Why can’t we just be happy as me?

I’m sitting in front of a daytime TV program and there’s a woman on here who’s had various injections to ‘make herself a black woman’.  It made me think about people and their appearance and how commonplace it is now to want to be somebody else. 

Obviously this is an extreme example, but in today’s social media society you only have to flick through a few images to see how everybody wants to be an idealised version of ‘me’.

There are beauty shops everywhere nowadays and I’ve noticed even an increase in men’s barbers and grooming shops just on our local high street. It’s not a female-heavy phenomenon anymore. 

People are constantly trying to be different to their original selves. 

Young women having various cosmetic procedures - lip fillers, body shaping - numerous filters on pictures, teeth whitening. The list is endless. 

Is this the result of a selfie generation? Many can’t do anything without taking a photo or posting on social media. So do people then think it must look perfect and therefore their appearance must be what’s perceived as perfect?

Even young girls now are posing with their hand on hip, perfecting their pout and taking a selfie from the right angle. 

When did it become the norm to not accept who you are?

Why can’t we just be honest and be ourselves? 

Are the pressures now that high that we need to be pretend to be something else?

Or is it harmless and just a form of escapism? 

When did things change? 

How do you feel?

Personally I’m aware I’ve changed so much obviously just from ageing and moreso from having children! However, myself I don’t think I’d have any form of surgery or cosmetic procedure to change me.

Although I do dye my roots in my hair as I don’t like the greys showing, I do wear makeup, so I suppose I too do change myself to an extent. I’d argue it’s just covering up a bit and highlighting my features rather than trying to change them...Or am I just in denial? 

Why is it we do not feel confident in how we are naturally to be seen in photos or out in public without this heavily filtered image in front of us?

Time to get back on the fitness wagon

A new year and I thought it was about time I get back on this blog. I know I know, I always say that and don’t worry I’m not going to start claiming my new year resolution is to blog more.

I am, however, going to be extremely stereotypical and announce how the Christmas break is over (well it is for me as I was back at work today) and that I am now aiming to get in shape. Bore. Yawn. I know I know could I be more cliché ‘new year, new me’ and all that…

However, after the vast amounts of food and drink consumed this past fortnight, something needed to be done. Well, I say past 2 weeks, what I really mean is since we moved into our house – takeaways galore and very little exercise for 3 months…

I reached that well known point we all get to after the festive indulgence, I was actually craving healthy food.

As a brand new year started yesterday I jumped on the scales when I eventually got up (after a rather late and drunken New Year’s Eve party) to survey the damage. I have to admit it wasn’t good, but it was definitely a lot better than anticipated.

Just over 7lbs put on in 3 months, bearing in mind I’ve eaten healthily for a few days out of that and only went to the gym once I’m relieved it wasn’t a lot more. I certainly feel like I’ve gained about 2 stone!!

I’m bridesmaid to one of my oldest and best friends this year too and we’re going to a wedding show at the end of the month so I really need to try and shift some of this excess fat before then – right now I don’t think any form of dress would suit me!

I have to admit (it is in all likelihood simply post-Christmas effect only and will be short-lived) I felt great yesterday. Although I was a tad hungover (mostly tired), I had healthy food and was only just over my suggested calorie allowance.

Fish, vegetables and sweet potato for dinner with a glass of water really did feel great! No fat, no booze, no junk. Lovely!

I’ve also stocked up on some more fruit and veg and low fat goodies so I plan to try and stick to this for as long as I can now.

I’d suggested a Dry January again like I did previously, however the social calendar is already against me – a team drinks thing next Wednesday and ballet (and no doubt a meal and drinks) on the Thursday! Therefore, my plan is instead to not drink alcohol unless it’s for a social occasion, I think that’s fair enough and a tad more realistic.

I’m also hoping to go to my first spinning class of 2015 tomorrow morning too to get myself back into it. I’ve already looked up the studio timetable for my gym so I can start planning visits too. I will shed this weight and more if it kills me.

A friend of mine has been dieting and exercising for a good few months now and she’s done so well she’s really inspired me. I can’t wait to be rid of this tired and bloated feeling – and also start enjoying looking good in clothes again and not wearing what’s comfortable or what I don’t look too fat in!

One, nearly two days down, and many more to go…

I'm an insecure girl too: help me out of here!

Sitting here on a Friday night on my own, without any foodie treats, vino or company and wearing my onesie, I'm clearly not worried how sad I sound.

