Constantly comparing

It’s been a few days. I jotted down some ideas of things I wanted to blog about and then an upcoming twins birthday, trying to make plans and a teething baby have meant I’m too tired to blog of a night (when I normally type furiously away on my phone when all the kids are in bed). 

Well as I mentioned my twins will turn 1 shortly - on 4th February in fact - and I’ve been trying to plan for a family birthday party, a celebratory day out, presents, I could go on.

Part of the process of achieving the first birthday is the 1 year development check.

And it got me thinking of all the checks all my children have been through already. In fact I often think back to something in my own development in childhood.

I’m a tall girl, I’ve always been tall. Neither of my parents are particularly tall but for some reason I’m way up there. I’m about 5ft10/5ft11. When I was young and I was being measured at some check or other with my Mum (I assume at a doctors or health centre of sorts) I still to this day remember them being concerned how tall I was and they were actually talking about whether I would stop growing... and then? They tried to suggest to my Mum the idea of giving me medication to stunt my growth! Seriously! 

Needless to say we didn’t go down the medication route and shock horror I did stop growing!

I totally get over the years it’s beneficial how we’ve gained more and more research to help check our children are ‘okay’. We want to know our families are healthy.

But how do we ensure it’s a check that someone is ‘on track’ and not in any danger healthwise, rather than trying to fit everyone into a box? 

We know deep down these checks - they start from birth - are based on the ‘average’ person. 

However, I’m sure I’m not the only one who has worried about how their child is progressing. If they don’t fit into the average, why not? Are we instantly labelling them as failures/having issues?

If your child’s leg or arm doesn’t move as it should at birth that’s a physical indication something might be wrong. I get that.

However, when you go for a 1 year check and your child doesn’t point yet it’s truly not a big deal. You can be made to feel it is though. Once one thing is pointed out it starts the ball rolling with others. It makes you look at other milestones they may not have reached on time.  

When I had my first child I panicked and I won’t lie I still compare her now to others and worry if she’s doing what she should or why is she doing certain things others aren’t.

In the same way that people say nowadays our social media world causes them to feel pressured to look a certain way, these development checks can cause you to constantly question your parenting and your child. In fact I think nowadays there’s a huge pressure and culture of labelling.

We need to have a checklist to make sure we fit - even from birth - and if someone isn’t ticking those boxes then it’s time to stick a label on.

I’ve done it myself with my daughter - she’s very tall for her age and strong. She’s full of energy and very talkative and intelligent with a lot of things. What did I do? I grew concerned she had some behavioural disorder. And at times I still find myself worrying. 

I’m sure not everyone is like me! I am a natural born worrier! But I am concerned that often using these averages and quantitative analysis on ourselves leads to constant comparison. Isn’t it a case of needing to apply qualitative observations too? 

Are we at the top, the same, fitting the mold? 

If not what can we do to be the same? 

When I’ve been pregnant I’ve always tried to use hypnobirthing techniques and I strongly believe in the power of hypnobirthing. One of the things it teaches is with regards to labour and your ‘due date’. Straightaway you should think of the date you’re told your baby ‘should’ or ‘will’ arrive as a suggested date around which they may be born instead. Let your baby be born when they’re ready to enter the world (obviously if there’s some medical emergency and they need to be brought into the world more quickly then of course that’s what you do). 

Anyway why don’t we adopt this approach with the way we grown and learn? Why do we say that we should be doing these things by a certain age. Why can’t we remember and be happy in the knowledge no child is the same and they develop at their own pace? 

It’s life. The human race. Some people are tall, some people are short. Some people are confident, some are shy. Some children will be creative, some will be more active, some will be adventurous, some will prefer regularity and gain comfort from their usual setting. I could go on and on.

Difference is a good thing. Why don’t we stop fighting it and trying to make everyone fit? 

Next time one of my children has a check or I observe them around other children of the same age I’m going to really try and keep this mindset...