Counting away the days

Reminders reminders everywhere

Full flowing tears coming back and that stare

Everyone around seems to be having a baby

Ads, TV programmes, friends, all the picture of a happy family

Missing my Little Seed even more, that empty feeling even stronger inside

I thought I’d nearly reached the end of this emotional rollercoaster ride

Returning to work, people being nice, but I’m shocked how tired I seem

Just can’t believe it’s all real, life has gone and smashed our dream

Realising at this point it’d be the halfway mark

Right now we should be happy, having another scan, not in a world so cruel and dark

That desperate need to be a Mummy and having that little bump

Instead feeling lost, confidence blown, feeling a big fat lump

Getting nervous over the most basic day to day things

I thought the real me was back, until again started this sad daydreaming

People counting down, it was so long ago,

Surely she’s better and moved on? It’s forever, do they not know

That little life that ended all too soon, never to make it into our arms and world

A memory box is all that we have and my instinct our baby was a boy not a girl

Celebrating special events with loved ones are all too bittersweet

Reminders of where we should or could have been, fitting into our lifeplan all nice and neat

Instead seeing others with what we were meant to have, although of course happy for them too

Every day every night that slap in the face, trampling on your heart, it’s no longer that way for you

Moving forward and having good times again, feeling life maybe has some meaning for now​

Yet then you’re suddenly down and questioning and crying and grieving, such a dive, how?

Up and down, smiles then frown, sparks back in your eyes then teardrops

Feeling until you have that baby, maybe this will never stop?

Little Seed

I will always remember the shaking legs, the anxious wait, the discovering of those words on a screen

The happy secret, the unbelievable surprise 

Excitement over this little being we hadn't seen 

Constant worry at every feeling, change and mood

But also so proud and pleased to tell our parents we were going to be like them too 

Seeing my body start to differ and feeling a bond so soon

Counting down all the time to be safer and being able to tell people, we'd be over the moon

Reading reading, books apps forums whatever I could find

Keeping a diary describing this experience of mine 

That first appointment and being 'booked in',  getting that famous red book and leaflets and feelings within 

Waiting waiting for that special twelve weeks, time standing still until it would begin

Reaching that milestone, a bundle of nerves, imagining after and making such plans

Lying on that bed and staring staring looking at that scan

Being told you'd gone and had died long ago

Not understanding in this time why there were no bad signs to show

The shock the loss the moment my heart stopped

1036 on 1st May when my world was forever rocked

We created you, my body housed you, our Little Seed who already I loved

Now taken away and being looked after from above

The pain the hurt the emotions I can't even describe 

Knowing already you're out of my life

You must've been cosy right there within me

So warm and snug you must've been sleepy

 

You kept your eyes closed never to open and just stayed asleep 

My body still knows you're there and wants you there to keep 

We won't know if your heart ever did beat 

Never will feel your tiny hands and barely formed feet 

For some reason life decided this wasn't your turn to enter the world

People say maybe too tiny, something wrong or too weak

Not strong enough to ever laugh cry dance walk or speak

I say I don't care what wasn't right about you, my little boy or little girl

You were my first child and aren't just some cells or a shell

How dare nature take you and rip you away

Still you sleep in my body, you wanted to stay

The anger the hurt the pain and the fright

I would do anything to hear actually you're alright 

We wanted you so much why can't it be our turn

Why again and again must things be so hard yet another lesson to learn 

I can't imagine life will ever be the same again 

Always remembering that day when

I'm never awake not really here anymore 

Life is a burden trying to enjoy it simply a chore 

Facing today and imagining what it could bring 

Doing things to remove you and what's left within 

I want this all to be over so we can look to move on

Yet also can't believe how we ever will and that you're really gone 

So Little Seed, as we named you, RIP

You'll always be our first child, forever to me

(Written Sunday 3rd May 2015)