Somewhere in between

Anyone who’s joined NCT or similar as an expectant Mum or Dad and made friends with a group of previously complete strangers will understand parenting cliques, groups, ‘Mumfriends’, whatever you want to label them.  

The whole appeal and why it works (provided you get a good group) is because you’re all on the same journey. You’re going through the pregnancy at the same time, from similar areas, you share birth stories and are all awake at the same times so can provide support when otherwise you may feel quite alone.

People talk about how important it is to get out and about when you become a parent and I totally support this. When I had my first I was always out and thrived on fresh air, exercise from walking about with my pram or making friends for my baby and me at multiple groups I’d attend. 

You are on maternity/paternity leave and become an all singing and dancing member of the ‘First time parent’ group.

Some people don’t feel comfortable going to some of these ‘Mum & Baby’ groups or themed sessions based around music, play, storytelling or similar. I though for one would’ve been totally lost without mine. 

Then, if and when you go on to have that next pregnancy and baby you become part of another group - ‘parents with more than one’.

If you decide to not return to work you belong to the ‘stay at home parent’ group, go back and you’re a ‘working parent’ group member. 

Those people who become pregnant and go on and to have multiples - twins, triplets (or more!!!) gain their badge for the ‘multiples parents’ group.

Whatever group you’re in you make strong bonds based on your common ground. 

Your baby is doing yellow poos like someone else’s 

You’re both struggling to get out on time with your newborn and firstborn 

You’re both feeling guilty for not working/going to work 

And so on and so forth..

What though if you have a baby and then fall pregnant again with more than one?

You know what happens? You kind of don’t quite belong in any particular group anymore. 

You were with your first time Mum group and you were all sharing tales of how cheeky and naughty your kids are becoming. Then you got pregnant and so do others and you start to share how tough it is carrying a toddler whilst waddling with a bump. Then you find out there’s more than one baby, oh that’s a bit different. So you move into a multiples group, but then they mostly experience multiples, not really multiples and a toddler! 

It gets harder to find common ground, it gets harder to get out and about. You have to start to ask for help more. Things are just not so easy to arrange or get done anymore. And who totally and utterly gets what you’re situation is like? 

Not many people really. 

I saw an article a few months back that really struck a chord from somebody talking about having twins and another child. This isn’t a pity post or cry for help, I just felt like being totally honest and just putting it out there for once what it can be like. 

It can be hard. But you don’t want to bore on about how hard it is because you don’t want others to tire of you and 
your whining. You don’t want to look ungrateful for the blessings you’ve been given. 

You end up not seeing people as much, not being able to keep in contact so much, not doing as much, maybe coming across as a bad friend or like you don’t care/can’t be bothered anymore. Please hear me when I stress this so isn’t the case, when you become a Mum to 3 all so young and close in age life just becomes mental! Serious chaos. You never know who or what to sort next! 

You constantly juggle having so many to look after, asking for help without wanting to put on people, having to admit just how much help you might truly need, and then of course Mum guilt - which all Mums get regardless of how many/how old/their situation! 

So yeah, thank you to everyone who always tells me what a great job I’m doing. I’m not, I’m just being a Mum like any Mum does, putting my kids first and doing what needs to be done. 

Like any Mum, I love my children with all my heart and soul and would do anything for them. Like any Mum at times they drive me round the twist and I shout, I scream, I cry, I question my situation, my decisions, my capabilities. 

I guess reading that I am really just that ‘any Mum’, no set group to belong to, but then aren’t we all just the same deep down anyway?

The truth

Raindrops hitting the windows, the sound so loud our home is so silent now

I imagine the rain are tears from heaven wondering how

How could you be taken, why did you deserve this

What did we do for life to feel this was fair justice

People focussed on the physical

Like emotions should be over with now after all

It was only small, it's so common, you know you can get pregnant now though

Things happen for a reason, you'll have another, you'll move on, it's better for your health that your body lets it go

Practicalities arranged, appointments cancelled, health items in post 

Work absence to be discussed, trying to think how long you'll need off at most

Nobody gets it, how can life ever be the same, that interest in anything

My love of reading gone, TV just a sound, social plans impossible, silence most comforting 

Cocooned in our home, not wanting to leave

Can't speak to people, I just want to grieve 

Even my phone switched on to silent, curtains closed blocking out the world out there

Getting dressed, washed, the news, people's lives, I just don't care

Not wanting my fiancé to ever leave my side

Knowing he'll have to and I can't always hide

The wind blowing high the rain pelting down

It feels fitting, matching my mood, my emotions, my constant frown 

Anger, agony, exhaustion and pain 

Nothing could ever be the same again

Feeling so empty, bruised and achey within

Nothing on the broken heart and constant thoughts, to smile feels a sin

So thankful for those who have been through it too

A constant source to message and feel there are some who get it like you

That feeling as you wake, thankful for finally some sleep

Then BANG it hits you your baby's no longer yours to keep

The logical side I had at the start, still in shock and not realising it's true

Now gone, a void, no idea what to do

One minute a baby brings you comfort and hope

The next anger someone else has one and isn't like you and won't have this grief with to cope 

Wondering what others think, nobody knew the secret we had

Now it's out there, the pity and the whispered chats, how we must feel so bad

It feels I can't end this poem I could write forever how I'm feeling

Right now it's just a simple tiny way I can slightly imagine it's helping with my healing 

Little Seed will always be baby number one

Whether we go on to have another, whether daughter or son

He or she may have been small and so early on that is true 

But remember this please, still living, existing, still ours, will you? 