Therefore I'll crank it up a notch and admit I'm watching I'm A Celebrity! Oh and I am ill and on antibiotics, hence the naff social life of late and depressed mood!

Anyways, I'm watching said reality show on ITV and am pleased to say it's made me smile tonight.

Yesterday however was another story. 

Don't get me wrong I'm pleased body image and what women face regarding their feelings and appearance was highlighted. I felt so saddened though that a top athlete could be made so low and has had such a bad time of it all down to her appearance.

No matter how time progresses nothing changes for us girls and our bodies does it?

It saddens me and makes me so angry that a woman who has an OBE and has a bloody Olympic medal for goodness sake can feel so low and worthless over ignorant peoples' comments on social media and being around a beauty pageant stunner. 

I'm not anti Amy Willerton at all, she seems a nice enough person and her challenge today showed her to be brave and with a sense of humour - she did very well and was very calm throughout. 

Admittedly this did anger me, just through pure jealousy - she is so pretty and a nice person and is good with heights, bugs and adventurous challenges. Damn her!

Although I have to say her fawning over Joey Essex has done my head in! 

It's just unbelievable that we are in 2013 and every woman in that jungle is being judged by their appearance or has issues. The fact Laila (Mo from Eastenders) seems the most confident says a lot - body confidence seems to come with age and experience. Perhaps it's because she comes from an era that celebrated curves? 

Rebecca has clear issues with appearance and Lucy from Emmerdale was very forthcoming in revealing her insecurities. 

For such a trashy TV easy-watching show like this it's been pretty hard going to watch. 

As a female who is constantly worrying about my size and judging myself against others it also hit a nerve. I think a lot of us girls are the same sadly. 

My boyfriend even laughs whenever I'm off to the gym or eating healthily saying I'd never be happy whatever size I may be and whatever compliments people give me I don't accept.

For tonight though I've been cheered somewhat. Yes I was annoyed at after showing Amy doing so well in a physical challenge, the program then resorted to the clichéd shower scene so well known now on I'm A Celeb after the famous Mylene scenes! 

But then Matthew Wright saved the day. Yes sobbing scared candidate Mr Wright, the smarmy faced channel 5 presenter you typically want to slap. He saved the day?

Why? Because he decided to do his own white bikini shot in the waterfall shower. Classic! 

Just the sort of thing we need to see, mocking of these long awaited 'sexy' scenes that all the tabloids wait for. About bloody time! 

So men take note, us girlies enjoy a bit of humour, regardless of how you look. So perhaps once in a while judge a lady by her combined assets and not just those that belong in a bikini or in your childish lad mag fantasies!

And girls? You're not getting off lightly either. Stop bitching about one another - we all do it - maybe next time you start think of how you feel next to that beauty in the bar with you or having to step out in that teeny weeny swimwear in the Summer.

Will I be applying this attitude myself? Of course! 

Now what was it they were saying in the Dingo Dollar about how many lies men tell, never mind women... 

The power of compliments

I'm currently lying in bed feeling fed up, tired and hungover (yes alcohol probably is the reason for all three feelings listed!)

However one thing has just given me a bit of a boost - looking at my photos from last night and then looking back at some old photos. 

The reason being? Well happy memories from last night obviously. The main reason though is comparing my body from then to now. 

Quite a difference.

In fact lately I've been feeling a bit down for a few reasons, which we won't go into, but most days I've been given a similar boost. Compliments.

How nice is it when you work so hard to improve your weight and fitness and other people congratulate you on it?

I feel - as I've mentioned before - I've reached a stage where I'm on a wavelength and healthy eating and exercise are now a way of life for me. 

However we all have ups and downs and blocks and sometimes feel a bit disheartened. As soon as someone compliments me it just pushes me back on track. It's great.

Over the last week I've had compliments how I look from friends and work colleagues. The guy on my gym reception complimented me on my dress. Another guy on the same evening nearly walked into something looking at me (yes I know I'm as shocked as you are!) And I've also had various car beeps and wolf whistles. 

Now I'm not saying this being vain or showing off, I just wanted to share as it's really made me smile and really inspired me to keep at it.

I've never been overly confident about looks or shape and so I guess I'm also in a bit of shock to think I may actually be getting to a point where for once I am relatively okay with how I look.

I noticed for instance at two recent social events we've been to and I've taken photos I've actually thought I look okay. For years I would look at photos with me in and delete them or crop them to 'cut out my big arms' for example. Now I'm not feeling I need to do that.

And do you know what it feels bloody great!

