and 12lbs down...

I realised I've not updated you on my weight loss and fitness plan for nearly two weeks now. As today is a weigh in day I thought what better time?

This is the start of my 9th week and at this morning's weigh in I'd lost a pound. Although not amazing progress I can't really complain since I have eaten like a pig the last couple of weeks (and consumed quite a bit of alcohol...)

Last week I stayed the same and this week I lost a pound so overall progress is moving along nicely. I keep having 'fat day's though and so far am not experiencing the weight loss confidence I was expecting.

I'm not sure perhaps it's some sort of guilt over having such a bad diet of late. Another thing not helping is agreeing to a recent invite which is going to involve the hottest group of girls I've seen in a long while, ever since I've been a bit self conscious and wondering how things will turn out. Let's hope I lose quite a lot more before then!

Also I worked out if I've done 8 weeks of this and lost 12lbs now it's good, BUT it averages out closer to one pound per week moreso than two pounds per week. I know, details details, but it does make me feel I could have been more successful.

There are a couple of events planned this week which will again see more alcohol being drunk (I'm not an alcoholic honestly!) However, the plan is to at least try and keep the food side on track, we'll see...

I'm off to the gym today after work, in what will be my fourth visit in a row. Thankfully I'm not quite so achey as I have been. I did a little bit of everything in Friday's workout as quite frankly I was tired an couldn't be bothered. This resulted in a quick blast on a host of cardio machines and then some weight work. I only did 60 minutes but boy did I ache that evening, and the next day. I'm beginning to think this could be a good move and maybe I've discovered a new way to challenge my body again?

For now I'm going to head back to my office and eat some fruit snacks (excitement in my life sometimes is just too much!) I have been up since 5am and in work early so a nice early finish for me. Let's hope I make it to the gym and once there don't end up falling asleep on the treadmill!