It’s good to talk

For someone who is known for being a bit of a big mouth, it may come as a surprise that I find it hard to talk. No not about random rubbish, or my many mundane musings, but letting out my true feelings. I have always tended to be the one friends come to for help and advice, their shoulder to lean on. However, when it comes to myself, I’m not too good at coming forward.

I can remember when young, if something was worrying me or I was upset I would tend to keep it in and eventually resort to writing my parents a note to let out my troubles. In fact, I’m pretty sure I used to do the same with one of my first boyfriends.

I am very good at advising others on how to approach things, but not so good for reaching out and letting people know things have got tough and I need a hand. Looking back, at secondary school I was known as being good at putting a brave face on things and once when I broke up with a ‘boyfriend’ I shed a tear or two and people were in shock. I’d cried, I had actually let out a sign of emotion. Something must be wrong!

This year I have really discovered the power of talking and letting out your feelings though. Not rocket science I know. Sharing your feelings rather than keeping them all locked up is clearly going to be more beneficial, but for someone like me it is so hard to do. You’re the one who helps everyone else, there isn’t time to sit and wallow about your own worries!

When things are bothering me I guess the main people I tend to go to are my boyfriend and my parents. However, often you can find people who are more ‘outsiders’ can help, they don’t have any ties to people you know and so can give unbiased advice without the worry of them accidentally letting slip to somebody else in your group of friends. Whether work colleagues, a friend-of-a-friend or a random Facebook buddy, you could have your perfect listener waiting out there, ready to help.

My friends are there for me I know, but I think because I am not a very open person when it comes to problems I’m having they don’t tend to push me to talk. However, for some reason one of my friends – she’ll know who she is – really can get me to open up and I can talk for ages to her, honestly and openly, about pretty much anything. This has done me the world of good. Plus she is quite a strong individual and is great at making me ‘man up’ as she’d put it and face my fears. Something I am very grateful for and I hope I do the same for her.

This weekend I needed to have a bit of an awkward conversation for example – no details going to be revealed here I’m afraid – and I had been tiptoeing around things for some time. Just by talking a weight lifted, by being completely honest and trusting that I could tell the truth and say how I truly felt really eased a burden. In fact I was shocked how much of a difference just 90 minutes of talking could make.

Anyway I’m not going to go on and bore you about it all and probably most people out there aren’t as bad as me when it comes to reaching out. I guess really I just wanted to share. I just wanted to say make sure you talk. Life is too short to be unhappy, worry about how you come across and how you phrase things. Life is about sharing and if you don’t share the good times and the bad with other people what’s the point? You can’t always be the shoulder to cry on, the ear at the end of the phone, or the person with all the answers. Make sure you take time out for you and be a little ‘selfish’ (go on, admit it, that’s how you see it) sometimes and let other people help you. And perhaps those people in your life who you feel perhaps aren’t there for you, would be better at it if you were more honest with them about how you feel from the start.

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Well I survived – both the storm and my second interview. Now it’s time to sit back and see what happens and keep every single thing possible crossed.

Kinda feeling a bit sad right now though as left the interview and just headed back home – boyfriend’s working, all my friends are at work, any of my family who live nearby are on holiday, so I’m all alone.

You know what I’ve done, come back and had some chocolate and coffee and have been watching Dinner Dates – what a saddo! I must say though I just cannot believe this guy on here. He has so far told one girl that parmesan includes the same enzyme as vomit and another that to get rid of indigestion you just wipe your armpits and breathe it in. Nice.

What is it about us that sometimes stops us from thinking about what we’re going to say.

I am a classic example of this – well take for instance today I told the interviewee how I love writing, but have not pursued it anymore as a career as you have to be really lucky to be well paid for it. Yes well done Mel you go right ahead and say that to someone who used to head up a huge well known newspaper/media organisation, duh!... 

There was also the time I told a client how for my birthday I was having an Ann Summers party, because I was worried that what I’d told him so far was a bit dull sounding. I do tend to feel I need to be honest with people, which in the main I think people appreciate, but at other times I really need to learn how to keep my mouth shut!

Ha! The guy has just picked which girl he wants to take out, her face just says it all – the fakest smile ever. I’ve also become quite adept at that – doing a forced smile and pretending something is funny or I agree.

So what should we do, be honest all the time and just tell it like it is, or try the fake approach so as not to offend?

Well if I was the girl on this programme I don’t think I could hold back on his horrendous outfit and would have to speak my mind. As my friend would say the colour is ‘T Mobile pink’ and he kinda looked like he was off to go ride a horse rather than go out and enjoy a meal.

Is it better to be strong and opinionated, or keep it to yourself for an easy life? Why are some of us naturally honest early on and others start off mischievous from childhood and fib their way throughout?

Truth be told do we really want to always be told the truth or do we like being charmed with false interest and approval? Think about it, how would you really react if when you asked your friend or partner if your bum looked big in that outfit they turned round and told you yes it did? I think for now I’m going to carry on in blissful ignorance thank you very much…