Granted, how I feel when I step on the scales tomorrow after some of the food and booze I've indulged in this week, may be a whole different matter! 

Losing weight but gaining confidence

I know I've done it again, I've not posted a blog for a long time and certainly not one about my thoughts/feelings rather than a review of a book. Hey, what can I say? I read a lot!

In fact, on checking GoodReads - I have read eight books this year already. Yes eight books over nine weeks, not bad going really.

Anyway, for once I'm not meant to be typing about books and my love of reading. No, this time I'm back to another favourite topic of mine - weight loss, fitness and health.

I've known some people argue they only blogged when they were a bit fed up or bored and in fact they blogged less when they were happier with life. Well, I'm not too sure how much I agree with that logic. One thing I can say though is I am certainly pretty happy at the moment.

Finally - after a very long time, well okay most of my adult life so far - I am starting to feel a boost in confidence. Don't get me wrong I still have things I'd like to change, but this time around of losing weight/getting in shape/getting healthier, I actually am getting a bit more comfortable with my body.

I know, I'm sorry to any men reading this, I appreciate I'm being a stereotypical female here and getting obsessive about appearance. Apologies if this comes across a tad dull, but I have to be honest here, I have only just started to feel a bit happier about how I look.

Finally something has clicked and - I think - I may have managed to find a balance between being 'good' and having treats. The majority of the time I aim to stick to a healthy diet and try to exercise whenever I don't have plans. However, if I have plans which involve alcohol or a fattening meal I go out and enjoy myself and allow myself something different for a change.

So far this year it seems to be working and since the start of the year I've lost seven pounds/half a stone and am at my lowest weight I can ever remember achieving.

I'm enjoying life and socialising/eating out (granted not regularly), but also keeping on track on other days and the weight is steadily dropping off, and what I've noticed moreso this time is that I'm getting more toned too.

Also - as someone who dreaded P.E. at school and used to fake notes/forgetting my kit to get out of it - I am shocked how much I genuinely enjoy and feel better for exercising. As you'll all know from my cringey blog posts I really love spinning at the gym and I've also now found I enjoy running (well don't get me wrong I still probably go at tortoise-pace compared to most people and I can just about do a 5k!)

Moreover if I don't do any exercise for a few days I can feel the difference, I feel stiff and achey, lethargic and I genuinely miss it. Yes friends who've known me for years as someone seemingly allergic to exercise and a Uni student who didn't even properly know where the gym was on campus this may seem a little odd. But it's all true.

It's funny, a few people I know are turning 30 this year, all are female and all have raised how scared they are of hitting the big 3-0. I have told them all (and meant it) that if I'm honest if anything I've felt happier since being 30.

2013 has been a mixture of a year already for a variety of reasons, with ups and downs already. However, overall I can feel a positive change - feeling healthier, looking healthier, enjoying new things. I've discovered I like more types of music than expected, I can enjoy all things a bit more cultured like ballet and exhibitions, as well as plays at the theatre.

Who knows maybe this is just how us girls feel when we hit thirty, maybe it's just a new year and revived sensation I'm getting as we're still early in the year. It may not be the weight side of things, but right now I feel the longer I manage to keep losing the weight/keeping it off in general I'm likely to have a smile on my face!

Here we go again...

Saturday I struggled to find an outfit I felt happy in. Yesterday I spent all day hungover and lazing on my sofa, unable to go the gym as I felt too awful. This morning I got up and weighed myself and the results weren't pretty. The last couple of weeks spinning and gym workouts have been tough and not as enjoyable.

So today something finally clicked and I thought enough is enough. Yes, yet again I'm trying to get in shape.

I'm currently nearly a stone over the lowest weight I ever managed to get down to and I'm not happy.

Clothes seem more snug, my love of spinning has started to disappear as I find the class a struggle and my confidence is lacking, so much so I found myself thinking back to an old blog post today http://themelican.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/fat-girl-within.html

I'm annoyed with myself for getting to this stage yet again, so this morning my gym bag was packed and I decided to sort myself out.

Today I've had lots of water to drink (and non stop trips to the loo as a result!) to get me rehydrated again. I almost laughed at myself as I felt shocked how I felt so full drinking so much water and didn't need to keep snacking today.

I've had healthy food (well a cinnamon and raisin bagel for breakfast wasn't the best choice). Lunch was one and a half wholemeal pittas with a mini reduced fat houmos pot and a pack of cassava crackers. I snacked on grapes and strawberries, drank eight glasses of water and limited my coffee to two cups.

After work I went to the gym and did a 5k (and beat my time). Then on getting home I ate a dinner of salmon fillet, vegetables and sweet potato, with a big glass of orange juice. For afters I've had a cup of tea and a low fat chocolate yoghurt.

Yes, it is just the first day and this is going to be a struggle what with the festive season fast approaching, but little steps at a time for now...

I'm just pleased I've finally found my motivation! Now let's hope I get some good results, I'm going to try keep you posted to keep me on track.

Time to stop worrying and get on with it

Sitting here watching Big Brother programmes, relaxing after a busy Diamond Jubilee bank holiday weekend, I've started to ponder what would I say when asked for interesting facts about me?

Erm...Um...Well...

To be honest I don't know. I blogged a long while back about all the hobbies you have when young, how they seem to drop as you age. This weekend I've really started to revisit these thoughts.

Let's be clear, I don't particularly want to be on Big Brother or compete with the sorts of people that tend to feature on the show.

I've had a lovely bank holiday Diamond Jubilee weekend, consisting of a Jubilee themed BBQ, cinema visit, shopping, lots of meals and catching up with friends and family. I've also been asked a few times about starting new hobbies or discussed abandoned plans to do more fitness and exercise.

When at work sometimes I feel other colleagues have more exciting plans than me in the evenings, they always seem to do more than me. I get teased a lot by friends and family for being out all the time and drinking too much. Now in my mind I don't think I do much.

This weekend I think I've realised the problem. I feel like I don't do much because I often do the same thing. Aside from writing this blog I don't have a hobby or interest as such that I have to enjoy in my own time. It's fine to go out drinking or enjoying new food, but that can't be all you're about.

I love to read and go on holiday, or see new films or go to music gigs. Again fine, but can they really be called real interests?

Some friends have invited me to attend Zumba classes or weekend body bootcamps. I've spoken about wanting to go out running more with my boyfriend. Then a friend mentioned horseriding and something seemed to click. I am finally actually seriously considering it. Whether it's because I've been reminded of previous interests or of being young who knows.

My boyfriend also teases me about worrying too much and being scared all the time. This weekend I've really been thinking about this too.

Are my fears stopping me from living life to the full? Is it time I man up and stop being a wuss? Is it time to stop being scared and embrace things a little more? Do I need to just get on with it? Should I take my own advice, when I used to say to my man stop talking about things and get on and do things? Forget if I'm going to be good or bad at something, am I going to look stupid, are people going to judge me. How about just trying things first?

Of late I've been a little accident prone and so now may not be the best of times to suddenly grasp this approach and change attitude! However I've already decided to get my fitness and healthy eating on track, whilst still trying to enjoy socialising and eating out. I've decided to follow my workout DVD challenge of the 30 Day Shred and do it everyday and try to stick to it. I'm on day two so far.

Who knows how I'll do and what I decide to start doing, but I'll keep you posted on here and who knows it could make for some interesting blog posts...

Fat girl within

Memories of a baby cute as can be
Old photos show a little one, cuddly and chubby

A young child, tall for her age
Seen with a flat tummy, long spindly legs, always wanting to be centre stage

Images of a teen, slim but not comfortable in her own skin
Too shy to reveal what she's really like within

As she ages she starts to come out of her shell
But then in turn her body starts to gradually swell

Uni and a troublesome partner see plenty of booze and takeaways
Soon the weight starts to pile on over those weeks and days

Starting work, too ambitious to notice
Drunken nights out with colleagues, more calories get added to the list

Meeting a new partner, falling in love, this time for real
Getting comfortable with someone new, often out for drinks or a meal

Unhappiness at work, pressures lead her to comfort eat
Embarrassment on trains, being offered a seat

Nasty comments made with a vicious tongue
New friends seem so slim and pretty, each and every one

She starts to feel like the fat friend in the group
Her clothes aren't so small or nice, she feels out of the loop

She compares herself every time she's out
To those beautiful, slim figured girls and her friends, her appearance is without

Photos soon highlight how big those arms are
How rounded the face and those chunky legs stand out in a bar

Those who love her argue she's perfect as she is
But to her she can't believe it, she knows it's just politeness

She decides something really needs to be done
And cherishes the pounds falling off, each and every one

But then life pressures and events lead her to go back to her old ways
She doesn't want to feel like that again and those miserable days

She'll try again and give it all of her effort
To get back in shape and show she can be different

For now she'll take it one day at a time, it's healthy eating not some kind of famine
A mix of exercise too to get healthy, and hope to send back that fat girl within